The book is launched!

So sorry to have gone quiet on here for almost 4 weeks! My excuse is that June was pretty much the busiest month of my life! But having now landed and being more or less back on track with life, I thought it was definitely time for another post.

On the 20th June 'Single Minded' was officially launched, in the fabulous surrounding of Liverpool's Anglican Cathedral. It was such a completely fabulous evening! A massive thank you to everyone from the Cathedral for letting me use such a great venue and for helping with the organisation; to everyone at Monarch for all their support; and to everyone who came along on the night. If you were there, I hope you had a great time too.

It was a very surreal evening in lots of ways. For most of the week leading up to it, and especially on the afternoon (probably to the great annoyance of everyone who was with me) I was absolutely terrified that no one was going to come. It just seemed incredible to me that people would come out just for me and my little book! (To be fair, they probably actually came out for the free wine, but never mind).

I'd never before been to a book launch so had very little idea of what was supposed to happen - fortunately, nice people told me what to do when! Basically it seems to involve a few speeches, quite a lot of wine, and then lots of chatting and mingling (for all the guests) and signing your name so many times that your wrist goes numb (for me).

As I said on the night, the Cathedral has really special memories for me, having been ordained deacon there in 2005 and priest in 2006. It's an awesome building, in the true sense of that word, and it fitted the occasion perfectly. It was a privilege to have the Dean, Pete there, as well as Jenny from Monarch, both of whom said nice things about the book, and of course it was lovely to also have chance myself to talk about why I wrote the book, what my hopes for it are, and to thank everyone for their support. So many great people came along, from so many different parts of my life, and some travelled quite a long way, which was lovely.

I spent a lot of the evening having that weird, slightly out-of-body sort of feeling, when you can't quite believe that you are where you are, doing what you're doing. How was this possible? How had I actually written a book?

I'm thrilled with the end-product of the book - I like the cover, the font, the layout. I hope people enjoy reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. But ultimately I hope that everyone who reads it finds God within, and that whoever they are, and whatever their reason for reading it, they hear him speak as they do so.

So, this is a rambling, musing sort of a post, and really it's just to say - yay! the book is here, and thanks! to everyone who's been part of getting to this point. If you've read the book, do let me know what you thought - feel free to comment on here, or to email me, or to post a comment on amazon. If you haven't yet read the book you can get it in all the usual places, or directly from me if you prefer - let me know if so.

Chapter 7 - Happily Ever After

Well we've reached the end of the book! Chapter 7 is called Happily Ever After - isn't that what's supposed to happen in fairytales? But can it happen in real life?

In this chapter I think about what our 'ever after' life with God might look like if we're single. Is God 'enough'? Is he 'all that we need'? There are lots of worship songs which seem to contain that sort of sentiment - that God is all that we need. I don't want to sing or say something that I haven't thought about, or am not sure if I really mean, so I've spent some time pondering this. I know that at one level, of course God is all I need - he is everything to me. And yet at the same time, there are those moments of loneliness, those times when you just want someone else to be there, to share in an experience with you, to offer a word of comfort, to give you a hug. In those moments, is God still all that I need? And what will that actually, really, practically look like?

In this chapter I list some of the things which are fantastic about being single, and some of the things which are difficult. The lists are based on conversations with a number of single friends.

I've ended the chapter, and the book, by sharing some of my story. I didn't intend to do this! When I began writing the book, I didn't think that I would end up being as open as I have been. As I went along, though, it just felt right. There has been so much happening in my life in this area over the past few years, and it felt right to share that. I really hope it's helpful. There's a balance between being open and honest, and over sharing! I know that sometimes I've read books where I've wanted to know a bit more of the author's own story, and struggles, and journey. Equally though there have been times where what they've shared hasn't been helpful, because it's left me feeling inadequate, or disappointed in some way.

I believe that God has spoken to me quite specifically about singleness over the past few years, and my journey is one that's unique. Your journey is unique too. I haven't shared my story because I think that others should do the same, but rather because I want to encourage everyone to know that God is interested in their story, that he does speak, and will speak, and that wherever the journey takes you, he will be there beside you.

One word that already a lot of people have used after reading the book is 'honesty'. In fact they've used it so much that I've begun to wonder whether I'm in danger of giving you all TMI!! But I hope not, and I believe not. I don't think there would have been much point in writing this book and not being honest. In fact I think that there should be a heck of a lot more honesty in our churches - about how we're really feeling, and what we're really thinking and what's really going on for us.

That's all I'm going to tell you about Chapter 7 for now. You'll have to read the book to find out more. And there's to be no cheating and reading the last page first ;-)

Chapter 6 - Living Together

This chapter isn't about what you might think it's about on reading that title! It's about how married people and single people can 'live together' in terms of understanding, supporting, loving and caring for one another. So often single people can feel hurt by things which married people say and do - obviously they don't mean to be hurtful, but sadly that's how it can feel. It's not only one way though - I'm sure single people also sometimes do and say things which aren't helpful to our married friends. If we're going to really be 'family', if we're going to truly love and support one another, if we want to understand one another better, then we need to talk about this stuff. If we're able to have open and honest conversations, and if we genuinely want to do relationships better, then it can only help. Otherwise we'll run the risk of one of two extremes - either when we're hurt we'll never say anything, but simply store up the pain until it becomes a big lump of bitterness; or when we're hurt we'll immediately complain and lash out, causing even more pain and upset. Neither of those sound like great options, do they?! So let's start some honest conversations...

In this chapter I've listed 10 things which single people wish married people wouldn't say to them. Every one of these things has been said to me at some point by a married person. Some have been said several times. From chatting to other single friends I think I've captured a decent top 10 here. The list is meant to be funny (rather than bitterly angry!!), but it's also meant to make a serious point. Here's the list (each one is expanded on in the book) -
1. You're so lovely, why are you still single?
2. Don't worry, you're still so young.
3. Do you have a family?
4. If you get your relationship with God sorted out, then he'll send you a spouse.
5. I was still single till the age of X, so I know exactly how you feel.
6. Do you think maybe you're being too picky?
7. Have you thought about speed dating/internet dating/blind dating?
8. You're so lucky to be footloose and fancy free.
9. My husband/wife/children are driving me mad. It's so hard being married/having children - if I were you I wouldn't bother.
10. I think God has given me a word for you - you'll be married by the age of X/be pregnant by next Christmas/have 6 children.

I also list a whole load of things which single people have told me they love about their married friends, and ways in which they've had relationships with married people and families work really well, as well as a list of ways in which things haven't worked so well. Then there's a chance for the married people to get their own back, as they've listed some things which they'd like to say to single people.

I really hope this chapter will help single and married people to understand one another better and to develop great relationships which will bless everyone involved. I know how blessed I am by the relationships I have with some great married couples and families who open their homes and lives to me. As church, I really think we ought to be good at this stuff, and showing the world around us how to do loving relationships well.

Chapter 5 - Single Again

Chapter 5 of my book is the one about which I know the least! I wanted the book to be relevant to everyone, whatever their stage or circumstances in life. Obviously my story is just that, it's mine, and I wanted people whose stories and journeys have been very different to still fine something for them in the book. Chapter 5 is therefore entitled 'Single Again', and it looks at what it's like to find yourself single for a second time in life, because you have been widowed or divorced. Because that hasn't been my experience, I relied a lot on the input and stories of others for this chapter, and I'm so grateful to everyone who contributed.

Lots of the people I spoke to said that they had found church a really hard place to be after they became single again. There's clearly a difference in circumstances from when people are separated or divorced and when they're widowed, but both can be hard in different ways. When people have got divorced, many said that sadly they found their friends in church were judgmental and critical. Often they felt that it became much harder to sustain friendships within the church, and that people stopped inviting them round socially. There was often a feeling that they had 'failed' in some way if their marriage had ended, and there may also have been a sense of being judged by those who felt that divorce was wrong for Christians. When people have been widowed, generally there was more of a sense of care and concern from their friends in church; however there was still also that experience of people not knowing quite what to do or say, and not knowing how to treat them any longer.

Alongside the 'snapshots' which are in every chapter, telling a little bit of people's stories and experiences of singleness, in this chapter there are 3 extended interviews with people who have found themselves 'single again', plus a poem written by a woman after her divorce. They are all remarkably real and honest about how it was for them, and about the ways in which the church and other Christians did and didn't help.

I really hope that this chapter is helpful to those who find themselves 'single again' at whatever point in their lives and for whatever reason. The chapter ends with a quote from a friend who filled in one of the questionnaires, and it pretty much says it all - "Jesus is still trustworthy, even when we have baggage!"

 

Chapter 4 - Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world

So, Chapter 4 - the one about sex! This is the 2nd of the 'God-obsessed life...' titles that I woke up thinking about one morning, which first persuaded me to agree to speak in this subject. I've mentioned the 'marriage-obsessed church' already. So is our world sex-obsessed?

Just think for a moment about the adverts you've seen recently - on TV, in newspapers & magazines, on billboards. How many of them were using sex, explicitly or implicitly, to sell a product which had nothing at all to do with sex - anything from shampoo to fizzy drinks, chocolate to cars. We've become so used to this that we barely even notice it any more - but is it right? Do we want our children and young people to be exposed to this sort of advertising on a daily basis? And it's not just the adverts - there are the sexually explicit magazine covers which are still clearly visible to children, and the nonsense of being able to see naked women in daily newspapers on sale for a few pence. (on which issue, you might want to go here - http://nomorepage3.org/)

And what about TV and cinema? Almost all of the shows and films we watch have sexual ethics which are very far indeed from the way that I would want my Godchildren, and the people in my church, and my friends to live and to act. Relationships are made and used and thrown away the moment anything goes wrong. People cheat and lie and get found out and lie some more. There are numerous casual sexual encounters. Anyone who isn't living this way becomes an object of fun - from gentle teasing to downright ridicule and scorn.

If you ever find yourself overhearing a conversation between a group of young people, you may well be shocked by what you hear. Of course there's an element of bragging to mates, there always has been - but nevertheless I find it pretty scary sometimes when I hear some of the things quite young kids seem to know about and be talking about today.

And even when we forget about the advertising and the media, even when we discount playground boasting - is the rest of society any different? It's almost like it's seen as weird to live a life which isn't dominated by sex - by having it, by thinking about it, by talking about it.

I'm a 35 year old virgin - something that's seen as so impossible to believe or imagine that it's almost the title of a comedy film. Am I unfulfilled, unhappy and desperate? No.

Don't get me wrong, my mind isn't pure and white and innocent all of the time - very far from it! But I do want to make sure that I don't get sucked into a way of thinking and speaking and acting which is very far from the 'pure life' that I want to live (which I talked about last time).

In this chapter I look at what the Bible has to say about sex - after all, sex is something which God created, and which is a very good thing! And yet there are guidelines there, for the good of us all. In the right context sex is wonderful and beautiful and good, but in the wrong context it can be harmful and damaging and destructive.

So I try in this chapter to think about what God has to say about all this, and how he might want us to live - in ways which are pure and (to use a somewhat old fashioned but very relevant word) chaste.

In the past when I've given talks on this subject, I've had people thank me afterwards for being honest, and for using "real words" (some 16 year old girls once said that!). I hope that's what I've done in this chapter too. This topic is too important to ignore or gloss over just because we're a bit embarrassed about it.

I hope that this chapter will give us a framework for how we should live as single Christians, in the light of what the Bible says, and of what we know about God. It won't always be easy, but that doesn't mean it isn't right.

Chapter 3 - Purely Single

Well, after a bit of a break (I was away on a New Wine trip in India - must blog about that some time soon too!), here are a few thoughts on Chapter 3 of my book - Purely Single.

One of my favourite Bible verses is Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." These words are such an encouragement to me to fix my mind on the things of God and not on the things of the world. When I'm tempted to settle for less than God's best I try to remember these words and try to remind myself to only "think about" good and pure things.

The word 'pure' has been an important one for me throughout the whole process of reflecting on singleness, and on writing the book. I have known for a long time that my name, Kate, means 'pure' (from the Greek 'katharos'). I'd never really spent all that long thinking about it, or about what relevance it had for me. I remember a prayer time a few years ago (although I can't even remember when or where!), in which someone who didn't know me very well said that they'd sensed God giving them the word 'pure' for me as they prayed - I told them that was what my name meant, which they didn't know. It's a lovely word, and a quality which I would love to think I could show in my life - a quality I aspire to, I guess.

I believe that for Christians, purity is something which we're all called to in our lives. For single people, that purity is about how we conduct ourselves and our relationships, how we live not just publicly but also privately, how we act and speak but also how we think. And yet purity is also relevant to married people too, because marriages are to be pure, and indeed every one of our relationships is to be pure.

In the chapter I look at various aspects of what I think a pure life looks like -
* A pure life is one which is free from jealousy, bitterness and resentment
* A pure life is one which is free from greed and selfishness
* A pure life is one which is honest and self aware
* A pure life is one which is counter-cultural and goes by God's values rather than by the world's
* A pure life is one which is free from discontent

I also talk about the distinction between being a tortoise and being a sunflower (it makes sense, I promise, but you'll have to read the book to find out more! Clue - sunflower's the one we're aiming for!).

Like with so much of what I talk about in the book, I think we have a choice to make. It's not an easy choice, but it is a real choice. We can choose how to live. We can choose which path to take. We can choose where we look to for comfort and support. We can choose whether or not we live our life with God.

I want to live a pure life. I don't always succeed, I don't always get it right, but with God's help, that's what I'll continue to choose.

Chapter 2 - Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage obsessed church

So, hot on the heels of last Thursday's blog about Chapter 1, I bring you... Chapter 2! When I was first asked to speak on the subject of singleness, I said no - I'd never heard a good or helpful talk on singleness (well, I'd hardly heard any, really!), and I wasn't too sure what there was to say about it! I was asked again, and I still wasn't convinced - and then one morning I work up with two titles in my head - "Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage-obsessed church" and "Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world." I thought they were really rather good! Since they clearly hadn't come from my brain, I felt that they must be from God, and so I replied to my friend saying that I would do the singleness talk - and not just one, but two!

The response is interesting when I mention these titles to people. Single people often nod enthusiastically as they agree that yes, the church can often feel like a place which is obsessed by, and revolves around, marriage. Married people either look outraged as if to say "how very dare you?" or they raise their eyebrows and smile nervously as if to indicate that they're sorry, and they didn't mean it to be this way, but actually, probably, that is a fair point.

Don't get me wrong. I think marriage is fabulous. It's vitally important and I'm all in favour of it. I've blogged before about weddings. My point is not that marriage is bad, but that we must be careful that we don't venerate it to the point where we make single people feel like second class citizens. Being married isn't "better" than being single (even though I have had people tell me that it is!). It is simply different.

In this chapter of the book I give an outline of what the church says about marriage - its history, and why it sees it as important. Then I go on to talk about some real experiences which real single people have had in real churches. And some of them are really not good!

I talk about the issue of single people being seen as having more time than married people, and so being asked to do all sorts of jobs, as if they have nothing to do outside of church. Now in some ways of course perhaps single people (those without children at least) do have more flexibility with their time. However, there are plenty of other things that they have to do with that time - not least the shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc...!

Next there's the issue of loneliness - a massive area, and one which lots of single people (at least those who live alone) identify as being a real problem for them. It's worthy of a post all of its own, so at some point in the future maybe I'll write some more about it. But for now I'll say that there's so much churches can do in order to 'be family' for single people, and to help out those who are feeling lonely. And as single people (without children), we have a massive opportunity to turn our loneliness into solitude and to seek times of peace and quiet with the Lord (something which our friends with small children can only dream of!).

I then discuss the issue of whether married people really understand singleness and what it feels like. Again, this is a big area and it's discussed in more detail in Chapter 6. Maybe sometimes the issue is that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people, and sometimes the issue is that single people *think* that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people! It is possible for us as single people to get a chip on our shoulders about this...! Having said that, though, there are times when married people say some genuinely, astonishingly crass and insensitive things to single people! In the book I have given a few examples. If any of my married friends or colleagues read the book and recognise themselves and their comments, I apologise! I love you, and I don't mean to offend you or make you feel bad. But really, some of these comments need naming and shaming!

The next issue I cover is the issue for single people of where they 'fit in' to the church - sometimes they feel they're not quite treated as grown ups, and if they don't have children they may feel excluded from family events - or even if they do, sometimes as single parents they feel left out.

My argument through the whole of this chapter is that the church should be better at this stuff than it is! I don't say that to put the blame 'out there' - any of us who would consider ourselves part of the church have to accept some of the responsibility for this! But surely, as church, we should the place people - ALL people - feel most loved, most welcomed, most accepted, most included, most valued, most at home. I really think that's what Jesus meant the church to be like!