Doing life in community

So lately I've been thinking a lot about friendship, and community, and doing life with others. I have the best friends in the whole universe (no, I actually do - I don't care how good you think yours are, mine are better).

4 weeks ago I made vows of dedicated singleness at my beLOVED ceremony (you might not know that - I haven't mentioned it much ;-) ) On that day I was surrounded by my closest friends and greatest supporters. In fact it was really hard because numbers were limited in the venue and there were lots of people I wanted to invite but couldn't. During the ceremony I made vows to the Lord as to how I intend to live my life. And my friends made a vow to support me in doing that. What an amazing, incredible gift that is - the Bishop asked them "Will you support Kate as your friend and sister in Christ in the commitment she is making? Will you pray for her, encourage her and sustain her with your love as she makes this journey of faith?" And they replied "We will!" And they really meant it - they said it really loudly!

So these wonderful people publicly pledged to walk with me through all that lies ahead, both good and bad. I was given lots of beautiful cards on that day. I had asked people not to bring presents (although some still did - naughty! - and thanks!). The cards were an absolute gift and a joy. Words of affirmation are my love language (I've blogged about that before too!), and I love receiving cards with lovely things written in them. The cards have been on display ever since, but this week I took them down so that I could put up my Christmas cards. As I did so, I reread them all. Wow. What an overwhelming display of love and affection and support. I'm an only child and my entire family could fit inside a phone box. And yet here were my brothers and sisters, who had chosen to be there, vowing to stand alongside me through whatever lies ahead. Incredible.

Friendship is such an extraordinary gift. It's a gift because it isn't automatic. There's a choice. No one ever *has* to be your friend, at least not once you're over 5 years old. It's chosen, because of a spark, a shared interest, a shared experience, a sense that here is someone who 'gets' you. With all of my really close friends I can remember the moment I first met them, that feeling of "this is a good person, a fun person, this person could be my friend." Even past the age of 5, there's an excitement in that feeling, as you wonder where it will take you. And there's that fun as you get to know each other better and spend more time together; as you choose to share your secrets, to confide and confess and challenge and console.

My friends are massively important to me. I try really hard to make and maintain friendships. I really need them in my life. I'm an off the scale extrovert (if you know me even 1% of a tiny bit that won't surprise you) and I need to externally process all over the show. This very evening I've been having a long Twitter DM conversation with 2 wonderful friends who have helped me to process some of the stuff in my head.

This is, obviously, even more important to me as a single person. It's not that friendship isn't important when you're married - of course it is, and in fact, many of my closest friends are married. But as a single person I need to build community in a more intentional way. I need to make the effort to maintain friendships with people I don't live near to, and be prepared to travel to see them. I need to make the effort to host people for meals and parties and not simply bemoan that I don't get invited anywhere. (On that - I'm cooking Christmas dinner this year, for the first time ever - think of my poor friends...!)

Today I hosted a Christmas party that I've done ever since 2005 when I first moved to Liverpool (with one year off last year when I was on sabbatical). I invite my local friends and cook up an absolute storm. There's normally enough food for approx. 3.5 times as many people as are present. I love it - it's one of the highlights of my whole year. Today, in my home, old friends and new ones, adults and kids, gathered together to eat and drink and laugh, and I am grateful.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I think it takes a community to live a life as well. My life is the richer for my friends, who are family, community to me.

Here's a photo of the wonderful beLOVED cards I received, which started this whole reflection...

Sabbatical - 4 weeks in...

Well gosh, I have no idea where the past 4 weeks have gone! On October 16th I said farewell to my lovely church, who were kind & generous in letting me disappear for 4 months. And all of a sudden 1/4 of the time has gone! I had meant to blog as time went by but I'm afraid this is the first time I've got round to doing it (mind you, it's not as if anything else much has been going on in the world, has it?!). So here follows a random and rambling account of some of my experiences, thoughts and reflections one month in... [warning - this is an entire blog post which does not mention the US Presidential election...!]

* Hoorah for wonderful friends and relaxing holidays. I spent a gorgeous week in south Wales with my best friend, her lovely husband, and their fabulous and adorable children (ages 10, 8 & 6). It was so much fun - the weather was beautiful and we did loads of walking, playing games, watching movies, drinking beer, eating ice cream and laughing! I always have Christmas breakfast with them, and because I'm going to be away this year we decided to do an early Christmas, so before the kids got up on our first morning there, we decorated the dining room and put out stockings for everyone. They were SO excited! (Once they'd established they were still going to get the real Christmas at the proper time!). We had a full Christmas dinner, wore our onesies for half of the day, and it was splendid. I am so amazingly grateful for the families who let me be a part of their lives. I love just hanging out with them, being part of the kids' lives as they grow up, joining in the day to day chaos of family life. It's a massive blessing to me.

* Silent retreats are AMAZING! I decided a while ago to do my first silent retreat during this sabbatical. I'd heard lots of good things about St. Beuno's - http://www.beunos.com/ - so I booked on a retreat there. I thought about the 8 day retreat but in the end opted for what they call the 'midweek' retreat - which is really only 3 full days. It was fantastic! It helped that the weather was great, so I could go for lots of lovely long walks, and enjoy the beautiful scenery in autumn. The whole thing was set up and run brilliantly, so that the silence was made easy, rather than awkward. Each day I met with my retreat director for half an hour, which enabled me to process my thoughts and what God was saying. Worshipping in a completely different style from what I'm used to meant that I couldn't just 'go through the motions', but rather had to simply allow myself to enter in to it. (It was also a helpful reminder of how 'alien' church must seem to those who aren't familiar with it, as I tried to work out the ins and outs of the Mass!). It was absolutely glorious to have that time and space to just BE, and to really be able to listen to God without feeling like 1000 other thoughts were crowding in. I am massively extrovert, and wasn't sure whether my head would explore part way through Day 2 (most of my friends fell about laughing when I told them I was planning this) - but I loved it, I would recommend it, and I will definitely be doing it again.

* Preparing to go abroad for 11 weeks is stressful! The last time I did anything like this was my gap year, when I went overseas for 7 months - but I was young then!!! This time I cheerfully booked the flights, then got caught up in the busyness of day to day life, and suddenly found myself going "AAAARGH - HOW LONG?!" Packing for that length of time is a challenge, especially as I'll be in climates between 5 and 25 degrees! For someone who is as fond of shoes as I am, that aspect alone of the packing has been tricky. At the moment I think I have it down to 4 pairs, which I am rather proud of - but the suitcase isn't yet locked, so anything could happen...

* Having time to sleep, and pray, and sit, and read, and think, and journal, and listen, is really rather wonderful. Clearly in an ideal world one would have time for all of those things on a daily basis! But you know what it's like - life gets in the way sometimes! I hope and pray that one of the things this sabbatical will do is to realign things in me in some way - I don't just want to enjoy these 4 months of getting enough sleep and reading lots of books and always finding time to be still, and then afterwards hurtle straight back into crazy-busy-ville. No, I want to find within these 4 months a pattern and a rhythm of life which I'll then maintain once I get back into work. Even for a serious activist like me, prayer and time with God has to be at the heart of it all - or nothing else will work!

I do realise that I'm extremely blessed and fortunate to have this time available to me - and I apologise if you're reading this thinking "I could definitely flipping use 4 months off!" It's not *just* a great big holiday, I promise! Among other things, I very much hope to write half of a book! (My friend Joanna will be writing the other half!). And I hope to learn a lot from hanging out with amazing Christians and churches in the US, especially about the ways in which they're seeking to minister to those within their communities struggling with debt, addiction, poverty and injustice.

I'll try to blog more regularly once I'm in the next phase of sabbatical - I'm looking forward to all that God has in store...!

Here are a few photos which sum up the time so far...

Work and worship at Christmas

If I had £1 for every time someone said to me during December, "ooh, it must be a busy time for you," I could retire in luxury and drink cocktails all day long. (That's not something I *ever* dream of though...)

It's hard to know how to respond. It is busy, of course it is - this is 1 of the 2 'most important' points in the Christian calendar, and, of the 2, it's by far the most commercially and culturally popular, and therefore the busiest. But (as I've found myself saying often to people over the last few weeks), although I'm busy, it's "good busy" - I'm busy doing lots of fun things.

This week, for instance, among other things, I've made heaps of mince pies, had an 'open house' for church (eating said mince pies), watched a Y1/Y2 and an EYFS Christmas play, signed Christmas carols for a service in a special school, and had a pub night out with a local community group I'm part of. That's in addition to the 'normal', non-Christmas stuff such as planning weddings, baptisms and funerals, visiting people, and writing sermons - LOTS of sermons!

But it's brilliant, isn't it?! Why would I not love doing all that. Preparing for Christmas and Easter, and leading and preaching in church on those days, is right up there at the top of the list of "reasons I love my job". People who don't usually come to church turn up and I get to part of welcoming them in and telling them how much God loves them. That's never not going to be fun.

I don't want people to think I'm "busy", if being "busy" means stressed, or distracted, or 'haven't got time for you', or 'my job's more important than yours'. Mind you, it's perhaps better than that other favourite, £1-earning saying about vicars only working one day a week. Ha ha, how we all chuckled. Through gritted teeth... Although I suppose I do get that people find it very hard to imagine what vicars do actually do from Monday morning to Saturday evening.

I was once asked by a hairdresser what I did and when I told her, rather than looking blank, or saying "you don't look like a vicar," which is what I've come to expect in such conversations, she immediately beamed and said "oooh, that must be such a LOVELY job." I've wondered about that since. I wish I'd asked her what she meant, but I was so surprised that I didn't. It IS a lovely job, actually, but I don't think she meant it for the same reasons as I do. Maybe she thought I spent my whole day cuddling babies, or drinking tea and eating cake with old ladies.

Anyway, I've been thinking this week about the whole 'busyness' thing, specifically as it relates to Christmas, and to Advent, the time of preparation for Christmas. Because one of the big dangers for clergy, or vicars, or ministers, or whatever you want to call us - and indeed for anyone whose job it is to 'do' Christmas in church - is that the whole thing will just become work instead of worship.

That's always a danger - the 'professionalisation' of church so that it becomes something we simply 'do'. I think, though, that it's even more of a danger at Christmas and Easter. We find ourselves dashing between carol services and home communions and toddler group parties. We have so many talks to write that we just dig out and dust off a few from previous years (*nothing wrong with sermon recycling every now and then by the way - as long as it doesn't become a way to avoid engaging with the Bible and what God is doing right here and now). We try to balance the church/work/personal, and something has to give - so either we have brilliant services but don't write any cards or buy any presents, and burn the roast dinner; or church is a bit pants but we go all Kirstie Allsopp and Mary Berry at home.

I really, really, don't want the joy and wonder and delight and excitement of leading a church at Christmas to become a chore. I don't want the awesome, incredible, beautiful, timeless story at the heart of it to become commonplace. I don't want the mindblowing privilege of telling people about Jesus - God's Son, come to earth as a tiny baby to be 'Emmanuel', God With Us - to become just another item on my to-do list.

Before I can do anything else at Christmas, before I can write the cards and wrap the presents and cook the food; and definitely before I can sing the songs and watch the plays and preach the story - I must first stop and be still and simply worship the God who loved me, you, us, enough to come into our world as one of us, to save us.

Here's a picture of our church Christmas tree after we'd decorated it to tell the whole story of Jesus (probably my highlight of Christmas every year):

Being single at Christmas

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to be on 'Woman to Woman' on Premier Christian Radio, being interviewed by Maria Rodrigues along with Daphne Clifton. We were talking about what it's like being single (well, specifically being a single woman - apologies guys!) at Christmas. I've been meaning to blog about it ever since but being Advent (& having been ill for most of it!), I've not got round to it till now.

If you want to listen to the whole interview, you can do so here - http://www.premierchristianradio.com/Shows/Weekday/Woman-to-Woman/Episodes/Woman-to-Woman134?utm_medium=email&utm_source=Premier+Christian+Media&utm_campaign=5115194_IGNITE%3A+9%2F12%2F14&utm_content=w2w-single&dm_i=16DQ%2C31MWQ%2C9KKG1C%2CAXYXO%2C1

Interestingly a recent BBC report states that 7% of people expect to spend Christmas Day alone this year (that number rises to 10% among the over 65s). http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-30432939

That's totally fine if those people *want* to be on their own, as of course many do. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-30512529?ocid=socialflow_twitter

The point is, though, that an awful lot of those people don't want to spend Christmas Day alone, and will find it a very difficult and painful day. This is a tragedy. I really think that no one should have to spend Christmas Day alone if they don't want to.

I love this story that I heard today, of a woman who didn't want to spend Christmas alone, and didn't want others to have to either, so paid for 40 people to have Christmas dinner in a pub. (Admittedly it was today, not on Christmas Day, so some of them might still be alone then). http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-30586667

In the church where I was curate we used to do lunch in the church hall on Christmas Day. We'd get around 35 people each year - some families, some elderly couples, some people who lived alone. There was always great food and a great atmosphere. We've thought about doing it at my current church but unfortunately we don't have a church hall. Maybe one year we'll manage it in a different venue. I do know though that some people invite in others who might otherwise be on their own - and I'm very glad they do.

My very lovely best friend and her family have invited me every year since we all moved to Liverpool to have breakfast with them on Christmas Day. This is such a lovely, thoughtful thing to do, and it makes such a difference to the day for me. Even if I have people I'm going to see later, being on my own in the morning before church isn't much fun. But now I get to wake up early, drive to their house, eat a yummy breakfast, watch their 3 gorgeous little people open their presents, and have my very own stocking, all before coming back in time for church. What an absolute joy!

I have spent most Christmases of my life with my parents, but twice in the last few years I've spent the day with good friends and their families. That's also been a joy, to be welcomed in to someone else's family and home.

It isn't just Christmas Day itself that can be hard though, is it? There are lots of social events at Christmas that can be tough if you're single. Going to parties alone can be hard (and for extroverts, like me, going home afterwards can be even harder, with no one to debrief to!).

Church can actually be quite a hard place to be for single people at Christmas too (well, I know that sadly church can often be a hard place for single people...!). But Christmas particularly is often seen as a real 'family' occasion. There are lots of services and events for families and for children, and single people can feel left out of this. (Of course, this is also true for anyone for whom 'family' is difficult for whatever reason).

I've said this before, but for those of us connected in any way with church, surely we should be doing something about this? Surely as church, as community, as family, we should be able to make sure that no one is lonely, especially at Christmas, that no one is on their own if they don't want to be.

I realise it can be hard sometimes to accept these invitations even if they come - we don't want to impose, we think people are only inviting us out of politeness, we think we'd be in the way of a family time. I really get that! But honestly, if you're fortunate enough to have been invited by someone (and if you want to go!), then do say yes. Don't miss out on what could be a wonderful day for fear of imposing on others - chances are they wouldn't have invited you if they didn't actually want you to go!

As single people we can also make the decision to be proactive. We don't need to just sit and wait and hope for invitations or whatever. As a single vicar I can't really invite people round on Christmas Day as I don't think I could quite manage the service as well as the cooking! But I can invite people round at other times. For 10 years now I've had a tradition of inviting round a group of friends on the Friday before Christmas. There's anything from around 12 to 25 of us, all ages, and we eat a gigantic amount of cake, play games, and have lots of fun. I absolutely love it! I love being able to be the one who does the cooking and the hosting (it is absolutely not allowed for anyone to bring anything!).

So yes, Christmas can be tough if you're single. Is it harder than every other day of the year? I guess different ones of us will answer that question differently, and of course it depends on our own personal circumstances. But let's all (whether married or single) look out for one another, especially at this time of year. Let's love one another, bear with one another, empathise with one another. Let's extend an extra invitation to someone. Let's do our best to make sure church is really family.

Happy Christmas!