Life to the full

Yesterday was a very exciting and very tiring day, as I was a guest on Clare Balding's Radio 2 Good Morning Sunday show, and then I was interviewed in very quick succession by 7 different local BBC radio stations. Lots of fun! I'm sure I'll say more about it another time...

At the end of the Radio 2 interview I was asked to give a short reflection. Lots of people have kindly commented on the interview and many have said that they enjoyed the reflection, so I've posted it below.

The strapline for my book is "Being single, whole and living life to the full."

In John's gospel Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

I'm an extrovert, and an activist. I like the sound of a full life!

But what does the 'full life' that Jesus is talking about really look like, and how can we live a life that's full, in the best sense?

So often, I think, we're in danger of living life in the past or in the future. Now it's great to learn lessons from the past, and to look forward to the future, but we can't live there - we have to live life in the present.

Or, the other thing we sometimes do, is that we live in the present, but it isn't our present - we look at someone else's life and decide it looks better than our own.

We can be overwhelmed with regrets, or dreams, or envy, or disappointment. And the problem then is that we're not living a full life, but only half of one.

The apostle Paul wrote this to the church in Corinth - "Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life."

For me, that's what a full life looks like - my life, lived in the present, with God.

Beauty and graffiti

A few months ago we decided to establish a little 'community garden' across the road from church, on a patch of wasteland. It was mainly the idea of Rach, a fab member of our church, who heads up our work with young people. She approached the council, who own the land, and they agreed to let us use it, and even helped us out with resources, funding and workers. We worked with them, one of the local RSLs, and a nearby youth centre. A fabulous artist came and did sessions with the kids and young people producing 3 huge murals featuring all their favourite Liverpool landmarks. They were bolted to the wall, and a big flowerbed was sunk into the ground. The nursery class from our church school came over to do the planting. We had a launch event with local community groups and it was lots of fun. Seeing the garden every day makes me smile. It looks lovely, a ray of sunshine in the middle of a patch of derelict and deserted ground.

Or at least, it did look lovely - for a while. Because after only a few months, I went past one day to discover graffiti sprayed all over the murals. There were huge letters drawn in thick black paint. I couldn't see how it could be repaired, but Nicola, the amazing artist, came and worked her magic and it looked as good as new. Phew!

Until last week - when I drove past and suddenly realised I couldn't see the boards. When investigated I found that all 3 of them had been ripped off the wall. 2 were damaged 'just' from being ripped off - they had holes where the bolts had been (the bolts were still attached to the wall). The third was more badly damaged - it had 2 big tears across it, and large pieces knocked off at the corners. I gathered up all the small pieces although I doubt they'll be able to be repaired. The boards were too heavy to move, even when I gathered a couple of helpers, so we left them there and hoped for the best. We're currently waiting for someone to come and put them back up.

I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days. I was absolutely devastated when I first saw what had happened. The boards looked such a mess, and as if that wasn't bad enough, they had also trampled all over the plants in the flowerbed. I can't understand why anyone would want to cause such damage and destruction in such a wanton way. I'm not naive, I know vandalism happens - a lot! - and I've experienced it many times when my car, house and church have all been damaged in various ways. For some reason, though, this seemed even more wantonly destructive than normal. Maybe it was the fact that all we'd been trying to do was make the local area look a bit nicer. Maybe it was the fact that it had been local kids who had done the painting themselves. It just made me so sad.

I started to wonder, if we found out who it was who had done the damage, and if we asked them why, and if we were able to genuinely have a conversation about it - about what was in their minds as they did it, and what they hoped to achieve - what would we discover? Would it be that they were "just bored"? Understandable in one way, I guess, in an area with few resources - and something we're trying to remedy by creating activities they can engage with. Or would we, I wondered, find out something more, something deeper, if it was even possible for it to be articulated?

You see, I wonder whether there's something about us not being able to cope with beauty, somehow. I wonder if in some way that's what sin is - turning away from God, and from his goodness, and from his right, perfect, beautiful way to live, because we simply can't handle it. There's something about us longing for beauty and truth and goodness, and yet suddenly turning around and randomly destroying a beautiful thing for no apparent reason. I feel like that's sometimes how I live and behave. I destroy beautiful things. I damage what is good. I vandalise what is holy.

God's way, and God's will, is about good not evil; about light not dark; about hope not fear; about beauty not ugliness. Paul puts it this way in his letter to the church in Philippi - "you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse."

I want to be someone who seeks out beauty in God's world, and who speaks and acts in a way which creates beauty, rather than destroying and damaging it. 

When I started out writing this post it was going to be about how it's hard to keep on going when obstacles come along, but it's turned into something completely different! Maybe I'll write that post another day...

This is how our lovely garden looked when it was first created. Recently the flowers looked gorgeous!

Loneliness... or solitude... or loneliness?!

I've been thinking a lot about loneliness lately. It's such a tricky thing isn't it?! Even beginning to write about it I'm aware that lots of people will have lots of views which may not be the same as what I'm about to write! But perhaps you'll permit me to just share some of my thoughts and ideas? Feel free to then share what you think too, but let's be gentle with one another!

I want to ponder on loneliness primarily from the point of view of the single person who lives alone. I realise that rules out a lot of you who might be reading this, and I'm sorry. But that's the category in which I find myself and so it's the thing I know most about.

As you read some of the following ponderings you might think they apply to you too. I realise it's possible for married people to feel lonely, and I'm sure all clergy people sometimes feel lonely.

But... with all those caveats, and appropriate disclaimers, here are some of the jumbled thoughts from where my brain is right now...

It's hard when you've had a really tough day to come home and have no one to share it with. That's a pretty obvious statement, and I don't claim to have come up with a new and revolutionary insight there, but hey, I say it like it is! I guess it's harder if you're an extreme extrovert, like me - I don't know what I think about something till I've talked about it and I can't process something till I've verbally downloaded it! So Sunday evenings can be tough, or getting in after evening meetings, with so much racing around my head. Sometimes I want someone to cry with, about the horrid thing someone said, or the stuff I tried that went wrong, or the sad situation I heard about. Sometimes I want someone to laugh with, about the hilarious and slightly inappropriate thing that happened which no one else noticed but I couldn't point out cos it was a bit naughty, or the cute thing one of the kids did, or the crazy bonkers mad thing that happened. Sometimes I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me I did ok. And yeah, I know, I can talk to Jesus, and that's great, and I really totally don't want it to sound like I'm dismissing that because I know what a joy and privilege that is and I love the freedom I have to do that whenever I want because I don't have other ties and commitments at home and when it's a joy it's a beautiful awesome incredible joy. But. Sometimes I just want there to be a human being there in front of me to talk to. And there isn't. And sometimes that sucks. And that is just how it is. And do you know what, that's OK, and Jesus understands that too.

I heard a lovely thing this week from a clergy colleague who's married. He told me that since reading my book he's realised afresh the challenges single clergy face, and he's offered to a friend to meet for a drink after PCCs or other late meetings, to download and debrief. How fantastic is that?! I love that my book has made him offer that. I love that his colleague now has someone to offload to.

Days off are tricky too. Sometimes I want to spend my day off all by myself, just vegging out and pottering and pleasing myself and having a lie in and watching telly in my pyjamas. But mostly I don't. Mostly I want to go somewhere and see someone and do something. But often I'm tired and I don't get round to planning it, or I'm worried that everyone else will already have plans, or I don't have the energy to travel miles to see friends. (Don't even get me started on holidays. I haven't the energy. That's a whole different post...)

At my best, times of 'aloneness' can become times of 'solitude' rather than 'loneliness'. They can become times which I share with Jesus, and which become intimate times of blessing and joy. But that takes energy and effort, and it's a choice that has to be made. It's a really important choice, and one which I often manage to make, and am always glad when I have. But just, sadly, not quite always...

One thing which I totally love in the battle against loneliness is social media! I love Facebook and I love Twitter, and I'm new to this blogging lark, but I'm growing to love it too! Some people mutter and moan about it and say we should just be present with the people we're with and that people share too much etc etc - but for me it's sometimes the difference between sanity and complete mental meltdown! I love that I can post a brief sentence about something that's just happened and get an instant response  - whether it's something funny or sad or crazy or cute, I can get lots of immediate and sympathetic replies and it's fab! I don't feel so lonely, and I'm connected with the world!

The other thing that helps a huge amount is fabulous friends, the ones who really get it. The ones who don't mind when I text at crazy o'clock cos I just want to talk to someone. The ones who notice when I'm not OK (someone texted tonight who made such a difference to how I felt - thank you!!!). The ones who remember something big that's happened for me and ask about it. The ones who let me externally process at nineteen to the dozen before I eventually remember politeness decrees I ought to ask how they're doing too! The ones who make fun day off plans with me. The ones who meet for a quick coffee so that a day which otherwise would have been spent alone involves some human contact! And the ones who have adorable small people who are available for hugs and comedy to cheer me up!

Loneliness can be a horrid, sad, painful thing. We all feel loneliness at some time in our lives. It feels a bit like this post has been more like a diary entry than a blog!! I'm OK, I'm just pondering... But hopefully if you're currently feeling lonely it'll reassure you that you're not alone. And if you're not, it will encourage you to reach out to someone who might be.

And as church, let's try, shall we, please, to commit ourselves to trying to eradicate loneliness - to making sure each and every person feels welcomed and loved and valued and included, and always has someone to talk to, someone to laugh, cry and pray with, and somewhere to go when they need to not be alone. Everything would just be so much better if we tried that.

The good, the bad and the ugly...

... that is, praise, criticism, and the random weird other stuff that's neither one thing nor the other. And, more specifically, what to do with it.

Here's the thing. The book came out in June, so obviously lots of people have now read it. And I'm hoping more will do so. Many have been kind enough to get in touch to let me know that they've enjoyed it/been moved by it/found it helpful/challenging/encouraging etc. That's truly wonderful. I have been really moved by some of the emails I've received. To know that something I've written has been helpful to someone else in their journey through life, and perhaps specifically in their walk with God - well, that's pretty amazing, and I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing about it!

Also, there have been some great reviews which have been published, which is also fantastic. There's one here - https://www.10ofthose.com/products/15243/SinglendashMinded/ and (so far) 3 here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0857214306/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=10269ADJ01WKJXZG0GWD&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=418448307&pf_rd_i=468294.
I'm so grateful to people who've taken the time to comment on what they have and haven't found helpful about the book. I know there's also a review in Woman Alive magazine this month, and one coming soon in Christianity magazine. Even writing those words sounds crazy in my head! I've read hundreds of book reviews in my time, and written a fair few myself, and yet now people are writing them about MY book. What's that all about?!

The problem is, how do I get my head around it all? Lots of the things which have been said about the book have been nice. Really nice. Flattering and kind and generous. What do I do with that? How far do I go saying "thank you" and "you're so kind" and "I'm just glad it was helpful" before it all goes to my head and I explode in a big ball of pride?! How do I take on that which it's truly helpful for me to hear, without being swayed and distracted by stuff that will just puff me up? And yet at the same time how do I avoid the "cheesy Christian" responses of "oh no, it wasn't me, I didn't do anything, it was all the Lord"?! Don't get me wrong - I really believe God encouraged me to write this book, and that he has worked and will work through it, but hey, I was the one who stayed up till 2am for a fortnight to get it finished ;-)

And how do I walk the fine line between promoting the book, which I must do out of fairness to the publisher (and my own bank balance!), and promoting myself? Even by posting those websites above I'm laying myself open to criticism of bigging myself up and boasting. But I want people to buy the book, so I need them to hear from other people who have enjoyed it and would recommend it!

But there's another problem too, isn't there, because fairly obviously not all of the comments have been good ones. I always knew this would be the case, of course I did. It was something I was quite concerned about, actually - how would I feel when people slated the book, either because they didn't agree theologically with something I'd written, or simply because they thought it wasn't a good book. Would I cope with nasty comments and criticisms? To be fair (so far!) there haven't been any negative reviews (or at least none that I've seen!). But there have been some negative comments on a post I wrote here - http://www.threadsuk.com/10-things-single-people-wish-married-people-wouldnt-say/.

Threads is a fantastic website and I was delighted to be invited to post there. I reproduced the list from the book on '10 things single people wish married people wouldn't say'. I hope the list is funny - that was the idea! It's a certain type of humour, I realise, and one which not everyone will understand or appreciate, but it was definitely meant to be funny rather than bitter or nasty. It wasn't meant to be mean to married people either, although obviously there's truth behind each of the statements (all of which have been said to me and to lots of single people I know!) - and obviously I hope that the end result might be that fewer crass comments are made and fewer people hurt!

It was brilliant to get such a good response to the article (in fact, this then happened - http://www.threadsuk.com/threadsis1/ - which was nothing short of crazy!). There were loads of good comments, and loads of people saying they identified with what I'd written, and that the same things had been said to them - quite enough, in fact, for me to be really glad that I'd written it and posted it. But of course, there were also quite a lot of negative comments - people who didn't 'get' what I was trying to say, or didn't agree, or simply didn't like it. And that's fine, of course it is, everyone's entitled to their opinion. But it was still very odd to read some quite critical comments about something which I'd written and which was really important to me.

I realise it could have been a lot worse (and I'm not so naïve that I don't realise it could very easily get a lot worse, at any moment!). There's been lots of publicity around recently about some of the truly awful abuse which people have been subjected to online. But for the moment, that's not what I'm thinking about. What I'm concerned with here is simply the weirdness of being wildly praised one minute, and harshly criticised the next, by people who don't know me, and don't know anything about me, and yet have a right to say what they're saying because I've chosen to put something of me 'out there' into the public sphere.

And so my question, again, is 'what do I do with this'? How do I hold all this stuff together, in a right tension? How do I take on that which is genuinely good and helpful for me to hear, but protect myself from the stuff which will either wrongly puff me up or wrongly bring me down? How do I make sure God gets the glory he deserves through it all? How do I guard my heart, in the midst of this incredibly private and personal thing which I have chosen to share with the world?

I don't know if I know the answer, or at least not completely...! But I do know, that like in all the best Sunday School jokes, the answer pretty much has to be Jesus. I'm doing it all for him. I made all the decisions I made, which I talk about in the book, because of him. I first spoke on this subject because of him. I wrote the book because of him. I live because of him. So when good stuff comes my way, or when bad stuff comes my way, I need to remember to take it all to him. He'll know what to do with it! He'll help me carry it. He'll show me which stuff to keep hold of and which to chuck away. He's cleverer at that than I am.

I think it's a lot about this, in the end, as Paul knew when he wrote to the Galatians - "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

It's all about Him.

The book is launched!

So sorry to have gone quiet on here for almost 4 weeks! My excuse is that June was pretty much the busiest month of my life! But having now landed and being more or less back on track with life, I thought it was definitely time for another post.

On the 20th June 'Single Minded' was officially launched, in the fabulous surrounding of Liverpool's Anglican Cathedral. It was such a completely fabulous evening! A massive thank you to everyone from the Cathedral for letting me use such a great venue and for helping with the organisation; to everyone at Monarch for all their support; and to everyone who came along on the night. If you were there, I hope you had a great time too.

It was a very surreal evening in lots of ways. For most of the week leading up to it, and especially on the afternoon (probably to the great annoyance of everyone who was with me) I was absolutely terrified that no one was going to come. It just seemed incredible to me that people would come out just for me and my little book! (To be fair, they probably actually came out for the free wine, but never mind).

I'd never before been to a book launch so had very little idea of what was supposed to happen - fortunately, nice people told me what to do when! Basically it seems to involve a few speeches, quite a lot of wine, and then lots of chatting and mingling (for all the guests) and signing your name so many times that your wrist goes numb (for me).

As I said on the night, the Cathedral has really special memories for me, having been ordained deacon there in 2005 and priest in 2006. It's an awesome building, in the true sense of that word, and it fitted the occasion perfectly. It was a privilege to have the Dean, Pete there, as well as Jenny from Monarch, both of whom said nice things about the book, and of course it was lovely to also have chance myself to talk about why I wrote the book, what my hopes for it are, and to thank everyone for their support. So many great people came along, from so many different parts of my life, and some travelled quite a long way, which was lovely.

I spent a lot of the evening having that weird, slightly out-of-body sort of feeling, when you can't quite believe that you are where you are, doing what you're doing. How was this possible? How had I actually written a book?

I'm thrilled with the end-product of the book - I like the cover, the font, the layout. I hope people enjoy reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. But ultimately I hope that everyone who reads it finds God within, and that whoever they are, and whatever their reason for reading it, they hear him speak as they do so.

So, this is a rambling, musing sort of a post, and really it's just to say - yay! the book is here, and thanks! to everyone who's been part of getting to this point. If you've read the book, do let me know what you thought - feel free to comment on here, or to email me, or to post a comment on amazon. If you haven't yet read the book you can get it in all the usual places, or directly from me if you prefer - let me know if so.

Chapter 7 - Happily Ever After

Well we've reached the end of the book! Chapter 7 is called Happily Ever After - isn't that what's supposed to happen in fairytales? But can it happen in real life?

In this chapter I think about what our 'ever after' life with God might look like if we're single. Is God 'enough'? Is he 'all that we need'? There are lots of worship songs which seem to contain that sort of sentiment - that God is all that we need. I don't want to sing or say something that I haven't thought about, or am not sure if I really mean, so I've spent some time pondering this. I know that at one level, of course God is all I need - he is everything to me. And yet at the same time, there are those moments of loneliness, those times when you just want someone else to be there, to share in an experience with you, to offer a word of comfort, to give you a hug. In those moments, is God still all that I need? And what will that actually, really, practically look like?

In this chapter I list some of the things which are fantastic about being single, and some of the things which are difficult. The lists are based on conversations with a number of single friends.

I've ended the chapter, and the book, by sharing some of my story. I didn't intend to do this! When I began writing the book, I didn't think that I would end up being as open as I have been. As I went along, though, it just felt right. There has been so much happening in my life in this area over the past few years, and it felt right to share that. I really hope it's helpful. There's a balance between being open and honest, and over sharing! I know that sometimes I've read books where I've wanted to know a bit more of the author's own story, and struggles, and journey. Equally though there have been times where what they've shared hasn't been helpful, because it's left me feeling inadequate, or disappointed in some way.

I believe that God has spoken to me quite specifically about singleness over the past few years, and my journey is one that's unique. Your journey is unique too. I haven't shared my story because I think that others should do the same, but rather because I want to encourage everyone to know that God is interested in their story, that he does speak, and will speak, and that wherever the journey takes you, he will be there beside you.

One word that already a lot of people have used after reading the book is 'honesty'. In fact they've used it so much that I've begun to wonder whether I'm in danger of giving you all TMI!! But I hope not, and I believe not. I don't think there would have been much point in writing this book and not being honest. In fact I think that there should be a heck of a lot more honesty in our churches - about how we're really feeling, and what we're really thinking and what's really going on for us.

That's all I'm going to tell you about Chapter 7 for now. You'll have to read the book to find out more. And there's to be no cheating and reading the last page first ;-)

Chapter 6 - Living Together

This chapter isn't about what you might think it's about on reading that title! It's about how married people and single people can 'live together' in terms of understanding, supporting, loving and caring for one another. So often single people can feel hurt by things which married people say and do - obviously they don't mean to be hurtful, but sadly that's how it can feel. It's not only one way though - I'm sure single people also sometimes do and say things which aren't helpful to our married friends. If we're going to really be 'family', if we're going to truly love and support one another, if we want to understand one another better, then we need to talk about this stuff. If we're able to have open and honest conversations, and if we genuinely want to do relationships better, then it can only help. Otherwise we'll run the risk of one of two extremes - either when we're hurt we'll never say anything, but simply store up the pain until it becomes a big lump of bitterness; or when we're hurt we'll immediately complain and lash out, causing even more pain and upset. Neither of those sound like great options, do they?! So let's start some honest conversations...

In this chapter I've listed 10 things which single people wish married people wouldn't say to them. Every one of these things has been said to me at some point by a married person. Some have been said several times. From chatting to other single friends I think I've captured a decent top 10 here. The list is meant to be funny (rather than bitterly angry!!), but it's also meant to make a serious point. Here's the list (each one is expanded on in the book) -
1. You're so lovely, why are you still single?
2. Don't worry, you're still so young.
3. Do you have a family?
4. If you get your relationship with God sorted out, then he'll send you a spouse.
5. I was still single till the age of X, so I know exactly how you feel.
6. Do you think maybe you're being too picky?
7. Have you thought about speed dating/internet dating/blind dating?
8. You're so lucky to be footloose and fancy free.
9. My husband/wife/children are driving me mad. It's so hard being married/having children - if I were you I wouldn't bother.
10. I think God has given me a word for you - you'll be married by the age of X/be pregnant by next Christmas/have 6 children.

I also list a whole load of things which single people have told me they love about their married friends, and ways in which they've had relationships with married people and families work really well, as well as a list of ways in which things haven't worked so well. Then there's a chance for the married people to get their own back, as they've listed some things which they'd like to say to single people.

I really hope this chapter will help single and married people to understand one another better and to develop great relationships which will bless everyone involved. I know how blessed I am by the relationships I have with some great married couples and families who open their homes and lives to me. As church, I really think we ought to be good at this stuff, and showing the world around us how to do loving relationships well.