Single/married friendships - when they work well...

Recently I blogged some of my 'Things single people wish married people wouldn't say' - there were lots of comments! I think some of the feedback provided me with at least another 10 (maybe for the next book...!). In 'Single Minded' I also included a few other lists, and I thought I'd also share those here. The first is a compilation of the things single people said in my questionnaire, about the ways in which their married friends are fabulous - some of the things which have really worked well in those relationships.

So here's the list, with a huge shout of thanks to all you wonderful married people who are lovely friends -

• When they invite me to be part of their family, including me in everyday events as well as special occasions, making me feel welcome in their homes, allowing me access to their children's lives.
• When they offer me practical help with things that are difficult to do by myself, e.g. house, garden, and car maintenance.
• When they treat me as an equal friend, rather than as someone in a lesser state than them to be pitied and looked after.
• When they look out for me to make sure that I'm safe and can get home late at night.
•  When they don't treat my singleness as an unmentionable issue, but ask me how I feel about it and if I'm ok with it (but at the same time don't make it the only thing we ever talk about!).
• When they invite me round on my own, rather than feeling that they also need someone else there to make up the numbers so we're all couples.
• When they make me feel welcome and at ease in their home and not like I'm in the way or intruding.
• When they make sure I'm not alone at significant times like birthdays, Christmas, Easter and New Year's Eve.
• When they're willing to listen and act as a sounding board when I've got big decisions to make.
• When they invite me to eat with them, both on special occasions and also on ordinary days.
• When I'm able to sometimes spend time with just one of them on their own rather than always being part of a three.
• When they're open and honest and talk about their marriage in a balanced way.
• When they avoid being overly physically intimate when I'm there so that I don't feel awkward.
• When they pray for me and with me, and ask what I'd like them to pray for rather than assuming they know.
• When they invite me to go on holidays with them.
• When they give me hugs (and allow their children to do the same!).

I love these! What a great picture of community, of family in the best sense of the word. What great exampled of flourishing, life-giving relationships where everyone involved benefits.

I am SO grateful to have great friendships with some amazingly wonderful married friends who just 'get it' (and if they don't, say so, and say sorry, when necessary!). Some are my age, some are older; some have kids, some don't. In every case I think (I hope!) every party involved benefits from the friendship.

I hope if you're single you can identify some of these statements above in your friendships with married people (and maybe add some more to the list?). I hope if you're married you've done some of the stuff above - if not, why not pick one and go for it?!

Next time we might go for the negative list, but I thought we'd start on the plus side...!

And by way of evidence, here's a photo of one of my most favourite groups of people in the whole wide world, spoiling me on my birthday last year :-)

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10 things single people wish married people wouldn't say... (Part 2)

I hope you caught Part 1 of this post on Sunday. It generated a huge amount of interest! So, hot on the heels of the first 5 things, come number 6-10. Please remember again to take them in the spirit in which they're intended...! Let me know if any really resonate with you - or what numbers 11-20 should be, for the next list!

6. Do you think maybe you’re being too picky?

Ah yes, that’ll be it. When I looked out at that queue of 17 men beating each other off with sticks to get to me first, and then rejected each of them in turn, it was my pickiness that was the problem.

7. Have you thought about speed dating/internet dating/blind dating?

Dating? You mean I could be looking for men to date? Wow – I had no idea, thank goodness you told me. It’s not like I’ve been wrestling for months over whether or not this is a road to go down, and how and why and when and where it might all happen, and what I’ll do if it doesn’t work out. I’ll get onto that straight away.

8. You’re so lucky to be footloose and fancy free.

Yes, you’re right, I am. I’m really lucky to have freedom in where I go and what I do and how I spend my time and my money. It’s great to be able to be independent and to make my own decisions. But you’re really lucky to have someone to hug when you get home at night and someone to share the household chores with and someone to talk through your day with and someone to go to parties with. And if in the context of our friendship we can talk about the things that are great for me and the things that are great for you, and share them together, along with the things that are hard for us both, then that’s brilliant. But if you throw the above sentence at me when I’m feeling lonely and alone then I will find it hard to be gracious.

9. My husband/wife/children are driving me mad. It’s so hard being married/having children – if I were you I wouldn’t bother.

So would you like to swap places? No, I thought not. Please don’t insult me and your family with this one. You’re allowed to have a bad day, week or month, we all are, and if there’s one thing I don’t envy parents it’s sleepless nights. But please, don’t say things you don’t mean.

10. I think God has given me a word for you – you’ll be married by the age of X/be pregnant by next Christmas/have 6 children...

I really hardly know what to say about this one. I wholeheartedly believe in prayer and prophecy and I love to give and be given words from God – it’s a joy and a privilege. But please, please, please – DON’T give people words about marriage and children, no matter how positively sure you are that God has spoken. If need be, write the word down and seal it in an envelope and hide it away and if it comes true, take it out and give it to the person and it will be a wonderful confirmation from God. But refrain from saying it to them. I guarantee that it will not be helpful. Ever.

So there you have it - my Top 10! Said in love, and with good grace and humour, but with seriousness to. Wouldn't it be great if we could all make a bit more effort with what we say, and how we say it, so that we communicate love and acceptance and understanding rather than judgement and criticism...? I promise I'll try...