beLOVED

Hmm. Where to start with this post?! Well, I guess the beginning is as good a place as any, so grab a drink and settle in. This could be a long one...

Those of you who have followed this blog for a while, or read my blog, or heard me speak on singleness, will know some of this story - so bear with...

8 years ago I first spoke about singleness, at the New Wine North summer event in Newark. Since then God has taken me on an incredible journey in this whole area, and I've been privileged to travel all over the UK and the world speaking on singleness, and also to have my book Single Minded published: https://wordery.com/single-minded-kate-wharton-9780857214300?cTrk=NjY5NjkzMTJ8NTllYTYxMDc3ZThiZToxOjI6NTllYTYwZmYzNTgxMzkuODU4MzUwMzg6MGM3MWY4NTE%3D

It has been a huge learning curve. It has been my privilege to meet many single people, and to hear their stories, and to share together with them some of the ups and downs of this journey. It has also been great to be invited to share with a number of churches and colleges, and to help them to think about how they can be places of genuine welcome and community.

Inevitably, and wonderfully, over that time God has also been speaking to me about my own life and walk with him. I have learnt SO MUCH about myself and about God! Some of that journey is explored in Chapter 7 of the book (incidentally, I always know whether or not someone is telling the truth about having read my book, since I share so personally in Chapter 7 - so if they don't know that part of my story, they haven't really read it!)

In that chapter I shared my belief that God was calling me to remain single, and that I had decided to make a choice to embrace that calling and live that way.

But since then, there's more...!

A couple of years ago I began to sense that God was calling me to do something to publicly mark that calling and decision. I had no idea how to do that, or if it was even a thing! I began to explore a bit, and discovered that there was a fact a way to do this, a community to join as someone who had chosen to remain single for life. The problem was that while that particular community may be a great choice for many people, it simply wasn't the right one for me. It didn't seem to reflect my personality, my story, my churchmanship, my journey.

After a bit of time spent praying and wondering and pondering, I went to talk to my Bishop, who fortunately is all sorts of wise. He said that if the existing way to do this wasn't right for me, then I should just make up my own way! So I did, with his help, and the help of my closest friends.

So it was that in Sept 2015 12 of us gathered together in the Bishop's chapel as I made what if I was becoming a nun (which I REALLY am not!) I might have called 'novitiate vows'. I made a vow, they prayed for me, we sang, we shared communion. It was wonderful.

And then I spent the next 2 years seeking God for what this might look like going forward. Had I really heard him right? Was this a bonkers idea born out of too much cheese one night - or was it really a calling from the Lord, a chance to serve him with my whole heart and soul in a new way, to explore a vcry particular vocation?

Well, 2 years has passed, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the cheese. I've actually never wavered from my conviction that this calling is from the Lord. There have been times when I've felt awed by the hugeness of it all, and what it represents. And I suspect I will always get a bit teary from time to time around babies. I will always need my people - my closest friends, who are family to me, who 'get' me and are there for me through it all.

I'm incredibly grateful to God for this adventure we're on together. I have no idea where this will lead or what it will look like in 2 more years, or 5, or 10. But I do know that this is what I need to do, now, before God.

So it is that at the end of November I will gather in Liverpool Cathedral, with some friends and family, to make the equivalent of 'life vows'. I am writing the service myself, to express who I am, and what this journey has looked like for me. 

Some of you know this, as you have walked the journey with me. I am more grateful to you than I can express, most especially those of you who were there in Sept 2015. Some of you will be there to celebrate with me in November (I can't wait!). Some of you can't be there, and I will miss you.

It's a source of huge sadness to me that I can't invite all of you wonderful people out there. I am blessed with so many amazing friends, and I thank God for you all - but for you all to be there I'd need the whole Cathedral, not just the Lady Chapel! (Not to mention that I'd have to re-mortgage the vicarage to pay for the lunch).

So, if I haven't invited you, I'm sorry - I hope you will still pray for me as I step out into this new thing with God.

I hope that what I've written makes sense. Lots of people, when I've told them, have done a goldfish impression for a while and then said "gosh - I've never heard of that before!" Well no, neither had I!

I hope Alan Scott will forgive me for quoting a sentence that I heard him say at New Wine this summer - "Who knows what Jesus will do next? He's desperately kind and wonderfully good." Oh yes! I'm so excited for what lies ahead...

Oh, and in case you're wondering about the title of this post, well, it's the name I have decided to give to this whole 'thing' that I'm doing. (Good job, too - its working title among my friends was 'The Thing' for months!). It comes from a phrase I heard Anne Maclaurin say years ago - "God calls you beloved and he says be loved."

So my 'Thing' in November is called the beLOVED ceremony (with thanks to Laura Ferguson for her design skills).

Book review - Those who Wait (Tanya Marlow)

This is a wonderful book – it’s real, and honest, and challenging, and hopeful, and above all focused on Jesus. Tanya is a remarkable woman and she has written a remarkable book that will stimulate and encourage you, whatever your personal circumstances. Here is a common human experience, which we all go through one way or another – waiting – explored and discussed and meditated on. Tanya has had to endure many years of waiting, through a debilitating chronic illness. In this book she shares some of the lessons she has learnt, and is continuing to learn. Her love for Jesus shines out of every page. The book is imaginatively written, and will draw you in to its cleverly created narratives. There is wisdom and grace and humour and honesty throughout. Tanya has taken 4 well known biblical characters – Sarah, Isaiah, John the Baptist, and Mary the mother of Jesus – and brought their stories to life, helping us to imagine what the experience of waiting might have been like for them, and to understand what we can learn to help us through our own times of waiting. There are also theological notes to help those who wish to delve deeper into the text, and Bible study questions for those who want to study the book with others There are suggested creative exercises to inspire you and beautifully worded prayers to help you focus on the Lord. I couldn’t put this book down. The stories drew me in, the theological insights stirred me, and Tanya’s honesty and courage challenged me. I will definitely recommend this book to others I know who are struggling through times of waiting – everyone will be able to find something in it to strengthen and encourage them in their journey with the Lord.

Here's the link to the Wordery page where you can pre-order the book:

https://wordery.com/those-who-wait-tanya-marlow-9781910786864?cTrk=NjU1NzU3Mjh8NTlkYWEyZjhhZTZkNjoxOjI6NTlkYWEyZjNhMWUyZjAuODQwOTI0NzE6NDNkYjdhODQ%3D

I'm finding moving a bit moving...!

Well once again it has been a stupidly long time since I blogged. Sorry about that... Usual resolutions re blogging more often have been made. But don't hold your breath!

The thing that's occupying most of my brain space at the moment is that I'm about to move house! Aaaaaaaaargh, etc. Exactly 2 weeks from today all my worldly goods will be packed up in a van somewhere and I'll be on the cusp of the most mammoth box-unpacking gig imaginable. Well, not quite the most mammoth - my friend's just become a Bishop. Moving into a Bishop-pad involves some serious unpacking!

Anyway it's not just moving house that I'm thinking about - although goodness knows that's stressful enough in its own right, especially when it goes hand-in-hand with moving job/church too. I'm particularly thinking about moving house on your own. And, obviously, as someone who's single, I do an awful lot of things 'on my own'. That's not a complaint, at least not necessarily, but it is certainly an observation.

Because of all the usual work/life/time pressures, I've been trying to squeeze lots of jobs into a too-short time frame. As you do. Saturday afternoon saw me in a mad dash to get to the carpet shop before it closed (after being blocked into my garage by a wedding guest and then getting stuck in football traffic). Consequently I chose carpets for 4 of the new vicarage bedrooms in precisely 8 minutes. I was delighted to find they could fit them within the week. Then on Tuesday I went to buy a new sofa, and again made a surprisingly speedy choice - only to find it'll be 5 weeks before it's delivered. Oops. Apparently I need to have made that purchase a month ago.

The new church have been completely wonderful in helping me to get ready for the move. They have done a quite extraordinary amount of work, and have somehow managed to paint every single wall in the entire vicarage, and to clean it from top to bottom. I'm very grateful. So my reflections on doing a house move as a single person are not particularly about the practical aspects - although if they hadn't been so wonderfully kind and helpful then that would definitely have been a complication to add into the mix.

No, my reflections on it all have been more to do with the emotional side of things. To be honest I've been surprised at how emotional I have found it all. I didn't think I was all that house proud, or all that bothered about the material 'stuff' of life (and it's not long after setting foot in my house that you realise I'm definitely not all that bothered about keeping things clean and tidy!) But as I've pondered everything from paint colours to sofa fabrics to curtain lengths to carpet thicknesses to fridge freezer size I've just found it all a bit overwhelming. There have been So Many decisions to make!

Now, please don't misunderstand me. I realise this comes very firmly into the category of #FirstWorldProblems. Please don't hear me as being ungrateful - I absolutely realise and appreciate just how blessed I am to have a home to live in at all, and especially one so lovely. I am fortunate to be able to make these choices - I know that such choices are a luxury that many cannot afford.

However, my thoughts and reflections here are simply about how it has felt to do all of that stuff on my own. I have a couple of lovely friends who have kindly offered to come and look round with me, and offer advice. But they haven't been able to come yet, and won't now, I guess, until I've moved in. So all of the decisions have fallen to me. Those of you who have ever argued with a partner over a colour scheme or a piece of furniture may by now be yelling "lucky you - I'd love to have the final say on all things decor-related!" And yes, I'm sure there are massive advantages to not having to check with anyone else before deciding on an orange colour scheme for my new bedroom!

I'm really not moaning, I promise. But I am pondering. Pondering how it feels to have to make all of your major life choices alone (you know what I mean when I say alone - God is always my Guide, Advisor, Counsellor and Friend - but, humanly speaking, alone).

In one way, there's huge freedom in it, of course, and that's wonderful. But I realise I also have a fear of getting it wrong - that's mad, isn't it, because what does decorating your house 'wrong' even look like?! I feel like I'm not quite grown up (and that's also a mad thing to feel, when this is the last year my age will begin with a 3!). In the sofa shop the guy was trying to sell me extra cover in case things get spilt on it. He was talking about pets and husbands and children. I had to clamp my mouth closed to stop myself from confessing to not having any of those things (don't get me wrong, I have parishioners who can make a mess, and a penchant for chucking soup on myself - I could do with the insurance cover). I feel like I did as a kid trying to choose which sweets I wanted and it all just being ridiculously overwhelming and wishing someone would just hand me a packet, any packet. Standing in the carpet shop, and the sofa shop, and looking online at curtains, I just really would have liked there to be someone else there to say "what do you think about this one?" (And I know there are friends I could have asked to go with me, but sorry guys, I love you, but it's not the same!)

And gosh, this is all before I've got to the new place and have to work out where to put everything!! Aaaaaaaaargh, etc. all over again! My friend recently moved house and tweeted that she was picking up each ornament and wandering around the house whispering to it, asking it where it wanted to live. It might take a while, but in the absence of another human person to consult with, this is the approach I intend to adopt with all my belongings.

I know they say moving house is high up on the list of the most stressful things you can do. Moving jobs must be up there too, so vicars have a permanent stress-double-whammy going on when we move. Anyway, as so often when I blog, I feel like this is more of a journal-entry-reflection that I happen to have shared with the world (maybe that's all that blogging ever is?!) Thanks for reading, if you've got this far. Maybe share some of your moving house/decor decisions stories with me if you like?

Here's a photo of the new garden. It's beautiful, although I do fear it may never look this good again, as I am a genuinely terrible gardener...

Sabbatical highlights

Well, that's it! After a fantastic 4 months off, tomorrow I return to work. (I'm spending my first week at General Synod because I thought it would be a good idea to ease myself in gently. Ha!!).

I really had no idea what to expect before my sabbatical began. What would it feel like to have 4 months 'off'? Would I find myself feeling lonely, disconnected, bored? Would I want to come back after just a week or two away? Or, worse, would I not want to come back at all?! Would I find I'd forgotten how to truly rest and relax?

The idea of sabbatical is something we just don't come across in our society today. Almost without exception, when I told people outside of the church what I was doing, they said "wow, lucky you - I wish I could do that!" But no one ever had done, or realistically had any chance of ever doing so. I realise it is a very lovely gift which most clergy are able to enjoy, and I am grateful for it.

Sabbath is such an important biblical principle, stemming from God's resting after he had created the world. I'm grateful for my weekly sabbath, and also for this longer one, which I began 7.5 years into being an incumbent.

To be honest I'm still processing all that happened during my sabbatical, and I will probably be doing so for some time to come. I'm sure there will be many more blog posts about different aspects of it. I'm very much hoping that at some point a book will emerge too, but I didn't get as much written as I'd hoped. Oh well - there's no rush!

Here, then, follow (in no particular order, and still fairly unfiltered and unprocessed), some of the main highlights of the past 4 months.

* Simply, if it doesn't sound too mad, the gift of not rushing! This is something I simply must learn and carry with me as I go back. I am determined to not plunge immediately back into headless-chicken territory! I *will* remember to pause, and rest, and go to bed at a sensible hour.

* Not being in charge of anything. I am most definitely wired to be a leader, so I wouldn't want this long term, but for a while, it was great! I didn't have to make complicated decisions, I didn't have to make sure anything was running smoothly, no one was looking to me for answers!

* Loads of time to read. I loved this! I do read a lot anyway, but generally in fairly snatched chunks of time. So lots of uninterrupted time to read at leisure, and really absorb what I was reading, was great.

* Being able to simply worship on a Sunday morning. Now, of course, I hope to manage this most Sundays! But the honest truth is that it is often a bit complicated by leading, or preaching, or both. I have one eye on what's coming next, and who is doing what, and if everyone's OK. I worship too, of course, but it's different. And so to be able to concentrate simply on worshipping was a joy.

* I mainly worshipped at 2 very different churches - different from each other, and different from St. George's. While I was in the US I was most often at Desert Vineyard Church, which is the reason I had gone to the US at all. It's a very large church by UK standards, with a fabulous worship group, great teaching (much longer sermons than most Anglican churches!), and a significant ministry among the poor. While I was in the UK I was most often at Liverpool Cathedral. It has stunning choral music and inspiring teaching, and is a growing cathedral with an impressive ministry of outreach and discipleship. Being part of both churches, even for a short time, inspired and blessed me, and I'm grateful to them.

* Learning from others. I wanted to go to the US to spend some time with a leader I greatly admire. Unfortunately due to his being diagnosed with a serious illness just before I went, I couldn't spend as much time with him as I'd hoped. My plans had to change. But nothing is wasted with God. I did still spend some time with him, and even in that, I learnt. And because of the change of plans, I met lots of other amazing people. They were kind and generous and wise and fun and I learnt from all of them.

* Travelling. I LOVE to visit new places, and boy did I get to do that! New York, Alexandria, Washington DC, Lancaster, Palmdale, Santa Monica, Laguna Beach, San Francisco (and all points up the coast towards it!). It was so much fun to explore.

* Preaching. It was a total joy and privilege to preach at the Desert Vineyard. I know, as a leader, that it's a risk to invite someone else to preach in your church, and so I'm grateful for the invitation and the opportunity. It developed a good bit of stamina in me too - a 45 minute sermon repeated 3 times is not something I do every week! I absolutely loved it, and it certainly didn't feel like work.

* Urban mission and ministry. I wanted to go to Lancaster (California, not the north west of the UK!) because of the incredible way the church there loves and welcomes and ministers to and basically IS the poor, the broken, the vulnerable. This is my heartbeat, and it's theirs too. It is such a beautiful church. Serving in some of their compassion ministries was an absolute privilege, and I am awed by the way they love their neighbours. God re-broke my heart for what breaks his.

* Unexpected blessings. From the beautician who gave me the gift of a free manicure and pedicure, to an overnight stay in a beautiful beach house; from the numerous occasions I was treated to a meal out, to the friend who sent me a Christmas chocolate parcel; from the hospitality of all the people who let me stay in their homes, to being driven up the coast in a convertible for a yummy breakfast - time and time again I was overwhelmed by people's generosity and kindness.

* I love my friends! I'm so grateful to the people who kept in touch via text, Twitter, email, Facebook etc. Thank you for being interested in my over-sharing social media rambles! Thank you for missing me. 2 massive highlights of my whole sabbatical were the first time I saw my best friend's 3 kids and they literally leapt on me with joy, and the time I went to my friends' house for dinner on my return to the UK, only to have several other friends jump out from behind the door for a surprise party. I'm so blessed! One lovely friend came out to join me on an epic road trip. I saw 2 old school friends that I hadn't seen in donkey's years. And I made loads of new friends while I was away too, and they're also a wonderful gift.

* I love my church! Much as it was great to worship regularly in 2 other churches, and occasionally in a few more, I can't wait to be back with the wonderful, fabulous, gorgeous people of St. George's Everton! They are my family and I love them lots.

* I said in no particular order, but actually, this last one is the biggie. God used this sabbatical to do in me some things that really needed to be done! He gently showed me some things that I needed to sort out, and provided the people and the places and the opportunities I needed to do that. Ultimately, above all else, that's what this sabbatical has been about - foundational, heart stuff which will last forever. I'm so grateful to him for that.

That's quite enough rambling for now. On the eve of my return to 'real' life, I feel grateful and blessed. I'm excited to be back at work (that's a relief!). I have so many good memories. And I just may be beginning to plan my next sabbatical...

Living with a legacy in mind

It seems as if death has been very close lately, doesn't it? Of course we know that death is inevitable, that it comes to us all at some point, and that we don't tend to get much advance warning (which is probably for the best). But somehow, lately, it has felt even closer than normal.

We all know that in 2016 it felt as though more (and more famous) celebrities died than in previous years (I have no idea if this is statistically true, but it is certainly how it felt). In the last month or so I have known by reputation (although not personally) 4 well known and respected Christian leaders who have died in their 30s, 40s and 50s (so all, we would say 'too young'), and unexpectedly. I also have a number of good friends currently doing battle with serious illnesses of various kinds.

All of this makes us stop and think - or at least, I think it should do. The way it's been making me think is not about my own death, as such, but about my legacy. What will I leave behind? How will I be remembered?

Inevitably when someone dies, especially when they are relatively young, and it is unexpected, there is a huge public outpouring of grief and remembrance. This is entirely right and appropriate. We tell stories of that one time we met them, or of that thing they wrote that we read, or of that story we heard about them. We look for connection with them, because we feel affected.  We are reminded of our own mortality. We feel fragile, somehow.

And I've wondered, as I've read social media posts and obituaries and memories - what would people say about me? What would the stories that would be shared?

(This is definitely not an invitation to tell me!)

What it is, is a challenge to myself - and to you, if you would like to receive it as such - to reconsider how I live, and the impact I make on the world around me.

During the almost-twelve-years of my ordained life I have officiated at innumerable funeral services. I have sat with families as they have tried to describe to me their loved one - usually someone whom I have never met myself. There are certain phrases that clergy chuckle about among themselves for their 'hidden meaning' - phrases like "she didn't suffer fools gladly," and "he kept himself to himself," and "she knew her own mind." But I am sad when I sit with loved ones who don't have anything good to say about the deceased person, or perhaps not anything at all.

Whether we're famous or not, whether at our funeral we are mourned by 1, 10, 100 or 1000 people, we all leave some sort of imprint on the world in which we have lived.

I could write a list of some of the things I would hope people might say about me after I'm gone - and I could write a list of things I pray they wouldn't say!

And this isn't about me (or it shouldn't be, at least!). It isn't just about hoping everyone says nice warm fuzzy things about me and how I was a jolly good fellow. This is about living for the One whose approval is all that ultimately matters. I want my life to be a signpost to Jesus, so that when people see me, they see him. I know that so often I fail to do that, but I want to try.

I haven't given any thought at all to New Year's resolutions. I tend not to have a very high success rate. I've often thought about trying to lose weight, but I have a lot of sympathy with the post I read which said "at the start of 2016 it was my goal to lose 10 lb. Only 15 lb to go."

And yet as I've been writing this post the thought has occurred to me that a good aim for 2017 (not a resolution, mind, as I'd quite like to keep it!) - might be to spend some time thinking about the sort of legacy I want to leave behind.

How would I like people to speak about me, to describe me, to tell stories of me, after I'm gone? I can influence that now, by the way I live, how I treat people, what I do, what I say.

I'm going to try to live with a legacy in mind.

Who am I when I'm not busy?

Somehow I find myself over halfway through my 4 month sabbatical. Gosh. Not sure how that happened. I honestly do appreciate how lucky I am to be able to take a sabbatical, and that lots of people in lots of jobs aren't able to do so. Lots of things about it have been truly wonderful. I've never had so much sleep, for one thing! I've read squillions of books. There's a lot to reflect on, and several more blogs to come, I'm sure.

But the thing that I've been thinking about over this past week in particular is this - Who am I when I'm not busy?

Busyness is such a feature of modern life, isn't it? There probably aren't many people around who would say "no, I'm not busy, I haven't got much to do really." And I wonder whether in fact the people who might say that would wish it were not true - for example, is not-busyness generally as a result of being unemployed, or lonely, or in some sort of situation that we would hope not to be in?

For most of us, though, busyness seems to simply be a feature of modern life. Reading through friends' social media posts I see again and again phrases like "I don't have enough time," "I have too much to do," "I'm never going to get everything done." People are rushing between this and that, always in a hurry, never stopping. Adverts assume that we're all busy, and talk about how certain gadgets or devices can save us time and make our lives easier.

Sometimes our busyness becomes a badge of honour, something to boast about - "I'm busier than you!" It's like it's a competition!

Christmas is probably the worst time of year for this. "THERE'S JUST SO MUCH TO DO!" we frantically exclaim. We meet ourselves running around in circles as we try to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, buying, planning.

It's easy to get seriously passive aggressive when in a conversation about busyness - "oh, you've decorated your tree and bought all your presents and sent 200 cards and made 3 home made Christmas cakes? Well, good for you. Personally I just haven't had time to do all that. I've been far too busy." (The thing that has kept me mysteriously too busy is left unstated - it is enough for you to know that I am much busier, and by implication much more important, than you are.)

Vicars are terrible for it, let me tell you! Clergy meetings in the run up to Christmas can just become one big opportunity to show off about how many carol services and home communions you've taken and to look down on anyone who hasn't done as many, and secretly wonder why they aren't working hard enough!

It's not just clergy though, and it's not just Christmas. For all of us, at least in today's Western society, busyness feels like some sort of disease. It's a cliché, but it really is a bit like a treadmill or a hamster wheel - and once you're on it, it's impossible to get off.

Now if you've been reading this far and hoping that at some point I'm going to give you The Answer and explain how you can stop being busy and live a calm and peaceful life forever more then I'm afraid you're about to be disappointed! This is just something I'm wondering about and reflecting on myself. Why is it that our society seems so much to value busyness? Why is it that we so often feel guilty if we're not working "hard enough," or when we take some time off to do nothing? Why is it that were so bound by to-do lists?

As a Christian, for me the principle of Sabbath is important. I believe in having a day of rest each week.  For fairly obvious reasons, for me that isn't Sunday! (Any comments about that being the only day I work will be deleted!!) Friday is my day off. I try not to spend all of it doing chores! I try to do something fun, relaxing, life giving, joy bringing. My favourite thing is to spend time with friends on my day off, going for a walk, having a meal, laughing and enjoying each other's company.

But simply taking each Friday off isn't enough. That doesn't mean that from Saturday morning until Thursday evening I should work flat out to cram everything in, never stopping, never pausing, never doing anything 'not work' (although I'm ashamed to say there have been a few weeks that have looked and felt like that!)

And then, suddenly, here is this sabbatical this extended 'sabbath' of four whole months! In Liverpool Diocese, this is meant to be three months of 'study leave' and a month of holiday. So what should that actually look like? The holiday part is fine - I'm good at that! There's been a week in Wales, some sightseeing in New York and Washington DC, and next week a road trip is planned! But what about the 'work' time - what should that look like? I mentioned something about work the other day on Facebook and a friend commented "you're on sabbatical - you shouldn't be working!" Instantly I thought "but I can't just do nothing!"

'Work' over these months look very different for me. I'm hoping to write a book (well, half a book at least, along with a friend). I've done lots of reading, and reflecting. The pace has been very considerably slower than normal! Bedtime has been much earlier. I've watched more films. I've gone for more walks. I've gone to the gym more (in that I've gone to the gym!!)

It's has felt so strange not to be doing umpteen church services, being in and out of our church school, going to Christmas meals, visiting people at home. And it's not just the 'work' things' - I've hardly bought any Christmas presents (although I did do some before I left), and for the first time ever I haven't done Christmas cards! There's no food to buy, no parties to host, no meals to cook.

And yet I've wrestled with feeling guilty. I have often felt that I "should be doing more." I've wondered what people are thinking as they read my social media posts - "It's alright for her, lazing about for four months while I have to go to work." I've self-imposed a structure on my days of working in the church office 9-5 on week days,but then if someone has invited me out during that time I've felt like I shouldn't go. That's mad! (It's OK, I had a word with myself!)

What I'm realising is that so much of my identity is tied up with my busyness. I am Kate, I am the Vicar, I am Busy. But not always in that order. One of the themes of this sabbatical for me seems to be about rediscovering who I am. I want my identity to be entirely found in Jesus - in who I am in him, and not in what I do. He doesn't love me because I'm a Vicar. He doesn't love me because I'm Busy. He loves me because I'm me, and because he made me, and because he is Love.

I really hope that my sabbatical gives me the time to really learn these lessons, and to actually embed them into my life. I hope that regularly going to the gym now will mean that when I get back to work I still make time for it (don't get me wrong, I passionately dislike the gym, but you've got to do something!). I hope that going to I'll continue to go to bed at a sensible time (a friend of mine says "I do prefer going to bed on the same day that I woke up"!). I hope that I'll still take time for reading and watching films and having fun and sometimes doing nothing - all without feeling guilty!

I'm a realist - I know this stuff isn't easy to unlearn, and relearn. I know that my first month back at work will be a challenge, as phone calls and conversations and emails fly at me from all sides. I expect I will be busy again pretty soon. And maybe that's OK. I guess I just want to remember through it all who I really am, and what's really important. I think I'm going to be OK with sometimes being busy, as long as I remember I'm not Busy.

To end: a profound Christmas thought...

Social media, instant news and how we communicate

When I was 19 I went off on a gap year to Borneo for 7 months.  Email was only just beginning to be a thing (gosh that makes me feel old!), and so I was just about able to email home once a week if the computer decided to behave. My parents didn't have a computer so would check it at their friends' house. I phoned home weekly (I expect their phone bill was horrifying). And that's basically all the 'keeping in touch' I did.

I'm currently on sabbatical and spending 10 weeks in the US. I spent 2 1/2 weeks being a tourist in New York, Virginia and Washington DC, and am spending the rest of the time in Lancaster California, visiting a church led by my good friends.

I was reflecting on the fact that communication has changed so much during that time. My gap year was 19 years ago (oh my gosh, I'm now twice as old as when I did my gap year. AAARGH!). Now, in order to keep in touch with people back home, I write blogs on my tablet which I instantly post online via WiFi.  I post updates and photos on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. My family and friends at home know what I'm doing almost as I'm doing it. They're in touch with my news and I'm in touch with theirs. Plus I'm in touch with actual news - I know what's going on in the world all the time thanks to Twitter newsfeeds, news websites, and my newspaper subscription.

What has this communication revolution done for the way we interact with and treat one another, I wonder? I love social media - I'm an extrovert, and I really enjoy being in touch with people even when I'm on the other side of the world, and being able to share my news and hear theirs. But it's fundamentally changed how we communicate, and definitely not always in a good way.

I find myself being actually quite glad that all these communication media didn't exist 19 years ago. I don't think that spending 7 months working in a remote Borneo village would have felt like quite as much of an adventure if I'd been able to post photos every evening and see all that I was missing out on day by day from home. It made it feel more special to be away and pretty much out of contact for that time, and coming home with news, stories and pictures was exciting.

Having said that though I admit that I'm glad social media does exist now. It's really helped while being here to be able to keep in touch with people at home. In a new place, far away from home, settling in, finding my way around, making friends, having new experiences, it's been great to be able to share those and have people comment and interact.

A silly example of this was when I slipped and fell on a wet air vent on a Washington DC pavement. I was very English about it, leaping up to insist I was fine, but actually I'd really hurt myself! Posting about it on social media, and getting friends from home sending sympathy (and lots of teasing too!) really did make me feel better.

Also, as I'm travelling alone, posting photos and stories really helps to feel that I'm sharing the experience with someone else, which massively reduces any feelings of loneliness (so big thanks if you've commented on any of my posts - thanks for being my virtual travel companions!)

I don't know how much social media usage is correlated with personality but I know that for me as a single, living-alone, extrovert activist, connecting with the world on social media is a massive help in reducing loneliness and enabling me to extrovertly process my head! Of course I have to make sure it doesn't also take over my life and either become an idol, or stop me from actually enjoying the experiences in real time in the first place - but as long as I do that, for me at least, I think it's a great thing.

Having said all of that though, I've also been doing a lot of thinking lately about how we communicate with one another on social media. Really it's all still pretty new, and it has changed how we interact and communicate so fundamentally. Sometimes I scroll through my news feed and am moved to tears, heartened, encouraged, and blessed. Sometimes I am horrified, appalled, angered and ashamed. And sometimes of course I'm just laughing at cats scared of cucumbers (if you've never seen it, do yourself a favour and get on YouTube right now - you won't regret it).

I love it when social media introduces me to an idea that's new, when I discover a talk or book that I want to check out, when I see a quote that really speaks to me, when I'm challenged to think about something in a new way. I love it when people come together to campaign for change and something brilliant and heartwarming happens (the recent story of the dad trying to find a replacement sippy cup for his autistic son, and Tommee Tippee agreeing to make a lifetime's supply, was one of the most amazing examples of this that I've seen). I love it when twitter banter is at its daftest and funniest, spreading jokes and cartoons and silliness. I love it when people stand shoulder to shoulder with people in need, even if they don't know one another. I love it when people stand up to bullies and trolls and haters, when they refuse to let abuse go unchallenged.

But gosh, social media can also be an awful, horrible thing, can't it? It can be a place of abuse and nastiness and evil and ignorance and bullying. I honestly think that sometimes people forget that they're writing ONLINE - that potentially the whole entire world is watching and reading what they say. Surely that's the only explanation for some of what we see?

I hate it when social media is used to bully and oppress certain groups in society. I hate it when it's used to spread ignorance and fear and to stir up violence. I hate it when it's used as an anonymous shield to hide behind while threatening people for holding a certain viewpoint. I hate it when people just SHOUT out their own opinion again and again without actually listening to what the other person is saying (or thinking about how they might be feeling). I'm horrified when a lot of the time I see Christians treating each other online in these ways - if we can't be loving and gracious and generous to each other online then what hope do we have?

So is social media and the massive change in how we communicate and interact online a good thing or a bad thing? Well clearly it's impossible to answer that really - it's both, and much more besides. It's a massive blessing in so many ways, but we really must be careful and wise as we engage with it.

And a reminder of the good stuff, to end with:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-38141319