Sabbatical - 4 weeks in...

Well gosh, I have no idea where the past 4 weeks have gone! On October 16th I said farewell to my lovely church, who were kind & generous in letting me disappear for 4 months. And all of a sudden 1/4 of the time has gone! I had meant to blog as time went by but I'm afraid this is the first time I've got round to doing it (mind you, it's not as if anything else much has been going on in the world, has it?!). So here follows a random and rambling account of some of my experiences, thoughts and reflections one month in... [warning - this is an entire blog post which does not mention the US Presidential election...!]

* Hoorah for wonderful friends and relaxing holidays. I spent a gorgeous week in south Wales with my best friend, her lovely husband, and their fabulous and adorable children (ages 10, 8 & 6). It was so much fun - the weather was beautiful and we did loads of walking, playing games, watching movies, drinking beer, eating ice cream and laughing! I always have Christmas breakfast with them, and because I'm going to be away this year we decided to do an early Christmas, so before the kids got up on our first morning there, we decorated the dining room and put out stockings for everyone. They were SO excited! (Once they'd established they were still going to get the real Christmas at the proper time!). We had a full Christmas dinner, wore our onesies for half of the day, and it was splendid. I am so amazingly grateful for the families who let me be a part of their lives. I love just hanging out with them, being part of the kids' lives as they grow up, joining in the day to day chaos of family life. It's a massive blessing to me.

* Silent retreats are AMAZING! I decided a while ago to do my first silent retreat during this sabbatical. I'd heard lots of good things about St. Beuno's - http://www.beunos.com/ - so I booked on a retreat there. I thought about the 8 day retreat but in the end opted for what they call the 'midweek' retreat - which is really only 3 full days. It was fantastic! It helped that the weather was great, so I could go for lots of lovely long walks, and enjoy the beautiful scenery in autumn. The whole thing was set up and run brilliantly, so that the silence was made easy, rather than awkward. Each day I met with my retreat director for half an hour, which enabled me to process my thoughts and what God was saying. Worshipping in a completely different style from what I'm used to meant that I couldn't just 'go through the motions', but rather had to simply allow myself to enter in to it. (It was also a helpful reminder of how 'alien' church must seem to those who aren't familiar with it, as I tried to work out the ins and outs of the Mass!). It was absolutely glorious to have that time and space to just BE, and to really be able to listen to God without feeling like 1000 other thoughts were crowding in. I am massively extrovert, and wasn't sure whether my head would explore part way through Day 2 (most of my friends fell about laughing when I told them I was planning this) - but I loved it, I would recommend it, and I will definitely be doing it again.

* Preparing to go abroad for 11 weeks is stressful! The last time I did anything like this was my gap year, when I went overseas for 7 months - but I was young then!!! This time I cheerfully booked the flights, then got caught up in the busyness of day to day life, and suddenly found myself going "AAAARGH - HOW LONG?!" Packing for that length of time is a challenge, especially as I'll be in climates between 5 and 25 degrees! For someone who is as fond of shoes as I am, that aspect alone of the packing has been tricky. At the moment I think I have it down to 4 pairs, which I am rather proud of - but the suitcase isn't yet locked, so anything could happen...

* Having time to sleep, and pray, and sit, and read, and think, and journal, and listen, is really rather wonderful. Clearly in an ideal world one would have time for all of those things on a daily basis! But you know what it's like - life gets in the way sometimes! I hope and pray that one of the things this sabbatical will do is to realign things in me in some way - I don't just want to enjoy these 4 months of getting enough sleep and reading lots of books and always finding time to be still, and then afterwards hurtle straight back into crazy-busy-ville. No, I want to find within these 4 months a pattern and a rhythm of life which I'll then maintain once I get back into work. Even for a serious activist like me, prayer and time with God has to be at the heart of it all - or nothing else will work!

I do realise that I'm extremely blessed and fortunate to have this time available to me - and I apologise if you're reading this thinking "I could definitely flipping use 4 months off!" It's not *just* a great big holiday, I promise! Among other things, I very much hope to write half of a book! (My friend Joanna will be writing the other half!). And I hope to learn a lot from hanging out with amazing Christians and churches in the US, especially about the ways in which they're seeking to minister to those within their communities struggling with debt, addiction, poverty and injustice.

I'll try to blog more regularly once I'm in the next phase of sabbatical - I'm looking forward to all that God has in store...!

Here are a few photos which sum up the time so far...

Just one...?

I've just got back from a short break in Dublin. I'd never been, and it turns out Dublin is a beautiful, fabulous city. You may have already known that! But if you didn't, I'm telling you - you need to go! I visited St. Patrick's and Christ Church Cathedrals, Dublinia, the GPO and the Witness History, Dublin Castle, did a walking tour, the Literary Pub Crawl, the 1916 'Beyond the Barricades' bus experience, went to Once at the theatre, did a tasting tour at the Irish Whiskey Museum, saw the Book of Kells at Trinity College and travelled all over the place on the open top tourist bus. I also ate a lot of food and drank a lot of beer! All in all, it was a very splendid holiday. I could have lived with the sun shining a bit more, but that's my only real complaint...!

It was a fairly last minute decision to go to Dublin. I went to Ljubljana for a week in May with a friend (also a gorgeous and wonderful city!), and am lucky enough to have a sabbatical from mid-October, some of which I'll be spending in the US. With all that going on, I hadn't really planned in much other time away - but it turns out that almost a whole year with only 1 week of actual holiday isn't really enough! So, to stop myself from losing the plot entirely I squeezed in this almost-a-week away.

I have a lovely friend with whom I go on holiday fairly often - generally once a year for the past several years. We like pretty much the same things, holiday-wise, so it works well, and we've got a good system going now! I also occasionally go away with my best friend's family, or I go to stay with friends around the country. That's all good.

There are times, however, when I want to go away, but either there's no one available to go away with, or we don't want to go to the same place, or we're not free at the same time, or whatever. It's the single person's holiday curse! In the not-at-all scientific survey I did of some single friends while I was writing my book, I asked them to rate various 'issues' faced by single people. 'Lack of touch' came out at the top of the list of things people struggled with, and 'holidays' came in second.

Whenever I share this list with groups of people when I'm speaking about singleness, married people are generally surprised by holidays being on the list, and certainly it isn't usually something they would guess. (The single people, of course, TOTALLY get it!).

It's a dilemma, especially for me as an extrovert. When I told some people that I was going away on my own, they sort of went quiet, and looked at me in that certain special way and asked "er, are you going to be... ok?" I tended to grin and cheerfully announce "well, there's only one way to find out...!"

I have been away on my own before, for a couple of days to London, and for a few days to Morpeth. However this time was my first holiday "abroad" (I know, it's Dublin not the Far East - but still!). It was only for 5 days and 4 nights, but that's a long time to not know whether I'd have any sort of meaningful conversation with another human person!

Anyway, the good news is that it was fabulous, almost all of the time. It helped that the Olympics was on, so when I got back to my hotel room each evening I could catch up on the day's events. It helped that the hotel had wifi so that I could spend time on social media when I was there - in fact that and a central location were my only 2 real requirements hotel-wise.

Often when I speak about singleness I have conversations with people who are too scared to go on holiday on their own. Sometimes they're too scared to go out for a meal or to the cinema or theatre on their own. I get that, I really do. But the thing is this - how much are you willing to miss out on? All those places you won't have visited, all those restaurants you won't have eaten in, all those films and plays and shows you won't have seen. So be brave! If I can do it, you can (and actually if you're more of an introvert than me, you might jump at the chance!).

So below (in no particular order) I offer you a few plus points of holidaying alone, a few suggestions of things which might help, as well as a few light-hearted grumbles and warnings...

• The first and most obvious positive is that you get to make all the decisions! Where to go, what to do, what time to eat, what time to sleep, etc etc. You can entirely please yourself, and it's marvellous!
• There is, though, a direct flipside to this, which is - you have to make all the decisions! Sometimes it would be nice to just have someone else make a suggestion, or a decision.
• Do take a book with you everywhere you go. It is a million times easier to sit in a cafe, restaurant, pub or bar while reading, than simply doing nothing. I tend to take my tablet and then I can read the newspaper or my kindle app or whatever. Without that I would get bored more quickly and also feel more awkward.
• Vary the things you do each day between things where you're on your own, or things where you'll be mixing with other people. I make a bit of a plan each evening about what I might do the next day.
• Sign up for some trips, or tours, where you'll mix with other people. All the tours I've ever done on holidays have included some people travelling alone. It's great, as you get to spend a bit of time within a group, and to share the experience with others. The walking tours and literary tours I did in Dublin were great for this, and on the literary pub crawl in particular I got chatting to some other girls travelling alone or in pairs.
• One annoying thing is there's no one else with you, so they can't go and reserve a table while you order or pay. The number of times I've missed out on a cafe table because someone behind me in the queue has had a friend to go and bagsy a table for them...!
• If you're going to the theatre and there's an interval, my suggestion is to buy a programme. I know they're ridiculously overpriced and are 80% adverts, but it really helps in the interval to have something to do! I never quite feel I can get out my book, but flicking through a programme helps me to feel less of a spare part!
• The last night was tricky. It was a Friday and I simply hadn't bargained for how busy everywhere would be. I wanted to find a pub with traditional music but everywhere was rammed. I wandered around for ages getting more and more hungry (hangry, if I'm totally honest!). I ended up in one pub where there were no tables, but you could sit at the bar and order snacks. I did so, and for 15 minutes was ignored by the bar and waiting staff. RUDE! I left...
• Do be brave - do the things you feel like doing, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks! I know it's a cliche to say you'll never have to see these people again - but it's a cliche because it's true! This was especially true for me on the last night. After my slightly trying evening, when I eventually did find a pub to eat in, I wanted a last-night treat. I ordered the special - lobster salad. The waiter genuinely paused, looked me up and down, and said "for one?" I thought "how many do you flipping well think it's for?" It's not as if it was a sharing platter - it was a single meal, for one, and I was on my own. So what if it was a fancy meal - I fancied it! I love lobster, I was near the coast, the seafood was amazing. Out loud, I said "yes, please." In my head, I said "DO AS I ASK AND BRING ME A LOBSTER AT ONCE, MY MAN." 
• In a similar vein, eat ice cream, or chips, or order Prosecco, or whatever the heck you feel like doing, regardless of whether you're on your own. Why shouldn't you?!
• The one thing that did drive me a bit mad while I was in Dublin, and prompted me to start mulling over this blog post, and was the inspiration for the title, was the number of times I went in somewhere and was asked "just one...?" Restaurants, cafes, bars, even, bizarrely, a bus... I have reached the point where I have no shame about this. Yes, I am only one, and I may well occupy a table that could take 2 or even 4. So what? I will spend money that is as good as theirs - and if you'd seen me eat, you'd realise I may even spend as much as they would! If people are rude about this, I leave. Whatevs. If they're friendly and accommodating, it scores them many points - I will return. I'm not deliberately difficult - if I start off at a big table and a smaller one becomes available I'll happily move, but I have as much right as anyone else to a table in the first place!
• I was on the open-topped bus one time and someone on their own got up to get off. The driver (who fancied himself as a bit of a "comedian" started to chat (into the mic which the whole bus could hear) - "where's the rest of your gang then? What - you're on your own? Billy-no-mates are you?" How flipping cheeky is that? When I got off I raced down the aisle and straight off, because if he'd said something like that to me then I can't guarantee I'd have been polite!
• I wonder what's in people's heads, sometimes, with this "just one...?" business. Is it that they could never conceive of going out, or away, on their own? Is it that they think you must have temporarily mislaid your partner or friend, and they're pointing it out in case you go "oh flip, I knew I'd forgotten something!" I mean, I realise it could just be a request for information - "what is the size of your party so that I know what facilities you require?" - but 9 times out of 10 it doesn't feel like that. And the question "table for one?" is perfectly reasonable, and generally I say it myself as I walk in. But it's the "*just...*?" that gets me - the unspoken feeling of "good gracious what on earth is wrong with you?" But maybe I'm just over sensitive...

Anyway, what about you? I'd love to hear. Do you agree, or disagree? Have you holidayed alone? How did it go? Or would you like to but have never quite had the nerve? Do share your thoughts and stories.

And to end, the final downside of holidaying alone - you end up with lots of photos of where you've been, but hardly any of you! (I know, I know, selfies, but I feel so daft!). And so here is the only photographic evidence I have that I was actually in Dublin at all - from the Irish Whiskey Museum, no less!

The single issues(s)

(With apologies to Al Hsu for the corruption of his book title!). But actually I really recommend the book (alongside my own of course!) - The Single Issue, by Al Hsu, published by Monarch.

So, what are some of the issues which face single people? When I was writing the book I came up with a list of things. It's in no way a scientific or even a representative list - I just sat and pondered for a bit and came up with these 7 things. They may more accurately reflect me and my issues than they do anyone else's! But certainly whenever I've spoken on this topic there have been enough heads nodding to make to me think I'm not completely off in my own world on this.

One of the fun things about writing the book was that I asked lots of my single friends to fill in questionnaires, and many generously did so. Their stories appear throughout the book. They also gave some useful data and information.

So I thought I'd unpack below the 7 issues I identified, and why I think they are (or can be) issues for single people.

The one which came out top of the list, as being a significant issue for 54% of people, was 'lack of touch'. This is interesting because it wouldn't be the top of my list, and it's hardly ever what people guess as top of the list when I ask them. But it clearly is something which some people struggle with - perhaps particularly if 'physical touch' is one of their Love Languages (see http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ if you don't know what they are!).

I can see why this is an issue for so many single people. If you live alone, as many single people do (or even if you don't), then you may really miss having someone around to 'touch'. This isn't particularly even about sexual or romantic touch - but simply the lack of a hug, a touch on the shoulder, a pat on the arm - those normal human interactions which remind us that we're alive, and not alone in the world. Depending on how we spend our time, we might go several days without any touch from another person, and this can't be good for our wellbeing. Clearly some people value touch much more than others, but for all of us there are times when we just long for another person to show us they care, and they are there, in some physical way.

I think the church has a huge opportunity here to help when people are struggling with this. We can be in the ministry of hugs! (Go easy though - some people would run screaming from the building, never to return, if greeted in church with a barrage of hugs!). But let's be aware of one another's needs, and get touchy - in a good way!

Second on the list, and an issue for 44% of people, was holidays. This is an interesting one. It's perhaps the one that's hardest for married people to understand. And maybe, if you're part of a big family which holidays together, or you have a strong group of friends that always go away together, this won't be an issue for you as a single person either. But for lots of single people this is a biggie! I know it is for me.

I've had some great holidays with some great friends, but it's always a big source of stress. Holidays are massively important to me, I love to travel and I love to do exciting things on holiday. But planning and organising holidays by myself is hard. I have to decide whether to go alone, or with some sort of group, or with friends. If on my own, I have to bite the bullet and be very brave, If with a group I have to take a risk that it'll work out (btw I can recommend Imaginative Traveller - independent group holiday firm; I've had some great trips with them). If with friends I have to pluck up the courage to ask, we have to sync dates, decide on a destination we both want to go to, and hope we'll still be friends by the end!

There are places that I haven't been to, and holidays I haven't been on, because I don't want to do them on my own (although there are also places I have been on my own and had an amazing time!). [I'm deliberately setting out some of the negative issues here - I realise as someone without children I also have a huge amount of flexibility regarding holidays, which I'm very grateful for].

The third issue, which 39% of people identified with, is not having someone around to talk to and share with. [Again the caveat here - we're not wearing rose tinted glasses. We understand that there are issues in marriages too and there isn't always lovely harmonious conversation at the end of each day! But we're simply describing something we 'miss'].

This is a big one for me, being such an extrovert. I find it really hard to process things, make decisions, plan, reflect etc without having someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I think about something until I've talked about it! It's hard to get in after a long or difficult meeting and not be able to offload; or to have a talk to prepare and no one to go over it with; or a big decision to make and no one to weigh up the pros and cons with, or an amazing thing that's happened and no one to share it with. I have fabulous (patient, long suffering...) friends who allow me to download my brain for hours on the phone or in person, and that's great, but it's rarely 'in the moment', so I often have to store things up till I see them (or risk inappropriate sharing with the next random stranger I see...).

My need to share/talk/process is why I love social media so much (and, lately, blogging). It enables me to share something as it's happening and get feedback and comments. I know some people think it's inane to post about the mundane stuff of life but it really helps me to feel less isolated. So yay to all my Facebook friends and Twitter followers!

The fourth issue, which came in at 32% was loneliness. This is usually the one which people I'm speaking to guess will have been top! I don't know why it wasn't as almost all single people do identify it as an issue for them at least some of the time. I've blogged about it elsewhere so won't say much more - but just that I think this is another area where the church can massively help out. We really need to do better at the whole community thing - being there for people at significant life moments, helping out with household stuff, chilling out with people without any big agenda - basically just doing life together. In some places this is happening so beautifully. I really think it could be hugely significant to us reaching the 18-30s generation as it's a big issue for so many of them. So come on church - step up!

The fifth issue was sex (that is, not having it!) with 24%. I'm going to post more about this another time (you may or may not be pleased to know!!). Perhaps inevitably this is the issue that most people find it the hardest to talk about so it's hard to know exactly people's thoughts/difficulties. I wonder whether it's harder for those who have been in sexual relationships in the past and now are not? But maybe not? It's definitely a tricky one...! But we need to be better at speaking out about it, because being all coy on the matter doesn't help anyone! Look out for a future blog... (you have been warned!).

Sixth was childlessness (17%), and I think the reason this and the next came lower down the list is that they're not necessarily issues for everyone - clearly some single people do have children. (Clearly also, some don't, but don't want to). However, for those who don't have children but wish they did, this can be an incredibly painful thing. I blogged about my own perspective on this just after Mothering Sunday so I won't say much more...

And finally, seventh was living alone, with just 10% of people identifying this is a big issue (as I say, this may in part be because it didn't apply to everyone). I have to say I really quite like living alone, in spite of the issues it sometimes raises of loneliness, and not having someone to talk to. I like pleasing myself as to what I eat and when, what I watch on TV, when I go to bed and get up, how I decorate, etc. (Although I do sometimes wish there was someone else there to make a cup of tea or unload the dishwasher!). I also realise I have no one else to blame when the place is an absolute hovel, which is 90% of the time...

So there we are. A very random meander through some issues which are relevant to some single people. They appear in more detail in Chapter 1 'Wholly Single'. I'd love to know what you think...

And here's a recent 'holiday with a great friend' photo - definitely more fun to go cava-tasting with someone else...!

... and when they don't work quite so well...

Earlier in the week I blogged a little excerpt from my book 'Single Minded' about the ways in which friendships between single and married people can work really well, and bless all parties involved. The list was based on questionnaire responses from all the single people that were kind enough to share their thoughts with me as I wrote the book.

Today I want to share the flip side of that list - some of their thoughts as to when things don't work so well, and some of the things which their lovely married friends might (entirely unwittingly I'm sure!) do or say which might be less well received... The lists don't claim to speak for all people, of course - that would be impossible. If you're single there will be some things that you'll instantly recognise and empathise with and others that you'll totally disagree with - feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

I hope the lists are helpful. They're not meant to be rude or arrogant or complaining, but simply observations and sharing some thoughts. Hopefully we can all learn a bit more about how to get on with each other, and love and support one another, as a result.

Don't feel too got at if you're married - the next blog post will be your thoughts (or at least the thoughts of those of you I asked to share with me as I was writing!).

So, here goes -

• When they try to matchmake me without my permission.
• When they act as a couple in ways which feel excluding and uncomfortable (this may be overt shows of affection, or it may be having big arguments).
• When they don't really understand what my life is like.
• When I have to always fit in round them, and whenever we meet it has to be on their terms.
• When they use me as a babysitting service.
• When they only invite me round at certain times but save the 'special times' like Saturday nights for their married friends.
• When they talk non-stop about their children.
• When they moan about their children without realising that I would love to have what they have.
• When friends who have been very close while they were single disappear when they get married and don't keep in touch.
• When they assume that because I don't have children I don't want to be included in their family events.
• When they assume that I am self-sufficient and capable all of the time and don't need any help or support.
• When they ditch me during times of stress in their lives because they turn instead to their family (understandably), and I feel shut out.
• When they don't ever invite me to join them for holidays.

I couldn't very well use a 'negative example' photo here, so instead here's another great example of friendship at its best - vegging on the sofa after a lovely Christmas Day with friends.