The Billy Graham Rule

Hmm. I've been meaning for ages to blog about this, but never quite got round to it. I think today's the day, although I realise it'll not be without controversy!

That source of all true and accurate knowledge, Wikipedia, says: "The Billy Graham rule is a practice among some male evangelical Protestant leaders, in which they avoid spending time alone with women to whom they are not married. It is adopted as a display of integrity, a means of avoiding sexual temptation, to avoid any appearance of doing something considered morally objectionable, and to avoid being accused of sexual harassment or assault. The rule has been named after Billy Graham, who was one of the early proponents of the practice. More recently, it has also been called the Mike Pence rule, after a US Vice President who also supported the idea."

I guess right at the start, before I go on to criticise the Rule (because you better believe I'm going to criticise it!), I should say that I absolutely get where it's coming from, and what it's seeking to avoid, and the desire for honour and holiness which lies behind it.(I just don't think that it goes about it in the right way).

I understand how it came about, as part of a wider rule called the 'Modesto Manifesto,' since Billy Graham and others were seeking to hold one another to the highest standard, and to ensure that nothing about how they behaved could be misinterpreted or misunderstood.

(It's also worth saying of course that there may be times when a woman wishes to enforce her own version of this rule, because she needs to keep safe and to feel safe, and that's absolutely fine. I'm talking her about when this is enforced upon women.)

OF COURSE as Christians we need to live with the utmost integrity in our relationships. Of course we need not just to live that way, but also clearly to be seen by the outside world to be living that way. We're called to be chaste, to be pure, to be above reproach. The Bible calls married people to live faithfully within marriage, and single people to be celibate. I absolutely support, endorse and uphold that standard.

And equally, of course we have to be realistic about the world in which we live, about the temptations we all face, about the sinful behaviour to which we are all prone. We all need to be honourable in our relationships, to steer clear of temptation, and to make wise choices.

I'm not naive about this. I have witnessed far too many marriages, families and churches torn apart by sexual sin. This stuff really, really matters. The thing is, it actually matters *too much* to be neatly packaged away in a 'rule'. And not just any rule, but a rule which demeans and degrades everyone. A rule which casts the man in the role of weak willed robot, slave to his desires, incapable of withstanding temptation or resisting feminine wiles. A rule which casts the woman in the role of sultry temptress, who with one wink of her eye can draw the man into sin. It's like a cross between a low budget Channel 5 romance and a shampoo advert. Surely we can all do better?

Tish Harrison Warren has written an article about this in Christianity Today, where she says this: "This rule, in its most pristine form, renders male-female friendships impossible. However unintentionally, it communicates to women that they are fundamentally dangerous. And it bars men from meaningful mentorship or pastoral care of women and vice versa."

I have some great male friends. Some of them are married, some are not. If they are married, I always make sure that I get to know their spouse too. In most cases I know and am friends with both, and see both together. Sometimes though, I might spend time with just the man. There's my friend who I sometimes go out with for curry and beer. He's basically the big brother I never had. We have a laugh, and set the world to rights. He's got a brain the size of a planet, and is right an annoying amount of the time (but not as often as he thinks he is!). I adore his wife too, and his kids, but sometimes I just want to go for a curry with him.

It's right and proper, of course, to be careful about how this all works. With my big-brother friend mentioned above, I'd always want to make sure that his wife knew when we were going out. I also have a rule that I wouldn't ever stay overnight in a house where there was only a man, or have a man on his own come to stay here. That seems to me to just be sensible. Plus there's also something about what others see - I don't want the neighbours' curtains twitching! Recently I was due to see some good friends after a conference, have dinner with them, and stay overnight. At the last minute, the wife had to go away. So I still went to the conference, still had dinner with the husband, and then got the train home. Would it have been perfectly safe and chaste and above board if I'd stayed overnight? Absolutely. Was it the right decision to come home? I think so. Because it's important to have rules, and boundaries, and to be wise.

There have been numerous occasions in my life when I've had a one to one meeting or conversation with a man. Some of these have been about pastoral care (one way or another). Some have been about supervision (likewise). Some have been planning meetings. Some have been to do with mentoring/counselling/spiritual direction. Some have been social events. My life (and, dare I suggest, their lives) would have been much poorer had those meetings and conversations never taken place.

So I definitely think it's wise to have some boundaries, and to have thought them through in advance so that everyone's clear. But for me the problem with the BG/MP rule is that it says 'fire is bad' and so removes not just matches and lighters from the house, but also all paper, cardboard and wood. And then it douses the whole place in water.

Honestly, I find it offensive. I am offended that a man would think that half an hour alone with me in a car or a meeting room or a restaurant would mean he'd immediately be led astray. (Ha! Maybe I should be flattered instead!)

I'm offended on behalf of all of the women who have been denied access to meetings and conferences, left out of the old boys' network, and missed out on mentoring opportunities. That's where it leads, I think, at least today, in its modern incarnation. It leads to women being denied a place at the table because everyone else around the table is male.

I'm offended on behalf of single women, since I feel like we get the raw deal here. I need friendships with couples, and I need friendships with singles. I need friendships with women and I need friendships with men. As a single woman I'm not actually attracted to every man that I meet (sorry guys!). Please don't treat me like a threat.

But I'm also grateful, and I'm hopeful. I'm grateful for the extraordinary number of good, holy, Godly, honourable, wise, funny, kind men I know, men who are friends and colleagues and mentors to me.

And I'm hopeful that we might learn to live better together. To live lives which are pure and chaste, which honour one another and honour God. To show the world a model of loving friendship which knows that there's more to life than sex.

Chapter 4 - Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world

So, Chapter 4 - the one about sex! This is the 2nd of the 'God-obsessed life...' titles that I woke up thinking about one morning, which first persuaded me to agree to speak in this subject. I've mentioned the 'marriage-obsessed church' already. So is our world sex-obsessed?

Just think for a moment about the adverts you've seen recently - on TV, in newspapers & magazines, on billboards. How many of them were using sex, explicitly or implicitly, to sell a product which had nothing at all to do with sex - anything from shampoo to fizzy drinks, chocolate to cars. We've become so used to this that we barely even notice it any more - but is it right? Do we want our children and young people to be exposed to this sort of advertising on a daily basis? And it's not just the adverts - there are the sexually explicit magazine covers which are still clearly visible to children, and the nonsense of being able to see naked women in daily newspapers on sale for a few pence. (on which issue, you might want to go here - http://nomorepage3.org/)

And what about TV and cinema? Almost all of the shows and films we watch have sexual ethics which are very far indeed from the way that I would want my Godchildren, and the people in my church, and my friends to live and to act. Relationships are made and used and thrown away the moment anything goes wrong. People cheat and lie and get found out and lie some more. There are numerous casual sexual encounters. Anyone who isn't living this way becomes an object of fun - from gentle teasing to downright ridicule and scorn.

If you ever find yourself overhearing a conversation between a group of young people, you may well be shocked by what you hear. Of course there's an element of bragging to mates, there always has been - but nevertheless I find it pretty scary sometimes when I hear some of the things quite young kids seem to know about and be talking about today.

And even when we forget about the advertising and the media, even when we discount playground boasting - is the rest of society any different? It's almost like it's seen as weird to live a life which isn't dominated by sex - by having it, by thinking about it, by talking about it.

I'm a 35 year old virgin - something that's seen as so impossible to believe or imagine that it's almost the title of a comedy film. Am I unfulfilled, unhappy and desperate? No.

Don't get me wrong, my mind isn't pure and white and innocent all of the time - very far from it! But I do want to make sure that I don't get sucked into a way of thinking and speaking and acting which is very far from the 'pure life' that I want to live (which I talked about last time).

In this chapter I look at what the Bible has to say about sex - after all, sex is something which God created, and which is a very good thing! And yet there are guidelines there, for the good of us all. In the right context sex is wonderful and beautiful and good, but in the wrong context it can be harmful and damaging and destructive.

So I try in this chapter to think about what God has to say about all this, and how he might want us to live - in ways which are pure and (to use a somewhat old fashioned but very relevant word) chaste.

In the past when I've given talks on this subject, I've had people thank me afterwards for being honest, and for using "real words" (some 16 year old girls once said that!). I hope that's what I've done in this chapter too. This topic is too important to ignore or gloss over just because we're a bit embarrassed about it.

I hope that this chapter will give us a framework for how we should live as single Christians, in the light of what the Bible says, and of what we know about God. It won't always be easy, but that doesn't mean it isn't right.

Chapter 3 - Purely Single

Well, after a bit of a break (I was away on a New Wine trip in India - must blog about that some time soon too!), here are a few thoughts on Chapter 3 of my book - Purely Single.

One of my favourite Bible verses is Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." These words are such an encouragement to me to fix my mind on the things of God and not on the things of the world. When I'm tempted to settle for less than God's best I try to remember these words and try to remind myself to only "think about" good and pure things.

The word 'pure' has been an important one for me throughout the whole process of reflecting on singleness, and on writing the book. I have known for a long time that my name, Kate, means 'pure' (from the Greek 'katharos'). I'd never really spent all that long thinking about it, or about what relevance it had for me. I remember a prayer time a few years ago (although I can't even remember when or where!), in which someone who didn't know me very well said that they'd sensed God giving them the word 'pure' for me as they prayed - I told them that was what my name meant, which they didn't know. It's a lovely word, and a quality which I would love to think I could show in my life - a quality I aspire to, I guess.

I believe that for Christians, purity is something which we're all called to in our lives. For single people, that purity is about how we conduct ourselves and our relationships, how we live not just publicly but also privately, how we act and speak but also how we think. And yet purity is also relevant to married people too, because marriages are to be pure, and indeed every one of our relationships is to be pure.

In the chapter I look at various aspects of what I think a pure life looks like -
* A pure life is one which is free from jealousy, bitterness and resentment
* A pure life is one which is free from greed and selfishness
* A pure life is one which is honest and self aware
* A pure life is one which is counter-cultural and goes by God's values rather than by the world's
* A pure life is one which is free from discontent

I also talk about the distinction between being a tortoise and being a sunflower (it makes sense, I promise, but you'll have to read the book to find out more! Clue - sunflower's the one we're aiming for!).

Like with so much of what I talk about in the book, I think we have a choice to make. It's not an easy choice, but it is a real choice. We can choose how to live. We can choose which path to take. We can choose where we look to for comfort and support. We can choose whether or not we live our life with God.

I want to live a pure life. I don't always succeed, I don't always get it right, but with God's help, that's what I'll continue to choose.