Chapter 5 - Single Again

Chapter 5 of my book is the one about which I know the least! I wanted the book to be relevant to everyone, whatever their stage or circumstances in life. Obviously my story is just that, it's mine, and I wanted people whose stories and journeys have been very different to still fine something for them in the book. Chapter 5 is therefore entitled 'Single Again', and it looks at what it's like to find yourself single for a second time in life, because you have been widowed or divorced. Because that hasn't been my experience, I relied a lot on the input and stories of others for this chapter, and I'm so grateful to everyone who contributed.

Lots of the people I spoke to said that they had found church a really hard place to be after they became single again. There's clearly a difference in circumstances from when people are separated or divorced and when they're widowed, but both can be hard in different ways. When people have got divorced, many said that sadly they found their friends in church were judgmental and critical. Often they felt that it became much harder to sustain friendships within the church, and that people stopped inviting them round socially. There was often a feeling that they had 'failed' in some way if their marriage had ended, and there may also have been a sense of being judged by those who felt that divorce was wrong for Christians. When people have been widowed, generally there was more of a sense of care and concern from their friends in church; however there was still also that experience of people not knowing quite what to do or say, and not knowing how to treat them any longer.

Alongside the 'snapshots' which are in every chapter, telling a little bit of people's stories and experiences of singleness, in this chapter there are 3 extended interviews with people who have found themselves 'single again', plus a poem written by a woman after her divorce. They are all remarkably real and honest about how it was for them, and about the ways in which the church and other Christians did and didn't help.

I really hope that this chapter is helpful to those who find themselves 'single again' at whatever point in their lives and for whatever reason. The chapter ends with a quote from a friend who filled in one of the questionnaires, and it pretty much says it all - "Jesus is still trustworthy, even when we have baggage!"

 

Chapter 4 - Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world

So, Chapter 4 - the one about sex! This is the 2nd of the 'God-obsessed life...' titles that I woke up thinking about one morning, which first persuaded me to agree to speak in this subject. I've mentioned the 'marriage-obsessed church' already. So is our world sex-obsessed?

Just think for a moment about the adverts you've seen recently - on TV, in newspapers & magazines, on billboards. How many of them were using sex, explicitly or implicitly, to sell a product which had nothing at all to do with sex - anything from shampoo to fizzy drinks, chocolate to cars. We've become so used to this that we barely even notice it any more - but is it right? Do we want our children and young people to be exposed to this sort of advertising on a daily basis? And it's not just the adverts - there are the sexually explicit magazine covers which are still clearly visible to children, and the nonsense of being able to see naked women in daily newspapers on sale for a few pence. (on which issue, you might want to go here - http://nomorepage3.org/)

And what about TV and cinema? Almost all of the shows and films we watch have sexual ethics which are very far indeed from the way that I would want my Godchildren, and the people in my church, and my friends to live and to act. Relationships are made and used and thrown away the moment anything goes wrong. People cheat and lie and get found out and lie some more. There are numerous casual sexual encounters. Anyone who isn't living this way becomes an object of fun - from gentle teasing to downright ridicule and scorn.

If you ever find yourself overhearing a conversation between a group of young people, you may well be shocked by what you hear. Of course there's an element of bragging to mates, there always has been - but nevertheless I find it pretty scary sometimes when I hear some of the things quite young kids seem to know about and be talking about today.

And even when we forget about the advertising and the media, even when we discount playground boasting - is the rest of society any different? It's almost like it's seen as weird to live a life which isn't dominated by sex - by having it, by thinking about it, by talking about it.

I'm a 35 year old virgin - something that's seen as so impossible to believe or imagine that it's almost the title of a comedy film. Am I unfulfilled, unhappy and desperate? No.

Don't get me wrong, my mind isn't pure and white and innocent all of the time - very far from it! But I do want to make sure that I don't get sucked into a way of thinking and speaking and acting which is very far from the 'pure life' that I want to live (which I talked about last time).

In this chapter I look at what the Bible has to say about sex - after all, sex is something which God created, and which is a very good thing! And yet there are guidelines there, for the good of us all. In the right context sex is wonderful and beautiful and good, but in the wrong context it can be harmful and damaging and destructive.

So I try in this chapter to think about what God has to say about all this, and how he might want us to live - in ways which are pure and (to use a somewhat old fashioned but very relevant word) chaste.

In the past when I've given talks on this subject, I've had people thank me afterwards for being honest, and for using "real words" (some 16 year old girls once said that!). I hope that's what I've done in this chapter too. This topic is too important to ignore or gloss over just because we're a bit embarrassed about it.

I hope that this chapter will give us a framework for how we should live as single Christians, in the light of what the Bible says, and of what we know about God. It won't always be easy, but that doesn't mean it isn't right.

Chapter 3 - Purely Single

Well, after a bit of a break (I was away on a New Wine trip in India - must blog about that some time soon too!), here are a few thoughts on Chapter 3 of my book - Purely Single.

One of my favourite Bible verses is Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." These words are such an encouragement to me to fix my mind on the things of God and not on the things of the world. When I'm tempted to settle for less than God's best I try to remember these words and try to remind myself to only "think about" good and pure things.

The word 'pure' has been an important one for me throughout the whole process of reflecting on singleness, and on writing the book. I have known for a long time that my name, Kate, means 'pure' (from the Greek 'katharos'). I'd never really spent all that long thinking about it, or about what relevance it had for me. I remember a prayer time a few years ago (although I can't even remember when or where!), in which someone who didn't know me very well said that they'd sensed God giving them the word 'pure' for me as they prayed - I told them that was what my name meant, which they didn't know. It's a lovely word, and a quality which I would love to think I could show in my life - a quality I aspire to, I guess.

I believe that for Christians, purity is something which we're all called to in our lives. For single people, that purity is about how we conduct ourselves and our relationships, how we live not just publicly but also privately, how we act and speak but also how we think. And yet purity is also relevant to married people too, because marriages are to be pure, and indeed every one of our relationships is to be pure.

In the chapter I look at various aspects of what I think a pure life looks like -
* A pure life is one which is free from jealousy, bitterness and resentment
* A pure life is one which is free from greed and selfishness
* A pure life is one which is honest and self aware
* A pure life is one which is counter-cultural and goes by God's values rather than by the world's
* A pure life is one which is free from discontent

I also talk about the distinction between being a tortoise and being a sunflower (it makes sense, I promise, but you'll have to read the book to find out more! Clue - sunflower's the one we're aiming for!).

Like with so much of what I talk about in the book, I think we have a choice to make. It's not an easy choice, but it is a real choice. We can choose how to live. We can choose which path to take. We can choose where we look to for comfort and support. We can choose whether or not we live our life with God.

I want to live a pure life. I don't always succeed, I don't always get it right, but with God's help, that's what I'll continue to choose.

Chapter 2 - Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage obsessed church

So, hot on the heels of last Thursday's blog about Chapter 1, I bring you... Chapter 2! When I was first asked to speak on the subject of singleness, I said no - I'd never heard a good or helpful talk on singleness (well, I'd hardly heard any, really!), and I wasn't too sure what there was to say about it! I was asked again, and I still wasn't convinced - and then one morning I work up with two titles in my head - "Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage-obsessed church" and "Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world." I thought they were really rather good! Since they clearly hadn't come from my brain, I felt that they must be from God, and so I replied to my friend saying that I would do the singleness talk - and not just one, but two!

The response is interesting when I mention these titles to people. Single people often nod enthusiastically as they agree that yes, the church can often feel like a place which is obsessed by, and revolves around, marriage. Married people either look outraged as if to say "how very dare you?" or they raise their eyebrows and smile nervously as if to indicate that they're sorry, and they didn't mean it to be this way, but actually, probably, that is a fair point.

Don't get me wrong. I think marriage is fabulous. It's vitally important and I'm all in favour of it. I've blogged before about weddings. My point is not that marriage is bad, but that we must be careful that we don't venerate it to the point where we make single people feel like second class citizens. Being married isn't "better" than being single (even though I have had people tell me that it is!). It is simply different.

In this chapter of the book I give an outline of what the church says about marriage - its history, and why it sees it as important. Then I go on to talk about some real experiences which real single people have had in real churches. And some of them are really not good!

I talk about the issue of single people being seen as having more time than married people, and so being asked to do all sorts of jobs, as if they have nothing to do outside of church. Now in some ways of course perhaps single people (those without children at least) do have more flexibility with their time. However, there are plenty of other things that they have to do with that time - not least the shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc...!

Next there's the issue of loneliness - a massive area, and one which lots of single people (at least those who live alone) identify as being a real problem for them. It's worthy of a post all of its own, so at some point in the future maybe I'll write some more about it. But for now I'll say that there's so much churches can do in order to 'be family' for single people, and to help out those who are feeling lonely. And as single people (without children), we have a massive opportunity to turn our loneliness into solitude and to seek times of peace and quiet with the Lord (something which our friends with small children can only dream of!).

I then discuss the issue of whether married people really understand singleness and what it feels like. Again, this is a big area and it's discussed in more detail in Chapter 6. Maybe sometimes the issue is that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people, and sometimes the issue is that single people *think* that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people! It is possible for us as single people to get a chip on our shoulders about this...! Having said that, though, there are times when married people say some genuinely, astonishingly crass and insensitive things to single people! In the book I have given a few examples. If any of my married friends or colleagues read the book and recognise themselves and their comments, I apologise! I love you, and I don't mean to offend you or make you feel bad. But really, some of these comments need naming and shaming!

The next issue I cover is the issue for single people of where they 'fit in' to the church - sometimes they feel they're not quite treated as grown ups, and if they don't have children they may feel excluded from family events - or even if they do, sometimes as single parents they feel left out.

My argument through the whole of this chapter is that the church should be better at this stuff than it is! I don't say that to put the blame 'out there' - any of us who would consider ourselves part of the church have to accept some of the responsibility for this! But surely, as church, we should the place people - ALL people - feel most loved, most welcomed, most accepted, most included, most valued, most at home. I really think that's what Jesus meant the church to be like!

Chapter 1 - Wholly Single

Unbelievably, it's only just over a month until my official book launch at Liverpool Cathedral (I don't think that will ever not sound weird to me!). And apparently, the book could be available to buy in the shops within the next couple of weeks. I can't imagine what it will feel like to walk into a shop and see my book on a shelf!

Anyway, I thought it might be fun, between now and then (by way of whetting your appetite!) to blog about each of the chapters in turn. So off we go with Chapter 1, entitled 'Wholly Single'.

In this chapter, I begin to explore what it means to live the 'full life' that Jesus promised us in John 10:10. How, as a single person, do I live a full life? What if I long to be married, to have someone with whom to share my life? What if I don't have children, but would dearly love to have them? What if the current circumstances of my life are not those which I would have chosen? What if I hope for marriage one day (soon)? Or what if I don't actually hope for marriage, but am simply trying to work out how to live this single life well? What does a full life look like for a single person?

If it's sometimes true to say that single people feel 'less' than whole people, then why is that? Is it because we ourselves are unhappy in our singleness, or unfulfilled, or desperate for life to be different? Or is it actually that it's society, the people around us, who have the problem with our singleness, rather than us? Is it simply that it can often be quite difficult to be single in our world today, for a whole host of complicated reasons?

In this chapter I share the results of a survey that I did amongst a number of single Christian friends. They kindly answered a whole host of questions about what being single felt like for them. They listed the following 'single issues' in order, based on how much of an issue they felt them to be - lack of touch, organising holidays, having someone to talk/share with, loneliness, sex (i.e. not having it!), childlessness and living alone. Obviously these weren't all issues for everyone - some single people do have children, and not all live alone. But it was interesting to see people's responses, and the comments they made about each of the issues.

Psalm 139 is one of the best-known and most beautiful parts of the Bible, talking about how God created us, and has known us since before we were born. It's so important for each one of us to really know and understand and experience for ourselves just how much God loves us.

In The Message paraphrase of the Bible, part of Psalm 139 reads like this -
"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
 I thank you, High God - you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvellously made!
I worship in adoration - what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book,  you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
the days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day."

So the challenge for me as a single Christian is - how will I live my life to the full, how will I be the very best 'me' that I can be, how will I be most fully and completely the person God knows I can be, so that he is glorified? I don't want to be defined by what I am not and what I don't have - not married, no children. I want to be defined by who I am - a child of God, made in his image, loved for all time, and created for a purpose.

This is why the book has the title it has. I've known for as long as I've thought about writing a book that it would be called Single Minded - I am a single-minded God-follower. Nothing and no one is more important to me than he is. He guides my life and shapes my days. I am single, that's just how it is. But I choose to be single minded in my devotion to him.

So, I've written a book!

Yes, apparently it's true. Apparently I really have written a book. I find this fairly astonishing. I actually have very little idea as to how it happened. In fact I wouldn't believe it all if it wasn't for the fact that I have a shiny book jacket with my name on sitting on my desk, and a quick online search reveals that something claiming to have been written by me is now available for pre-order. (But don't order online - order direct from me!!).

So many people have asked me how I went about it - how long did it take? when did I find the time? how did I get a publisher? how did I decide what to write about? had I always wanted to write a book?

The answers to most of those questions are boringly mundane really! I hadn't ever really thought very much about writing a book - it wasn't so much that I did or didn't want to, as that I couldn't ever conceive of doing it. I might as well have thought about unicycling around the British Isles! I knew people who had written books, certainly, and they were intelligent, academic, articulate people. I didn't feel as though I was any of those things, and I certainly didn't think I was 'clever enough' to write a book.

Even if I had got as far as thinking I might like to write a book, I wouldn't have had much of a clue as to what I might write about. I love reading books, but one of the consequences of reading a lot is that it can seem as though pretty much every book you could think of has already been written. I couldn't have really imagined what I might have to say that would add anything to what had already been said.

I'd read a few books on singleness, but not many - mainly because there didn't seem to be many around. I'd read a few from the US, which were interesting, but coming from a very different social and cultural background from ours here in the UK. I also hadn't really heard many talks on the subject. That was ok - it didn't seem to be a huge lack in my life. I was aware, however, and especially as I got older, that there were occasionally times when there was something of a miscommunication between me and my married friends, or when the language which was used in church suddenly felt a bit jarring.

[Throughout this time God was speaking to me about my own singleness and what that might look like for the future - but that's another story... (you'll have to read the book to find out more!)]

One day I was asked if I would speak at one of the New Wine summer conferences about singleness. I said no, because to be perfectly honest, having not read or heard much on the subject, I just wasn't quite sure what there was to say. Was this an area that really needed teaching on? And if it did, was I the person to do it? I wasn't at all sure. It seemed that God had different ideas though, because suddenly one morning I woke up with 2 seminar titles in my mind, and I was completely certain that I had to speak on those 2 subjects (that sort of thing doesn't happen to me often!). I did do those 2 talks, and have since done them in other places too, and those 2 titles became 2 chapter titles in the book - 'Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world' and 'Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage-obsessed church'. (I knew the titles came from God and not from me because they were actually rather good!).

As I did those first 2 talks, and then subsequently as I did others in the months which followed, something began to stir in me. I found myself getting more and more passionate about the topic. I loved speaking about singleness! I loved reading about it and thinking about it and talking about it. I enjoyed meeting other single people and hearing their stories and learning from them and encouraging them.

Then one day, my friend said, "you know all these talks you're doing - you've got a few chapter headings for a book there." And I thought "ha ha, that's really funny." But the thought didn't go away. I kept wondering about it, and thinking of ways in which it actually might work. The problem was that I had no idea how to actually go about writing a book, and I was worried that no one would be interested in it anyway. I spoke to another friend, who had written a number of books themselves (one of the intelligent ones I mentioned!). He very kindly introduced me to Monarch, who had published some of his books, and they agreed to read some draft chapters. I thought there wouldn't be any harm in sending them a couple to see what they said.

From there, the whole thing just snowballed. I look back on it now and I can't remember quite how it all happened. I don't even recall the precise moment at which I thought "yes, let's do this." I just know that I started to write, and I found that I had things to say, and I really, really enjoyed it. Of course it was hard work fitting it in around everything else I was doing, but let's face it, we always find times for the things we enjoy doing, and we should always find times for the things we're called to do - and this was both of those!

As the deadline approached (terrifyingly quickly) there were a few crazed evenings where I finished 'work' at 10pm and then started on the book, sometimes not finishing till 2am. That wasn't a huge amount of fun. But the sense of achievement on getting to the end was amazing. I am SO excited about this thing that I have produced! I really hope other people like it too, and find it useful, but whatever happens, it's been an amazing experience. I'm pretty sure that if I can do it, you can do it, so if this has always been your dream, then why not give it a go!

Over the next few weeks I'll blog a bit about each of the chapters, to whet your appetite a bit, ahead of the release of the book in June. It is SO exciting and SO terrifying!

What a let down...

I wonder how often you feel let down by something? Maybe it's something small, a little thing which someone said they'd do but then they didn't do, because they forgot, and it doesn't really matter, but it puts you out a bit, or it's disappointing. Maybe it's something much bigger, which has a huge impact on you and leaves you in a really difficult position, feeling upset or angry or hurt.

I'm sure you can think of lots of times when you've been let down. There are arrangements we make with friends which they cancel at the last minute, when we've been looking forward to it all week. There are promises which are made and then broken as if they never really mattered. There are jobs which don't get done, so that we have to pick up the pieces and work harder. There are people we've supported and walked with and helped who throw it all back in our face.

The personal let downs are even harder to take than the practical ones, aren't they? When we're let down by someone we thought really cared, or who we really care about. When we've given time and energy and love to someone and we wonder why we bothered. When someone says or does something which feels rather like we've been slapped in the face.

At that moment maybe we think (or even say out loud!) - I don't know why I bother. I won't let this happen again. This is their last chance. It'll be different next time. They're on their own now.

The Christian response is to offer forgiveness, to start over again, to wipe the slate clean. Sometimes we're able to do that fairly easily, and at other times it takes a huge amount of effort. Even when we do manage to forgive and to begin again, the feelings of hurt can be hard to shake off. Perhaps we forgive but we don't really forget, so the next time there's a let down it piles up on top of the first one, which has never really gone away, and so then it's even harder to start over.

I find that being let down feels exhausting. I actually feel physically tired sometimes when a person does or says something which really makes me feel let down. I'm naturally a fairly positive and optimistic person, and I try to believe the best about everyone, but sometimes I get worn down by it.

So, recently as I sat feeling grumpy and chuntering away to myself about the unfairness of it all, I found myself suddenly with an image in my mind of God looking on me and my life, and I had one of those moments of clarity about all the many, many ways in which I totally stuff up my life on a daily basis!

I realised how often I let God down - I say I'll do something and then I don't do it; I make promises I don't ever even intend to keep; I walk past people in need because I'm in too much of a hurry; I waste my money on nonsense and then say I can't afford to give more; I waste my time on nonsense and then say I can't afford to do more; I faff around instead of spending time with him; I'm impatient and grumpy; I do things I know I shouldn't do; I don't do things I know I should do; I moan about what I haven't got instead of rejoicing in what I have got.

To be honest, that list could go on and on, but you get the idea...

Those things let him down because he knows I'm better than that.

I let God down. Every day. A lot.

And yet, do you know what, he thinks I'm fabulous :)

(He thinks you are too).

He loves me totally and completely and unconditionally and overwhelmingly and massively. He loves me just as I am, without my having to change, and yet at the same time he gently calls me forward into the person he knows I can be - the better, kinder, more generous, more loving, wiser, braver 'me' that he somehow sees.

This blows my mind! It makes me rejoice in his incredible love.

And it also makes me think about how I'm going to try to react next time someone lets me down...

A picture of cake. Because it's your friend and it never lets you down!!