When I was 19 I went off on a gap year to Borneo for 7 months. Email was only just beginning to be a thing (gosh that makes me feel old!), and so I was just about able to email home once a week if the computer decided to behave. My parents didn't have a computer so would check it at their friends' house. I phoned home weekly (I expect their phone bill was horrifying). And that's basically all the 'keeping in touch' I did.
I'm currently on sabbatical and spending 10 weeks in the US. I spent 2 1/2 weeks being a tourist in New York, Virginia and Washington DC, and am spending the rest of the time in Lancaster California, visiting a church led by my good friends.
I was reflecting on the fact that communication has changed so much during that time. My gap year was 19 years ago (oh my gosh, I'm now twice as old as when I did my gap year. AAARGH!). Now, in order to keep in touch with people back home, I write blogs on my tablet which I instantly post online via WiFi. I post updates and photos on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. My family and friends at home know what I'm doing almost as I'm doing it. They're in touch with my news and I'm in touch with theirs. Plus I'm in touch with actual news - I know what's going on in the world all the time thanks to Twitter newsfeeds, news websites, and my newspaper subscription.
What has this communication revolution done for the way we interact with and treat one another, I wonder? I love social media - I'm an extrovert, and I really enjoy being in touch with people even when I'm on the other side of the world, and being able to share my news and hear theirs. But it's fundamentally changed how we communicate, and definitely not always in a good way.
I find myself being actually quite glad that all these communication media didn't exist 19 years ago. I don't think that spending 7 months working in a remote Borneo village would have felt like quite as much of an adventure if I'd been able to post photos every evening and see all that I was missing out on day by day from home. It made it feel more special to be away and pretty much out of contact for that time, and coming home with news, stories and pictures was exciting.
Having said that though I admit that I'm glad social media does exist now. It's really helped while being here to be able to keep in touch with people at home. In a new place, far away from home, settling in, finding my way around, making friends, having new experiences, it's been great to be able to share those and have people comment and interact.
A silly example of this was when I slipped and fell on a wet air vent on a Washington DC pavement. I was very English about it, leaping up to insist I was fine, but actually I'd really hurt myself! Posting about it on social media, and getting friends from home sending sympathy (and lots of teasing too!) really did make me feel better.
Also, as I'm travelling alone, posting photos and stories really helps to feel that I'm sharing the experience with someone else, which massively reduces any feelings of loneliness (so big thanks if you've commented on any of my posts - thanks for being my virtual travel companions!)
I don't know how much social media usage is correlated with personality but I know that for me as a single, living-alone, extrovert activist, connecting with the world on social media is a massive help in reducing loneliness and enabling me to extrovertly process my head! Of course I have to make sure it doesn't also take over my life and either become an idol, or stop me from actually enjoying the experiences in real time in the first place - but as long as I do that, for me at least, I think it's a great thing.
Having said all of that though, I've also been doing a lot of thinking lately about how we communicate with one another on social media. Really it's all still pretty new, and it has changed how we interact and communicate so fundamentally. Sometimes I scroll through my news feed and am moved to tears, heartened, encouraged, and blessed. Sometimes I am horrified, appalled, angered and ashamed. And sometimes of course I'm just laughing at cats scared of cucumbers (if you've never seen it, do yourself a favour and get on YouTube right now - you won't regret it).
I love it when social media introduces me to an idea that's new, when I discover a talk or book that I want to check out, when I see a quote that really speaks to me, when I'm challenged to think about something in a new way. I love it when people come together to campaign for change and something brilliant and heartwarming happens (the recent story of the dad trying to find a replacement sippy cup for his autistic son, and Tommee Tippee agreeing to make a lifetime's supply, was one of the most amazing examples of this that I've seen). I love it when twitter banter is at its daftest and funniest, spreading jokes and cartoons and silliness. I love it when people stand shoulder to shoulder with people in need, even if they don't know one another. I love it when people stand up to bullies and trolls and haters, when they refuse to let abuse go unchallenged.
But gosh, social media can also be an awful, horrible thing, can't it? It can be a place of abuse and nastiness and evil and ignorance and bullying. I honestly think that sometimes people forget that they're writing ONLINE - that potentially the whole entire world is watching and reading what they say. Surely that's the only explanation for some of what we see?
I hate it when social media is used to bully and oppress certain groups in society. I hate it when it's used to spread ignorance and fear and to stir up violence. I hate it when it's used as an anonymous shield to hide behind while threatening people for holding a certain viewpoint. I hate it when people just SHOUT out their own opinion again and again without actually listening to what the other person is saying (or thinking about how they might be feeling). I'm horrified when a lot of the time I see Christians treating each other online in these ways - if we can't be loving and gracious and generous to each other online then what hope do we have?
So is social media and the massive change in how we communicate and interact online a good thing or a bad thing? Well clearly it's impossible to answer that really - it's both, and much more besides. It's a massive blessing in so many ways, but we really must be careful and wise as we engage with it.
And a reminder of the good stuff, to end with:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-38141319
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Wednesday, 7 December 2016
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
The single issues(s)
(With apologies to Al Hsu for the corruption of his book title!). But actually I really recommend the book (alongside my own of course!) - The Single Issue, by Al Hsu, published by Monarch.
So, what are some of the issues which face single people? When I was writing the book I came up with a list of things. It's in no way a scientific or even a representative list - I just sat and pondered for a bit and came up with these 7 things. They may more accurately reflect me and my issues than they do anyone else's! But certainly whenever I've spoken on this topic there have been enough heads nodding to make to me think I'm not completely off in my own world on this.
One of the fun things about writing the book was that I asked lots of my single friends to fill in questionnaires, and many generously did so. Their stories appear throughout the book. They also gave some useful data and information.
So I thought I'd unpack below the 7 issues I identified, and why I think they are (or can be) issues for single people.
The one which came out top of the list, as being a significant issue for 54% of people, was 'lack of touch'. This is interesting because it wouldn't be the top of my list, and it's hardly ever what people guess as top of the list when I ask them. But it clearly is something which some people struggle with - perhaps particularly if 'physical touch' is one of their Love Languages (see http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ if you don't know what they are!).
I can see why this is an issue for so many single people. If you live alone, as many single people do (or even if you don't), then you may really miss having someone around to 'touch'. This isn't particularly even about sexual or romantic touch - but simply the lack of a hug, a touch on the shoulder, a pat on the arm - those normal human interactions which remind us that we're alive, and not alone in the world. Depending on how we spend our time, we might go several days without any touch from another person, and this can't be good for our wellbeing. Clearly some people value touch much more than others, but for all of us there are times when we just long for another person to show us they care, and they are there, in some physical way.
I think the church has a huge opportunity here to help when people are struggling with this. We can be in the ministry of hugs! (Go easy though - some people would run screaming from the building, never to return, if greeted in church with a barrage of hugs!). But let's be aware of one another's needs, and get touchy - in a good way!
Second on the list, and an issue for 44% of people, was holidays. This is an interesting one. It's perhaps the one that's hardest for married people to understand. And maybe, if you're part of a big family which holidays together, or you have a strong group of friends that always go away together, this won't be an issue for you as a single person either. But for lots of single people this is a biggie! I know it is for me.
I've had some great holidays with some great friends, but it's always a big source of stress. Holidays are massively important to me, I love to travel and I love to do exciting things on holiday. But planning and organising holidays by myself is hard. I have to decide whether to go alone, or with some sort of group, or with friends. If on my own, I have to bite the bullet and be very brave, If with a group I have to take a risk that it'll work out (btw I can recommend Imaginative Traveller - independent group holiday firm; I've had some great trips with them). If with friends I have to pluck up the courage to ask, we have to sync dates, decide on a destination we both want to go to, and hope we'll still be friends by the end!
There are places that I haven't been to, and holidays I haven't been on, because I don't want to do them on my own (although there are also places I have been on my own and had an amazing time!). [I'm deliberately setting out some of the negative issues here - I realise as someone without children I also have a huge amount of flexibility regarding holidays, which I'm very grateful for].
The third issue, which 39% of people identified with, is not having someone around to talk to and share with. [Again the caveat here - we're not wearing rose tinted glasses. We understand that there are issues in marriages too and there isn't always lovely harmonious conversation at the end of each day! But we're simply describing something we 'miss'].
This is a big one for me, being such an extrovert. I find it really hard to process things, make decisions, plan, reflect etc without having someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I think about something until I've talked about it! It's hard to get in after a long or difficult meeting and not be able to offload; or to have a talk to prepare and no one to go over it with; or a big decision to make and no one to weigh up the pros and cons with, or an amazing thing that's happened and no one to share it with. I have fabulous (patient, long suffering...) friends who allow me to download my brain for hours on the phone or in person, and that's great, but it's rarely 'in the moment', so I often have to store things up till I see them (or risk inappropriate sharing with the next random stranger I see...).
My need to share/talk/process is why I love social media so much (and, lately, blogging). It enables me to share something as it's happening and get feedback and comments. I know some people think it's inane to post about the mundane stuff of life but it really helps me to feel less isolated. So yay to all my Facebook friends and Twitter followers!
The fourth issue, which came in at 32% was loneliness. This is usually the one which people I'm speaking to guess will have been top! I don't know why it wasn't as almost all single people do identify it as an issue for them at least some of the time. I've blogged about it elsewhere so won't say much more - but just that I think this is another area where the church can massively help out. We really need to do better at the whole community thing - being there for people at significant life moments, helping out with household stuff, chilling out with people without any big agenda - basically just doing life together. In some places this is happening so beautifully. I really think it could be hugely significant to us reaching the 18-30s generation as it's a big issue for so many of them. So come on church - step up!
The fifth issue was sex (that is, not having it!) with 24%. I'm going to post more about this another time (you may or may not be pleased to know!!). Perhaps inevitably this is the issue that most people find it the hardest to talk about so it's hard to know exactly people's thoughts/difficulties. I wonder whether it's harder for those who have been in sexual relationships in the past and now are not? But maybe not? It's definitely a tricky one...! But we need to be better at speaking out about it, because being all coy on the matter doesn't help anyone! Look out for a future blog... (you have been warned!).
Sixth was childlessness (17%), and I think the reason this and the next came lower down the list is that they're not necessarily issues for everyone - clearly some single people do have children. (Clearly also, some don't, but don't want to). However, for those who don't have children but wish they did, this can be an incredibly painful thing. I blogged about my own perspective on this just after Mothering Sunday so I won't say much more...
And finally, seventh was living alone, with just 10% of people identifying this is a big issue (as I say, this may in part be because it didn't apply to everyone). I have to say I really quite like living alone, in spite of the issues it sometimes raises of loneliness, and not having someone to talk to. I like pleasing myself as to what I eat and when, what I watch on TV, when I go to bed and get up, how I decorate, etc. (Although I do sometimes wish there was someone else there to make a cup of tea or unload the dishwasher!). I also realise I have no one else to blame when the place is an absolute hovel, which is 90% of the time...
So there we are. A very random meander through some issues which are relevant to some single people. They appear in more detail in Chapter 1 'Wholly Single'. I'd love to know what you think...
And here's a recent 'holiday with a great friend' photo - definitely more fun to go cava-tasting with someone else...!
So, what are some of the issues which face single people? When I was writing the book I came up with a list of things. It's in no way a scientific or even a representative list - I just sat and pondered for a bit and came up with these 7 things. They may more accurately reflect me and my issues than they do anyone else's! But certainly whenever I've spoken on this topic there have been enough heads nodding to make to me think I'm not completely off in my own world on this.
One of the fun things about writing the book was that I asked lots of my single friends to fill in questionnaires, and many generously did so. Their stories appear throughout the book. They also gave some useful data and information.
So I thought I'd unpack below the 7 issues I identified, and why I think they are (or can be) issues for single people.
The one which came out top of the list, as being a significant issue for 54% of people, was 'lack of touch'. This is interesting because it wouldn't be the top of my list, and it's hardly ever what people guess as top of the list when I ask them. But it clearly is something which some people struggle with - perhaps particularly if 'physical touch' is one of their Love Languages (see http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ if you don't know what they are!).
I can see why this is an issue for so many single people. If you live alone, as many single people do (or even if you don't), then you may really miss having someone around to 'touch'. This isn't particularly even about sexual or romantic touch - but simply the lack of a hug, a touch on the shoulder, a pat on the arm - those normal human interactions which remind us that we're alive, and not alone in the world. Depending on how we spend our time, we might go several days without any touch from another person, and this can't be good for our wellbeing. Clearly some people value touch much more than others, but for all of us there are times when we just long for another person to show us they care, and they are there, in some physical way.
I think the church has a huge opportunity here to help when people are struggling with this. We can be in the ministry of hugs! (Go easy though - some people would run screaming from the building, never to return, if greeted in church with a barrage of hugs!). But let's be aware of one another's needs, and get touchy - in a good way!
Second on the list, and an issue for 44% of people, was holidays. This is an interesting one. It's perhaps the one that's hardest for married people to understand. And maybe, if you're part of a big family which holidays together, or you have a strong group of friends that always go away together, this won't be an issue for you as a single person either. But for lots of single people this is a biggie! I know it is for me.
I've had some great holidays with some great friends, but it's always a big source of stress. Holidays are massively important to me, I love to travel and I love to do exciting things on holiday. But planning and organising holidays by myself is hard. I have to decide whether to go alone, or with some sort of group, or with friends. If on my own, I have to bite the bullet and be very brave, If with a group I have to take a risk that it'll work out (btw I can recommend Imaginative Traveller - independent group holiday firm; I've had some great trips with them). If with friends I have to pluck up the courage to ask, we have to sync dates, decide on a destination we both want to go to, and hope we'll still be friends by the end!
There are places that I haven't been to, and holidays I haven't been on, because I don't want to do them on my own (although there are also places I have been on my own and had an amazing time!). [I'm deliberately setting out some of the negative issues here - I realise as someone without children I also have a huge amount of flexibility regarding holidays, which I'm very grateful for].
The third issue, which 39% of people identified with, is not having someone around to talk to and share with. [Again the caveat here - we're not wearing rose tinted glasses. We understand that there are issues in marriages too and there isn't always lovely harmonious conversation at the end of each day! But we're simply describing something we 'miss'].
This is a big one for me, being such an extrovert. I find it really hard to process things, make decisions, plan, reflect etc without having someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I think about something until I've talked about it! It's hard to get in after a long or difficult meeting and not be able to offload; or to have a talk to prepare and no one to go over it with; or a big decision to make and no one to weigh up the pros and cons with, or an amazing thing that's happened and no one to share it with. I have fabulous (patient, long suffering...) friends who allow me to download my brain for hours on the phone or in person, and that's great, but it's rarely 'in the moment', so I often have to store things up till I see them (or risk inappropriate sharing with the next random stranger I see...).
My need to share/talk/process is why I love social media so much (and, lately, blogging). It enables me to share something as it's happening and get feedback and comments. I know some people think it's inane to post about the mundane stuff of life but it really helps me to feel less isolated. So yay to all my Facebook friends and Twitter followers!
The fourth issue, which came in at 32% was loneliness. This is usually the one which people I'm speaking to guess will have been top! I don't know why it wasn't as almost all single people do identify it as an issue for them at least some of the time. I've blogged about it elsewhere so won't say much more - but just that I think this is another area where the church can massively help out. We really need to do better at the whole community thing - being there for people at significant life moments, helping out with household stuff, chilling out with people without any big agenda - basically just doing life together. In some places this is happening so beautifully. I really think it could be hugely significant to us reaching the 18-30s generation as it's a big issue for so many of them. So come on church - step up!
The fifth issue was sex (that is, not having it!) with 24%. I'm going to post more about this another time (you may or may not be pleased to know!!). Perhaps inevitably this is the issue that most people find it the hardest to talk about so it's hard to know exactly people's thoughts/difficulties. I wonder whether it's harder for those who have been in sexual relationships in the past and now are not? But maybe not? It's definitely a tricky one...! But we need to be better at speaking out about it, because being all coy on the matter doesn't help anyone! Look out for a future blog... (you have been warned!).
Sixth was childlessness (17%), and I think the reason this and the next came lower down the list is that they're not necessarily issues for everyone - clearly some single people do have children. (Clearly also, some don't, but don't want to). However, for those who don't have children but wish they did, this can be an incredibly painful thing. I blogged about my own perspective on this just after Mothering Sunday so I won't say much more...
And finally, seventh was living alone, with just 10% of people identifying this is a big issue (as I say, this may in part be because it didn't apply to everyone). I have to say I really quite like living alone, in spite of the issues it sometimes raises of loneliness, and not having someone to talk to. I like pleasing myself as to what I eat and when, what I watch on TV, when I go to bed and get up, how I decorate, etc. (Although I do sometimes wish there was someone else there to make a cup of tea or unload the dishwasher!). I also realise I have no one else to blame when the place is an absolute hovel, which is 90% of the time...
So there we are. A very random meander through some issues which are relevant to some single people. They appear in more detail in Chapter 1 'Wholly Single'. I'd love to know what you think...
And here's a recent 'holiday with a great friend' photo - definitely more fun to go cava-tasting with someone else...!
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Loneliness... or solitude... or loneliness?!
I've been thinking a lot about loneliness lately. It's such a tricky thing isn't it?! Even beginning to write about it I'm aware that lots of people will have lots of views which may not be the same as what I'm about to write! But perhaps you'll permit me to just share some of my thoughts and ideas? Feel free to then share what you think too, but let's be gentle with one another!
I want to ponder on loneliness primarily from the point of view of the single person who lives alone. I realise that rules out a lot of you who might be reading this, and I'm sorry. But that's the category in which I find myself and so it's the thing I know most about.
As you read some of the following ponderings you might think they apply to you too. I realise it's possible for married people to feel lonely, and I'm sure all clergy people sometimes feel lonely.
But... with all those caveats, and appropriate disclaimers, here are some of the jumbled thoughts from where my brain is right now...
It's hard when you've had a really tough day to come home and have no one to share it with. That's a pretty obvious statement, and I don't claim to have come up with a new and revolutionary insight there, but hey, I say it like it is! I guess it's harder if you're an extreme extrovert, like me - I don't know what I think about something till I've talked about it and I can't process something till I've verbally downloaded it! So Sunday evenings can be tough, or getting in after evening meetings, with so much racing around my head. Sometimes I want someone to cry with, about the horrid thing someone said, or the stuff I tried that went wrong, or the sad situation I heard about. Sometimes I want someone to laugh with, about the hilarious and slightly inappropriate thing that happened which no one else noticed but I couldn't point out cos it was a bit naughty, or the cute thing one of the kids did, or the crazy bonkers mad thing that happened. Sometimes I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me I did ok. And yeah, I know, I can talk to Jesus, and that's great, and I really totally don't want it to sound like I'm dismissing that because I know what a joy and privilege that is and I love the freedom I have to do that whenever I want because I don't have other ties and commitments at home and when it's a joy it's a beautiful awesome incredible joy. But. Sometimes I just want there to be a human being there in front of me to talk to. And there isn't. And sometimes that sucks. And that is just how it is. And do you know what, that's OK, and Jesus understands that too.
I heard a lovely thing this week from a clergy colleague who's married. He told me that since reading my book he's realised afresh the challenges single clergy face, and he's offered to a friend to meet for a drink after PCCs or other late meetings, to download and debrief. How fantastic is that?! I love that my book has made him offer that. I love that his colleague now has someone to offload to.
Days off are tricky too. Sometimes I want to spend my day off all by myself, just vegging out and pottering and pleasing myself and having a lie in and watching telly in my pyjamas. But mostly I don't. Mostly I want to go somewhere and see someone and do something. But often I'm tired and I don't get round to planning it, or I'm worried that everyone else will already have plans, or I don't have the energy to travel miles to see friends. (Don't even get me started on holidays. I haven't the energy. That's a whole different post...)
At my best, times of 'aloneness' can become times of 'solitude' rather than 'loneliness'. They can become times which I share with Jesus, and which become intimate times of blessing and joy. But that takes energy and effort, and it's a choice that has to be made. It's a really important choice, and one which I often manage to make, and am always glad when I have. But just, sadly, not quite always...
One thing which I totally love in the battle against loneliness is social media! I love Facebook and I love Twitter, and I'm new to this blogging lark, but I'm growing to love it too! Some people mutter and moan about it and say we should just be present with the people we're with and that people share too much etc etc - but for me it's sometimes the difference between sanity and complete mental meltdown! I love that I can post a brief sentence about something that's just happened and get an instant response - whether it's something funny or sad or crazy or cute, I can get lots of immediate and sympathetic replies and it's fab! I don't feel so lonely, and I'm connected with the world!
The other thing that helps a huge amount is fabulous friends, the ones who really get it. The ones who don't mind when I text at crazy o'clock cos I just want to talk to someone. The ones who notice when I'm not OK (someone texted tonight who made such a difference to how I felt - thank you!!!). The ones who remember something big that's happened for me and ask about it. The ones who let me externally process at nineteen to the dozen before I eventually remember politeness decrees I ought to ask how they're doing too! The ones who make fun day off plans with me. The ones who meet for a quick coffee so that a day which otherwise would have been spent alone involves some human contact! And the ones who have adorable small people who are available for hugs and comedy to cheer me up!
Loneliness can be a horrid, sad, painful thing. We all feel loneliness at some time in our lives. It feels a bit like this post has been more like a diary entry than a blog!! I'm OK, I'm just pondering... But hopefully if you're currently feeling lonely it'll reassure you that you're not alone. And if you're not, it will encourage you to reach out to someone who might be.
And as church, let's try, shall we, please, to commit ourselves to trying to eradicate loneliness - to making sure each and every person feels welcomed and loved and valued and included, and always has someone to talk to, someone to laugh, cry and pray with, and somewhere to go when they need to not be alone. Everything would just be so much better if we tried that.
I want to ponder on loneliness primarily from the point of view of the single person who lives alone. I realise that rules out a lot of you who might be reading this, and I'm sorry. But that's the category in which I find myself and so it's the thing I know most about.
As you read some of the following ponderings you might think they apply to you too. I realise it's possible for married people to feel lonely, and I'm sure all clergy people sometimes feel lonely.
But... with all those caveats, and appropriate disclaimers, here are some of the jumbled thoughts from where my brain is right now...
It's hard when you've had a really tough day to come home and have no one to share it with. That's a pretty obvious statement, and I don't claim to have come up with a new and revolutionary insight there, but hey, I say it like it is! I guess it's harder if you're an extreme extrovert, like me - I don't know what I think about something till I've talked about it and I can't process something till I've verbally downloaded it! So Sunday evenings can be tough, or getting in after evening meetings, with so much racing around my head. Sometimes I want someone to cry with, about the horrid thing someone said, or the stuff I tried that went wrong, or the sad situation I heard about. Sometimes I want someone to laugh with, about the hilarious and slightly inappropriate thing that happened which no one else noticed but I couldn't point out cos it was a bit naughty, or the cute thing one of the kids did, or the crazy bonkers mad thing that happened. Sometimes I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me I did ok. And yeah, I know, I can talk to Jesus, and that's great, and I really totally don't want it to sound like I'm dismissing that because I know what a joy and privilege that is and I love the freedom I have to do that whenever I want because I don't have other ties and commitments at home and when it's a joy it's a beautiful awesome incredible joy. But. Sometimes I just want there to be a human being there in front of me to talk to. And there isn't. And sometimes that sucks. And that is just how it is. And do you know what, that's OK, and Jesus understands that too.
I heard a lovely thing this week from a clergy colleague who's married. He told me that since reading my book he's realised afresh the challenges single clergy face, and he's offered to a friend to meet for a drink after PCCs or other late meetings, to download and debrief. How fantastic is that?! I love that my book has made him offer that. I love that his colleague now has someone to offload to.
Days off are tricky too. Sometimes I want to spend my day off all by myself, just vegging out and pottering and pleasing myself and having a lie in and watching telly in my pyjamas. But mostly I don't. Mostly I want to go somewhere and see someone and do something. But often I'm tired and I don't get round to planning it, or I'm worried that everyone else will already have plans, or I don't have the energy to travel miles to see friends. (Don't even get me started on holidays. I haven't the energy. That's a whole different post...)
At my best, times of 'aloneness' can become times of 'solitude' rather than 'loneliness'. They can become times which I share with Jesus, and which become intimate times of blessing and joy. But that takes energy and effort, and it's a choice that has to be made. It's a really important choice, and one which I often manage to make, and am always glad when I have. But just, sadly, not quite always...
One thing which I totally love in the battle against loneliness is social media! I love Facebook and I love Twitter, and I'm new to this blogging lark, but I'm growing to love it too! Some people mutter and moan about it and say we should just be present with the people we're with and that people share too much etc etc - but for me it's sometimes the difference between sanity and complete mental meltdown! I love that I can post a brief sentence about something that's just happened and get an instant response - whether it's something funny or sad or crazy or cute, I can get lots of immediate and sympathetic replies and it's fab! I don't feel so lonely, and I'm connected with the world!
The other thing that helps a huge amount is fabulous friends, the ones who really get it. The ones who don't mind when I text at crazy o'clock cos I just want to talk to someone. The ones who notice when I'm not OK (someone texted tonight who made such a difference to how I felt - thank you!!!). The ones who remember something big that's happened for me and ask about it. The ones who let me externally process at nineteen to the dozen before I eventually remember politeness decrees I ought to ask how they're doing too! The ones who make fun day off plans with me. The ones who meet for a quick coffee so that a day which otherwise would have been spent alone involves some human contact! And the ones who have adorable small people who are available for hugs and comedy to cheer me up!
Loneliness can be a horrid, sad, painful thing. We all feel loneliness at some time in our lives. It feels a bit like this post has been more like a diary entry than a blog!! I'm OK, I'm just pondering... But hopefully if you're currently feeling lonely it'll reassure you that you're not alone. And if you're not, it will encourage you to reach out to someone who might be.
And as church, let's try, shall we, please, to commit ourselves to trying to eradicate loneliness - to making sure each and every person feels welcomed and loved and valued and included, and always has someone to talk to, someone to laugh, cry and pray with, and somewhere to go when they need to not be alone. Everything would just be so much better if we tried that.
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
Chapter 7 - Happily Ever After
Well we've reached the end of the book! Chapter 7 is called Happily Ever After - isn't that what's supposed to happen in fairytales? But can it happen in real life?
In this chapter I think about what our 'ever after' life with God might look like if we're single. Is God 'enough'? Is he 'all that we need'? There are lots of worship songs which seem to contain that sort of sentiment - that God is all that we need. I don't want to sing or say something that I haven't thought about, or am not sure if I really mean, so I've spent some time pondering this. I know that at one level, of course God is all I need - he is everything to me. And yet at the same time, there are those moments of loneliness, those times when you just want someone else to be there, to share in an experience with you, to offer a word of comfort, to give you a hug. In those moments, is God still all that I need? And what will that actually, really, practically look like?
In this chapter I list some of the things which are fantastic about being single, and some of the things which are difficult. The lists are based on conversations with a number of single friends.
I've ended the chapter, and the book, by sharing some of my story. I didn't intend to do this! When I began writing the book, I didn't think that I would end up being as open as I have been. As I went along, though, it just felt right. There has been so much happening in my life in this area over the past few years, and it felt right to share that. I really hope it's helpful. There's a balance between being open and honest, and over sharing! I know that sometimes I've read books where I've wanted to know a bit more of the author's own story, and struggles, and journey. Equally though there have been times where what they've shared hasn't been helpful, because it's left me feeling inadequate, or disappointed in some way.
I believe that God has spoken to me quite specifically about singleness over the past few years, and my journey is one that's unique. Your journey is unique too. I haven't shared my story because I think that others should do the same, but rather because I want to encourage everyone to know that God is interested in their story, that he does speak, and will speak, and that wherever the journey takes you, he will be there beside you.
One word that already a lot of people have used after reading the book is 'honesty'. In fact they've used it so much that I've begun to wonder whether I'm in danger of giving you all TMI!! But I hope not, and I believe not. I don't think there would have been much point in writing this book and not being honest. In fact I think that there should be a heck of a lot more honesty in our churches - about how we're really feeling, and what we're really thinking and what's really going on for us.
That's all I'm going to tell you about Chapter 7 for now. You'll have to read the book to find out more. And there's to be no cheating and reading the last page first ;-)
In this chapter I think about what our 'ever after' life with God might look like if we're single. Is God 'enough'? Is he 'all that we need'? There are lots of worship songs which seem to contain that sort of sentiment - that God is all that we need. I don't want to sing or say something that I haven't thought about, or am not sure if I really mean, so I've spent some time pondering this. I know that at one level, of course God is all I need - he is everything to me. And yet at the same time, there are those moments of loneliness, those times when you just want someone else to be there, to share in an experience with you, to offer a word of comfort, to give you a hug. In those moments, is God still all that I need? And what will that actually, really, practically look like?
In this chapter I list some of the things which are fantastic about being single, and some of the things which are difficult. The lists are based on conversations with a number of single friends.
I've ended the chapter, and the book, by sharing some of my story. I didn't intend to do this! When I began writing the book, I didn't think that I would end up being as open as I have been. As I went along, though, it just felt right. There has been so much happening in my life in this area over the past few years, and it felt right to share that. I really hope it's helpful. There's a balance between being open and honest, and over sharing! I know that sometimes I've read books where I've wanted to know a bit more of the author's own story, and struggles, and journey. Equally though there have been times where what they've shared hasn't been helpful, because it's left me feeling inadequate, or disappointed in some way.
I believe that God has spoken to me quite specifically about singleness over the past few years, and my journey is one that's unique. Your journey is unique too. I haven't shared my story because I think that others should do the same, but rather because I want to encourage everyone to know that God is interested in their story, that he does speak, and will speak, and that wherever the journey takes you, he will be there beside you.
One word that already a lot of people have used after reading the book is 'honesty'. In fact they've used it so much that I've begun to wonder whether I'm in danger of giving you all TMI!! But I hope not, and I believe not. I don't think there would have been much point in writing this book and not being honest. In fact I think that there should be a heck of a lot more honesty in our churches - about how we're really feeling, and what we're really thinking and what's really going on for us.
That's all I'm going to tell you about Chapter 7 for now. You'll have to read the book to find out more. And there's to be no cheating and reading the last page first ;-)
Monday, 20 May 2013
Chapter 2 - Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage obsessed church
So, hot on the heels of last Thursday's blog about Chapter 1, I bring you... Chapter 2! When I was first asked to speak on the subject of singleness, I said no - I'd never heard a good or helpful talk on singleness (well, I'd hardly heard any, really!), and I wasn't too sure what there was to say about it! I was asked again, and I still wasn't convinced - and then one morning I work up with two titles in my head - "Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage-obsessed church" and "Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world." I thought they were really rather good! Since they clearly hadn't come from my brain, I felt that they must be from God, and so I replied to my friend saying that I would do the singleness talk - and not just one, but two!
The response is interesting when I mention these titles to people. Single people often nod enthusiastically as they agree that yes, the church can often feel like a place which is obsessed by, and revolves around, marriage. Married people either look outraged as if to say "how very dare you?" or they raise their eyebrows and smile nervously as if to indicate that they're sorry, and they didn't mean it to be this way, but actually, probably, that is a fair point.
Don't get me wrong. I think marriage is fabulous. It's vitally important and I'm all in favour of it. I've blogged before about weddings. My point is not that marriage is bad, but that we must be careful that we don't venerate it to the point where we make single people feel like second class citizens. Being married isn't "better" than being single (even though I have had people tell me that it is!). It is simply different.
In this chapter of the book I give an outline of what the church says about marriage - its history, and why it sees it as important. Then I go on to talk about some real experiences which real single people have had in real churches. And some of them are really not good!
I talk about the issue of single people being seen as having more time than married people, and so being asked to do all sorts of jobs, as if they have nothing to do outside of church. Now in some ways of course perhaps single people (those without children at least) do have more flexibility with their time. However, there are plenty of other things that they have to do with that time - not least the shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc...!
Next there's the issue of loneliness - a massive area, and one which lots of single people (at least those who live alone) identify as being a real problem for them. It's worthy of a post all of its own, so at some point in the future maybe I'll write some more about it. But for now I'll say that there's so much churches can do in order to 'be family' for single people, and to help out those who are feeling lonely. And as single people (without children), we have a massive opportunity to turn our loneliness into solitude and to seek times of peace and quiet with the Lord (something which our friends with small children can only dream of!).
I then discuss the issue of whether married people really understand singleness and what it feels like. Again, this is a big area and it's discussed in more detail in Chapter 6. Maybe sometimes the issue is that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people, and sometimes the issue is that single people *think* that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people! It is possible for us as single people to get a chip on our shoulders about this...! Having said that, though, there are times when married people say some genuinely, astonishingly crass and insensitive things to single people! In the book I have given a few examples. If any of my married friends or colleagues read the book and recognise themselves and their comments, I apologise! I love you, and I don't mean to offend you or make you feel bad. But really, some of these comments need naming and shaming!
The next issue I cover is the issue for single people of where they 'fit in' to the church - sometimes they feel they're not quite treated as grown ups, and if they don't have children they may feel excluded from family events - or even if they do, sometimes as single parents they feel left out.
My argument through the whole of this chapter is that the church should be better at this stuff than it is! I don't say that to put the blame 'out there' - any of us who would consider ourselves part of the church have to accept some of the responsibility for this! But surely, as church, we should the place people - ALL people - feel most loved, most welcomed, most accepted, most included, most valued, most at home. I really think that's what Jesus meant the church to be like!
The response is interesting when I mention these titles to people. Single people often nod enthusiastically as they agree that yes, the church can often feel like a place which is obsessed by, and revolves around, marriage. Married people either look outraged as if to say "how very dare you?" or they raise their eyebrows and smile nervously as if to indicate that they're sorry, and they didn't mean it to be this way, but actually, probably, that is a fair point.
Don't get me wrong. I think marriage is fabulous. It's vitally important and I'm all in favour of it. I've blogged before about weddings. My point is not that marriage is bad, but that we must be careful that we don't venerate it to the point where we make single people feel like second class citizens. Being married isn't "better" than being single (even though I have had people tell me that it is!). It is simply different.
In this chapter of the book I give an outline of what the church says about marriage - its history, and why it sees it as important. Then I go on to talk about some real experiences which real single people have had in real churches. And some of them are really not good!
I talk about the issue of single people being seen as having more time than married people, and so being asked to do all sorts of jobs, as if they have nothing to do outside of church. Now in some ways of course perhaps single people (those without children at least) do have more flexibility with their time. However, there are plenty of other things that they have to do with that time - not least the shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc...!
Next there's the issue of loneliness - a massive area, and one which lots of single people (at least those who live alone) identify as being a real problem for them. It's worthy of a post all of its own, so at some point in the future maybe I'll write some more about it. But for now I'll say that there's so much churches can do in order to 'be family' for single people, and to help out those who are feeling lonely. And as single people (without children), we have a massive opportunity to turn our loneliness into solitude and to seek times of peace and quiet with the Lord (something which our friends with small children can only dream of!).
I then discuss the issue of whether married people really understand singleness and what it feels like. Again, this is a big area and it's discussed in more detail in Chapter 6. Maybe sometimes the issue is that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people, and sometimes the issue is that single people *think* that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people! It is possible for us as single people to get a chip on our shoulders about this...! Having said that, though, there are times when married people say some genuinely, astonishingly crass and insensitive things to single people! In the book I have given a few examples. If any of my married friends or colleagues read the book and recognise themselves and their comments, I apologise! I love you, and I don't mean to offend you or make you feel bad. But really, some of these comments need naming and shaming!
The next issue I cover is the issue for single people of where they 'fit in' to the church - sometimes they feel they're not quite treated as grown ups, and if they don't have children they may feel excluded from family events - or even if they do, sometimes as single parents they feel left out.
My argument through the whole of this chapter is that the church should be better at this stuff than it is! I don't say that to put the blame 'out there' - any of us who would consider ourselves part of the church have to accept some of the responsibility for this! But surely, as church, we should the place people - ALL people - feel most loved, most welcomed, most accepted, most included, most valued, most at home. I really think that's what Jesus meant the church to be like!
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