So, hot on the heels of last Thursday's blog about Chapter 1, I bring you... Chapter 2! When I was first asked to speak on the subject of singleness, I said no - I'd never heard a good or helpful talk on singleness (well, I'd hardly heard any, really!), and I wasn't too sure what there was to say about it! I was asked again, and I still wasn't convinced - and then one morning I work up with two titles in my head - "Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage-obsessed church" and "Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world." I thought they were really rather good! Since they clearly hadn't come from my brain, I felt that they must be from God, and so I replied to my friend saying that I would do the singleness talk - and not just one, but two!
The response is interesting when I mention these titles to people. Single people often nod enthusiastically as they agree that yes, the church can often feel like a place which is obsessed by, and revolves around, marriage. Married people either look outraged as if to say "how very dare you?" or they raise their eyebrows and smile nervously as if to indicate that they're sorry, and they didn't mean it to be this way, but actually, probably, that is a fair point.
Don't get me wrong. I think marriage is fabulous. It's vitally important and I'm all in favour of it. I've blogged before about weddings. My point is not that marriage is bad, but that we must be careful that we don't venerate it to the point where we make single people feel like second class citizens. Being married isn't "better" than being single (even though I have had people tell me that it is!). It is simply different.
In this chapter of the book I give an outline of what the church says about marriage - its history, and why it sees it as important. Then I go on to talk about some real experiences which real single people have had in real churches. And some of them are really not good!
I talk about the issue of single people being seen as having more time than married people, and so being asked to do all sorts of jobs, as if they have nothing to do outside of church. Now in some ways of course perhaps single people (those without children at least) do have more flexibility with their time. However, there are plenty of other things that they have to do with that time - not least the shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc...!
Next there's the issue of loneliness - a massive area, and one which lots of single people (at least those who live alone) identify as being a real problem for them. It's worthy of a post all of its own, so at some point in the future maybe I'll write some more about it. But for now I'll say that there's so much churches can do in order to 'be family' for single people, and to help out those who are feeling lonely. And as single people (without children), we have a massive opportunity to turn our loneliness into solitude and to seek times of peace and quiet with the Lord (something which our friends with small children can only dream of!).
I then discuss the issue of whether married people really understand singleness and what it feels like. Again, this is a big area and it's discussed in more detail in Chapter 6. Maybe sometimes the issue is that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people, and sometimes the issue is that single people *think* that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people! It is possible for us as single people to get a chip on our shoulders about this...! Having said that, though, there are times when married people say some genuinely, astonishingly crass and insensitive things to single people! In the book I have given a few examples. If any of my married friends or colleagues read the book and recognise themselves and their comments, I apologise! I love you, and I don't mean to offend you or make you feel bad. But really, some of these comments need naming and shaming!
The next issue I cover is the issue for single people of where they 'fit in' to the church - sometimes they feel they're not quite treated as grown ups, and if they don't have children they may feel excluded from family events - or even if they do, sometimes as single parents they feel left out.
My argument through the whole of this chapter is that the church should be better at this stuff than it is! I don't say that to put the blame 'out there' - any of us who would consider ourselves part of the church have to accept some of the responsibility for this! But surely, as church, we should the place people - ALL people - feel most loved, most welcomed, most accepted, most included, most valued, most at home. I really think that's what Jesus meant the church to be like!
Monday, 20 May 2013
Thursday, 16 May 2013
Chapter 1 - Wholly Single
Unbelievably, it's only just over a month until my official book launch at Liverpool Cathedral (I don't think that will ever not sound weird to me!). And apparently, the book could be available to buy in the shops within the next couple of weeks. I can't imagine what it will feel like to walk into a shop and see my book on a shelf!
Anyway, I thought it might be fun, between now and then (by way of whetting your appetite!) to blog about each of the chapters in turn. So off we go with Chapter 1, entitled 'Wholly Single'.
In this chapter, I begin to explore what it means to live the 'full life' that Jesus promised us in John 10:10. How, as a single person, do I live a full life? What if I long to be married, to have someone with whom to share my life? What if I don't have children, but would dearly love to have them? What if the current circumstances of my life are not those which I would have chosen? What if I hope for marriage one day (soon)? Or what if I don't actually hope for marriage, but am simply trying to work out how to live this single life well? What does a full life look like for a single person?
If it's sometimes true to say that single people feel 'less' than whole people, then why is that? Is it because we ourselves are unhappy in our singleness, or unfulfilled, or desperate for life to be different? Or is it actually that it's society, the people around us, who have the problem with our singleness, rather than us? Is it simply that it can often be quite difficult to be single in our world today, for a whole host of complicated reasons?
In this chapter I share the results of a survey that I did amongst a number of single Christian friends. They kindly answered a whole host of questions about what being single felt like for them. They listed the following 'single issues' in order, based on how much of an issue they felt them to be - lack of touch, organising holidays, having someone to talk/share with, loneliness, sex (i.e. not having it!), childlessness and living alone. Obviously these weren't all issues for everyone - some single people do have children, and not all live alone. But it was interesting to see people's responses, and the comments they made about each of the issues.
Psalm 139 is one of the best-known and most beautiful parts of the Bible, talking about how God created us, and has known us since before we were born. It's so important for each one of us to really know and understand and experience for ourselves just how much God loves us.
In The Message paraphrase of the Bible, part of Psalm 139 reads like this -
"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God - you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvellously made!
I worship in adoration - what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
the days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day."
So the challenge for me as a single Christian is - how will I live my life to the full, how will I be the very best 'me' that I can be, how will I be most fully and completely the person God knows I can be, so that he is glorified? I don't want to be defined by what I am not and what I don't have - not married, no children. I want to be defined by who I am - a child of God, made in his image, loved for all time, and created for a purpose.
This is why the book has the title it has. I've known for as long as I've thought about writing a book that it would be called Single Minded - I am a single-minded God-follower. Nothing and no one is more important to me than he is. He guides my life and shapes my days. I am single, that's just how it is. But I choose to be single minded in my devotion to him.
Anyway, I thought it might be fun, between now and then (by way of whetting your appetite!) to blog about each of the chapters in turn. So off we go with Chapter 1, entitled 'Wholly Single'.
In this chapter, I begin to explore what it means to live the 'full life' that Jesus promised us in John 10:10. How, as a single person, do I live a full life? What if I long to be married, to have someone with whom to share my life? What if I don't have children, but would dearly love to have them? What if the current circumstances of my life are not those which I would have chosen? What if I hope for marriage one day (soon)? Or what if I don't actually hope for marriage, but am simply trying to work out how to live this single life well? What does a full life look like for a single person?
If it's sometimes true to say that single people feel 'less' than whole people, then why is that? Is it because we ourselves are unhappy in our singleness, or unfulfilled, or desperate for life to be different? Or is it actually that it's society, the people around us, who have the problem with our singleness, rather than us? Is it simply that it can often be quite difficult to be single in our world today, for a whole host of complicated reasons?
In this chapter I share the results of a survey that I did amongst a number of single Christian friends. They kindly answered a whole host of questions about what being single felt like for them. They listed the following 'single issues' in order, based on how much of an issue they felt them to be - lack of touch, organising holidays, having someone to talk/share with, loneliness, sex (i.e. not having it!), childlessness and living alone. Obviously these weren't all issues for everyone - some single people do have children, and not all live alone. But it was interesting to see people's responses, and the comments they made about each of the issues.
Psalm 139 is one of the best-known and most beautiful parts of the Bible, talking about how God created us, and has known us since before we were born. It's so important for each one of us to really know and understand and experience for ourselves just how much God loves us.
In The Message paraphrase of the Bible, part of Psalm 139 reads like this -
"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God - you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvellously made!
I worship in adoration - what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
the days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day."
So the challenge for me as a single Christian is - how will I live my life to the full, how will I be the very best 'me' that I can be, how will I be most fully and completely the person God knows I can be, so that he is glorified? I don't want to be defined by what I am not and what I don't have - not married, no children. I want to be defined by who I am - a child of God, made in his image, loved for all time, and created for a purpose.
This is why the book has the title it has. I've known for as long as I've thought about writing a book that it would be called Single Minded - I am a single-minded God-follower. Nothing and no one is more important to me than he is. He guides my life and shapes my days. I am single, that's just how it is. But I choose to be single minded in my devotion to him.
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
So, I've written a book!
Yes, apparently it's true. Apparently I really have written a book. I find this fairly astonishing. I actually have very little idea as to how it happened. In fact I wouldn't believe it all if it wasn't for the fact that I have a shiny book jacket with my name on sitting on my desk, and a quick online search reveals that something claiming to have been written by me is now available for pre-order. (But don't order online - order direct from me!!).
So many people have asked me how I went about it - how long did it take? when did I find the time? how did I get a publisher? how did I decide what to write about? had I always wanted to write a book?
The answers to most of those questions are boringly mundane really! I hadn't ever really thought very much about writing a book - it wasn't so much that I did or didn't want to, as that I couldn't ever conceive of doing it. I might as well have thought about unicycling around the British Isles! I knew people who had written books, certainly, and they were intelligent, academic, articulate people. I didn't feel as though I was any of those things, and I certainly didn't think I was 'clever enough' to write a book.
Even if I had got as far as thinking I might like to write a book, I wouldn't have had much of a clue as to what I might write about. I love reading books, but one of the consequences of reading a lot is that it can seem as though pretty much every book you could think of has already been written. I couldn't have really imagined what I might have to say that would add anything to what had already been said.
I'd read a few books on singleness, but not many - mainly because there didn't seem to be many around. I'd read a few from the US, which were interesting, but coming from a very different social and cultural background from ours here in the UK. I also hadn't really heard many talks on the subject. That was ok - it didn't seem to be a huge lack in my life. I was aware, however, and especially as I got older, that there were occasionally times when there was something of a miscommunication between me and my married friends, or when the language which was used in church suddenly felt a bit jarring.
[Throughout this time God was speaking to me about my own singleness and what that might look like for the future - but that's another story... (you'll have to read the book to find out more!)]
One day I was asked if I would speak at one of the New Wine summer conferences about singleness. I said no, because to be perfectly honest, having not read or heard much on the subject, I just wasn't quite sure what there was to say. Was this an area that really needed teaching on? And if it did, was I the person to do it? I wasn't at all sure. It seemed that God had different ideas though, because suddenly one morning I woke up with 2 seminar titles in my mind, and I was completely certain that I had to speak on those 2 subjects (that sort of thing doesn't happen to me often!). I did do those 2 talks, and have since done them in other places too, and those 2 titles became 2 chapter titles in the book - 'Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world' and 'Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage-obsessed church'. (I knew the titles came from God and not from me because they were actually rather good!).
As I did those first 2 talks, and then subsequently as I did others in the months which followed, something began to stir in me. I found myself getting more and more passionate about the topic. I loved speaking about singleness! I loved reading about it and thinking about it and talking about it. I enjoyed meeting other single people and hearing their stories and learning from them and encouraging them.
Then one day, my friend said, "you know all these talks you're doing - you've got a few chapter headings for a book there." And I thought "ha ha, that's really funny." But the thought didn't go away. I kept wondering about it, and thinking of ways in which it actually might work. The problem was that I had no idea how to actually go about writing a book, and I was worried that no one would be interested in it anyway. I spoke to another friend, who had written a number of books themselves (one of the intelligent ones I mentioned!). He very kindly introduced me to Monarch, who had published some of his books, and they agreed to read some draft chapters. I thought there wouldn't be any harm in sending them a couple to see what they said.
From there, the whole thing just snowballed. I look back on it now and I can't remember quite how it all happened. I don't even recall the precise moment at which I thought "yes, let's do this." I just know that I started to write, and I found that I had things to say, and I really, really enjoyed it. Of course it was hard work fitting it in around everything else I was doing, but let's face it, we always find times for the things we enjoy doing, and we should always find times for the things we're called to do - and this was both of those!
As the deadline approached (terrifyingly quickly) there were a few crazed evenings where I finished 'work' at 10pm and then started on the book, sometimes not finishing till 2am. That wasn't a huge amount of fun. But the sense of achievement on getting to the end was amazing. I am SO excited about this thing that I have produced! I really hope other people like it too, and find it useful, but whatever happens, it's been an amazing experience. I'm pretty sure that if I can do it, you can do it, so if this has always been your dream, then why not give it a go!
Over the next few weeks I'll blog a bit about each of the chapters, to whet your appetite a bit, ahead of the release of the book in June. It is SO exciting and SO terrifying!
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So many people have asked me how I went about it - how long did it take? when did I find the time? how did I get a publisher? how did I decide what to write about? had I always wanted to write a book?
The answers to most of those questions are boringly mundane really! I hadn't ever really thought very much about writing a book - it wasn't so much that I did or didn't want to, as that I couldn't ever conceive of doing it. I might as well have thought about unicycling around the British Isles! I knew people who had written books, certainly, and they were intelligent, academic, articulate people. I didn't feel as though I was any of those things, and I certainly didn't think I was 'clever enough' to write a book.
Even if I had got as far as thinking I might like to write a book, I wouldn't have had much of a clue as to what I might write about. I love reading books, but one of the consequences of reading a lot is that it can seem as though pretty much every book you could think of has already been written. I couldn't have really imagined what I might have to say that would add anything to what had already been said.
I'd read a few books on singleness, but not many - mainly because there didn't seem to be many around. I'd read a few from the US, which were interesting, but coming from a very different social and cultural background from ours here in the UK. I also hadn't really heard many talks on the subject. That was ok - it didn't seem to be a huge lack in my life. I was aware, however, and especially as I got older, that there were occasionally times when there was something of a miscommunication between me and my married friends, or when the language which was used in church suddenly felt a bit jarring.
[Throughout this time God was speaking to me about my own singleness and what that might look like for the future - but that's another story... (you'll have to read the book to find out more!)]
One day I was asked if I would speak at one of the New Wine summer conferences about singleness. I said no, because to be perfectly honest, having not read or heard much on the subject, I just wasn't quite sure what there was to say. Was this an area that really needed teaching on? And if it did, was I the person to do it? I wasn't at all sure. It seemed that God had different ideas though, because suddenly one morning I woke up with 2 seminar titles in my mind, and I was completely certain that I had to speak on those 2 subjects (that sort of thing doesn't happen to me often!). I did do those 2 talks, and have since done them in other places too, and those 2 titles became 2 chapter titles in the book - 'Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world' and 'Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage-obsessed church'. (I knew the titles came from God and not from me because they were actually rather good!).
As I did those first 2 talks, and then subsequently as I did others in the months which followed, something began to stir in me. I found myself getting more and more passionate about the topic. I loved speaking about singleness! I loved reading about it and thinking about it and talking about it. I enjoyed meeting other single people and hearing their stories and learning from them and encouraging them.
Then one day, my friend said, "you know all these talks you're doing - you've got a few chapter headings for a book there." And I thought "ha ha, that's really funny." But the thought didn't go away. I kept wondering about it, and thinking of ways in which it actually might work. The problem was that I had no idea how to actually go about writing a book, and I was worried that no one would be interested in it anyway. I spoke to another friend, who had written a number of books themselves (one of the intelligent ones I mentioned!). He very kindly introduced me to Monarch, who had published some of his books, and they agreed to read some draft chapters. I thought there wouldn't be any harm in sending them a couple to see what they said.
From there, the whole thing just snowballed. I look back on it now and I can't remember quite how it all happened. I don't even recall the precise moment at which I thought "yes, let's do this." I just know that I started to write, and I found that I had things to say, and I really, really enjoyed it. Of course it was hard work fitting it in around everything else I was doing, but let's face it, we always find times for the things we enjoy doing, and we should always find times for the things we're called to do - and this was both of those!
As the deadline approached (terrifyingly quickly) there were a few crazed evenings where I finished 'work' at 10pm and then started on the book, sometimes not finishing till 2am. That wasn't a huge amount of fun. But the sense of achievement on getting to the end was amazing. I am SO excited about this thing that I have produced! I really hope other people like it too, and find it useful, but whatever happens, it's been an amazing experience. I'm pretty sure that if I can do it, you can do it, so if this has always been your dream, then why not give it a go!
Over the next few weeks I'll blog a bit about each of the chapters, to whet your appetite a bit, ahead of the release of the book in June. It is SO exciting and SO terrifying!
.jpg)
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