So, I've written a book!

Yes, apparently it's true. Apparently I really have written a book. I find this fairly astonishing. I actually have very little idea as to how it happened. In fact I wouldn't believe it all if it wasn't for the fact that I have a shiny book jacket with my name on sitting on my desk, and a quick online search reveals that something claiming to have been written by me is now available for pre-order. (But don't order online - order direct from me!!).

So many people have asked me how I went about it - how long did it take? when did I find the time? how did I get a publisher? how did I decide what to write about? had I always wanted to write a book?

The answers to most of those questions are boringly mundane really! I hadn't ever really thought very much about writing a book - it wasn't so much that I did or didn't want to, as that I couldn't ever conceive of doing it. I might as well have thought about unicycling around the British Isles! I knew people who had written books, certainly, and they were intelligent, academic, articulate people. I didn't feel as though I was any of those things, and I certainly didn't think I was 'clever enough' to write a book.

Even if I had got as far as thinking I might like to write a book, I wouldn't have had much of a clue as to what I might write about. I love reading books, but one of the consequences of reading a lot is that it can seem as though pretty much every book you could think of has already been written. I couldn't have really imagined what I might have to say that would add anything to what had already been said.

I'd read a few books on singleness, but not many - mainly because there didn't seem to be many around. I'd read a few from the US, which were interesting, but coming from a very different social and cultural background from ours here in the UK. I also hadn't really heard many talks on the subject. That was ok - it didn't seem to be a huge lack in my life. I was aware, however, and especially as I got older, that there were occasionally times when there was something of a miscommunication between me and my married friends, or when the language which was used in church suddenly felt a bit jarring.

[Throughout this time God was speaking to me about my own singleness and what that might look like for the future - but that's another story... (you'll have to read the book to find out more!)]

One day I was asked if I would speak at one of the New Wine summer conferences about singleness. I said no, because to be perfectly honest, having not read or heard much on the subject, I just wasn't quite sure what there was to say. Was this an area that really needed teaching on? And if it did, was I the person to do it? I wasn't at all sure. It seemed that God had different ideas though, because suddenly one morning I woke up with 2 seminar titles in my mind, and I was completely certain that I had to speak on those 2 subjects (that sort of thing doesn't happen to me often!). I did do those 2 talks, and have since done them in other places too, and those 2 titles became 2 chapter titles in the book - 'Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world' and 'Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage-obsessed church'. (I knew the titles came from God and not from me because they were actually rather good!).

As I did those first 2 talks, and then subsequently as I did others in the months which followed, something began to stir in me. I found myself getting more and more passionate about the topic. I loved speaking about singleness! I loved reading about it and thinking about it and talking about it. I enjoyed meeting other single people and hearing their stories and learning from them and encouraging them.

Then one day, my friend said, "you know all these talks you're doing - you've got a few chapter headings for a book there." And I thought "ha ha, that's really funny." But the thought didn't go away. I kept wondering about it, and thinking of ways in which it actually might work. The problem was that I had no idea how to actually go about writing a book, and I was worried that no one would be interested in it anyway. I spoke to another friend, who had written a number of books themselves (one of the intelligent ones I mentioned!). He very kindly introduced me to Monarch, who had published some of his books, and they agreed to read some draft chapters. I thought there wouldn't be any harm in sending them a couple to see what they said.

From there, the whole thing just snowballed. I look back on it now and I can't remember quite how it all happened. I don't even recall the precise moment at which I thought "yes, let's do this." I just know that I started to write, and I found that I had things to say, and I really, really enjoyed it. Of course it was hard work fitting it in around everything else I was doing, but let's face it, we always find times for the things we enjoy doing, and we should always find times for the things we're called to do - and this was both of those!

As the deadline approached (terrifyingly quickly) there were a few crazed evenings where I finished 'work' at 10pm and then started on the book, sometimes not finishing till 2am. That wasn't a huge amount of fun. But the sense of achievement on getting to the end was amazing. I am SO excited about this thing that I have produced! I really hope other people like it too, and find it useful, but whatever happens, it's been an amazing experience. I'm pretty sure that if I can do it, you can do it, so if this has always been your dream, then why not give it a go!

Over the next few weeks I'll blog a bit about each of the chapters, to whet your appetite a bit, ahead of the release of the book in June. It is SO exciting and SO terrifying!

What a let down...

I wonder how often you feel let down by something? Maybe it's something small, a little thing which someone said they'd do but then they didn't do, because they forgot, and it doesn't really matter, but it puts you out a bit, or it's disappointing. Maybe it's something much bigger, which has a huge impact on you and leaves you in a really difficult position, feeling upset or angry or hurt.

I'm sure you can think of lots of times when you've been let down. There are arrangements we make with friends which they cancel at the last minute, when we've been looking forward to it all week. There are promises which are made and then broken as if they never really mattered. There are jobs which don't get done, so that we have to pick up the pieces and work harder. There are people we've supported and walked with and helped who throw it all back in our face.

The personal let downs are even harder to take than the practical ones, aren't they? When we're let down by someone we thought really cared, or who we really care about. When we've given time and energy and love to someone and we wonder why we bothered. When someone says or does something which feels rather like we've been slapped in the face.

At that moment maybe we think (or even say out loud!) - I don't know why I bother. I won't let this happen again. This is their last chance. It'll be different next time. They're on their own now.

The Christian response is to offer forgiveness, to start over again, to wipe the slate clean. Sometimes we're able to do that fairly easily, and at other times it takes a huge amount of effort. Even when we do manage to forgive and to begin again, the feelings of hurt can be hard to shake off. Perhaps we forgive but we don't really forget, so the next time there's a let down it piles up on top of the first one, which has never really gone away, and so then it's even harder to start over.

I find that being let down feels exhausting. I actually feel physically tired sometimes when a person does or says something which really makes me feel let down. I'm naturally a fairly positive and optimistic person, and I try to believe the best about everyone, but sometimes I get worn down by it.

So, recently as I sat feeling grumpy and chuntering away to myself about the unfairness of it all, I found myself suddenly with an image in my mind of God looking on me and my life, and I had one of those moments of clarity about all the many, many ways in which I totally stuff up my life on a daily basis!

I realised how often I let God down - I say I'll do something and then I don't do it; I make promises I don't ever even intend to keep; I walk past people in need because I'm in too much of a hurry; I waste my money on nonsense and then say I can't afford to give more; I waste my time on nonsense and then say I can't afford to do more; I faff around instead of spending time with him; I'm impatient and grumpy; I do things I know I shouldn't do; I don't do things I know I should do; I moan about what I haven't got instead of rejoicing in what I have got.

To be honest, that list could go on and on, but you get the idea...

Those things let him down because he knows I'm better than that.

I let God down. Every day. A lot.

And yet, do you know what, he thinks I'm fabulous :)

(He thinks you are too).

He loves me totally and completely and unconditionally and overwhelmingly and massively. He loves me just as I am, without my having to change, and yet at the same time he gently calls me forward into the person he knows I can be - the better, kinder, more generous, more loving, wiser, braver 'me' that he somehow sees.

This blows my mind! It makes me rejoice in his incredible love.

And it also makes me think about how I'm going to try to react next time someone lets me down...

A picture of cake. Because it's your friend and it never lets you down!!

Growing pains

Why is it that growth can be so painful?! Often in children we talk about 'growing pains', those aches and pains they get when they are going through a growth spurt (although having googled it, it would seem that those pains don't actually have much to do with growing after all...!). However, the phrase 'growing pains' came to me recently as a way of trying to describe and articulate the sort of growth towards spiritual maturity that I'm aiming for in my life.

Last week I was away with a fantastic group of church leaders on the Arrow Leadership Programme run by CPAS - in my opinion, quite simply the best training course on leadership that exists. It was immensely challenging, hugely encouraging, deeply stretching, and a whole heap of fun. However it was also, at times, incredibly emotional, as I had some time and space which I don't always take time to find, and really met with God.

Very often during these encounters there were an awful lot of tears! As an optimist, I gamely put on mascara each morning, but inevitably by about 9am it was running down my face in rivers! As a rule, I don't cry in front of other people. I cry a lot, but it's either on my own at home, in the loo, watching a film, or during church (generally when I'm a 'participant' rather than leading something). I think people's reactions to someone crying are really interesting. Some people are clearly embarrassed and don't quite know what to do, and really want it to stop as soon as possible! Some are very empathetic and themselves get upset if someone else is crying. Some have the ability to simply be present and offer sympathy. Someone told me recently that counsellors are trained not to offer tissues if someone cries, since it can make them feel that they are expected to stop!

Anyway, whatever the case, I certainly went through more than my fair share of tissues last week. But does that mean it was a terrible week? Not at all! They were (mostly!) 'good' tears, in the sense of being to do with healing and refreshing and growing.

I can point to so many times like this in my life - times when it's been clear that God has had something that he has wanted to challenge me on, or there was something that I needed to repent of, or simply something that God had been trying for ages to get into my (sometimes a bit fuzzy) head. In these times there is the joy that comes from feeling God so close, and there is the pain that comes from knowing that I need to grow and change.

For me, one of the main ways I connect with God is during times of sung worship. That's one of the reasons I love New Wine so much - thousands of people all singing praises to God together lifts my soul and feels like a foretaste of heaven. And yet, again, when I'm singing worship to God, or listening to worship CDs, I often find myself in tears as I connect with God.

As I thought about all this the phrase 'growing pains' was going round and round my head. I think this sums up pretty well what happens in these times when we really do business with God. They're times to be grateful for because they're times of growth, when God is shaping and moulding us to become more like Jesus, and more like the people he knows we can be. And yet they can also be times of pain because growth isn't generally easy or straight forward.

God never makes us feel small or silly, and he never wants us to beat ourselves up or do ourselves down. When he reminds us of things in our lives that we need to change, he does so because he knows that we are capable of so much more. And he always uses times of pain and difficulty to teach us lessons that we need to learn, and to grow us in character and grace.

The Bible reminds us time and time again that in the difficult times of our lives God is beside us. In the book of Joshua in the Old Testament we read these words - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Recently there's a song by Brian Doerksen which has been cropping up all over the place and has been in my mind as I've mulled all this over. It has this line in it - "In your name, there is strength to remain, to stand in spite of pain, in your holy name."

I'm so grateful to know a God who made me, who loves me just as I am, but who also knows that I can be better than this - that there is a 'me' I can continue to become, with his help. I'm OK with a few growing pains along the way if they help me to become the me Jesus intends me to be.

 

Just because it's pretty...!

Love and marriage...

I've spent the evening leading a 'marriage preparation' class for the couples who are getting married here in church this year. We even had a couple join us who are getting married abroad but phoned to ask if they could come because "we've heard about marriage preparation and it seems like a good idea." We had a great evening. I really enjoy the privilege of walking alongside people as they prepare for marriage. I love hearing their stories and finding out where they met, how they knew this was 'the one', why they decided to get married, why they choose to do so in church. I love the fact that, when they aren't Christians but have chosen to marry in church, I have a brilliant way in to talking to them about God's love for us, and his plan for our lives. I really enjoy taking wedding services too. They're pretty scary at first as there's so much to remember and get right, but it's amazing to be part of such a special and joyful day for people. I've had some pretty hilarious things happen at weddings I've been taking. Discretion prevents me from sharing them here, but believe me, even after just 8 years of being ordained, I could write a book...

It's interesting for me to reflect on this side of my ministry at the moment. I'm approaching my 35th birthday (you may feel free to post comments indicating that I don't look a day over 27...). I am currently, and always have been, single. I have just written a book on singleness (due to be published in June. More details about the book itself will come soon...). This is really not how I thought my life would pan out! If you'd asked me at any point during my childhood or even early adulthood, I definitely would have said that I expected to be married with kids by now. And believe me, I had my wedding all planned out! To be honest, it would have been a bit awkward if I'd got to the point of actually getting engaged, since any potential fiancé would have had a fairly limited role in the wedding planning process. There were very few aspects on which I would have required his input...!

So, as someone who is currently single but always thought I would (and would very much have liked to) have been married by now, how does it feel to talk about marriage a fair bit of the time? Well, it's OK! I really believe in marriage. I think it's a fabulous, beautiful, God-ordained thing. I have loved celebrating with so many friends at their weddings over the years. I've been a bridesmaid twice - once as a child (very exciting, but to be honest I'm still getting over the mental scars of the peach shoes and scary white hat); and once as an adult (fabulous dress - good call R&S!). I've led prayers and done Bible readings at friends' weddings, and, as you might expect, on several occasions I've been wheeled out to say grace at the reception, in a 'rent-a-vicar' kind of way (which I've been more than happy to do!).

I love the part of my job that allows me to be involved with everything that surrounds weddings and marriages. It's a joy to plan, pray and prepare with a couple for many months and then stand at the front of church as they walk up the aisle as two single people and walk down it again joined together in some mysterious and incredible way.

Of course, there is a part of me that feels - if not 'sad' as such, then perhaps 'wistful' at weddings, both those I attend in a social capacity and those in a work capacity. 'My' wedding sometimes plays through my mind as I watch theirs. I know that for some single people going to others' weddings is a really hard thing, as it reminds them of how much they would like one - not to mention the fact that a wedding reception is one of the places you're most likely to feel like a complete spare part if you're not with a group! I know that for some single church leaders taking weddings is a hugely painful and difficult part of the job.

I know that I'm fortunate that I don't feel that way. I want to enjoy weddings for the wonderful occasions that they are, and for all the future hope and promise and joy which is contained within them. I hope that, whatever happens in my life, I'll always be able to "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn", as St. Paul urges the Romans to do in his letter to them in the Bible.

I guess what I really want is to be completely 'me' - the person I am, "fearfully and wonderfully made" in God's image, whole and complete as I am. That way, whether married or single, whether rejoicing or mourning, in good times and in bad, I will still be 'whole'.

The title of my book is 'Single Minded'. More on why I chose that title another time. But the subtitle is 'Being single, whole and living life to the full'. Wholeness is what I believe God wants for me in my life, and for you in yours. John Ortberg has written a book called 'The me I want to be - becoming God's best version of you.' That's my prayer for my life.

Love is...

OK, I know it's a bit of a cliché to do a post about love the day after Valentine's Day, but I've been thinking lots about love, having done an assembly on it this morning, and preparing to preach on it at a friend's church on Sunday afternoon.

Valentine's Day is such an odd thing, isn't it?! I have a few friends who seem to really go for it, and they buy each other gifts and flowers and go out for a meal. And yet most of my friends seem to not really bother with it at all. I'm not sure how I'd feel about it if I was part of a couple, because I never have been! I suspect my view would be "I know it's all a lot of commercialised, over-hyped nonsense and we should just ignore it, but hey, a girl can never have too many flowers or chocolates." (Shallow? Who? Me?) Oooh oooh oooh I've just had a great idea - Valentine's Day Shoes. Yes. Any man who bought me a pair of shoes every Valentine's Day would be in my good books for a loooong time. *goes a bit daydreamy*

I was amused recently because at a Diocesan meeting a while back we were told that the next but one meeting would be on Feb 14th. There were instant murmurs of disapproval (all from men, interestingly!). They mostly seemed to be of the "I can't come to a meeting on that night or my wife will kill me" persuasion. At the next meeting we were told that the date had been changed to Feb 12th which I was much more put out about - I am clearly far more likely to have pressing plans on Pancake Day than on Valentine's Day!

So is love really all you need? And what has it actually got to do with it? And is it really all around? I was talking to the young people at school this morning about the limitations of our English word 'love'. Here are just a few of the things that I love - red wine, my best friends, going to the theatre, my church family, crisps, God, long hot baths, my parents, shoes, holidays, my Godchildren, country pubs, my grandma, real ale, playing badminton, my brown boots, chocolate orange. I hope it will be perfectly apparent that I don't love all of those things in the same way (and that I didn't put them in order of importance!).

The Bible says that God is love. Not just that he loves us, or that he knows about love, or that he wants us to love, or that he shows us how to love. He IS love. There's no way for him to do anything other than to love - it is his very nature. He just can't help himself. The Bible also says that God loved the world so much that he sent Jesus to live and to die for us. That's love beyond anything we can possibly imagine. That sort of love makes my head hurt just trying to imagine it. There's a line in the Ben Cantelon song 'I've found a love' that sums it up - "I've found a love greater than life itself."

I decided 23 years ago this year to give my heart to Jesus. I was bowled over by his love - completely and totally overwhelmed by it. It's the best decision I ever made and I haven't regretted it for a second. I have loved Jesus every moment of that time. I've loved him when life has been great and when it's been tough. I've loved him when I've been well and when I've been ill. I've loved him while walking alongside friends going through unspeakable tragedies. I've loved him while laughing so hard I've almost peed my pants. I've loved him when I've felt scared and alone. I've loved him with tears pouring down my face watching the news. I've loved him when people I've loved have died. I've loved him when friends have had the joy of new lives coming into their lives. Some days it's been easy and some days it's been really hard - on those days it's been a decision made through gritted teeth. Anyone who has ever loved will know that there are times when it has to be a choice, when we choose to love even though we don't really want to.

Why have I loved him? Because of his love for me. Because it blows my mind that someone could know everything there is to know about me and still love me. Because he sees me as I am but also as I can be. Because of the cross.

There's an awesome Bethel Music song called 'One Thing Remains' which has a line repeated over and over again - "Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me."

Yeah, that.

My Valentine's gift from me to me. Because I'm worth it! (God says so!)

The beauty of your peace

I am a serious activist. I find it hard to sit down for 2 minutes, and I like to be doing at least 12 things at once. I genuinely concentrate better if I have several tasks on the go at once, and I really HATE to be bored! That's fine - it's how I'm wired, and how God made me to be. It's no better or worse than being someone who takes life at a slower pace, or who does one task till it's finished, than starts another one. It simply is what it is. Those of you who are like me will be smiling in recognition right now; those of you who work differently will be shaking your heads in confusion!

It's quite fun, being an activist. I like it. I find it energising and stimulating. For me, it goes hand in hand with being a serious extrovert (but more of that another day). However, the big drawback with it for me is that it can mean I find it hard to just sit and 'be'. I want to be able to do as Psalm 46 tells me and "be still and know that I am God." However I find it a whole lot easier to 'run around a lot all day and most of the time remember that I am God.' So is that OK? Should I just embrace my inner (and outer!) activist and go with it, or is it important that I train myself to sometimes simply be? How does this balance work for you I wonder?

I've wrestled with it on and off for years. And it turns out that the link between the times I manage to set aside time to be still with God, and how I feel about life, and how the day/week ahead pans out, is not hard to spot. Who knew?! When I make time with God a priority, things just feel better. And if I don't do it one day, I remember that grace is one of God's greatest gifts to us...

I write these times of quiet and stillness into my diary but then pressures and meetings and deadlines crowd in and it's too easy for them to be squeezed out. And yet when I take what you might call a 'quiet day' or a retreat day or whatever, the benefits are huge - to my sense of peace, to my relationship with God, to my productivity. On Monday I went to a lovely local convent for the day. I sat looking at an amazing view (which I forgot to photograph - sorry!). I sat and thought "I'll just listen to some worship music for 10 minutes" and then looked at my watch to see an hour had passed. Bliss!

The first song I listened to was Tim Hughes' fabulous song 'The Beauty of your Peace' which has lines in it from the old hymn 'Dear Lord and Father' - the wonderful words rolled over me again as I sat quietly with God - "Take from our souls the strain and stress and let our ordered lives confess the beauty of your peace." I reflected for a bit on the idea of 'peace' being 'beautiful' - what a lovely image that is. How accurately it reflects the way true peace can makes us feel, and conversely, how the absence of peace can seem ugly and cruel. I also liked the idea of us 'confessing' that beauty - that is, not just accepting it, but also enjoying it, sharing it, revelling in it.

Later I listened to Jeremy Riddle's stunning song 'It is well with my soul' - again, peace is mentioned, and the faith-filled declaration that "Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say 'it is well, it is well with my soul." That's one of those amazing phrases that I want to learn to use as naturally as I breathe!

As I left that faith-filled convent on Monday, it truly was 'well with my soul'. I hope the feeling lasts for a while...!

(Cos I forgot to take a convent-view picture, here's a lovely view from my lovely Vicarage instead)

Anti-virus software for the heart

Recently I had to update the anti-virus software on my computer. I always find it slightly terrifying, as if in the 3 minutes the download takes to activate hundreds of computer hackers will find their way into my computer and unleash plagues upon it which will scramble my settings and gobble up all my work. I know, I know - one, I need to rein in my imagination; two, I need to seriously work on my computer-techie understanding; and three - well, frankly I need to get out more.

But really, where on earth would we be without anti-virus software? It's just a marvellous thing. I have (unsurprisingly) not the faintest idea how it works, and I really don't care much either. All I know is that somehow it protects my computer from the nastiness which could potentially overtake it if it were not there.

Now, I hope this isn't too much of a clunky link, and at the risk of being one of those comedy vicars who's forever saying "and that's a bit like Jesus..." - honestly, ever since I did the Norton thing last week (other anti-virus software is available), I've been thinking about the 'anti-virus' protection that my heart needs.

I am, as the 1662 Prayer Book would put it, a 'miserable sinner'. That sentence will come as no surprise to anyone who's ever met me. However - and I'm sorry if this is a bit over familiar - so are you. The prophet Isaiah puts it like this - "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way." What he means, basically, is that we all stuff up, screw up, mess up and cock up on a fairly regular basis.

I am susceptible to all manner of temptations and I am drawn to any number of things which I know are not good for me. I am open to 'viruses' coming at me from all angles and spreading their poison. The result is that I get a bit messed up inside. I can screw up my eyes and stick my fingers in my ears  shouting 'la la la la la, not listening' as much as I like, but it won't help (I've tried!). The viruses get me every time, if my anti-virus software isn't up to date.

I make sure I protect my computer. I wouldn't dream of letting my anti-virus subscription run out and then connecting to the internet - it would be madness. I know that if I were to do that I'd be opening up my computer to all sorts of risks and dangers. And yet how crazy it is that I take such good care of my computer, while so often leaving my heart and mind open to attacks from all sides.

So I've  been pondering a lot the need to 'guard my heart' as the book of Proverbs reminds me to do 'above all else'. It's good advice.