Doing life in community

So lately I've been thinking a lot about friendship, and community, and doing life with others. I have the best friends in the whole universe (no, I actually do - I don't care how good you think yours are, mine are better).

4 weeks ago I made vows of dedicated singleness at my beLOVED ceremony (you might not know that - I haven't mentioned it much ;-) ) On that day I was surrounded by my closest friends and greatest supporters. In fact it was really hard because numbers were limited in the venue and there were lots of people I wanted to invite but couldn't. During the ceremony I made vows to the Lord as to how I intend to live my life. And my friends made a vow to support me in doing that. What an amazing, incredible gift that is - the Bishop asked them "Will you support Kate as your friend and sister in Christ in the commitment she is making? Will you pray for her, encourage her and sustain her with your love as she makes this journey of faith?" And they replied "We will!" And they really meant it - they said it really loudly!

So these wonderful people publicly pledged to walk with me through all that lies ahead, both good and bad. I was given lots of beautiful cards on that day. I had asked people not to bring presents (although some still did - naughty! - and thanks!). The cards were an absolute gift and a joy. Words of affirmation are my love language (I've blogged about that before too!), and I love receiving cards with lovely things written in them. The cards have been on display ever since, but this week I took them down so that I could put up my Christmas cards. As I did so, I reread them all. Wow. What an overwhelming display of love and affection and support. I'm an only child and my entire family could fit inside a phone box. And yet here were my brothers and sisters, who had chosen to be there, vowing to stand alongside me through whatever lies ahead. Incredible.

Friendship is such an extraordinary gift. It's a gift because it isn't automatic. There's a choice. No one ever *has* to be your friend, at least not once you're over 5 years old. It's chosen, because of a spark, a shared interest, a shared experience, a sense that here is someone who 'gets' you. With all of my really close friends I can remember the moment I first met them, that feeling of "this is a good person, a fun person, this person could be my friend." Even past the age of 5, there's an excitement in that feeling, as you wonder where it will take you. And there's that fun as you get to know each other better and spend more time together; as you choose to share your secrets, to confide and confess and challenge and console.

My friends are massively important to me. I try really hard to make and maintain friendships. I really need them in my life. I'm an off the scale extrovert (if you know me even 1% of a tiny bit that won't surprise you) and I need to externally process all over the show. This very evening I've been having a long Twitter DM conversation with 2 wonderful friends who have helped me to process some of the stuff in my head.

This is, obviously, even more important to me as a single person. It's not that friendship isn't important when you're married - of course it is, and in fact, many of my closest friends are married. But as a single person I need to build community in a more intentional way. I need to make the effort to maintain friendships with people I don't live near to, and be prepared to travel to see them. I need to make the effort to host people for meals and parties and not simply bemoan that I don't get invited anywhere. (On that - I'm cooking Christmas dinner this year, for the first time ever - think of my poor friends...!)

Today I hosted a Christmas party that I've done ever since 2005 when I first moved to Liverpool (with one year off last year when I was on sabbatical). I invite my local friends and cook up an absolute storm. There's normally enough food for approx. 3.5 times as many people as are present. I love it - it's one of the highlights of my whole year. Today, in my home, old friends and new ones, adults and kids, gathered together to eat and drink and laugh, and I am grateful.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I think it takes a community to live a life as well. My life is the richer for my friends, who are family, community to me.

Here's a photo of the wonderful beLOVED cards I received, which started this whole reflection...

Just being there

Well once again I'm afraid it's been ages since I wrote a blog! Here though, at last, is the 5th post in my series looking at the Five Love Languages - http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ This time I'll be thinking about 'Quality Time'. I've already looked at the other 4 - Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch. You can find them all if you scroll back through the last few months' posts.

So what is Quality Time all about? Well it's about really being 'with' some - genuinely present, in the moment, giving them your undivided attention. It might involve doing something that they want to do although you'd rather not, or it might simply be 'doing nothing' together - that companionable silence and shared space which can be really lovely when we're comfortable with the other person.

I guess Quality Time is important to many of us in some way - none of us wants to feel like we don't matter, or that someone is looking over our shoulder to see how fast they can get away, or looking at their watch thinking about where they need to be next. Whether it's an appointment with our GP, a chat with a friend over coffee, or a meeting with our boss over an issue at work, we want to feel that the other person has got time for us, that they are genuinely present in the conversation and that they've got time for us. If we don't feel like that, but instead feel that they can't wait to get away, we'll be far less likely to say the thing that we've actually come to say, or to be honest and open.

With friendships too, this is really important. Quality Time doesn't have to be long, and it doesn't have to be all the time. It might consist of seeing someone for a day a year. It might be an hour a week. But in that time, however long and however regular, the person's time will be given completely to the other, as an act of generosity.

So Quality Time is important for many of us, but how does it specifically affect single people? It's probably more of(although not exclusively) an issue for those who don't have children and who live alone, because there just isn't someone 'there' to spend time with.

Sean Doherty, in Part 1 of his brilliant series 'The Only Way is Ethics' (Authentic, 2015) makes a brilliant point:
"Once when preaching I talked about needing deep friendships. But someone pointed out to me afterwards that depth is not enough. She had deep friendships. What she missed was someone to share shallow things with. Maybe 80 per cent of marriage is the 'shallow' stuff: emptying the dishwasher, sharing how your day went, watching a movie, knowing someone will miss you when you're away. Intimacy is built on small things."

Yes! This is so true. Sometimes as single people we find ourselves invited for 'special events' but still excluded from the mundane and day to day stuff of life. That's not meant to sound like a complaint! But it's lovely also to be invited to just hang out with people, to watch TV, to have a 'normal' tea (not just a fancy dinner party), to go for a walk, to mooch round the shops... Living alone I find I really do miss doing that 'normal' stuff with other people.

Although Quality Time is about being present it doesn't have to be intense, I don't think. Today I popped round to my friend's house to pick up some things I'm borrowing for a school assembly. I then spent an hour hanging out in her kitchen over a cuppa. During that hour she made tea for the kids, who came and went - they laughed, cuddled, argued, cried, fell out and showed me their homework. She and I had a conversation interrupted by spelling practice, sibling arguments and post-football-reports. But it was still Quality Time because I know they love me, and I'm allowed to be part of their family, and my friend wanted to hear about the important conversation I'd had earlier.

Quality Time takes a bit of effort. Sometimes we end up seeing time with friends as one more thing on our to-do list, and after a half hour chat and cuppa we can cross it off and crack on with the next job. But Quality Time is about being generous with ourselves and our time, being there for one another. It's definitely an investment worth making!

... and when they don't work quite so well...

Earlier in the week I blogged a little excerpt from my book 'Single Minded' about the ways in which friendships between single and married people can work really well, and bless all parties involved. The list was based on questionnaire responses from all the single people that were kind enough to share their thoughts with me as I wrote the book.

Today I want to share the flip side of that list - some of their thoughts as to when things don't work so well, and some of the things which their lovely married friends might (entirely unwittingly I'm sure!) do or say which might be less well received... The lists don't claim to speak for all people, of course - that would be impossible. If you're single there will be some things that you'll instantly recognise and empathise with and others that you'll totally disagree with - feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

I hope the lists are helpful. They're not meant to be rude or arrogant or complaining, but simply observations and sharing some thoughts. Hopefully we can all learn a bit more about how to get on with each other, and love and support one another, as a result.

Don't feel too got at if you're married - the next blog post will be your thoughts (or at least the thoughts of those of you I asked to share with me as I was writing!).

So, here goes -

• When they try to matchmake me without my permission.
• When they act as a couple in ways which feel excluding and uncomfortable (this may be overt shows of affection, or it may be having big arguments).
• When they don't really understand what my life is like.
• When I have to always fit in round them, and whenever we meet it has to be on their terms.
• When they use me as a babysitting service.
• When they only invite me round at certain times but save the 'special times' like Saturday nights for their married friends.
• When they talk non-stop about their children.
• When they moan about their children without realising that I would love to have what they have.
• When friends who have been very close while they were single disappear when they get married and don't keep in touch.
• When they assume that because I don't have children I don't want to be included in their family events.
• When they assume that I am self-sufficient and capable all of the time and don't need any help or support.
• When they ditch me during times of stress in their lives because they turn instead to their family (understandably), and I feel shut out.
• When they don't ever invite me to join them for holidays.

I couldn't very well use a 'negative example' photo here, so instead here's another great example of friendship at its best - vegging on the sofa after a lovely Christmas Day with friends.

Single/married friendships - when they work well...

Recently I blogged some of my 'Things single people wish married people wouldn't say' - there were lots of comments! I think some of the feedback provided me with at least another 10 (maybe for the next book...!). In 'Single Minded' I also included a few other lists, and I thought I'd also share those here. The first is a compilation of the things single people said in my questionnaire, about the ways in which their married friends are fabulous - some of the things which have really worked well in those relationships.

So here's the list, with a huge shout of thanks to all you wonderful married people who are lovely friends -

• When they invite me to be part of their family, including me in everyday events as well as special occasions, making me feel welcome in their homes, allowing me access to their children's lives.
• When they offer me practical help with things that are difficult to do by myself, e.g. house, garden, and car maintenance.
• When they treat me as an equal friend, rather than as someone in a lesser state than them to be pitied and looked after.
• When they look out for me to make sure that I'm safe and can get home late at night.
•  When they don't treat my singleness as an unmentionable issue, but ask me how I feel about it and if I'm ok with it (but at the same time don't make it the only thing we ever talk about!).
• When they invite me round on my own, rather than feeling that they also need someone else there to make up the numbers so we're all couples.
• When they make me feel welcome and at ease in their home and not like I'm in the way or intruding.
• When they make sure I'm not alone at significant times like birthdays, Christmas, Easter and New Year's Eve.
• When they're willing to listen and act as a sounding board when I've got big decisions to make.
• When they invite me to eat with them, both on special occasions and also on ordinary days.
• When I'm able to sometimes spend time with just one of them on their own rather than always being part of a three.
• When they're open and honest and talk about their marriage in a balanced way.
• When they avoid being overly physically intimate when I'm there so that I don't feel awkward.
• When they pray for me and with me, and ask what I'd like them to pray for rather than assuming they know.
• When they invite me to go on holidays with them.
• When they give me hugs (and allow their children to do the same!).

I love these! What a great picture of community, of family in the best sense of the word. What great exampled of flourishing, life-giving relationships where everyone involved benefits.

I am SO grateful to have great friendships with some amazingly wonderful married friends who just 'get it' (and if they don't, say so, and say sorry, when necessary!). Some are my age, some are older; some have kids, some don't. In every case I think (I hope!) every party involved benefits from the friendship.

I hope if you're single you can identify some of these statements above in your friendships with married people (and maybe add some more to the list?). I hope if you're married you've done some of the stuff above - if not, why not pick one and go for it?!

Next time we might go for the negative list, but I thought we'd start on the plus side...!

And by way of evidence, here's a photo of one of my most favourite groups of people in the whole wide world, spoiling me on my birthday last year :-)

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