Who am I when I'm not busy?

Somehow I find myself over halfway through my 4 month sabbatical. Gosh. Not sure how that happened. I honestly do appreciate how lucky I am to be able to take a sabbatical, and that lots of people in lots of jobs aren't able to do so. Lots of things about it have been truly wonderful. I've never had so much sleep, for one thing! I've read squillions of books. There's a lot to reflect on, and several more blogs to come, I'm sure.

But the thing that I've been thinking about over this past week in particular is this - Who am I when I'm not busy?

Busyness is such a feature of modern life, isn't it? There probably aren't many people around who would say "no, I'm not busy, I haven't got much to do really." And I wonder whether in fact the people who might say that would wish it were not true - for example, is not-busyness generally as a result of being unemployed, or lonely, or in some sort of situation that we would hope not to be in?

For most of us, though, busyness seems to simply be a feature of modern life. Reading through friends' social media posts I see again and again phrases like "I don't have enough time," "I have too much to do," "I'm never going to get everything done." People are rushing between this and that, always in a hurry, never stopping. Adverts assume that we're all busy, and talk about how certain gadgets or devices can save us time and make our lives easier.

Sometimes our busyness becomes a badge of honour, something to boast about - "I'm busier than you!" It's like it's a competition!

Christmas is probably the worst time of year for this. "THERE'S JUST SO MUCH TO DO!" we frantically exclaim. We meet ourselves running around in circles as we try to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, buying, planning.

It's easy to get seriously passive aggressive when in a conversation about busyness - "oh, you've decorated your tree and bought all your presents and sent 200 cards and made 3 home made Christmas cakes? Well, good for you. Personally I just haven't had time to do all that. I've been far too busy." (The thing that has kept me mysteriously too busy is left unstated - it is enough for you to know that I am much busier, and by implication much more important, than you are.)

Vicars are terrible for it, let me tell you! Clergy meetings in the run up to Christmas can just become one big opportunity to show off about how many carol services and home communions you've taken and to look down on anyone who hasn't done as many, and secretly wonder why they aren't working hard enough!

It's not just clergy though, and it's not just Christmas. For all of us, at least in today's Western society, busyness feels like some sort of disease. It's a cliché, but it really is a bit like a treadmill or a hamster wheel - and once you're on it, it's impossible to get off.

Now if you've been reading this far and hoping that at some point I'm going to give you The Answer and explain how you can stop being busy and live a calm and peaceful life forever more then I'm afraid you're about to be disappointed! This is just something I'm wondering about and reflecting on myself. Why is it that our society seems so much to value busyness? Why is it that we so often feel guilty if we're not working "hard enough," or when we take some time off to do nothing? Why is it that were so bound by to-do lists?

As a Christian, for me the principle of Sabbath is important. I believe in having a day of rest each week.  For fairly obvious reasons, for me that isn't Sunday! (Any comments about that being the only day I work will be deleted!!) Friday is my day off. I try not to spend all of it doing chores! I try to do something fun, relaxing, life giving, joy bringing. My favourite thing is to spend time with friends on my day off, going for a walk, having a meal, laughing and enjoying each other's company.

But simply taking each Friday off isn't enough. That doesn't mean that from Saturday morning until Thursday evening I should work flat out to cram everything in, never stopping, never pausing, never doing anything 'not work' (although I'm ashamed to say there have been a few weeks that have looked and felt like that!)

And then, suddenly, here is this sabbatical this extended 'sabbath' of four whole months! In Liverpool Diocese, this is meant to be three months of 'study leave' and a month of holiday. So what should that actually look like? The holiday part is fine - I'm good at that! There's been a week in Wales, some sightseeing in New York and Washington DC, and next week a road trip is planned! But what about the 'work' time - what should that look like? I mentioned something about work the other day on Facebook and a friend commented "you're on sabbatical - you shouldn't be working!" Instantly I thought "but I can't just do nothing!"

'Work' over these months look very different for me. I'm hoping to write a book (well, half a book at least, along with a friend). I've done lots of reading, and reflecting. The pace has been very considerably slower than normal! Bedtime has been much earlier. I've watched more films. I've gone for more walks. I've gone to the gym more (in that I've gone to the gym!!)

It's has felt so strange not to be doing umpteen church services, being in and out of our church school, going to Christmas meals, visiting people at home. And it's not just the 'work' things' - I've hardly bought any Christmas presents (although I did do some before I left), and for the first time ever I haven't done Christmas cards! There's no food to buy, no parties to host, no meals to cook.

And yet I've wrestled with feeling guilty. I have often felt that I "should be doing more." I've wondered what people are thinking as they read my social media posts - "It's alright for her, lazing about for four months while I have to go to work." I've self-imposed a structure on my days of working in the church office 9-5 on week days,but then if someone has invited me out during that time I've felt like I shouldn't go. That's mad! (It's OK, I had a word with myself!)

What I'm realising is that so much of my identity is tied up with my busyness. I am Kate, I am the Vicar, I am Busy. But not always in that order. One of the themes of this sabbatical for me seems to be about rediscovering who I am. I want my identity to be entirely found in Jesus - in who I am in him, and not in what I do. He doesn't love me because I'm a Vicar. He doesn't love me because I'm Busy. He loves me because I'm me, and because he made me, and because he is Love.

I really hope that my sabbatical gives me the time to really learn these lessons, and to actually embed them into my life. I hope that regularly going to the gym now will mean that when I get back to work I still make time for it (don't get me wrong, I passionately dislike the gym, but you've got to do something!). I hope that going to I'll continue to go to bed at a sensible time (a friend of mine says "I do prefer going to bed on the same day that I woke up"!). I hope that I'll still take time for reading and watching films and having fun and sometimes doing nothing - all without feeling guilty!

I'm a realist - I know this stuff isn't easy to unlearn, and relearn. I know that my first month back at work will be a challenge, as phone calls and conversations and emails fly at me from all sides. I expect I will be busy again pretty soon. And maybe that's OK. I guess I just want to remember through it all who I really am, and what's really important. I think I'm going to be OK with sometimes being busy, as long as I remember I'm not Busy.

To end: a profound Christmas thought...

Social media, instant news and how we communicate

When I was 19 I went off on a gap year to Borneo for 7 months.  Email was only just beginning to be a thing (gosh that makes me feel old!), and so I was just about able to email home once a week if the computer decided to behave. My parents didn't have a computer so would check it at their friends' house. I phoned home weekly (I expect their phone bill was horrifying). And that's basically all the 'keeping in touch' I did.

I'm currently on sabbatical and spending 10 weeks in the US. I spent 2 1/2 weeks being a tourist in New York, Virginia and Washington DC, and am spending the rest of the time in Lancaster California, visiting a church led by my good friends.

I was reflecting on the fact that communication has changed so much during that time. My gap year was 19 years ago (oh my gosh, I'm now twice as old as when I did my gap year. AAARGH!). Now, in order to keep in touch with people back home, I write blogs on my tablet which I instantly post online via WiFi.  I post updates and photos on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. My family and friends at home know what I'm doing almost as I'm doing it. They're in touch with my news and I'm in touch with theirs. Plus I'm in touch with actual news - I know what's going on in the world all the time thanks to Twitter newsfeeds, news websites, and my newspaper subscription.

What has this communication revolution done for the way we interact with and treat one another, I wonder? I love social media - I'm an extrovert, and I really enjoy being in touch with people even when I'm on the other side of the world, and being able to share my news and hear theirs. But it's fundamentally changed how we communicate, and definitely not always in a good way.

I find myself being actually quite glad that all these communication media didn't exist 19 years ago. I don't think that spending 7 months working in a remote Borneo village would have felt like quite as much of an adventure if I'd been able to post photos every evening and see all that I was missing out on day by day from home. It made it feel more special to be away and pretty much out of contact for that time, and coming home with news, stories and pictures was exciting.

Having said that though I admit that I'm glad social media does exist now. It's really helped while being here to be able to keep in touch with people at home. In a new place, far away from home, settling in, finding my way around, making friends, having new experiences, it's been great to be able to share those and have people comment and interact.

A silly example of this was when I slipped and fell on a wet air vent on a Washington DC pavement. I was very English about it, leaping up to insist I was fine, but actually I'd really hurt myself! Posting about it on social media, and getting friends from home sending sympathy (and lots of teasing too!) really did make me feel better.

Also, as I'm travelling alone, posting photos and stories really helps to feel that I'm sharing the experience with someone else, which massively reduces any feelings of loneliness (so big thanks if you've commented on any of my posts - thanks for being my virtual travel companions!)

I don't know how much social media usage is correlated with personality but I know that for me as a single, living-alone, extrovert activist, connecting with the world on social media is a massive help in reducing loneliness and enabling me to extrovertly process my head! Of course I have to make sure it doesn't also take over my life and either become an idol, or stop me from actually enjoying the experiences in real time in the first place - but as long as I do that, for me at least, I think it's a great thing.

Having said all of that though, I've also been doing a lot of thinking lately about how we communicate with one another on social media. Really it's all still pretty new, and it has changed how we interact and communicate so fundamentally. Sometimes I scroll through my news feed and am moved to tears, heartened, encouraged, and blessed. Sometimes I am horrified, appalled, angered and ashamed. And sometimes of course I'm just laughing at cats scared of cucumbers (if you've never seen it, do yourself a favour and get on YouTube right now - you won't regret it).

I love it when social media introduces me to an idea that's new, when I discover a talk or book that I want to check out, when I see a quote that really speaks to me, when I'm challenged to think about something in a new way. I love it when people come together to campaign for change and something brilliant and heartwarming happens (the recent story of the dad trying to find a replacement sippy cup for his autistic son, and Tommee Tippee agreeing to make a lifetime's supply, was one of the most amazing examples of this that I've seen). I love it when twitter banter is at its daftest and funniest, spreading jokes and cartoons and silliness. I love it when people stand shoulder to shoulder with people in need, even if they don't know one another. I love it when people stand up to bullies and trolls and haters, when they refuse to let abuse go unchallenged.

But gosh, social media can also be an awful, horrible thing, can't it? It can be a place of abuse and nastiness and evil and ignorance and bullying. I honestly think that sometimes people forget that they're writing ONLINE - that potentially the whole entire world is watching and reading what they say. Surely that's the only explanation for some of what we see?

I hate it when social media is used to bully and oppress certain groups in society. I hate it when it's used to spread ignorance and fear and to stir up violence. I hate it when it's used as an anonymous shield to hide behind while threatening people for holding a certain viewpoint. I hate it when people just SHOUT out their own opinion again and again without actually listening to what the other person is saying (or thinking about how they might be feeling). I'm horrified when a lot of the time I see Christians treating each other online in these ways - if we can't be loving and gracious and generous to each other online then what hope do we have?

So is social media and the massive change in how we communicate and interact online a good thing or a bad thing? Well clearly it's impossible to answer that really - it's both, and much more besides. It's a massive blessing in so many ways, but we really must be careful and wise as we engage with it.

And a reminder of the good stuff, to end with:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-38141319

New York New York

So here's the second blog post from my sabbatical, and - yay! - I've made it to the USA! I arrived in New York on Tuesday 16th and spent a fantastic few days there. Lots of my friends seem to have been to New York so you may well know and have experienced all that I'm about to say, but it was not only my first time in New York but also my first time in the US, so it's all new to me!

My first, and probably most obvious reflection, is just how BIG everything is! New York felt like an absolutely mahoosive city. The roads are bigger, the cars are bigger, the buildings are bigger. But then of course it's a completely enormous country, so I suppose they would be!

I love most cities, and I definitely loved New York. There are so many things there that are really famous cultural icons and if you stop to think about it you can probably name quite a number of sights. Armed with my trusty Lonely Planet guidebook and a fortunately very sturdy pair of shoes, I set off - and I'm sure I walked 1000 miles during the week!

I loved visiting the various tourist spots and sights. The Statue of Liberty was fantastic- one of those incredibly famous landmarks that you've seen so often in photos so you think you know, and then all of a sudden there it is in front of you in actual real life. It's an interesting experience, actually, that of seeing a thing that you sort of feel that you already know - similar for me to the Taj Mahal or Mount Fuji or the Eiffel Tower. Yes, you see it and think "wow how amazing and beautiful", but you also sort of think "oh, there it is then" - because of course it isn't a surprise, you already know exactly what it's going to look like. I wonder whether our world-as-village, where through media and especially tbe internet, we know everything all at once and all the time, has taken away some of the awe and wonder of travel and exploration.

Anyway, that aside, it was still an incredible thing to see. I was incredibly fortunate to get a ticket to climb up to the crown - apparently you usually have to book 6 months in advance, but I casually had a look online the day before and there it was! It was a heck of a climb but worth it for an amazing view and a sense of having done something really special and unique. The museum at Ellis Island was also an excellent opportunity to learn more about immigration into the US over the years.

In terms of great views, I also enjoyed going up the Empire State Building during the day, and the Rockefeller Centre at night, for some incredible views over the city. I'm not at all scared of heights, and I love being high up and looking down at an amazing view.

The 9/11 memorial was truly incredible and a real highlight of the trip (if you see what I mean). It was beautifully done. The outdoor memorial pools are gorgeous and seeing the names carved around them, and roses on those names whose birthdays were that day, was so moving. The museum was also incredibly well done. One of the things which has really moved me was a blue wall (see the photo at the end) - they asked over 2000 people who experienced that day in the city to remember what the colour of the sky had been, and then they recreated each colour in a small square. It creates a stunning visual tribute. Walking around the museum of course I remembered where I was on that day, and reflected on how much our world has changed in those 15 years. It was especially poignant to hear parents discussing it with their small children who weren't even born then.

A bit of an ambition of mine was fulfilled when I got to see a show on Broadway. The discount ticket office opens at 3pm and I began queuing at 1:45pm and was third in line! There was a great sense of camaraderie as we queued and all chatted together. I got tickets for Matilda, which is what I'd hoped to see, and it was fab.

I'm fairly used to London, and have travelled a fair bit to other major world cities, but still I found New York huge and noisy and busy. Around Times Square at the weekend it was almost impossible to move down the streets! I loved it, but I can see why some people don't, if that level of noise and crowd and general craziness isn't your thing!

I also found it a fairly easy city to get around, which was great. The subway is really straightforward and amazingly cheap too - I got an unlimited week's ticket for $30 and I seriously got my money's worth! The grid and numbering system of the streets also means it's fairly easy to navigate and if you do end up going in the wrong direction then you realise pretty quickly!

I LOVED Central Park, and couldn't stop taking photos of it and all the amazing autumn colours.

I didn't actually do all that much shopping, which is the thing everyone told me I should do! I think partly it was only having a few days and wanting to spend them sightseeing rather than shopping- perhaps if I went again I would do more! Partly too it's the current economic situation, meaning that it isn't as cheap to shop there as it once was. I did wander round Macy's and Saks, and they were amazing places, but also fairly overwhelming - you'd need days just to get around them!

I felt safe the whole time, which was obviously great. I stayed in an AirBnB on the upper west side in Harlem.  I LOVE AirBnB! It was lovely, and really easy to get to on the subway. I felt totally safe walking back there in the evening. Wherever I was in the city people were friendly and helpful, happy to chat, happy to give directions. The legendary US customer services proved true too - it was probably the easiest place I've ever been on my own, in terms of waiters etc not being fazed at my asking for a table for 1 - and when I did, it was usually a good table, rather than one shoved in the back next to the loo, which generally happens if you're on your own!

I went to church on Sunday, to one of the Trinity Grace campuses, on the upper west side. It was great, and I enjoyed it. There were a few moments of awkwardness though, when I first arrived and it seemed like an age before anyone spoke to me, when I sat down on my own surrounded by a crowd of happy, chatting friends, and at the end when it just finished and there didn't seem to be coffee or anything, so I just sidled off home. People did talk to me, and were lovely, so it's nothing they did wrong, but it was a very important reminder to me of what it feels like to be new in a church setting - even if you're a Christian, even if you're fairly confident. I felt a bit uncomfortable, and that's important for me to feel, because it reminds me of how scary it is to walk into a church you don't know.

This was just the first week of my US adventures. It was a bit of a fun, touristy week. More profound and spiritual reflections will hopefully follow... But it was a great week, and I definitely recommend New York as a place to visit.

Below are just a few photo highlights of the week...

6

Sabbatical - 4 weeks in...

Well gosh, I have no idea where the past 4 weeks have gone! On October 16th I said farewell to my lovely church, who were kind & generous in letting me disappear for 4 months. And all of a sudden 1/4 of the time has gone! I had meant to blog as time went by but I'm afraid this is the first time I've got round to doing it (mind you, it's not as if anything else much has been going on in the world, has it?!). So here follows a random and rambling account of some of my experiences, thoughts and reflections one month in... [warning - this is an entire blog post which does not mention the US Presidential election...!]

* Hoorah for wonderful friends and relaxing holidays. I spent a gorgeous week in south Wales with my best friend, her lovely husband, and their fabulous and adorable children (ages 10, 8 & 6). It was so much fun - the weather was beautiful and we did loads of walking, playing games, watching movies, drinking beer, eating ice cream and laughing! I always have Christmas breakfast with them, and because I'm going to be away this year we decided to do an early Christmas, so before the kids got up on our first morning there, we decorated the dining room and put out stockings for everyone. They were SO excited! (Once they'd established they were still going to get the real Christmas at the proper time!). We had a full Christmas dinner, wore our onesies for half of the day, and it was splendid. I am so amazingly grateful for the families who let me be a part of their lives. I love just hanging out with them, being part of the kids' lives as they grow up, joining in the day to day chaos of family life. It's a massive blessing to me.

* Silent retreats are AMAZING! I decided a while ago to do my first silent retreat during this sabbatical. I'd heard lots of good things about St. Beuno's - http://www.beunos.com/ - so I booked on a retreat there. I thought about the 8 day retreat but in the end opted for what they call the 'midweek' retreat - which is really only 3 full days. It was fantastic! It helped that the weather was great, so I could go for lots of lovely long walks, and enjoy the beautiful scenery in autumn. The whole thing was set up and run brilliantly, so that the silence was made easy, rather than awkward. Each day I met with my retreat director for half an hour, which enabled me to process my thoughts and what God was saying. Worshipping in a completely different style from what I'm used to meant that I couldn't just 'go through the motions', but rather had to simply allow myself to enter in to it. (It was also a helpful reminder of how 'alien' church must seem to those who aren't familiar with it, as I tried to work out the ins and outs of the Mass!). It was absolutely glorious to have that time and space to just BE, and to really be able to listen to God without feeling like 1000 other thoughts were crowding in. I am massively extrovert, and wasn't sure whether my head would explore part way through Day 2 (most of my friends fell about laughing when I told them I was planning this) - but I loved it, I would recommend it, and I will definitely be doing it again.

* Preparing to go abroad for 11 weeks is stressful! The last time I did anything like this was my gap year, when I went overseas for 7 months - but I was young then!!! This time I cheerfully booked the flights, then got caught up in the busyness of day to day life, and suddenly found myself going "AAAARGH - HOW LONG?!" Packing for that length of time is a challenge, especially as I'll be in climates between 5 and 25 degrees! For someone who is as fond of shoes as I am, that aspect alone of the packing has been tricky. At the moment I think I have it down to 4 pairs, which I am rather proud of - but the suitcase isn't yet locked, so anything could happen...

* Having time to sleep, and pray, and sit, and read, and think, and journal, and listen, is really rather wonderful. Clearly in an ideal world one would have time for all of those things on a daily basis! But you know what it's like - life gets in the way sometimes! I hope and pray that one of the things this sabbatical will do is to realign things in me in some way - I don't just want to enjoy these 4 months of getting enough sleep and reading lots of books and always finding time to be still, and then afterwards hurtle straight back into crazy-busy-ville. No, I want to find within these 4 months a pattern and a rhythm of life which I'll then maintain once I get back into work. Even for a serious activist like me, prayer and time with God has to be at the heart of it all - or nothing else will work!

I do realise that I'm extremely blessed and fortunate to have this time available to me - and I apologise if you're reading this thinking "I could definitely flipping use 4 months off!" It's not *just* a great big holiday, I promise! Among other things, I very much hope to write half of a book! (My friend Joanna will be writing the other half!). And I hope to learn a lot from hanging out with amazing Christians and churches in the US, especially about the ways in which they're seeking to minister to those within their communities struggling with debt, addiction, poverty and injustice.

I'll try to blog more regularly once I'm in the next phase of sabbatical - I'm looking forward to all that God has in store...!

Here are a few photos which sum up the time so far...

Just one...?

I've just got back from a short break in Dublin. I'd never been, and it turns out Dublin is a beautiful, fabulous city. You may have already known that! But if you didn't, I'm telling you - you need to go! I visited St. Patrick's and Christ Church Cathedrals, Dublinia, the GPO and the Witness History, Dublin Castle, did a walking tour, the Literary Pub Crawl, the 1916 'Beyond the Barricades' bus experience, went to Once at the theatre, did a tasting tour at the Irish Whiskey Museum, saw the Book of Kells at Trinity College and travelled all over the place on the open top tourist bus. I also ate a lot of food and drank a lot of beer! All in all, it was a very splendid holiday. I could have lived with the sun shining a bit more, but that's my only real complaint...!

It was a fairly last minute decision to go to Dublin. I went to Ljubljana for a week in May with a friend (also a gorgeous and wonderful city!), and am lucky enough to have a sabbatical from mid-October, some of which I'll be spending in the US. With all that going on, I hadn't really planned in much other time away - but it turns out that almost a whole year with only 1 week of actual holiday isn't really enough! So, to stop myself from losing the plot entirely I squeezed in this almost-a-week away.

I have a lovely friend with whom I go on holiday fairly often - generally once a year for the past several years. We like pretty much the same things, holiday-wise, so it works well, and we've got a good system going now! I also occasionally go away with my best friend's family, or I go to stay with friends around the country. That's all good.

There are times, however, when I want to go away, but either there's no one available to go away with, or we don't want to go to the same place, or we're not free at the same time, or whatever. It's the single person's holiday curse! In the not-at-all scientific survey I did of some single friends while I was writing my book, I asked them to rate various 'issues' faced by single people. 'Lack of touch' came out at the top of the list of things people struggled with, and 'holidays' came in second.

Whenever I share this list with groups of people when I'm speaking about singleness, married people are generally surprised by holidays being on the list, and certainly it isn't usually something they would guess. (The single people, of course, TOTALLY get it!).

It's a dilemma, especially for me as an extrovert. When I told some people that I was going away on my own, they sort of went quiet, and looked at me in that certain special way and asked "er, are you going to be... ok?" I tended to grin and cheerfully announce "well, there's only one way to find out...!"

I have been away on my own before, for a couple of days to London, and for a few days to Morpeth. However this time was my first holiday "abroad" (I know, it's Dublin not the Far East - but still!). It was only for 5 days and 4 nights, but that's a long time to not know whether I'd have any sort of meaningful conversation with another human person!

Anyway, the good news is that it was fabulous, almost all of the time. It helped that the Olympics was on, so when I got back to my hotel room each evening I could catch up on the day's events. It helped that the hotel had wifi so that I could spend time on social media when I was there - in fact that and a central location were my only 2 real requirements hotel-wise.

Often when I speak about singleness I have conversations with people who are too scared to go on holiday on their own. Sometimes they're too scared to go out for a meal or to the cinema or theatre on their own. I get that, I really do. But the thing is this - how much are you willing to miss out on? All those places you won't have visited, all those restaurants you won't have eaten in, all those films and plays and shows you won't have seen. So be brave! If I can do it, you can (and actually if you're more of an introvert than me, you might jump at the chance!).

So below (in no particular order) I offer you a few plus points of holidaying alone, a few suggestions of things which might help, as well as a few light-hearted grumbles and warnings...

• The first and most obvious positive is that you get to make all the decisions! Where to go, what to do, what time to eat, what time to sleep, etc etc. You can entirely please yourself, and it's marvellous!
• There is, though, a direct flipside to this, which is - you have to make all the decisions! Sometimes it would be nice to just have someone else make a suggestion, or a decision.
• Do take a book with you everywhere you go. It is a million times easier to sit in a cafe, restaurant, pub or bar while reading, than simply doing nothing. I tend to take my tablet and then I can read the newspaper or my kindle app or whatever. Without that I would get bored more quickly and also feel more awkward.
• Vary the things you do each day between things where you're on your own, or things where you'll be mixing with other people. I make a bit of a plan each evening about what I might do the next day.
• Sign up for some trips, or tours, where you'll mix with other people. All the tours I've ever done on holidays have included some people travelling alone. It's great, as you get to spend a bit of time within a group, and to share the experience with others. The walking tours and literary tours I did in Dublin were great for this, and on the literary pub crawl in particular I got chatting to some other girls travelling alone or in pairs.
• One annoying thing is there's no one else with you, so they can't go and reserve a table while you order or pay. The number of times I've missed out on a cafe table because someone behind me in the queue has had a friend to go and bagsy a table for them...!
• If you're going to the theatre and there's an interval, my suggestion is to buy a programme. I know they're ridiculously overpriced and are 80% adverts, but it really helps in the interval to have something to do! I never quite feel I can get out my book, but flicking through a programme helps me to feel less of a spare part!
• The last night was tricky. It was a Friday and I simply hadn't bargained for how busy everywhere would be. I wanted to find a pub with traditional music but everywhere was rammed. I wandered around for ages getting more and more hungry (hangry, if I'm totally honest!). I ended up in one pub where there were no tables, but you could sit at the bar and order snacks. I did so, and for 15 minutes was ignored by the bar and waiting staff. RUDE! I left...
• Do be brave - do the things you feel like doing, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks! I know it's a cliche to say you'll never have to see these people again - but it's a cliche because it's true! This was especially true for me on the last night. After my slightly trying evening, when I eventually did find a pub to eat in, I wanted a last-night treat. I ordered the special - lobster salad. The waiter genuinely paused, looked me up and down, and said "for one?" I thought "how many do you flipping well think it's for?" It's not as if it was a sharing platter - it was a single meal, for one, and I was on my own. So what if it was a fancy meal - I fancied it! I love lobster, I was near the coast, the seafood was amazing. Out loud, I said "yes, please." In my head, I said "DO AS I ASK AND BRING ME A LOBSTER AT ONCE, MY MAN." 
• In a similar vein, eat ice cream, or chips, or order Prosecco, or whatever the heck you feel like doing, regardless of whether you're on your own. Why shouldn't you?!
• The one thing that did drive me a bit mad while I was in Dublin, and prompted me to start mulling over this blog post, and was the inspiration for the title, was the number of times I went in somewhere and was asked "just one...?" Restaurants, cafes, bars, even, bizarrely, a bus... I have reached the point where I have no shame about this. Yes, I am only one, and I may well occupy a table that could take 2 or even 4. So what? I will spend money that is as good as theirs - and if you'd seen me eat, you'd realise I may even spend as much as they would! If people are rude about this, I leave. Whatevs. If they're friendly and accommodating, it scores them many points - I will return. I'm not deliberately difficult - if I start off at a big table and a smaller one becomes available I'll happily move, but I have as much right as anyone else to a table in the first place!
• I was on the open-topped bus one time and someone on their own got up to get off. The driver (who fancied himself as a bit of a "comedian" started to chat (into the mic which the whole bus could hear) - "where's the rest of your gang then? What - you're on your own? Billy-no-mates are you?" How flipping cheeky is that? When I got off I raced down the aisle and straight off, because if he'd said something like that to me then I can't guarantee I'd have been polite!
• I wonder what's in people's heads, sometimes, with this "just one...?" business. Is it that they could never conceive of going out, or away, on their own? Is it that they think you must have temporarily mislaid your partner or friend, and they're pointing it out in case you go "oh flip, I knew I'd forgotten something!" I mean, I realise it could just be a request for information - "what is the size of your party so that I know what facilities you require?" - but 9 times out of 10 it doesn't feel like that. And the question "table for one?" is perfectly reasonable, and generally I say it myself as I walk in. But it's the "*just...*?" that gets me - the unspoken feeling of "good gracious what on earth is wrong with you?" But maybe I'm just over sensitive...

Anyway, what about you? I'd love to hear. Do you agree, or disagree? Have you holidayed alone? How did it go? Or would you like to but have never quite had the nerve? Do share your thoughts and stories.

And to end, the final downside of holidaying alone - you end up with lots of photos of where you've been, but hardly any of you! (I know, I know, selfies, but I feel so daft!). And so here is the only photographic evidence I have that I was actually in Dublin at all - from the Irish Whiskey Museum, no less!

If this were a test of our humanity, we'd have failed

I'm struggling to find the words for what I want to say, and yet I know that I want, and need, to say something. Like everyone, I have been shocked, and horrified, and saddened, at some of the events of the past few weeks. Some truly terrible things have happened. I have wept as I've watched the news, as I'm sure you have too. I have turned on the TV, or looked at social media and though "no... not again... not another tragedy."

Many excellent blogs and articles have been written on some of those tragic events, by people much wiser than me. I don't want to write about the events themselves, awful as they are. I pray for everyone involved - for peace, for healing, for comfort, for grace, for hope. And yet what I actually have been mostly thinking about over the last day or so, and what I want to try to blog about, is "our" reaction - how we, the public, have responded and reacted to these dreadful events.

Of course, in doing that, I run the risk of making huge generalisations. Obviously there have been a variety of responses, and I will only have personally come across a handful of them. (I'm aware also that in commenting on what I see as some very negative reactions, I run the risk of doing the very thing that I want to discuss and critique - I will try to steer clear of that risk!).

I think, though, that what has struck me the most, again and again, as each new tragedy has unfurled (and in the EU referendum debate, which is obviously in a different category, but nonetheless has been all over every form of media recently), is the way in which people have responded. (Again, I'm referring of course to the negativity - I do appreciate that there have also been (some) moments of beauty and kindness...).

As I have reflected on all this, a phrase came to me this morning - if the events of the last month or so had been a test of our humanity, we'd have failed. (For the avoidance of doubt, and to see off any obvious arguments, I am NOT saying they are 'a test' of any kind - but please allow me the metaphor for the moment).

What do I mean by this? Well, do any of the following look or sound familiar?

The EU Referendum campaign is underway and of course feelings and opinions are strong. Passions are running high. It's right that different views are shared online and in person. This matters. It's a massive issue and one which will have profound implications for our country for generations to come. We live in a democracy, thank God - we're all able to speak and to vote freely and we can be certain that the vote will be done fairly and the result enacted properly. I urge everyone eligible to vote - it is a freedom and a privilege that many have been and are denied.

And yet... some of the things I have heard people say, in person and on TV and on social media, have shocked and horrified me. The way individual people - not opinions, not viewpoints, actual people - have been vilified and disparaged has been quite awful. [Don't get me wrong - some of the 'official' people within the campaign have done things that have horrified me too, and I believe both in allowing free speech and in calling out hatred and prejudice. But always, these are people. Real, human people.]

The same could be true of the US election campaign. I personally know less about the issues involved there, of course, and obviously I don't get a vote - but again, the ways in which people (on all sides, and at all levels) are speaking of, to and about one another, is horrifying.

This week we've also seen, of course, a dreadful hate crime - a horrifying attack on an LGBTI nightclub in Orlando. And we've seen the senseless, brutal murder of a woman who dedicated her life to helping ordinary local people, refugees and asylum seekers, those living in poverty - a murder which leaves a man widowed and two small children without a mother.

There have been awful responses to those two events too, I'm sad to say. Some of the things I've heard or read about them have caused me to shake my head in despair. Some have simply been vile - comments coming from a place of ignorance, hatred and prejudice. But some have been more subtle in their horror - the comments which at first sight seem sympathetic, but actually are seeking to win political points, to in some way capitalise on the grief and the torment.

What has happened to us as a society? Is social media in some way to blame? Perhaps, though of course that cannot explain it all. I am a single extrovert who lives alone - I love social media! I love to interact with others through it, to share my views, to read and listen to others'. But perhaps we're in danger of becoming too anonymous this way, too far removed from the issue itself, and from the people with whom we're debating. Perhaps it's too easy to forget the issue involves real people, and those with whom we're speaking are also human, with lives, and families, and friends, and hopes, and dreams, and feelings.

Is the actual media to blame - the press, journalists, newspapers? Again, perhaps in part. Some of the headlines I have read have made me feel sick. The journalists involved are culpable here. Today I have seen a number of tweets posting photos of some of the recent tabloid headlines, suggesting that by reading so much hate in this way, 'we' (society) come to feel and to express hate as a result. I think to an extent this must be true - for some people the only way they engage with news and world affairs is by reading one newspaper. per day or per week. If that newspaper irresponsibly spews out vile hatred and prejudice, the person reading will inevitably be influenced by that. What can be done to better regulate the nastiness and bias of some of our print media?

And yet even if 'media' is in some way to blame, that cannot be the whole story. We are grown ups. We all make our own decisions. We have all been brought up with values of some kind. We all exist together in this society. We all mix day by day with a whole mixture of different people with whom we might agree or disagree. We must take responsibility for our words, or actions, or views. We must consider the effect that the things that we do and say and write will have on the people around us. We must remember that other people are, well, people - human beings just like us, worthy of respect and kindness.

I pray that if it's possible for some good to come out of the horrors the world has experienced in these past days, and out of the roller coaster surrounding the EU Referendum, whatever its eventual outcome, that it might be this - that we would all be a bit kinder, a bit more patient, a bit more gracious, a bit more ready to listen and to love.

As Brendan Cox said in his remarkable statement following his wife's death: we must now "unite to fight against the hatred that killed her."

The hatred must not win. We must overcome it with our humanity.

On being an extrovert

Yikes - sorry for the ridiculously long time since I last posted! Not quite sure what happened there... I have a long list of 'things to blog about' on my desk so hopefully in the next few days/weeks I'll crack on a bit and there will be a few more blogs to read.

Anyway, the thing I've pondering a lot lately is the whole introvert/extrovert thing. I'm totally fascinated by this!

It will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone who knows me that I am a massive extrovert - whenever I do any sort of quiz I end up pretty much off the scale! But, even though it seems totally obvious now, for years I didn't know this about myself. And it really helps now that I do!

Obviously we can't be totally defined by these 'personality test' type things - there's much more to us than just a collection of numbers or letters churned out by answering a few questions. Of course saying that I'm an extrovert and someone else is an extrovert doesn't mean we'll behave in the same way. And don't even get me started on the ridiculous misconception about extrovert = loud and outgoing, and introvert = shy. That's just misusing words!

But, having said all that, I have found the concept of extroversion and introversion really helpful to understand myself (and my friends) much better.

For me, this is some of what being an extrovert looks and feels like:

• I process things externally. Ideally this would be by chatting to someone in person, although it could also be over the phone. Journalling and social media work well too, especially at times when the 'other person' option just isn't available!
• I relax and unwind by being with other people. Even if I've had a really busy day or week, the way I will most easily feel relaxed is by doing something with other people. We don't need to be having a big chat - just being alongside others can work. Generally, though, this will help me unwind much better than being on my own.
• I don't know what I think about something until I've talked about it. Genuinely! I know that sounds a bit mad but it's true. I need to talk things over and 'think out loud' in order to work out what my opinion is.

Much about being an extrovert is great - it's who I am, and that's fine. I like being around people, I know how I tick, it's all good.

But of course there are also some bits of it that are really tricky. And that's especially true as a single person, and as someone who lives alone. Getting in from a tough conversation, or a tough meeting, or a tough day, and having no one to talk to about it is - well, it's tough! There are times when I so want there to be someone there to talk to, because I know if I can talk it through I'll be able to get my head round it in about half an hour, as opposed to the week it'll take me doing it alone!

That's when social media can be amazing! If you follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram you probably sometimes think "what's she on about now, posting some inane bit of nonsense from her life" (unless you're also an extrovert, in which case it's all good, we can be social media social butterflies together!). Oh, and if you're not, and you are thinking that, I'm not sorry btw - if you don't want to know the inane details of my life, feel free to not follow me any more ;-)

This is also where my nearest and dearest friends come in - bless them! I have a mix of very extrovert and very introvert friends, but whoever they are, if our friendship is going to last, they've had to get used to my extrovertly processing and over sharing all over the place - the text messages and Twitter DMs which go on for 2 pages, and the late night splurges when I just need to get something out of my brain.

I'm trying to learn how my introvert friends and colleagues tick, and give them the time and space that they need to process and sort their heads out too. (On that, if you haven't read my friend Mark Tanner's book 'The Introvert Charismatic', you really should...)

I'm a bit of a slow learner, so I'm still figuring out stuff about myself in this area - like why I rarely ask questions after lectures, even though (not-really-a-spoiler-alert) I'm quite gobby ;-) Turns out it's because, if the lecture finishes and we're immediately invited to ask questions, I don't yet know what I think, because I haven't been able to process it. Whereas, if we're given 5 minutes after the talk to chat to the person next to us (which I realise is introvert hell!), I'll be able to process the talk, work out what I think, and then ask a question.

I'm trying therefore, whenever I speak, to offer both options so that both introverts and extroverts can make the most of it.

Now it's quite possible that this whole blog post has just been one long extrovert-process-think-out-loud exercise. I'm ok with that. I love figuring out a bit more about who I am and how I tick and what makes life work better for me. Maybe it'll help someone else along the way too...

Whom shall I fear?

I've been thinking a bit about fear today. This is mainly because yesterday I did something that absolutely TERRIFIED me - a 120 foot freefall abseil inside Liverpool Cathedral. I realise some of you have already had to stop reading, look away from the screen and take a deep breath. Others of you are thinking "ooh, that sounds like great fun!" Isn't fear a fascinating thing? We're all scared of different things (I don't think I believe there are many people who truly aren't scared of anything at all).

For some people, spotting a spider in the corner of the room brings them to utter, paralysing terror. For others they would pick up the spider without a care and put it outside, or carry on with their business while ignoring it (I'm in the second group). I do however have a huge phobia of snakes. I realise a lot of people aren't wild about snakes, and we'd probably all be a bit scared if one crawled in through the door. But I'm almost as scared of pictures of snakes as I am of the real thing. I simply can't stand to look at a snake. It reduces me to shrieking horror and I genuinely feel sick. It's the very essence of a phobia - a totally irrational fear. A photo of a snake, or a snake in a glass case, cannot do me any harm at all, and yet I am terrified. Why? I have no idea! Where did that fear come from? It's been there as long as I can remember.

Some of our fears are rational and logical; others totally irrational and maybe a bit odd. We can be cruel about others' fears, too. I'm always a bit nervous about telling people about my snake phobia (I thought twice before typing the last paragraph) because all my life when people have found out there have been some who have thought it would be hilarious to immediately show me a picture of a snake. Why on earth would you do that? I know, I'll terrify this person half to death - that'll be fun. People can be strange...

Who am I to judge what someone else finds scary? Of course there are times when it's good to try to get over our fears. or to tackle them head on, especially if they're stopping us from doing something we want to do, or holding us back in some way. Fear can really hold us back so trying in some way to conquer it can be a good idea.

So... the abseil! I'm pretty scared of abseiling. I did it a few times when I was in Guides, and I was NOT a fan. I generally had to be persuaded/coaxed/shoved off the top of wherever we were, and I was always incredibly relieved when it was over. I hoped that as an adult I could steer clear of such ridiculous pastimes and all would be well. Then a couple of years ago on an outward bound day the dreaded moment arrived once again - abseiling! Various options presented themselves - I could simply not do it. I was an adult, after all, and if there were any benefits to that state surely one was the ability to simply opt out of those experiences we do not wish to have. But no, I'm too much of a rule-follower for that to really work. We were all abseiling, so I had to abseil. I told myself it was fine. I was older now, wiser, more mature. It was mind over matter. I could do it. I was wrong. I won't bore you with the details, or we'll all be traumatised, but it did NOT go well. I got in a muddle over the bit where you have to lean back and keep your feet flat, and then I got scared, and ended up with my head nearer to the ground than my feet - which I'm pretty sure is not what's supposed to happen! Of course it was fine - that's what the ropes (and the man at the top holding them) are there for. I made my way down (whimpering!) and arrived safely at the bottom, shaking like a leaf but essentially unharmed. I did however swear off abseiling for the rest of my life.

At St. George's, we are in the middle of spending an awful lot of money on getting our roof fixed. Last year we spent c.£250,000 stopping most of the leaks. We're about to begin work which will cost another £250,000. We're one of the most deprived CofE parishes in the country to fundraising is tough. We get grants from HE and HLF and other charities and grant-making bodies but we still have to raise a fair bit ourselves. Often people have suggested something like abseiling but I've always just said there's no way I'd do it. But before Christmas I saw on Liverpool Cathedral's website that they were doing an indoor abseil and something in me just said "do it." I completely surprised myself by signing up, enlisting fab curate Ashley along the way (although she thought it was just great fun!).

Life had been busy so I hadn't had much chance to think about it (apart from begging requests on social media re sponsorship!), especially in the week leading up to it, which had been, I must say, a bit of a pig. So it wasn't until the Thursday night that I really had chance to think about. I seriously questioned my sanity at this point. I vividly recalled the last time and how terrifying it had been. What was I thinking? And yet I knew I couldn't pull out - too many people had sponsored us.

The day arrived and Ashley and I arrived at the Cathedral. A few lovely people from church had come to cheer us on (and take photos. And laugh, really). I was genuinely petrified. I really didn't know whether I'd be able to do it, and I was considering how humiliating it would be to get to the top and then have to beg to be allowed to go back down (the long way!).

I've always wanted to go up to the Corona Gallery in the Cathedral, so that part was quite fun. The view was amazing. I know that for some people their dreaded fear is heights, but I love being really high up and looking down. We got our harnesses on and stood on the edge. There was a genuine possibility I would lose my porridge over the edge. The man in charge was so very lovely and calm and somehow made the whole thing seem entirely normal. And before I knew it, I was over the edge - the most horrifyingly terrifying bit done. We were in front of brick to begin with, then it finished and the freefall began, which was odd as there's then nothing to kick against. I stopped to look around but realised if I thought about it for too long I'd remember I was meant to be terrified, so I cracked on, and reached the bottom to gratifying whoops and cheers. I'm fairly confident that if they'd times everyone who came down that day I would have been the fastest.

It felt amazing! I have always been a bit of a scaredy cat, even as a child, never one to go on big roller coasters or jump off high places. We often say of small children that they have no fear - well, I did! But when I'd completed the abseil I felt so good. If it doesn't sound naff, I felt really proud of myself. I had genuinely been afraid and yet I had done it anyway. And it was ok! I would actually do it again, too. Although maybe not for a day or two...

There's been an interesting response on social media - lots of people declaring they wouldn't do it in a million years, but a fair few others wishing they could have had a go too. There are definitely some things I can't ever imagine doing - a parachute jump and a bungee jump are both most definitely out of the question. I'm not saying everyone should leap off a 120 foot building to face their fears. But, knowing I was afraid, and doing it anyway, felt pretty good.

When I was a teenager I had loads of 'No Fear' posters in my bedroom - "Don't let your fears stand in the way of your dreams" and all that business. I can't say they helped. What did help, after the abseiling horror story of a couple of years ago, was when God quietly and gently reminded me that he had me, that I was safe, that he was never going to let me go. I could "fall off a cliff" (I like to exaggerate a bit when I tell the story!), but God was not ever going to let me go.

So, yesterday, on the top of that abseiling platform, that was what got me over the edge. I'm safe. I'm always safe, even when life is difficult and scary and everything seems to have gone wrong. God has hold of me, and he's not going to let go,

Psalm 118:6 in the Message says: "God's now at my side and I'm not afraid."

Just so you can be really impressed, here's what it looked like: 

And you can still sponsor us, too: www.justgiving.com/stgeorgeseverton