Love and marriage...

I've spent the evening leading a 'marriage preparation' class for the couples who are getting married here in church this year. We even had a couple join us who are getting married abroad but phoned to ask if they could come because "we've heard about marriage preparation and it seems like a good idea." We had a great evening. I really enjoy the privilege of walking alongside people as they prepare for marriage. I love hearing their stories and finding out where they met, how they knew this was 'the one', why they decided to get married, why they choose to do so in church. I love the fact that, when they aren't Christians but have chosen to marry in church, I have a brilliant way in to talking to them about God's love for us, and his plan for our lives. I really enjoy taking wedding services too. They're pretty scary at first as there's so much to remember and get right, but it's amazing to be part of such a special and joyful day for people. I've had some pretty hilarious things happen at weddings I've been taking. Discretion prevents me from sharing them here, but believe me, even after just 8 years of being ordained, I could write a book...

It's interesting for me to reflect on this side of my ministry at the moment. I'm approaching my 35th birthday (you may feel free to post comments indicating that I don't look a day over 27...). I am currently, and always have been, single. I have just written a book on singleness (due to be published in June. More details about the book itself will come soon...). This is really not how I thought my life would pan out! If you'd asked me at any point during my childhood or even early adulthood, I definitely would have said that I expected to be married with kids by now. And believe me, I had my wedding all planned out! To be honest, it would have been a bit awkward if I'd got to the point of actually getting engaged, since any potential fiancé would have had a fairly limited role in the wedding planning process. There were very few aspects on which I would have required his input...!

So, as someone who is currently single but always thought I would (and would very much have liked to) have been married by now, how does it feel to talk about marriage a fair bit of the time? Well, it's OK! I really believe in marriage. I think it's a fabulous, beautiful, God-ordained thing. I have loved celebrating with so many friends at their weddings over the years. I've been a bridesmaid twice - once as a child (very exciting, but to be honest I'm still getting over the mental scars of the peach shoes and scary white hat); and once as an adult (fabulous dress - good call R&S!). I've led prayers and done Bible readings at friends' weddings, and, as you might expect, on several occasions I've been wheeled out to say grace at the reception, in a 'rent-a-vicar' kind of way (which I've been more than happy to do!).

I love the part of my job that allows me to be involved with everything that surrounds weddings and marriages. It's a joy to plan, pray and prepare with a couple for many months and then stand at the front of church as they walk up the aisle as two single people and walk down it again joined together in some mysterious and incredible way.

Of course, there is a part of me that feels - if not 'sad' as such, then perhaps 'wistful' at weddings, both those I attend in a social capacity and those in a work capacity. 'My' wedding sometimes plays through my mind as I watch theirs. I know that for some single people going to others' weddings is a really hard thing, as it reminds them of how much they would like one - not to mention the fact that a wedding reception is one of the places you're most likely to feel like a complete spare part if you're not with a group! I know that for some single church leaders taking weddings is a hugely painful and difficult part of the job.

I know that I'm fortunate that I don't feel that way. I want to enjoy weddings for the wonderful occasions that they are, and for all the future hope and promise and joy which is contained within them. I hope that, whatever happens in my life, I'll always be able to "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn", as St. Paul urges the Romans to do in his letter to them in the Bible.

I guess what I really want is to be completely 'me' - the person I am, "fearfully and wonderfully made" in God's image, whole and complete as I am. That way, whether married or single, whether rejoicing or mourning, in good times and in bad, I will still be 'whole'.

The title of my book is 'Single Minded'. More on why I chose that title another time. But the subtitle is 'Being single, whole and living life to the full'. Wholeness is what I believe God wants for me in my life, and for you in yours. John Ortberg has written a book called 'The me I want to be - becoming God's best version of you.' That's my prayer for my life.

Love is...

OK, I know it's a bit of a cliché to do a post about love the day after Valentine's Day, but I've been thinking lots about love, having done an assembly on it this morning, and preparing to preach on it at a friend's church on Sunday afternoon.

Valentine's Day is such an odd thing, isn't it?! I have a few friends who seem to really go for it, and they buy each other gifts and flowers and go out for a meal. And yet most of my friends seem to not really bother with it at all. I'm not sure how I'd feel about it if I was part of a couple, because I never have been! I suspect my view would be "I know it's all a lot of commercialised, over-hyped nonsense and we should just ignore it, but hey, a girl can never have too many flowers or chocolates." (Shallow? Who? Me?) Oooh oooh oooh I've just had a great idea - Valentine's Day Shoes. Yes. Any man who bought me a pair of shoes every Valentine's Day would be in my good books for a loooong time. *goes a bit daydreamy*

I was amused recently because at a Diocesan meeting a while back we were told that the next but one meeting would be on Feb 14th. There were instant murmurs of disapproval (all from men, interestingly!). They mostly seemed to be of the "I can't come to a meeting on that night or my wife will kill me" persuasion. At the next meeting we were told that the date had been changed to Feb 12th which I was much more put out about - I am clearly far more likely to have pressing plans on Pancake Day than on Valentine's Day!

So is love really all you need? And what has it actually got to do with it? And is it really all around? I was talking to the young people at school this morning about the limitations of our English word 'love'. Here are just a few of the things that I love - red wine, my best friends, going to the theatre, my church family, crisps, God, long hot baths, my parents, shoes, holidays, my Godchildren, country pubs, my grandma, real ale, playing badminton, my brown boots, chocolate orange. I hope it will be perfectly apparent that I don't love all of those things in the same way (and that I didn't put them in order of importance!).

The Bible says that God is love. Not just that he loves us, or that he knows about love, or that he wants us to love, or that he shows us how to love. He IS love. There's no way for him to do anything other than to love - it is his very nature. He just can't help himself. The Bible also says that God loved the world so much that he sent Jesus to live and to die for us. That's love beyond anything we can possibly imagine. That sort of love makes my head hurt just trying to imagine it. There's a line in the Ben Cantelon song 'I've found a love' that sums it up - "I've found a love greater than life itself."

I decided 23 years ago this year to give my heart to Jesus. I was bowled over by his love - completely and totally overwhelmed by it. It's the best decision I ever made and I haven't regretted it for a second. I have loved Jesus every moment of that time. I've loved him when life has been great and when it's been tough. I've loved him when I've been well and when I've been ill. I've loved him while walking alongside friends going through unspeakable tragedies. I've loved him while laughing so hard I've almost peed my pants. I've loved him when I've felt scared and alone. I've loved him with tears pouring down my face watching the news. I've loved him when people I've loved have died. I've loved him when friends have had the joy of new lives coming into their lives. Some days it's been easy and some days it's been really hard - on those days it's been a decision made through gritted teeth. Anyone who has ever loved will know that there are times when it has to be a choice, when we choose to love even though we don't really want to.

Why have I loved him? Because of his love for me. Because it blows my mind that someone could know everything there is to know about me and still love me. Because he sees me as I am but also as I can be. Because of the cross.

There's an awesome Bethel Music song called 'One Thing Remains' which has a line repeated over and over again - "Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me."

Yeah, that.

My Valentine's gift from me to me. Because I'm worth it! (God says so!)

The beauty of your peace

I am a serious activist. I find it hard to sit down for 2 minutes, and I like to be doing at least 12 things at once. I genuinely concentrate better if I have several tasks on the go at once, and I really HATE to be bored! That's fine - it's how I'm wired, and how God made me to be. It's no better or worse than being someone who takes life at a slower pace, or who does one task till it's finished, than starts another one. It simply is what it is. Those of you who are like me will be smiling in recognition right now; those of you who work differently will be shaking your heads in confusion!

It's quite fun, being an activist. I like it. I find it energising and stimulating. For me, it goes hand in hand with being a serious extrovert (but more of that another day). However, the big drawback with it for me is that it can mean I find it hard to just sit and 'be'. I want to be able to do as Psalm 46 tells me and "be still and know that I am God." However I find it a whole lot easier to 'run around a lot all day and most of the time remember that I am God.' So is that OK? Should I just embrace my inner (and outer!) activist and go with it, or is it important that I train myself to sometimes simply be? How does this balance work for you I wonder?

I've wrestled with it on and off for years. And it turns out that the link between the times I manage to set aside time to be still with God, and how I feel about life, and how the day/week ahead pans out, is not hard to spot. Who knew?! When I make time with God a priority, things just feel better. And if I don't do it one day, I remember that grace is one of God's greatest gifts to us...

I write these times of quiet and stillness into my diary but then pressures and meetings and deadlines crowd in and it's too easy for them to be squeezed out. And yet when I take what you might call a 'quiet day' or a retreat day or whatever, the benefits are huge - to my sense of peace, to my relationship with God, to my productivity. On Monday I went to a lovely local convent for the day. I sat looking at an amazing view (which I forgot to photograph - sorry!). I sat and thought "I'll just listen to some worship music for 10 minutes" and then looked at my watch to see an hour had passed. Bliss!

The first song I listened to was Tim Hughes' fabulous song 'The Beauty of your Peace' which has lines in it from the old hymn 'Dear Lord and Father' - the wonderful words rolled over me again as I sat quietly with God - "Take from our souls the strain and stress and let our ordered lives confess the beauty of your peace." I reflected for a bit on the idea of 'peace' being 'beautiful' - what a lovely image that is. How accurately it reflects the way true peace can makes us feel, and conversely, how the absence of peace can seem ugly and cruel. I also liked the idea of us 'confessing' that beauty - that is, not just accepting it, but also enjoying it, sharing it, revelling in it.

Later I listened to Jeremy Riddle's stunning song 'It is well with my soul' - again, peace is mentioned, and the faith-filled declaration that "Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say 'it is well, it is well with my soul." That's one of those amazing phrases that I want to learn to use as naturally as I breathe!

As I left that faith-filled convent on Monday, it truly was 'well with my soul'. I hope the feeling lasts for a while...!

(Cos I forgot to take a convent-view picture, here's a lovely view from my lovely Vicarage instead)

Anti-virus software for the heart

Recently I had to update the anti-virus software on my computer. I always find it slightly terrifying, as if in the 3 minutes the download takes to activate hundreds of computer hackers will find their way into my computer and unleash plagues upon it which will scramble my settings and gobble up all my work. I know, I know - one, I need to rein in my imagination; two, I need to seriously work on my computer-techie understanding; and three - well, frankly I need to get out more.

But really, where on earth would we be without anti-virus software? It's just a marvellous thing. I have (unsurprisingly) not the faintest idea how it works, and I really don't care much either. All I know is that somehow it protects my computer from the nastiness which could potentially overtake it if it were not there.

Now, I hope this isn't too much of a clunky link, and at the risk of being one of those comedy vicars who's forever saying "and that's a bit like Jesus..." - honestly, ever since I did the Norton thing last week (other anti-virus software is available), I've been thinking about the 'anti-virus' protection that my heart needs.

I am, as the 1662 Prayer Book would put it, a 'miserable sinner'. That sentence will come as no surprise to anyone who's ever met me. However - and I'm sorry if this is a bit over familiar - so are you. The prophet Isaiah puts it like this - "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way." What he means, basically, is that we all stuff up, screw up, mess up and cock up on a fairly regular basis.

I am susceptible to all manner of temptations and I am drawn to any number of things which I know are not good for me. I am open to 'viruses' coming at me from all angles and spreading their poison. The result is that I get a bit messed up inside. I can screw up my eyes and stick my fingers in my ears  shouting 'la la la la la, not listening' as much as I like, but it won't help (I've tried!). The viruses get me every time, if my anti-virus software isn't up to date.

I make sure I protect my computer. I wouldn't dream of letting my anti-virus subscription run out and then connecting to the internet - it would be madness. I know that if I were to do that I'd be opening up my computer to all sorts of risks and dangers. And yet how crazy it is that I take such good care of my computer, while so often leaving my heart and mind open to attacks from all sides.

So I've  been pondering a lot the need to 'guard my heart' as the book of Proverbs reminds me to do 'above all else'. It's good advice.

Starts, new starts, false starts and restarts...

I've had a very odd January. In fact, ideally, I'd like to go back and start again if possible. Although, when I say 'start again', obviously I don't mean 'have the same 3 weeks as I've just had'. No, the reason for wanting to start again is to try to achieve a somewhat different January from the one I've had.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been awful or dreadful or traumatising. It's just been a bit, well... bleurgh. Is that a word? The red underliney thing doesn't seem to think so. Although it doesn't seem to think underliney is a word either, so I don't know that I shall trust it. Anyway, bleurgh it has indeed been. (It's definitely a word now. I've used it twice. How exciting - my first ever blog post and I've invented a new word.)

It all started so well. After a splendidly lazy New Year's Day, I sprang back into action on January 2nd. (Hmm, at this point honesty requires me to confess that it was more of a stumble than a spring. Nevertheless, January 2nd dawned and was embarked upon). I caught up with numerous emails, I planned lots of meetings, I wrote some talks. I was on fire! I had decided to embark upon a bit of a fitness regime, which was long overdue, so I went shopping for healthy food and actually did some real, proper exercise. What a day it was. This was my New Start.

And then on January 3rd there was a fairly large hiccup. I began to feel really quite ill. I had caught some kind of coldy/fluey/sicky thing from my friend. This was definitely not part of the plan. I soldiered on for a while, then it got worse as I lost my voice, and worse again as I developed conjunctivitis. I managed to still do bits and pieces of work but there was a serious time delay between my brain and anything else.

Then, about two and a half weeks later, just as I was beginning to feel human again, it began to snow. I do NOT like snow. That is to say, I like snow in its place, which is, for instance, Finland. I can just about cope with snow if I'm on holiday in a log cabin with a warm fire, a huge amount of chocolate and wine, and nowhere to be for a month. But here in Everton, the very highest point in Liverpool, with a practically sheer drop from the back of my house to the Mersey, snow is not welcome at all. So for the last few days I have been sliding around the streets of Everton in my trusty snow boots, attacking the church path with grit, shovel & broom, praying for it all to end soon!

Today has been something of a breakthrough! I bravely ventured out in my car for the first time. Go me! I had coffee with a friend, who helped me set up this blog. A new start! On Monday I re-embarked on the healthy campaign. And believe me I have the achey legs to prove it (the red underliner doesn't like achey either, but they are achey, so there.)

So I'm hoping that, in the absence of a button to press which will allow me a restarted January, things will simply improve from here on in. The signs are good so far. I'm glad that even though it isn't possible to turn the clock back, it's always possible to start over again...