Extrovert musings...

So, you might not have noticed, because it's not obvious and I don't mention it much, but I'm a bit of an extrovert...

Ha! I am, in fact, quite literally 'off the scale.' (Seriously, I did some sort of test once and somehow my score was beyond the 100% line...)

When I first discovered, years ago now, the real difference between extroverts and introverts, I was fascinated - it all suddenly made sense! Before that, I think I'd just fallen into the trap (that you used to see perpetuated a lot, although less so now), of thinking that extrovert = outgoing and confident, and introvert = shy and withdrawn. That's not really the case at all, it's actually far more interesting and complex than that.

I learned then a method that I still use now if I'm explaining this to people who aren't sure which they are. 2 questions:

1) If you've been working all day and are tired, how would you most like to relax and wind down? a) by going out and meeting up with lots of friends; or b) by curling up on your own with a book.

2) If you have a big decision to make, or a problem to work through, what's the best way for you to do that? a) by chatting it through with other people; or b) by some time on your own to mull it over.

As = extrovert, Bs = introvert.

Obviously it's all a bit more nuanced than that in reality, and some people find themselves somewhere in the middle, or one side sometimes and the other side other times. 

For me though, I'm extrovert all day long! It sounds a bit mad to those people who aren't the same way, but those who are will totally understand:

• I don't know what I think about something until I've said it out loud. Sometimes I hear myself speak and am quite surprised to find out what I think! This can be disconcerting for other people in meetings, especially ones I'm chairing - I have to make sure there's a disclaimer at the beginning about 'thinking out loud.'
• I can't make a decision without talking about it. Often I don't even need the other person to say anything, but the process of saying it out loud helps me to decide. 
• I can't process or work through any stuff unless I have someone to talk it through with. That's a bit of an issue in a year which has been packed full of All Of The Stuff. (Spare a thought for my Bubble Of Joy who are faced with an extreme amount of splurging every time I visit).
• I don't really know how I'm doing unless I say it out loud. People will ask 'how are you?' and I invariably think 'hmm, how am I?' I then start to reply, and discover the answer at about the same time as they do.
• I get my energy from other people. It took me really quite a long time into this whole pandemic thing to realise that was one of the reasons why I was so exhausted (I mean there are lots of other reasons too, who isn't exhausted?!). But I simply was not getting enough energy from other people to keep me going. (A good (introvert) friend of mine observed early on that Zoom is too much people for the introverts and not enough people for the extroverts!).
• I prefer to do about 12 different things at the same time, because it genuinely helps me to concentrate better on each of them.

Writing can help a bit, as a sort of substitute for talking if that isn't possible. Talking to myself can also sometimes help, but not always (though I still do it. A lot). 

I've known all this about myself for some time, and I find it helpful to know, because it means that I'm better able to understand who I am and how I tick and what I need. I imagine it's helpful for my friends to know too - and I always know that a friend really 'gets' me when they say something like 'so shall we arrange a chat so that you can work out what you think?'

The thing that has been interesting lately is pondering what all this means during lockdown (and particularly as a single person who lives alone during lockdown). I guess I could have predicted all of the big stuff that I'd find hard - the process of making big decisions about worship in church, the working through my feelings and emotions about it all, the isolation of spending SO MUCH time on my own.

But what I don't think I would have expected or realised until it happened, was how much I've also missed every other small, everyday interaction that I probably barely noticed. That quick hello in the supermarket. That chat with the neighbour while walking down the street. That moment of bumping into someone by the shops. That car park chat at the end of a meeting. That conversation over coffee during the break in the meeting. 

Those things take only a few moments, but all of them give me energy and help my brain work better - and all of them have all but disappeared. When every meeting is on Zoom, we have 'Zoom fatigue' and eye strain, and understandably as soon as there's a coffee break we get up and walk away from our screen, and only come back when the meeting restarts. But then how am I supposed to find out what I think about how the meeting is going?! (That's the main reason why I'm always the person using the Zoom chat function nonstop - so sorry to those whom it distracts!). Without all of these things, I have lacked energy and focus and drive. Everything has taken longer and felt harder.

I realise that not all extroverts will recognise themselves in what I'm saying (and equally that not all introverts will find themselves at the opposite pole - in fact quite a few of my introvert friends have said "this was great to start with but even I am over it now").

I'm actually a little bit apprehensive, I've realised, about what happens as we come out of this weird year - as we follow the 'roadmap' that leads ahead. 'How long will it be before I can hug my friends?' is a question I've been asking for a long time, but now I realise I'm also wondering things like 'will I still be the same sort of extrovert as I was before?' and 'will the ways in which we interact with each other have changed forever and will that be ok?' and 'can my friends really handle the explosion of extroversion they're going to be faced with over the next few months?!'

I do realise that there's not really all that much that I can do about any of this. As you might expect, I'm mostly just writing this to help myself to work it out! But certainly it's helped me to get to know myself a bit better - and hopefully to understand others a bit better too ("some of my best friends are introverts...!")

"You have kept a record of my tears..."

I've been thinking a bit lately about crying. I wonder what sort of a relationship you have with tears?! I'm a big fan of the Christmas film The Holiday, and in that Cameron Diaz's character Amanda tells Jude Law's character Graham that she hasn't cried since her parents split up when she was a child. She tries several times, squeezing up her eyes and willing the tears to come out, but they won't. The moment we know she's really serious about Graham is when she's leaving in a taxi and suddenly realises that tears are running down her cheeks.

Personally, I cry A LOT. I cry at sad films, and sometimes at happy ones too. I often cry when I'm reading books. I cry when I'm watching the news, and even occasionally when I'm watching adverts... I cry when little kids do something cute. I cry when I'm overwhelmed by beauty - looking at a glorious sunset, for instance. I cry when I hear sad news about somebody else. I cry when I'm lost in worship, singing praises to God, and I almost always cry when someone prays for me. Sometimes I've even made myself cry while I'm preaching, sharing the good news of Jesus' love. I also do that really annoying thing, that a number of other women have told me they do too, of crying when I'm angry! 

Many of the situations above cause me to well up, rather than to sob as such, although anyone who has sat near to me during the worship time at New Wine knows there are times when, to use the marvellous Liverpool phrase that I very much enjoy, I've 'cried my leg off.'

I cry when I'm upset too, of course. I cry when I'm sad, or lonely, or stressed, or overwhelmed, or frustrated. 

The one small flaw in this litany of tears is that I absolutely and completely cannot cry when I'm talking to people. I can be with my dearest, closest friends, or in a prayer group, or with wise spiritual advisers. I can be going through a really tough time, and want to talk about it, and know that the person is willing to listen. I can have been specifically asked how I'm doing, and I can be in the middle of describing the many ways in which I am really not doing well at all. But I cannot cry, because, well, PEOPLE. I only ever cry on my own (New Wine worship times notwithstanding - if my eyes are closed you can't see me, right?!).

(Oh, and another small caveat. A few years ago I did the incomparably superb Arrow Leadership Programme. I cried from the moment we started until the moment we finished. There's some kind of magic there, I can't explain it).

Over the past little while I've been beginning to figure out why it is that the presence of other humans (usually) means I can't cry, and what it's about, and I'm starting to understand it a bit more. I'm really hopeful that, over time, this will change, and I'll be able to be a bit more 'in the moment' with my emotions, so that if I'm telling someone about something really sad, I will be able to cry there and then. (One dear friend often (re)assures me that he's certain he'll be able to make me cry one day...!).

A few months into the first lockdown, someone asked me how I was doing. I said that I was up and down, that it depended on the day, or perhaps even on the hour - I guess that's pretty normal right?! Anyway I then said that I was fairly sure that I'd cried every single day of the lockdown. They looked at me in absolute horror! Maybe they were more on the Cameron Diaz/Amanda end of the tears spectrum! Now, almost a year into this whole pandemic thing, it wouldn't strictly be true to say that I've cried every single day since last March, but there are way more days when I've cried than when I haven't. Like, *way* more.

And so I've been thinking about tears. Specifically I've been thinking about what God thinks about our tears. I've been reflecting on those 2 extraordinary words that John writes in his description of the story of Lazarus. One of Jesus' closest friends has died, and his sisters, also dear friends of Jesus', are devastated. Jesus walks with them to the tomb where Lazarus is laid, and 2 short words tell us so much about the heart of our Lord: "Jesus wept." 

What beautiful words those are. That, and the time when he weeps over Jerusalem, are the only recorded instances in the gospels of Jesus crying, but I doubt very much that they are the only times that he cried. Interesting lines in Christmas carols notwithstanding, he definitely would have cried as a baby, and a child, because that's what babies and children do. But I wonder whether he also cried as a man. I wonder (and of course I can do no more than wonder) whether he cried when his cousin John was murdered. Or when his friends betrayed him. I think that perhaps he did. And I'm certain that he sees my tears, and that he understands.

I've also been thinking about that beautiful verse in Psalm 56, written by King David when he had been captured by the Philistines. It's a Psalm full of raw, real emotion, like so many of the Psalms. That's one of the reasons that so many people find such comfort in their words - because they remind us that we can come to God just as we are, with all of our messy emotions, and that he can take it.

Psalm 56:8 tells me that God has literally made a note of all of my tears. (It's worth reading the verse in a few different translations because there are some fascinating and beautiful different ways of saying that). What an extraordinary thought that is! All those moments when I've cried alone, when emotion has burst out of me, and when it's been buried within. God has seen my tears, he has understood my tears, he has even recorded my tears. (It may not surprise you, having read this far, to find that I am crying as I write these words!).

And then, my mind goes to the last book of the Bible, to the stunning vision of the world beyond this world, to the new heavens and the new earth, and I think of that verse which is sometimes read at funerals. John describes his vision of this future city, which God is preparing for his people. And then in Rev. 21:4 we read that "He will wipe every tear from (our) eyes."

One day, I will live forever with the Lord, and there will be no more crying. Who knows, maybe he'll show me the bottles (giant vats...) that he has collected of my tears over the years. Until then, I'll cry on (sometimes), knowing that he sees me. 

The Billy Graham Rule

Hmm. I've been meaning for ages to blog about this, but never quite got round to it. I think today's the day, although I realise it'll not be without controversy!

That source of all true and accurate knowledge, Wikipedia, says: "The Billy Graham rule is a practice among some male evangelical Protestant leaders, in which they avoid spending time alone with women to whom they are not married. It is adopted as a display of integrity, a means of avoiding sexual temptation, to avoid any appearance of doing something considered morally objectionable, and to avoid being accused of sexual harassment or assault. The rule has been named after Billy Graham, who was one of the early proponents of the practice. More recently, it has also been called the Mike Pence rule, after a US Vice President who also supported the idea."

I guess right at the start, before I go on to criticise the Rule (because you better believe I'm going to criticise it!), I should say that I absolutely get where it's coming from, and what it's seeking to avoid, and the desire for honour and holiness which lies behind it.(I just don't think that it goes about it in the right way).

I understand how it came about, as part of a wider rule called the 'Modesto Manifesto,' since Billy Graham and others were seeking to hold one another to the highest standard, and to ensure that nothing about how they behaved could be misinterpreted or misunderstood.

(It's also worth saying of course that there may be times when a woman wishes to enforce her own version of this rule, because she needs to keep safe and to feel safe, and that's absolutely fine. I'm talking her about when this is enforced upon women.)

OF COURSE as Christians we need to live with the utmost integrity in our relationships. Of course we need not just to live that way, but also clearly to be seen by the outside world to be living that way. We're called to be chaste, to be pure, to be above reproach. The Bible calls married people to live faithfully within marriage, and single people to be celibate. I absolutely support, endorse and uphold that standard.

And equally, of course we have to be realistic about the world in which we live, about the temptations we all face, about the sinful behaviour to which we are all prone. We all need to be honourable in our relationships, to steer clear of temptation, and to make wise choices.

I'm not naive about this. I have witnessed far too many marriages, families and churches torn apart by sexual sin. This stuff really, really matters. The thing is, it actually matters *too much* to be neatly packaged away in a 'rule'. And not just any rule, but a rule which demeans and degrades everyone. A rule which casts the man in the role of weak willed robot, slave to his desires, incapable of withstanding temptation or resisting feminine wiles. A rule which casts the woman in the role of sultry temptress, who with one wink of her eye can draw the man into sin. It's like a cross between a low budget Channel 5 romance and a shampoo advert. Surely we can all do better?

Tish Harrison Warren has written an article about this in Christianity Today, where she says this: "This rule, in its most pristine form, renders male-female friendships impossible. However unintentionally, it communicates to women that they are fundamentally dangerous. And it bars men from meaningful mentorship or pastoral care of women and vice versa."

I have some great male friends. Some of them are married, some are not. If they are married, I always make sure that I get to know their spouse too. In most cases I know and am friends with both, and see both together. Sometimes though, I might spend time with just the man. There's my friend who I sometimes go out with for curry and beer. He's basically the big brother I never had. We have a laugh, and set the world to rights. He's got a brain the size of a planet, and is right an annoying amount of the time (but not as often as he thinks he is!). I adore his wife too, and his kids, but sometimes I just want to go for a curry with him.

It's right and proper, of course, to be careful about how this all works. With my big-brother friend mentioned above, I'd always want to make sure that his wife knew when we were going out. I also have a rule that I wouldn't ever stay overnight in a house where there was only a man, or have a man on his own come to stay here. That seems to me to just be sensible. Plus there's also something about what others see - I don't want the neighbours' curtains twitching! Recently I was due to see some good friends after a conference, have dinner with them, and stay overnight. At the last minute, the wife had to go away. So I still went to the conference, still had dinner with the husband, and then got the train home. Would it have been perfectly safe and chaste and above board if I'd stayed overnight? Absolutely. Was it the right decision to come home? I think so. Because it's important to have rules, and boundaries, and to be wise.

There have been numerous occasions in my life when I've had a one to one meeting or conversation with a man. Some of these have been about pastoral care (one way or another). Some have been about supervision (likewise). Some have been planning meetings. Some have been to do with mentoring/counselling/spiritual direction. Some have been social events. My life (and, dare I suggest, their lives) would have been much poorer had those meetings and conversations never taken place.

So I definitely think it's wise to have some boundaries, and to have thought them through in advance so that everyone's clear. But for me the problem with the BG/MP rule is that it says 'fire is bad' and so removes not just matches and lighters from the house, but also all paper, cardboard and wood. And then it douses the whole place in water.

Honestly, I find it offensive. I am offended that a man would think that half an hour alone with me in a car or a meeting room or a restaurant would mean he'd immediately be led astray. (Ha! Maybe I should be flattered instead!)

I'm offended on behalf of all of the women who have been denied access to meetings and conferences, left out of the old boys' network, and missed out on mentoring opportunities. That's where it leads, I think, at least today, in its modern incarnation. It leads to women being denied a place at the table because everyone else around the table is male.

I'm offended on behalf of single women, since I feel like we get the raw deal here. I need friendships with couples, and I need friendships with singles. I need friendships with women and I need friendships with men. As a single woman I'm not actually attracted to every man that I meet (sorry guys!). Please don't treat me like a threat.

But I'm also grateful, and I'm hopeful. I'm grateful for the extraordinary number of good, holy, Godly, honourable, wise, funny, kind men I know, men who are friends and colleagues and mentors to me.

And I'm hopeful that we might learn to live better together. To live lives which are pure and chaste, which honour one another and honour God. To show the world a model of loving friendship which knows that there's more to life than sex.

Happy ending?

I've been pondering something for a while (that's usually a bad sign tbh...) It's something quite subtle, which you almost might not notice. The problem is, I have noticed, and now I can't stop. Writing this blog runs the risk of you, who may never have noticed before, now also noticing. I'm sorry. Read on at your own risk...!

Here it is. I've noticed a tendency in certain Christian testimonies, for the 'and then they lived happily ever after' part to include "and now they're married with 18 beautiful children" or similar.

Here's an example that I read today, in a magazine I really enjoy, which prompted me to finally write something (even though I've been thinking about doing so for ages). I'm not having a go here at the magazine, or the author, and it was a good article. It just happened to provide an example of this thing.

So in the article there's a story about a guy named Pedro (I would change his name, but the chances are they already changed it when they did the article, so there's no need to make things even more complicated!) Pedro was homeless and an alcoholic, until he found love and care and support and a Christian community which helped him to heal (that bits all great by the way, obvs!).

Here's the thing though. This is how the 'after' part of Pedro's story is described: "Pedro... found a community to support his journey towards sobriety and ultimately a faith of his own. Now, eight years sober, he helps at AA sessions, has married, and regularly cooks for his church's Alpha course."

It happens so often. Not long ago at a women's event I heard something similar: "Lucy (I am making that name up, I can't for the life of me remember what they called her!) has had her life turned around. She was in trouble because of X, Y and Z and her life was awful. And then she met Person A from Charity B and they helped her to sort her life out. Now she's doing this, this and this amazing thing, and she's married with a baby."

I've read it in books, and on social media. I've heard it in talks. OK, maybe I notice this stuff more than someone married would do, but nonetheless it is still actually happening!

Now, don't misunderstand me, I'm not just being a grump (I really hope I'm not anyway!) Obviously, if this person has happened to get married in this period of their life when things are going well, then that's part of their story, and of course it's right for them to tell that if they want to.

The issue for me is when we see the 'marriage and kids' thing as part of the happy ending. This person's life is better now BECAUSE they are married, BECAUSE they have children.

I'm all for celebrating the good stuff. I love to hear testimonies of God at work in people's lives, how their circumstances and their situation have been totally transformed. It's brilliant. But I think there's something about what 'we' (society? church?) see as typical traits of the 'before' and 'after' parts of the story.

BEFORE (BAD STUFF): homelessness, drugs, alcohol, addiction, crime...
AFTER (GOOD STUFF): marriage, kids (and what? 3 bedroom semi? volvo?)

I'm being facetious, of course, but actually the only thing that's got any business being in the AFTER column is: AND NOW THEY KNOW JESUS. (Yes, I know, no longer being addicted to stuff and having a roof over your head are pretty good too, but you get my point).

If I'm being hyper-sensitive about this, no doubt you'll all tell me. If I've made you aware of something that's now going to annoy you when it didn't before, I'm sorry. But if this is a Thing, and if you're single or don't have kids or whatever, and you've noticed it as a Thing too, let me know.

I guess what I'm saying is it feels weird when my life (which I'm happy with, and really quite like, at least the vast majority of the time) is seen as not good enough to feature in the AFTER column. Like when my life is some sort of pre-Good-Morning-makeover-style-reveal.

We must be careful about saying, or thinking, or even implying, that marriage and kids should be part of the 'happy ending' story (although they're great and brilliant when they happen well) - because if they're part of the 'happy ending' story, then where does that leave those of us who don't have them, and possibly never will?

My life is full of Jesus and friends and laughter and kids and chocolate and all sorts of good things. But it doesn't and never will involve marriage, or children of my own. And I'm ok with my own version of the happy ending.

Here's a picture of a sunset, just because they're one of my favourite things, and a pretty good 'ending' for each day, I'd say.

40 Year Old Virgin

I admit I am a tad nervous about this post! I really believe in what I'm about to say, obviously, but it's just not the sort of thing you talk about, is it?! The thing is though, maybe it should be, and so, well, here goes...

If you've ever heard me do a talk on singleness, or read my book (and if you haven't, do buy it here... https://www.eden.co.uk/shop/single-minded-4066886.html!!), then you'll have probably heard me say this, but there's something a bit different about actually writing it down.

Anyway, you may recall that in 2005 a Steve Carell film came out called The 40 Year Old Virgin. I've never seen it, and I don't intend to, but it doesn't take a genius to work out what it's about. The main character, Andy, played by Carell, is a virgin. His friends, his work colleagues, the girlfriend he eventually finds - none of them can believe it. It must be a joke, surely?

A review in Entertainment Weekly said that Carell "plays him [Andy] in the funniest and most surprising way possible: as a credible human being." Wow. It's surprising that a 40 year old virgin could be a credible human being. Really, wow.

This is literally my life, and apparently it's a joke. I mean, it all seems to be going pretty well to me, but evidently it's so impossible and hilarious and ridiculous that people make comedy films about it. How is that supposed to make me feel? Well I don't suppose the people who made the film thought about it, because they probably didn't imagine there were any actual normally functioning adults in that category. I remember years ago a GP literally refusing to believe I was a virgin - and I was only about 22 at the time!

I've become much more aware lately of how often the word 'virgin' is used as a joke. Still. Twice in the past few weeks it's been a punchline to a joke on Mock The Week - it's always something around dinosaurs and comic books and cartoons (for men) and cats and bags and patterned jumpers (for women) and yada yada yada nerds and frumps don't have sex. It's such a ridiculously lazy and stereotyped attempt at humour. It's like being in some kind of adult school playground equivalent where the worst insult/punishment you can think of is not having sex. I mean, I love MTW but seriously, 1989 wants its jokes back.

For several years now I've joked when I've done singleness talks that when I turned 40 I was going to get a tshirt made saying 40 Year Old Virgin. Well, in April this year I celebrated my 40th birthday and I just thought - what the heck! So it was that at the 3 singleness seminars I did this year at New Wine events, I wore the tshirt you can see in the photo below.

What was fascinating about it was the reaction it provoked, in others as well as in me. I didn't wear it all day, partly out of embarrassment, but mainly because I didn't want to be the cause of lots of little kids turning to their parents and asking at full volume, "Muuuuuuum, what's a VIRGIN?" So I only put it on for the seminar, in fact there was a 'reveal' moment in the middle. It got a lot of laughs, and to my surprise hasn't yet ended up online! But I was aware that, even though I had chosen to do this, and was fully on board with the point I wanted to make, there was still a bit of me that felt awkward and embarrassed, like there was something odd or wrong about this. Cultural expectations really can get in our heads, can't they?

And the reactions from friends I told about it was interesting too. Most laughed uproariously and cheered me on (and dared me with other places I should wear it!). Lots said I was "brave." Some looked genuinely a bit horrified, and obviously didn't know what to say.

A month or so on and I'm still pondering. I guess I can legitimately still wear the tshirt until my next birthday eve. To be honest I doubt it will get another 'outdoor' wear. I'm glad I did it though.

Because,here's the thing. I AM A VIRGIN AND MY LIFE IS GREAT. There. I said it. Now, I realise there will be some people reading this who are virgins and whose life is not great. It's not as if the two things automatically coexist. And my life isn't *always* great, obviously - whose is? Sometimes people write to me to tell me how horrified they are about my singleness/celibacy commitment because they simply don't think it's possible to live a happy or fulfilled life that way. Well, here I am, giving it my best shot.

Would my life be different if I'd had sex, if I'd got married, if I'd had kids? Well obviously. Would it be better? There is literally no way of knowing that. Would I change it if I could suddenly have those things? Do you know, I wouldn't - it's taken me a while to get to the point where I can honestly say that, but I can. (I mean don't quote me on it a week on Thursday, because you just never know...).

This is my calling, and so I know some people think it's 'easier' for me to live this way (like it's always so 'easy' to live out the stuff God calls us to, right?!). But it's my belief that for anyone who isn't married, sex isn't an option, we're called then to celibacy. It's such a misused, misheard, misunderstood word. We've made sex such an idol, such a symbol of our supposed freedom and choice. And sex within a loving marriage may well be a wonderful thing (although it isn't always). But I don't believe sex is necessary for a contented life, I truly don't. It is sometimes REALLY hard to live without it (!) but actually there can be real joy and freedom in that.

And I want younger people to look at what lies ahead for them and to know that they have options. I want them to know that things can be ok even if your life doesn't look much like the plan you had in mind for it. I want them to know that you can be whole and complete even without marriage, sex and kids. I want them to know that living God's plan for you is the best life, whatever that looks like. I want them to know that there are incredible and unexpected blessings literally hidden in amongst the pain and the sorrow.

And I really, really want them to know that there's no shame in being a 40 Year Old Virgin.

beLOVED ceremony pt 1

A little while ago now I blogged about my 'beLOVED ceremony'. Well, it happened! Yesterday, in the Lady Chapel at Liverpool Cathedral, around 100 very dear people gathered together for a really beautiful ceremony. It was exactly as I had hoped it would be! Such a joyful and special day. If you read the other blog you'll know what it was all about, but some people have been asking to know more about what happened, so I thought I'd share some of it here.

Below, then, I've copied the words that I said on the day near the beginning of the service, to explain what it's all about. It's therefore similar-ish to my last-but-one post but I thought it would give a flavour of what happened yesterday. More info will follow if you're interested, as I'll blog more about it in the days to come. This isn't the vow, this is just some background and explanation to it all.

So this is what I said:

Well, this is fun isn't it? I've been planning today for such a long time and I couldn't quite imagine what it would look like in reality, but here it is, and here you are, and it's wonderful.

The past few years have been quite a journey as I've thought and learnt and written and taught and prayed about singleness. It's Ian's fault, actually, for starting it all off... He's the one who asked me - what, probably almost 10 years ago now - whether I'd do a seminar at New Wine on singleness. I said no, obviously! The thing was I'd just never heard a talk on singleness that didn't leave everyone feeling considerably worse at the end than they had done at the beginning. I couldn't even envisage what a positive and helpful talk on singleness would look like.

But then I had a dream, and this really hardly ever happens to me, where I woke up, and I absolutely knew that God has spoken to me, and I ended up telling Ian I wanted to do not one but two seminars. And I began to explore what it looked like to live a God obsessed life in a marriage obsessed church and in a sex obsessed world.

I did those New Wine seminars, and then some more, and before I knew it I was being invited all over the country, and indeed all over the world, to speak about singleness. It's certainly an interesting and unexpected thing to have accidentally become a world expert in!

And while I definitely didn't see it coming, I am actually extremely grateful for it, and it's been an amazing privilege. It didn't take long for this subject to become a major passion of mine. I saw just how important it was. I saw how many people were really wrestling with this issue, trying to figure it out, trying to live well in the midst of it. I saw how, very sadly, church had often become a really hard place to be for single people.

It has been a joy to spend the best part of 10 years now journeying with this topic - academically, theologically, spiritually and personally. You simply wouldn't believe some of the conversations I've had with people, as they've dared to share with me their innermost struggles. I hope it's been, and continues, to be, a bit of a wake-up call for the church.

And of course in the midst of all that, I wrote a book. If Ian is to blame for the seminars, Kate is to blame for the book - why not, she said...?! And Graham, too, who helped me to find a publisher and didn't just laugh in my face.

I think though (naively, I now realise) that I thought I could keep all of this, to a degree, at arms' length. I mean obviously it was personal, and one of the things I decided right from the start was that I'd always try to be completely honest. There didn't seem to be any point in doing this and not being, and people seemed to value that. There may at times, of course, have been too much honesty - I don't think I have a fully functioning 'TMI' filter...

But I think I thought nonetheless that this was something which was 'out there'. I assumed that my own personal journey would be separate from the speaking and the writing.

But God, of course, had a different plan. He began, bit by bit, to show me what that was going to look like.

It came firstly as a sudden, unexpected, surprising but definite certainty that I wouldn't get married. I won't tell you the whole story again - I'm assuming you've read the book! If you haven't, I'll be more than willing to flog you a copy before you leave.

To be honest I still struggle to find exactly the right words to describe what happened. Was it a calling, or a choice, or just an understanding of the circumstances? I think it was sort of all three, in a way. Certainly I feel that this is God's best for me, the path he wants me to follow. And certainly I feel too that I did have a choice. I could have rejected it, and chosen a different path. But I wanted in this area, as I want in all areas of my life, to do what he wants me to do. To live his best for me.

So, for a while, I lived in that reality. I tried to find ways to articulate it when people asked me whether I still hoped to get married. I tried to blog about it in a funny way, and sometimes got accused of being bitter when people didn't get my sense of humour. I tried to figure out what it would mean for my future, and to seek to live well in the present.

And then, gradually this time, I became aware of a growing sense that God was asking me to 'go public' with this. I've got to tell you, it's a good job that he took a while to work up to this because if I'd known from that start that this is where it was going, I'd have run. Fast and far.

As I look back now it's amazing this even happened at all because I didn't even know this was a thing. I'd certainly never known anyone who'd done anything like it. And I'm incredibly grateful to those of you who were there from the start as I first began to imagine what it might look like. Thanks for helping me to work this all out.

And so 2 and a bit years ago I gathered with my closest friends and I made a bit of a vow and we all prayed together, and laughed and cried a bit. And I've spent the 2 years since then sort of sitting with it and seeing where it went. And this - this is where it went. This just feels so completely right.

If I'm honest, I still don't really understand why. Why me, why this, why now? I don't know. But I don't think it matters, really, because I'm certain that God does. He knows me better than I know myself, and if this is his best for me, as I think it is, then I'm all in, Maybe it'll just be this one off event between me and him. Maybe it'll be the start of a worldwide movement, as people do their own 'beLOVED' thing. Who knows?

Certainly I don't think this is right for all single people. But for some, for me, it is. And I'm really grateful for the clarity and the freedom of that.

If you're wondering about the name, I did wrestle for a long time over it. For quite some time I just referred to all this as The Thing. But then I was drawn again and again to Song of Songs, and I remembered a phrase I'd heard someone say in a talk - that "God calls you beloved, and he says Be Loved." So there it is.

Someone once said to me "it must be great to know you're called to singleness, so that it isn't painful any more." Ah. No. Sorry about that, but that isn't how it's gone down for me. The only wobbles over the past 2 years have been when I've been wrestling with this, and struggling, and thinking, "should it really be this hard?" But then I've remembered what it always looks like to follow the Jesus Way - the joy and the pain and the hope and the hardship and the grace all mixed up together. And I think that's ok. I think that's how it's meant to be, and how it always will be. I think I can be utterly certain that this is the way I'm meant to live, and still sometimes burst into tears at random moments because it flipping well hurts and I'm lonely and sad.

So anyway, thanks for being here today. Thanks for being on my team. Thanks for not thinking I'm bonkers for doing this - or if you do think that, for hiding it really well. I guess I'm going to need your help in the future to keep on this path, so please stick around. You're all lovely.

When I'm holding a baby...

When I wrote 'Single Minded' there was a bit in it called '10 things single people wish married people wouldn't say.' In my head it was funny. Heck I still think it's funny. I mean, they're true too, every one of them, and they've all been said to me multiple times and I wish they hadn't - but you have to laugh, don't you?! Even if it's just so you don't cry. Anyway the problem is sometimes when people have read that list they've failed to engage their sense of humour sensors, and accused me of being angry and bitter and mean. I start this post by saying that because all of the same caveats apply. This is a post about '10 things not to say to a childless person who's holding a baby.' Again, I've had them all, and I wish I hadn't, and they hurt. I hope after reading the list people might think again before saying them. But at the same time please recognise this post as an attempt at gentle humour (well, that mixed with rabid sarcasm) rather than angry bitterness...

So, here (in no particular order) is my list:

1. Where did you get that from?
Just found it lying around outside. You're allowed to just keep them when that happens, right?

2. You should have said!
I just thought it would be more fun to have a baby in secret and produce it one day with no warning. Thanks for the implicit suggestion that I look like I could have just given birth though.

3. That was quick.
Yeah, in the 3 days since I last saw you I've found a husband, got pregnant, and given birth. What can I say, I'm an over-achiever.

4. Nice to see you getting in some practice.
Yes, it's about time I learnt not to dangle babies upside down from their feet. [Incidentally when I was a little girl I had a favourite baby doll. I was once walking along with my dad and he was carrying the doll by her foot. An elderly lady stopped to tell him off because he wasn't taking proper care of his baby!]

5. That'll be you one day.
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY YOU CAN KNOW THAT TO BE TRUE SO PLEASE PLEASE STOP TALKING OR I MAY BE FORCED TO SCREAM AND SOB IN A HYSTERICAL AND HORMONAL MANNER.

6. You should have your own before it's too late.
Yep, cheers for that, I'll stick it on the to-do list.

7. Is that yours? [from someone who knew me well!]
Yes, I've been keeping her in the garage till now but I thought it was about time I let her have some daylight.

8. Does the Bishop know about that? [I promise someone once asked me this!]
Sssshhhhh - I have a secret miracle baby that I keep in the attic. Please don't give my secret away.

9. I bet you're glad you can give him back.
When there's poo, snot or sick involved - too right. Then I'm laughing. But when he giggles, or grins, or snuggles up or falls asleep on my shoulder - well, then my heart breaks a little bit.

And my personal favourite. I should have £1 for every time it's been said:
10. Ooh, that suits you.
Yep, I know. I've always hoped I'd make a freaking brilliant mum. I absolutely love babies. This moment is simultaneously beautifully sweet and completely heartbreaking. Thanks for reminding me.

So there we go. That's my list. And I know I said I was aiming for humour but it turns out some of them aren't all that funny.

The thing is, please don't hear me wrong. I don't want to make people scared to ever open their mouths around me, or others in my situation. And I'm definitely not suggesting it's not ok to talk to me about this subject. I'm very happy to talk about my life - the fact that I'm single, the fact that I adore children, and would love to have them, but that it hasn't happened - and now won't happen. It's not that I can't or won't talk about it.

I guess what I struggle with is the crass and unthinking comments which can be so hurtful. It sometimes seems as if people haven't even considered for a moment that I'm a 39 year old childless woman, and that when I'm holding a baby, there might be a few different emotions going on. I know my situation is unique to me, and I don't claim to speak for anyone else. I can't imagine what it feels like to try for a baby and be unable to conceive, or to lose a child. I know lots of people don't want kids of their own. And maybe some people would hear the comments above and not mind.

And fortunately I do generally manage a reasonably gracious response when they come. Mostly. Sometimes. You know, now and then...

The thing is, there's been a choice to make. There always is, isn't there, and it's never easy. The choice is how I'll live, how I'll respond. I want to always make the Jesus-y choice. I want to choose the way of love and grace and hope and joy. Often that choice will be painful. Sometimes it would be less painful to make a different choice.

But, because I love children, and because I love my friends, and because I believe it's what Jesus would do, I choose to engage with little ones whenever I can - at church, with friends, randomly on the bus. I choose to volunteer with Safe Families for Children because they're flipping awesome and they are seeking every day to make life better and safer for little ones.

I know, of course, that none of the sentences I've mentioned above were ever deliberately meant to be hurtful. If you've said them to me - I forgive you! And obviously there will have been times when I will have said stupid and crass things, in a whole range of different areas. I'm sorry for all those times I've caused pain. Maybe we can all just aim for a bit more empathy?

Here's a (careful and anonymous!) photo of the tiny person I'm currently looking after from time to time with Safe Families. She's a precious, wonderful joy.

beLOVED

Hmm. Where to start with this post?! Well, I guess the beginning is as good a place as any, so grab a drink and settle in. This could be a long one...

Those of you who have followed this blog for a while, or read my blog, or heard me speak on singleness, will know some of this story - so bear with...

8 years ago I first spoke about singleness, at the New Wine North summer event in Newark. Since then God has taken me on an incredible journey in this whole area, and I've been privileged to travel all over the UK and the world speaking on singleness, and also to have my book Single Minded published: https://wordery.com/single-minded-kate-wharton-9780857214300?cTrk=NjY5NjkzMTJ8NTllYTYxMDc3ZThiZToxOjI6NTllYTYwZmYzNTgxMzkuODU4MzUwMzg6MGM3MWY4NTE%3D

It has been a huge learning curve. It has been my privilege to meet many single people, and to hear their stories, and to share together with them some of the ups and downs of this journey. It has also been great to be invited to share with a number of churches and colleges, and to help them to think about how they can be places of genuine welcome and community.

Inevitably, and wonderfully, over that time God has also been speaking to me about my own life and walk with him. I have learnt SO MUCH about myself and about God! Some of that journey is explored in Chapter 7 of the book (incidentally, I always know whether or not someone is telling the truth about having read my book, since I share so personally in Chapter 7 - so if they don't know that part of my story, they haven't really read it!)

In that chapter I shared my belief that God was calling me to remain single, and that I had decided to make a choice to embrace that calling and live that way.

But since then, there's more...!

A couple of years ago I began to sense that God was calling me to do something to publicly mark that calling and decision. I had no idea how to do that, or if it was even a thing! I began to explore a bit, and discovered that there was a fact a way to do this, a community to join as someone who had chosen to remain single for life. The problem was that while that particular community may be a great choice for many people, it simply wasn't the right one for me. It didn't seem to reflect my personality, my story, my churchmanship, my journey.

After a bit of time spent praying and wondering and pondering, I went to talk to my Bishop, who fortunately is all sorts of wise. He said that if the existing way to do this wasn't right for me, then I should just make up my own way! So I did, with his help, and the help of my closest friends.

So it was that in Sept 2015 12 of us gathered together in the Bishop's chapel as I made what if I was becoming a nun (which I REALLY am not!) I might have called 'novitiate vows'. I made a vow, they prayed for me, we sang, we shared communion. It was wonderful.

And then I spent the next 2 years seeking God for what this might look like going forward. Had I really heard him right? Was this a bonkers idea born out of too much cheese one night - or was it really a calling from the Lord, a chance to serve him with my whole heart and soul in a new way, to explore a vcry particular vocation?

Well, 2 years has passed, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the cheese. I've actually never wavered from my conviction that this calling is from the Lord. There have been times when I've felt awed by the hugeness of it all, and what it represents. And I suspect I will always get a bit teary from time to time around babies. I will always need my people - my closest friends, who are family to me, who 'get' me and are there for me through it all.

I'm incredibly grateful to God for this adventure we're on together. I have no idea where this will lead or what it will look like in 2 more years, or 5, or 10. But I do know that this is what I need to do, now, before God.

So it is that at the end of November I will gather in Liverpool Cathedral, with some friends and family, to make the equivalent of 'life vows'. I am writing the service myself, to express who I am, and what this journey has looked like for me. 

Some of you know this, as you have walked the journey with me. I am more grateful to you than I can express, most especially those of you who were there in Sept 2015. Some of you will be there to celebrate with me in November (I can't wait!). Some of you can't be there, and I will miss you.

It's a source of huge sadness to me that I can't invite all of you wonderful people out there. I am blessed with so many amazing friends, and I thank God for you all - but for you all to be there I'd need the whole Cathedral, not just the Lady Chapel! (Not to mention that I'd have to re-mortgage the vicarage to pay for the lunch).

So, if I haven't invited you, I'm sorry - I hope you will still pray for me as I step out into this new thing with God.

I hope that what I've written makes sense. Lots of people, when I've told them, have done a goldfish impression for a while and then said "gosh - I've never heard of that before!" Well no, neither had I!

I hope Alan Scott will forgive me for quoting a sentence that I heard him say at New Wine this summer - "Who knows what Jesus will do next? He's desperately kind and wonderfully good." Oh yes! I'm so excited for what lies ahead...

Oh, and in case you're wondering about the title of this post, well, it's the name I have decided to give to this whole 'thing' that I'm doing. (Good job, too - its working title among my friends was 'The Thing' for months!). It comes from a phrase I heard Anne Maclaurin say years ago - "God calls you beloved and he says be loved."

So my 'Thing' in November is called the beLOVED ceremony (with thanks to Laura Ferguson for her design skills).

Sabbatical highlights

Well, that's it! After a fantastic 4 months off, tomorrow I return to work. (I'm spending my first week at General Synod because I thought it would be a good idea to ease myself in gently. Ha!!).

I really had no idea what to expect before my sabbatical began. What would it feel like to have 4 months 'off'? Would I find myself feeling lonely, disconnected, bored? Would I want to come back after just a week or two away? Or, worse, would I not want to come back at all?! Would I find I'd forgotten how to truly rest and relax?

The idea of sabbatical is something we just don't come across in our society today. Almost without exception, when I told people outside of the church what I was doing, they said "wow, lucky you - I wish I could do that!" But no one ever had done, or realistically had any chance of ever doing so. I realise it is a very lovely gift which most clergy are able to enjoy, and I am grateful for it.

Sabbath is such an important biblical principle, stemming from God's resting after he had created the world. I'm grateful for my weekly sabbath, and also for this longer one, which I began 7.5 years into being an incumbent.

To be honest I'm still processing all that happened during my sabbatical, and I will probably be doing so for some time to come. I'm sure there will be many more blog posts about different aspects of it. I'm very much hoping that at some point a book will emerge too, but I didn't get as much written as I'd hoped. Oh well - there's no rush!

Here, then, follow (in no particular order, and still fairly unfiltered and unprocessed), some of the main highlights of the past 4 months.

* Simply, if it doesn't sound too mad, the gift of not rushing! This is something I simply must learn and carry with me as I go back. I am determined to not plunge immediately back into headless-chicken territory! I *will* remember to pause, and rest, and go to bed at a sensible hour.

* Not being in charge of anything. I am most definitely wired to be a leader, so I wouldn't want this long term, but for a while, it was great! I didn't have to make complicated decisions, I didn't have to make sure anything was running smoothly, no one was looking to me for answers!

* Loads of time to read. I loved this! I do read a lot anyway, but generally in fairly snatched chunks of time. So lots of uninterrupted time to read at leisure, and really absorb what I was reading, was great.

* Being able to simply worship on a Sunday morning. Now, of course, I hope to manage this most Sundays! But the honest truth is that it is often a bit complicated by leading, or preaching, or both. I have one eye on what's coming next, and who is doing what, and if everyone's OK. I worship too, of course, but it's different. And so to be able to concentrate simply on worshipping was a joy.

* I mainly worshipped at 2 very different churches - different from each other, and different from St. George's. While I was in the US I was most often at Desert Vineyard Church, which is the reason I had gone to the US at all. It's a very large church by UK standards, with a fabulous worship group, great teaching (much longer sermons than most Anglican churches!), and a significant ministry among the poor. While I was in the UK I was most often at Liverpool Cathedral. It has stunning choral music and inspiring teaching, and is a growing cathedral with an impressive ministry of outreach and discipleship. Being part of both churches, even for a short time, inspired and blessed me, and I'm grateful to them.

* Learning from others. I wanted to go to the US to spend some time with a leader I greatly admire. Unfortunately due to his being diagnosed with a serious illness just before I went, I couldn't spend as much time with him as I'd hoped. My plans had to change. But nothing is wasted with God. I did still spend some time with him, and even in that, I learnt. And because of the change of plans, I met lots of other amazing people. They were kind and generous and wise and fun and I learnt from all of them.

* Travelling. I LOVE to visit new places, and boy did I get to do that! New York, Alexandria, Washington DC, Lancaster, Palmdale, Santa Monica, Laguna Beach, San Francisco (and all points up the coast towards it!). It was so much fun to explore.

* Preaching. It was a total joy and privilege to preach at the Desert Vineyard. I know, as a leader, that it's a risk to invite someone else to preach in your church, and so I'm grateful for the invitation and the opportunity. It developed a good bit of stamina in me too - a 45 minute sermon repeated 3 times is not something I do every week! I absolutely loved it, and it certainly didn't feel like work.

* Urban mission and ministry. I wanted to go to Lancaster (California, not the north west of the UK!) because of the incredible way the church there loves and welcomes and ministers to and basically IS the poor, the broken, the vulnerable. This is my heartbeat, and it's theirs too. It is such a beautiful church. Serving in some of their compassion ministries was an absolute privilege, and I am awed by the way they love their neighbours. God re-broke my heart for what breaks his.

* Unexpected blessings. From the beautician who gave me the gift of a free manicure and pedicure, to an overnight stay in a beautiful beach house; from the numerous occasions I was treated to a meal out, to the friend who sent me a Christmas chocolate parcel; from the hospitality of all the people who let me stay in their homes, to being driven up the coast in a convertible for a yummy breakfast - time and time again I was overwhelmed by people's generosity and kindness.

* I love my friends! I'm so grateful to the people who kept in touch via text, Twitter, email, Facebook etc. Thank you for being interested in my over-sharing social media rambles! Thank you for missing me. 2 massive highlights of my whole sabbatical were the first time I saw my best friend's 3 kids and they literally leapt on me with joy, and the time I went to my friends' house for dinner on my return to the UK, only to have several other friends jump out from behind the door for a surprise party. I'm so blessed! One lovely friend came out to join me on an epic road trip. I saw 2 old school friends that I hadn't seen in donkey's years. And I made loads of new friends while I was away too, and they're also a wonderful gift.

* I love my church! Much as it was great to worship regularly in 2 other churches, and occasionally in a few more, I can't wait to be back with the wonderful, fabulous, gorgeous people of St. George's Everton! They are my family and I love them lots.

* I said in no particular order, but actually, this last one is the biggie. God used this sabbatical to do in me some things that really needed to be done! He gently showed me some things that I needed to sort out, and provided the people and the places and the opportunities I needed to do that. Ultimately, above all else, that's what this sabbatical has been about - foundational, heart stuff which will last forever. I'm so grateful to him for that.

That's quite enough rambling for now. On the eve of my return to 'real' life, I feel grateful and blessed. I'm excited to be back at work (that's a relief!). I have so many good memories. And I just may be beginning to plan my next sabbatical...

Social media, instant news and how we communicate

When I was 19 I went off on a gap year to Borneo for 7 months.  Email was only just beginning to be a thing (gosh that makes me feel old!), and so I was just about able to email home once a week if the computer decided to behave. My parents didn't have a computer so would check it at their friends' house. I phoned home weekly (I expect their phone bill was horrifying). And that's basically all the 'keeping in touch' I did.

I'm currently on sabbatical and spending 10 weeks in the US. I spent 2 1/2 weeks being a tourist in New York, Virginia and Washington DC, and am spending the rest of the time in Lancaster California, visiting a church led by my good friends.

I was reflecting on the fact that communication has changed so much during that time. My gap year was 19 years ago (oh my gosh, I'm now twice as old as when I did my gap year. AAARGH!). Now, in order to keep in touch with people back home, I write blogs on my tablet which I instantly post online via WiFi.  I post updates and photos on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. My family and friends at home know what I'm doing almost as I'm doing it. They're in touch with my news and I'm in touch with theirs. Plus I'm in touch with actual news - I know what's going on in the world all the time thanks to Twitter newsfeeds, news websites, and my newspaper subscription.

What has this communication revolution done for the way we interact with and treat one another, I wonder? I love social media - I'm an extrovert, and I really enjoy being in touch with people even when I'm on the other side of the world, and being able to share my news and hear theirs. But it's fundamentally changed how we communicate, and definitely not always in a good way.

I find myself being actually quite glad that all these communication media didn't exist 19 years ago. I don't think that spending 7 months working in a remote Borneo village would have felt like quite as much of an adventure if I'd been able to post photos every evening and see all that I was missing out on day by day from home. It made it feel more special to be away and pretty much out of contact for that time, and coming home with news, stories and pictures was exciting.

Having said that though I admit that I'm glad social media does exist now. It's really helped while being here to be able to keep in touch with people at home. In a new place, far away from home, settling in, finding my way around, making friends, having new experiences, it's been great to be able to share those and have people comment and interact.

A silly example of this was when I slipped and fell on a wet air vent on a Washington DC pavement. I was very English about it, leaping up to insist I was fine, but actually I'd really hurt myself! Posting about it on social media, and getting friends from home sending sympathy (and lots of teasing too!) really did make me feel better.

Also, as I'm travelling alone, posting photos and stories really helps to feel that I'm sharing the experience with someone else, which massively reduces any feelings of loneliness (so big thanks if you've commented on any of my posts - thanks for being my virtual travel companions!)

I don't know how much social media usage is correlated with personality but I know that for me as a single, living-alone, extrovert activist, connecting with the world on social media is a massive help in reducing loneliness and enabling me to extrovertly process my head! Of course I have to make sure it doesn't also take over my life and either become an idol, or stop me from actually enjoying the experiences in real time in the first place - but as long as I do that, for me at least, I think it's a great thing.

Having said all of that though, I've also been doing a lot of thinking lately about how we communicate with one another on social media. Really it's all still pretty new, and it has changed how we interact and communicate so fundamentally. Sometimes I scroll through my news feed and am moved to tears, heartened, encouraged, and blessed. Sometimes I am horrified, appalled, angered and ashamed. And sometimes of course I'm just laughing at cats scared of cucumbers (if you've never seen it, do yourself a favour and get on YouTube right now - you won't regret it).

I love it when social media introduces me to an idea that's new, when I discover a talk or book that I want to check out, when I see a quote that really speaks to me, when I'm challenged to think about something in a new way. I love it when people come together to campaign for change and something brilliant and heartwarming happens (the recent story of the dad trying to find a replacement sippy cup for his autistic son, and Tommee Tippee agreeing to make a lifetime's supply, was one of the most amazing examples of this that I've seen). I love it when twitter banter is at its daftest and funniest, spreading jokes and cartoons and silliness. I love it when people stand shoulder to shoulder with people in need, even if they don't know one another. I love it when people stand up to bullies and trolls and haters, when they refuse to let abuse go unchallenged.

But gosh, social media can also be an awful, horrible thing, can't it? It can be a place of abuse and nastiness and evil and ignorance and bullying. I honestly think that sometimes people forget that they're writing ONLINE - that potentially the whole entire world is watching and reading what they say. Surely that's the only explanation for some of what we see?

I hate it when social media is used to bully and oppress certain groups in society. I hate it when it's used to spread ignorance and fear and to stir up violence. I hate it when it's used as an anonymous shield to hide behind while threatening people for holding a certain viewpoint. I hate it when people just SHOUT out their own opinion again and again without actually listening to what the other person is saying (or thinking about how they might be feeling). I'm horrified when a lot of the time I see Christians treating each other online in these ways - if we can't be loving and gracious and generous to each other online then what hope do we have?

So is social media and the massive change in how we communicate and interact online a good thing or a bad thing? Well clearly it's impossible to answer that really - it's both, and much more besides. It's a massive blessing in so many ways, but we really must be careful and wise as we engage with it.

And a reminder of the good stuff, to end with:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-38141319

Just one...?

I've just got back from a short break in Dublin. I'd never been, and it turns out Dublin is a beautiful, fabulous city. You may have already known that! But if you didn't, I'm telling you - you need to go! I visited St. Patrick's and Christ Church Cathedrals, Dublinia, the GPO and the Witness History, Dublin Castle, did a walking tour, the Literary Pub Crawl, the 1916 'Beyond the Barricades' bus experience, went to Once at the theatre, did a tasting tour at the Irish Whiskey Museum, saw the Book of Kells at Trinity College and travelled all over the place on the open top tourist bus. I also ate a lot of food and drank a lot of beer! All in all, it was a very splendid holiday. I could have lived with the sun shining a bit more, but that's my only real complaint...!

It was a fairly last minute decision to go to Dublin. I went to Ljubljana for a week in May with a friend (also a gorgeous and wonderful city!), and am lucky enough to have a sabbatical from mid-October, some of which I'll be spending in the US. With all that going on, I hadn't really planned in much other time away - but it turns out that almost a whole year with only 1 week of actual holiday isn't really enough! So, to stop myself from losing the plot entirely I squeezed in this almost-a-week away.

I have a lovely friend with whom I go on holiday fairly often - generally once a year for the past several years. We like pretty much the same things, holiday-wise, so it works well, and we've got a good system going now! I also occasionally go away with my best friend's family, or I go to stay with friends around the country. That's all good.

There are times, however, when I want to go away, but either there's no one available to go away with, or we don't want to go to the same place, or we're not free at the same time, or whatever. It's the single person's holiday curse! In the not-at-all scientific survey I did of some single friends while I was writing my book, I asked them to rate various 'issues' faced by single people. 'Lack of touch' came out at the top of the list of things people struggled with, and 'holidays' came in second.

Whenever I share this list with groups of people when I'm speaking about singleness, married people are generally surprised by holidays being on the list, and certainly it isn't usually something they would guess. (The single people, of course, TOTALLY get it!).

It's a dilemma, especially for me as an extrovert. When I told some people that I was going away on my own, they sort of went quiet, and looked at me in that certain special way and asked "er, are you going to be... ok?" I tended to grin and cheerfully announce "well, there's only one way to find out...!"

I have been away on my own before, for a couple of days to London, and for a few days to Morpeth. However this time was my first holiday "abroad" (I know, it's Dublin not the Far East - but still!). It was only for 5 days and 4 nights, but that's a long time to not know whether I'd have any sort of meaningful conversation with another human person!

Anyway, the good news is that it was fabulous, almost all of the time. It helped that the Olympics was on, so when I got back to my hotel room each evening I could catch up on the day's events. It helped that the hotel had wifi so that I could spend time on social media when I was there - in fact that and a central location were my only 2 real requirements hotel-wise.

Often when I speak about singleness I have conversations with people who are too scared to go on holiday on their own. Sometimes they're too scared to go out for a meal or to the cinema or theatre on their own. I get that, I really do. But the thing is this - how much are you willing to miss out on? All those places you won't have visited, all those restaurants you won't have eaten in, all those films and plays and shows you won't have seen. So be brave! If I can do it, you can (and actually if you're more of an introvert than me, you might jump at the chance!).

So below (in no particular order) I offer you a few plus points of holidaying alone, a few suggestions of things which might help, as well as a few light-hearted grumbles and warnings...

• The first and most obvious positive is that you get to make all the decisions! Where to go, what to do, what time to eat, what time to sleep, etc etc. You can entirely please yourself, and it's marvellous!
• There is, though, a direct flipside to this, which is - you have to make all the decisions! Sometimes it would be nice to just have someone else make a suggestion, or a decision.
• Do take a book with you everywhere you go. It is a million times easier to sit in a cafe, restaurant, pub or bar while reading, than simply doing nothing. I tend to take my tablet and then I can read the newspaper or my kindle app or whatever. Without that I would get bored more quickly and also feel more awkward.
• Vary the things you do each day between things where you're on your own, or things where you'll be mixing with other people. I make a bit of a plan each evening about what I might do the next day.
• Sign up for some trips, or tours, where you'll mix with other people. All the tours I've ever done on holidays have included some people travelling alone. It's great, as you get to spend a bit of time within a group, and to share the experience with others. The walking tours and literary tours I did in Dublin were great for this, and on the literary pub crawl in particular I got chatting to some other girls travelling alone or in pairs.
• One annoying thing is there's no one else with you, so they can't go and reserve a table while you order or pay. The number of times I've missed out on a cafe table because someone behind me in the queue has had a friend to go and bagsy a table for them...!
• If you're going to the theatre and there's an interval, my suggestion is to buy a programme. I know they're ridiculously overpriced and are 80% adverts, but it really helps in the interval to have something to do! I never quite feel I can get out my book, but flicking through a programme helps me to feel less of a spare part!
• The last night was tricky. It was a Friday and I simply hadn't bargained for how busy everywhere would be. I wanted to find a pub with traditional music but everywhere was rammed. I wandered around for ages getting more and more hungry (hangry, if I'm totally honest!). I ended up in one pub where there were no tables, but you could sit at the bar and order snacks. I did so, and for 15 minutes was ignored by the bar and waiting staff. RUDE! I left...
• Do be brave - do the things you feel like doing, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks! I know it's a cliche to say you'll never have to see these people again - but it's a cliche because it's true! This was especially true for me on the last night. After my slightly trying evening, when I eventually did find a pub to eat in, I wanted a last-night treat. I ordered the special - lobster salad. The waiter genuinely paused, looked me up and down, and said "for one?" I thought "how many do you flipping well think it's for?" It's not as if it was a sharing platter - it was a single meal, for one, and I was on my own. So what if it was a fancy meal - I fancied it! I love lobster, I was near the coast, the seafood was amazing. Out loud, I said "yes, please." In my head, I said "DO AS I ASK AND BRING ME A LOBSTER AT ONCE, MY MAN." 
• In a similar vein, eat ice cream, or chips, or order Prosecco, or whatever the heck you feel like doing, regardless of whether you're on your own. Why shouldn't you?!
• The one thing that did drive me a bit mad while I was in Dublin, and prompted me to start mulling over this blog post, and was the inspiration for the title, was the number of times I went in somewhere and was asked "just one...?" Restaurants, cafes, bars, even, bizarrely, a bus... I have reached the point where I have no shame about this. Yes, I am only one, and I may well occupy a table that could take 2 or even 4. So what? I will spend money that is as good as theirs - and if you'd seen me eat, you'd realise I may even spend as much as they would! If people are rude about this, I leave. Whatevs. If they're friendly and accommodating, it scores them many points - I will return. I'm not deliberately difficult - if I start off at a big table and a smaller one becomes available I'll happily move, but I have as much right as anyone else to a table in the first place!
• I was on the open-topped bus one time and someone on their own got up to get off. The driver (who fancied himself as a bit of a "comedian" started to chat (into the mic which the whole bus could hear) - "where's the rest of your gang then? What - you're on your own? Billy-no-mates are you?" How flipping cheeky is that? When I got off I raced down the aisle and straight off, because if he'd said something like that to me then I can't guarantee I'd have been polite!
• I wonder what's in people's heads, sometimes, with this "just one...?" business. Is it that they could never conceive of going out, or away, on their own? Is it that they think you must have temporarily mislaid your partner or friend, and they're pointing it out in case you go "oh flip, I knew I'd forgotten something!" I mean, I realise it could just be a request for information - "what is the size of your party so that I know what facilities you require?" - but 9 times out of 10 it doesn't feel like that. And the question "table for one?" is perfectly reasonable, and generally I say it myself as I walk in. But it's the "*just...*?" that gets me - the unspoken feeling of "good gracious what on earth is wrong with you?" But maybe I'm just over sensitive...

Anyway, what about you? I'd love to hear. Do you agree, or disagree? Have you holidayed alone? How did it go? Or would you like to but have never quite had the nerve? Do share your thoughts and stories.

And to end, the final downside of holidaying alone - you end up with lots of photos of where you've been, but hardly any of you! (I know, I know, selfies, but I feel so daft!). And so here is the only photographic evidence I have that I was actually in Dublin at all - from the Irish Whiskey Museum, no less!

Just being there

Well once again I'm afraid it's been ages since I wrote a blog! Here though, at last, is the 5th post in my series looking at the Five Love Languages - http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ This time I'll be thinking about 'Quality Time'. I've already looked at the other 4 - Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch. You can find them all if you scroll back through the last few months' posts.

So what is Quality Time all about? Well it's about really being 'with' some - genuinely present, in the moment, giving them your undivided attention. It might involve doing something that they want to do although you'd rather not, or it might simply be 'doing nothing' together - that companionable silence and shared space which can be really lovely when we're comfortable with the other person.

I guess Quality Time is important to many of us in some way - none of us wants to feel like we don't matter, or that someone is looking over our shoulder to see how fast they can get away, or looking at their watch thinking about where they need to be next. Whether it's an appointment with our GP, a chat with a friend over coffee, or a meeting with our boss over an issue at work, we want to feel that the other person has got time for us, that they are genuinely present in the conversation and that they've got time for us. If we don't feel like that, but instead feel that they can't wait to get away, we'll be far less likely to say the thing that we've actually come to say, or to be honest and open.

With friendships too, this is really important. Quality Time doesn't have to be long, and it doesn't have to be all the time. It might consist of seeing someone for a day a year. It might be an hour a week. But in that time, however long and however regular, the person's time will be given completely to the other, as an act of generosity.

So Quality Time is important for many of us, but how does it specifically affect single people? It's probably more of(although not exclusively) an issue for those who don't have children and who live alone, because there just isn't someone 'there' to spend time with.

Sean Doherty, in Part 1 of his brilliant series 'The Only Way is Ethics' (Authentic, 2015) makes a brilliant point:
"Once when preaching I talked about needing deep friendships. But someone pointed out to me afterwards that depth is not enough. She had deep friendships. What she missed was someone to share shallow things with. Maybe 80 per cent of marriage is the 'shallow' stuff: emptying the dishwasher, sharing how your day went, watching a movie, knowing someone will miss you when you're away. Intimacy is built on small things."

Yes! This is so true. Sometimes as single people we find ourselves invited for 'special events' but still excluded from the mundane and day to day stuff of life. That's not meant to sound like a complaint! But it's lovely also to be invited to just hang out with people, to watch TV, to have a 'normal' tea (not just a fancy dinner party), to go for a walk, to mooch round the shops... Living alone I find I really do miss doing that 'normal' stuff with other people.

Although Quality Time is about being present it doesn't have to be intense, I don't think. Today I popped round to my friend's house to pick up some things I'm borrowing for a school assembly. I then spent an hour hanging out in her kitchen over a cuppa. During that hour she made tea for the kids, who came and went - they laughed, cuddled, argued, cried, fell out and showed me their homework. She and I had a conversation interrupted by spelling practice, sibling arguments and post-football-reports. But it was still Quality Time because I know they love me, and I'm allowed to be part of their family, and my friend wanted to hear about the important conversation I'd had earlier.

Quality Time takes a bit of effort. Sometimes we end up seeing time with friends as one more thing on our to-do list, and after a half hour chat and cuppa we can cross it off and crack on with the next job. But Quality Time is about being generous with ourselves and our time, being there for one another. It's definitely an investment worth making!

The gift of... well, gifts

Ages ago I decided I was going to blog about the 5 Love Languages http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. I did the first 3 and then slightly ran out of steam! So here's number 4 - sorry there's been such a long gap!

I've already talked about Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. This time I want to talk about Receiving Gifts. Who doesn't like receiving gifts?! I guess most of us like presents, but the truth is that they're definitely more important to some people than to others. I like getting presents, of course I do, but actually in many ways I like a card or note better! I'd far rather receive a card, written from the heart, with kind and encouraging words in it, than an expensive present! (A card that just has someone's name scribbled in it doesn't count - the words are what's important!). That's because my love language is Words of Affirmation, so the main way in which I feel loved is through words.

That said though, presents are still great, especially thought through and well chosen presents. Present-buying is actually quite a gift. Some people only seem able to buy presents they themselves like, even if it's something the person they're buying for wouldn't like at all. I remember learning this quite early in life. My mum came home one day with a present for my great aunt. It was a brooch - truly one of the ugliest things I had ever seen! I asked my mum what on earth she was thinking - it was hideous! "That's true," she said, "it's horrible. But Aunty Mary will like it." Sure enough, when it came to Aunty Mary's birthday, she loved it, and she often wore it. I was astonished, and impressed! Buying presents, it turned out, was a selfless act - you had to imagine what the other person would most like.

I find that quite fun, and enjoy buying presents for people. In fact sometimes people are surprised to learn that I'm less bothered about receiving gifts, because I like buying and giving them so much! I'm one of those really annoying people (I get this from my mum too!), who buys presents all year round, and keeps them in a special cupboard. I buy something, whenever I see it, which I know that a certain person would like, even if it's just after Christmas and their birthday is months away. For some really good friends I have 3 or 4 presents hidden away, because in each case I've seen something and known that they'll love it. (Of course the trick then is remembering that when it comes to their birthday!).

I have all sorts of random presents in my cupboard. More than once there's been an 'emergency present' required - e.g. when we've found out at the last minute that one of the kids of one of our church families who are in need has a birthday, and I've been able to race home and find something to fit the bill. I also love buying presents for my friends' kids. For my Godchildren, I buy presents not just at Christmas and birthdays, but also on the anniversaries of their baptisms.

As a single person (even though I realise I've just said I prefer cards!), presents are hugely important to me. My family is tiny - we'd pretty much all fit in a phone box - and realistically the only people who really HAVE to buy me presents are my mum and dad. It's massively special, then, when people buy me presents who really don't have to. I'm fairly easily pleased present-wise (HINT: jewellery, bags, scarves and pretty stationery are ALWAYS going to work :) ), but it is so very lovely when friends (who are under no genetic obligation to do so) buy me a present.

Christmas and birthday presents are obviously lovely. I'm so grateful to my wonderful friends who buy me presents then. At my best friend's house, where I have breakfast every Christmas morning, I even get my own Christmas stocking :)

What's also lovely and wonderful is presents for no particular reason - presents because someone simply saw something and thought of you. What a lovely thing that is. I think the reason I enjoy that so much is knowing that firstly someone knows me well enough to know that I would love that particular thing, and secondly that they were thinking of me when they saw it, and went to the trouble of buying it for me.

Sometimes it's easy to think that I don't really matter all that much to anyone - perhaps as a single person this is a particularly common thought pattern, because there's no 'one person' to whom we are most special, and who we know will always have us in mind. But receiving a gift, by its very nature, makes us special - it reminds us that someone has thought about us, and cares for us, and has gone to some trouble for us. That is definitely a gift worth receiving!

Here's a rather lovely gift I received recently (teabag not supplied):

A yellow giraffe t-shirt

I've sort of been 'brewing' this blog post for a while now, but even as I type, I'm nervous about how it will be received... will it be a bit too much like just letting you all read my journal? Well, maybe. But then maybe that's just what blogging is anyway. And if you've ever read this blog before, or if you know me in actual real life, then you'll know that I'm a majorly over-sharing extrovert, so hey, whatcha gonna do?!

I've blogged on a similar-ish theme before, just after Mothers' Day last year - http://katewharton.blogspot.co.uk/2014_04_01_archive.html. 

This time it was being at the New Wine England Summer Gathering that made me start to ponder this whole issue of childlessness. (And before I go any further, if you don't know what New Wine is, check it out here - http://www.new-wine.org/home)

 So. I want to write about not having children, and what that feels like for me. I want to do that, although it may make me cry, because I find the writing cathartic, as a way of processing it all. And I want to do it too because it may just help someone else along the way, to think or reflect or face up to this issue for themselves.

I want to be really careful about the language I use, and I hope you'll bear with me. I don't want to offend or upset anyone. I can only share my thoughts and my experiences - yours will be different. And I can (obviously) only talk about not having children from the perspective of someone who is single. The issue of childlessness is a whole different thing for married people who are unable to have children, and/or have lost children. I have a number of friends in that category, and I grieve for them. I can't imagine what that feels like. I've found this blog to be a beautiful and honest exploration of some of those issues - http://saltwaterandhoney.org/

I recognise too that for many single people, the 'children thing' isn't a thing at all. It is at best a peripheral issue, something that inevitably goes alongside being single, but isn't too much of an issue in and of itself - certainly not the main event. It's not something that people necessarily think of when they think of singleness. Single people don't have a spouse. Married people can be childless, not single people. And yet for some (although of course not all) single people, it can be one of the biggest areas of pain.

I would love to have children. I've wanted to have children for as long as I can remember, and I don't think that's just because in a way it's sort of assumed that women will. It was just something within me - I wanted to be a mum.

I love children, and I'm pretty good with them. I can, generally, talk to them, and play with them, and have fun with them and enjoy their company. Whether they're teeny-tiny, or toddlery, or tantrumy, or tweenagey, we can usually manage to get along well.

Obviously I love my friends' kids a huge amount. I have 3 fabulous Godchildren, and those 3 families contain my most favourite 7 children ever. But lots of other friends have kids too, and they're all special.

I really love spending time with children. It's such an awesome privilege to be allowed to be part of a little person's life - that they'll talk to you about the stuff that matters to them, and give you a big slobbery kiss because they've missed you, and slip their hand into yours as you walk down the road.

I spend quite a bit of time around kids at the moment. Partly that's a life-stage thing. Lots of my friends either have small kids (or much bigger kids!), or are pregnant. We do lots of things for kids at church. Just this last week we had 43 kids and their parents/carers in church for a fun day, and then we took them all on a trip to a theme park. It was great - sharing life with them, talking to them about Jesus, seeing their excitement as they went on the rides, hearing their laughter.

And at New Wine too, it was great. We had a fair few kids on our camp site (including all 3 of my gorgeous Godchildren - what a treat!), and it was really fun to have them around and to hang out with them in a really relaxed way.

And yet. You see, there was a bit of a meltdown. That's what started off this whole train of thought. One evening, I just completely lost it. I didn't see it coming at all, but all of a sudden there it was. i was in the main evening session, and a guy from my church walked past on his way to the cafe to get a drink, so I offered to hold his baby while he did. She's 7 months old and she's just so darned cute! We had a bit of a cuddle and a dance, then he came back with his drink and took her back. A few minutes later a dad and a toddler from another local church went past. In fact the toddler raced past with a look of determination on her face and the dad frantically ran after her to try to stop her from causing mayhem. She was wearing a yellow t-shirt with a giraffe on it. That's what did it, I think. The yellow giraffe t-shirt.

I basically sobbed for the whole of the rest of the evening. It wasn't pretty. There was a lot of snot. I don't even know why I was crying. Well, you know what I mean. I was crying because there are beautiful, gorgeous, adorable small people in the world and I won't ever have one of my own. But still, I don't know *why* I was crying, at that moment and in that place.

I talked to God a lot about it, that evening and in the days that followed. I wondered, to myself and to God, what it was all about. I wondered whether it would always be this painful, whether yellow giraffe t-shirts would always make me cry. Perhaps they will. Perhaps that's ok.

Later I bumped into some lovely friends, who saw past the snot, and prayed for me, and understood. That's another incredible blessing right there.

I'm so grateful to God, and to my friends, for the little people in my life, and for the joy they bring. I pray that I'll always enjoy being with them, even though it might sometimes be hard too. I pray that they'll always want to spend time with me. I pray that I'll never become bitter over the things I don't have. I pray that I'll always stay thankful for the things that I do have. I pray that I'll continue to try to become like a little child myself, as Jesus said I should (see Matt 18:1-3).

I pray for every little person today wearing a yellow giraffe t-shirt, for every grown up person given the awesome job of caring for them, and for everyone for whom tied up in that whole business there's pain, or grief, or sorrow.

I saw this video today. It's unbelievably precious, and a reminder of the total miracle of new life. Don't watch it if you don't want to cry a bit! (And I recommend you don't read the comments after it - people get crazy on the internet...). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fhe44oPdp1U