I wrote last week about 'the power of positive touch' - looking at one of the '5 Love Languages' which Gary Chapman describes in his book. This week I thought I'd write about the one which is my primary love language - what Chapman calls 'words of affirmation'.
When I first read the book and did the little quiz at the back to find out the order in which the 5 Love Languages apply to me, I'd never given this issue any thought at all. It had never occurred to me that the different ways in which love could be expressed or received would have any particularly different impact on people. My score came out as showing Words of Affirmation to be my love language - a long way ahead of any of the others!
It was years ago that I first read the book and since then I've come to realise that it really does make a lot of sense - and knowing this about myself really helps!
Words matter hugely to me. I've always loved words. I love writing, and reading. I also love preaching and teaching. I try to use words carefully. I sometimes speak off the cuff, but more often I carefully prepare what I'm going to say, spending time crafting each phrase and sentence. I remember words - things I've heard in sermons or during conversations; song words; snippets from films or novels.
When I wrote my book a couple of years ago I weighed each word very carefully. Words have great power - they can bless or hurt; criticise or encourage; thank or reject; teach or stifle.
I've known for a very long time that the saying "sticks and bones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was utter nonsense. If I didn't know it before, I learnt it the hard way at school, when a few people used a few words, for quite a long time, to hurt me a very great deal. Because if course, if you're someone who remembers the good words, then you're also going to remember the bad ones. Words that people have used to hurt me or criticise me never leave me. They continue going round and round my head for a long time after they've been spoken - and going round and round my heart for longer still.
Unfortunately, and perhaps inevitably, I'm much better at remembering the negative words than the positive ones - maybe we all are.
Because Words of Affirmation are my primary love language, I'm only really able to feel loved and appreciated when positive words are used. For instance, you might buy me a lovely present, but no card. I'm afraid though I'll feel more loved by the person who writes me a beautiful message in a card but doesn't give me a present at all! (It may be a mistake to admit this publicly. Maybe I'll never be bought a present again. I do like presents too, honest...). It's true though - I just love cards and letters and emails and texts with kind, encouraging, appreciative words. I have a habit of keeping cards and letters which have meant a lot to me - I have boxes full of them. and although I hardly ever look at them, each one means a huge amount to me. I would move quickly to save them if my house was burning down!
I write a lot of cards to people myself. It's one of the quirks of the Love Languages that we often show love in the way we like to receive it - so I have a habit of using lots of Words of Affirmation with others, even though I'm well aware that if it isn't also their Love Language, they won't be that interested in it!
I've been reflecting lately on what it looks like to be a single person, who lives alone, whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation. Obviously people around me give me words of affirmation - friends, colleagues, people at church - and that's great. But I wonder whether for me, especially as an extrovert, one of the losses is immediately after an event or a meeting or a service or whatever, when I really just need someone to tell me I did well. Or even just on a day to day basis, needing someone to tell me they value me and what I've done.
I guess because of that I massively appreciate it when it does happen - so huge thanks to the colleague this week who emailed me not 5 minutes after a difficult meeting had ended, to tell me I'd done a great job.
I'm aware in this area there's the potential for sin (as in all of life!) - I don't want to become so reliant on Words of Affirmation that I become vain or proud or needy. But nevertheless there's a right awareness I think, of who we are, and how we are made, and a recognition of what we need. And of course it's a godly and appropriate thing to thank and encourage one another.
Perhaps we all need to consider how we use our words towards others (and towards ourselves). If you're a fellow WoA person like me - may you be blessed by words far more than you are hurt by them. You're doing great!
Thursday 25 June 2015
Friday 19 June 2015
The power of positive touch
Gosh it's been an unbelievably long time since I last blogged! Sorry about that... I've been variously busy, and ill, and on holiday! I'm definitely going to try to get back to doing this regularly. So here goes...
I wonder if you've come across the idea of the Five Love Languages? If you're a regular churchy type person then I'd be surprised if you haven't at least heard of them because they seem to be all over the place! They are outlined in a book by an American author called Gary Chapman and you can find out more here - www.5lovelanguages.com
When I first read the book I admit I was pretty sceptical. The premise is that there are 5 main ways that we give and receive love, and that every person has 1 primary love language, that is 1 preferred way in which they receive love. I couldn't really imagine how that could be true - how could every human being on the planet fit into 1 of these 5 categories and conform to 1 of these patterns? Well, needless to say, it isn't quite as straight forward as that, but nevertheless as I read the book I had one 'aha!' moment after another - it really did make sense!
The Five Love Languages are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. I'm going to blog about each of them over the next little while, and ponder a bit on how we might be able to give and receive love in each of these ways - and how being single might impact on that.
Although it isn't my primary love language, I'm going to start with Physical Touch. The reason for that is that the idea of blogging about the love languages came to me yesterday as I was having a back massage! I absolutely LOVE having massages, but until a couple of years ago I'd only ever done so a few times. But then I had a bad car accident and, although fortunately I was unhurt, a kind friend gave me a voucher for a massage to help me relax and recover. It was lovely, and the salon 'just happened' to have an offer on at the time where if you paid for 4 massages you got 6. I paid for the course, and by the end of it I was hooked! They have such offers on regularly, and I've been booking them ever since. Every time I reach the end of a course I tell myself it's an outrageous extravagance, and I can't afford it, and I'm going to stop, but then every time I book again! It really helps with my shoulders, which have been dodgy and painful for years (the physio even said I should keep going!), plus it's lovely and relaxing and feels like such a treat!
Anyway, as I was lying there having the massage, I began to think that actually it's quite a weird thing to do. I was practically naked, and somebody I didn't know was rubbing oil onto my back and running her hands all over it! As a single person, that's far and away the most intimate touch I ever receive. Perhaps if you're in a sexual relationship and used to being naked in front of someone else, and to intimate touch, it feels less of an issue - but after all it is still a complete stranger that's doing it!
In spite of the slight oddness of it though, I still really enjoy it (I just find it's best not to over analyse it or it would weird me out - a bit like when I go swimming and think "essentially we're all just in our underwear in front of a load of people we don't know"!). Yes, I enjoy the relaxation of it all, and the lovely smells, and how chilled out I feel afterwards - but I also enjoy the touch. It's good to be touched by another human being once in a while!
For single people (I guess most particularly those who live alone, and don't have kids) lack of touch can be a real issue. I imagine if you're single and Physical Touch is your primary love language, that could be really hard, as you would potentially feel very lacking in love and affection.
This has surely got to be something that, as Christians, we can do something about! Lots of churches have a custom of 'sharing the peace' which can be anything from a handshake to a hug to a peck on both cheeks - but (if you want!!) can be a good way of receiving some appropriate physical touch.
[Of course, it can also go the other way, as evidenced by this conversation in the Vicar of Dibley:
David Horton: Am I alone on Sundays in preferring not to shake hands with the malodorous creature in the next pew?
Jim Trott: No no no no... I quite like that bit.
David Horton: Let alone kiss them?
Jim Trott: I love that bit!]
I know that several days can go by when really, I've barely touched another human being. I might have touched hands with the person serving me in the supermarket, or brushed past someone on the street, but there's been no 'real' touch - no affection, no validation, no warmth. It then feels really good when someone hugs me, or gives me a kiss on the cheek, or puts their hand on my arm as we talk (someone I know that is - it's not so great if a randomer does it!). Some people can't bear physical touch, of course, so there's an element of permission-giving required here too.
But perhaps we could all think a bit more about how to bless our friends whose love language is Physical Touch, and how to make sure we ourselves receive enough touch so that we know we're loved. And I think I'll carry on booking those massages...!
If you're in any doubt as to the power of touch, take a look at this -
I wonder if you've come across the idea of the Five Love Languages? If you're a regular churchy type person then I'd be surprised if you haven't at least heard of them because they seem to be all over the place! They are outlined in a book by an American author called Gary Chapman and you can find out more here - www.5lovelanguages.com
When I first read the book I admit I was pretty sceptical. The premise is that there are 5 main ways that we give and receive love, and that every person has 1 primary love language, that is 1 preferred way in which they receive love. I couldn't really imagine how that could be true - how could every human being on the planet fit into 1 of these 5 categories and conform to 1 of these patterns? Well, needless to say, it isn't quite as straight forward as that, but nevertheless as I read the book I had one 'aha!' moment after another - it really did make sense!
The Five Love Languages are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. I'm going to blog about each of them over the next little while, and ponder a bit on how we might be able to give and receive love in each of these ways - and how being single might impact on that.
Although it isn't my primary love language, I'm going to start with Physical Touch. The reason for that is that the idea of blogging about the love languages came to me yesterday as I was having a back massage! I absolutely LOVE having massages, but until a couple of years ago I'd only ever done so a few times. But then I had a bad car accident and, although fortunately I was unhurt, a kind friend gave me a voucher for a massage to help me relax and recover. It was lovely, and the salon 'just happened' to have an offer on at the time where if you paid for 4 massages you got 6. I paid for the course, and by the end of it I was hooked! They have such offers on regularly, and I've been booking them ever since. Every time I reach the end of a course I tell myself it's an outrageous extravagance, and I can't afford it, and I'm going to stop, but then every time I book again! It really helps with my shoulders, which have been dodgy and painful for years (the physio even said I should keep going!), plus it's lovely and relaxing and feels like such a treat!
Anyway, as I was lying there having the massage, I began to think that actually it's quite a weird thing to do. I was practically naked, and somebody I didn't know was rubbing oil onto my back and running her hands all over it! As a single person, that's far and away the most intimate touch I ever receive. Perhaps if you're in a sexual relationship and used to being naked in front of someone else, and to intimate touch, it feels less of an issue - but after all it is still a complete stranger that's doing it!
In spite of the slight oddness of it though, I still really enjoy it (I just find it's best not to over analyse it or it would weird me out - a bit like when I go swimming and think "essentially we're all just in our underwear in front of a load of people we don't know"!). Yes, I enjoy the relaxation of it all, and the lovely smells, and how chilled out I feel afterwards - but I also enjoy the touch. It's good to be touched by another human being once in a while!
For single people (I guess most particularly those who live alone, and don't have kids) lack of touch can be a real issue. I imagine if you're single and Physical Touch is your primary love language, that could be really hard, as you would potentially feel very lacking in love and affection.
This has surely got to be something that, as Christians, we can do something about! Lots of churches have a custom of 'sharing the peace' which can be anything from a handshake to a hug to a peck on both cheeks - but (if you want!!) can be a good way of receiving some appropriate physical touch.
[Of course, it can also go the other way, as evidenced by this conversation in the Vicar of Dibley:
David Horton: Am I alone on Sundays in preferring not to shake hands with the malodorous creature in the next pew?
Jim Trott: No no no no... I quite like that bit.
David Horton: Let alone kiss them?
Jim Trott: I love that bit!]
I know that several days can go by when really, I've barely touched another human being. I might have touched hands with the person serving me in the supermarket, or brushed past someone on the street, but there's been no 'real' touch - no affection, no validation, no warmth. It then feels really good when someone hugs me, or gives me a kiss on the cheek, or puts their hand on my arm as we talk (someone I know that is - it's not so great if a randomer does it!). Some people can't bear physical touch, of course, so there's an element of permission-giving required here too.
But perhaps we could all think a bit more about how to bless our friends whose love language is Physical Touch, and how to make sure we ourselves receive enough touch so that we know we're loved. And I think I'll carry on booking those massages...!
If you're in any doubt as to the power of touch, take a look at this -
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