"As a mother..."

"You'll never know true love until you have a child," people say.

"Of course, as a mother, I can identify so much more with this," people say.

"I have a very real stake in the future of this country," said (mother) Andrea Leadsom, standing to be leader of the Conservative party, thereby implicitly implying that her (childless) rival Theresa May didn't.

“As a mother, it is horrifying to hear the harrowing stories of the children I meet today,” said Samantha Cameron, visiting a Syrian refugee camp.

"If you've got kids you'll understand," say Calpol in their advert.

Politicians and celebrities respond to tragedies with words they intend to be comforting, but actually exclude so many "as a parent, I am so upset by this news..."

I was watching 'This Way Up' recently (Channel 4, it's great, watch it!). There's a couple in it who are sort of almost-engaged, and both families are together for a big birthday do, and the guy's mum starts asking about when they're going to have children. It's all horribly awkward, and doesn't get any better when the woman announces she doesn't want children! But in the middle of it all her prospective mother-in-law announces that you can only really know love when you have a child. The character, Shona, objects to this, saying that of course she understands what love is. But it's clear no one really believes her. 

On Twitter recently, I commented on a fairly sexist and ill-informed thing someone had written, and someone else replied saying "Bet he'd feel different if he had a daughter or two." My response was: "He shouldn't have to though, really. I understand that men are people without having any sons!" (By the way I mean no criticism of the person who wrote the first comment).

I googled "as a mother" and "as a father" to write this blog. One quote I came upon was from Michelle Obama. "Oh no," I thought, "not her too!" (I LOVE Mrs Obama). But wait. Although the headline read "as a mom..." when I read the full quote it said this: "It’s up to us, as mothers and mother-figures, to give the girls in our lives the kind of support that keeps their flame lit and lifts up their voices."

Can you spot the difference? "Mother-figures." God bless you Michelle! I can be a mother figure, for sure. I hope that's how my friends' kids see me, how the kids at church see me. Aunty Kate, the extra adult, who's fun and silly and occasionally, from time to time, now and then, maybe even a little bit wise, and who you can talk to about Stuff and who has time to listen and will always be there. I have never given birth, and I never will. But I know love. I know grief. I know pain. I know hope. I know joy. These emotions aren't the preserve of those who have carried and birthed children. How could they be?

This year at New Wine United I heard a lot of really superb talks. Up there among my favourites were the brilliant morning Bible teaching sessions from Lucy Peppiatt, Principal of Westminster Theological College. One morning Lucy was talking about the call which is upon all of us to be spiritual parents. Each of us needs someone ahead of us, further down the road, who we can lean on and ask for help and look to for guidance. And each of us too needs to be that person for someone who's coming along behind. And what I totally loved about what Lucy said was that she talked about being a spiritual parent, and what it looked like, and how we could get better at it. And then, totally naturally, not as an awkward afterthought, not when she suddenly caught herself, but just brilliantly, in the mix, as one of her points, she said that anyone can be a spiritual parent, It doesn't matter whether or not you're married. It doesn't matter whether or not you have your own children. It doesn't matter whether or not you've known good parenting in your own life. This is something we can ALL do. So simple. But so freeing and wonderful to hear and remember. I could have cried! I thanked her for saying it, because so often it goes unsaid.

I've read a bit about this phrase lately. I think people are sort of just about beginning to cotton on to the fact that it's really very unhelpful! About time...!

The thing is, let's just think about it for a moment. Do we really want to say that someone who has never parented a child is incapable of unconditional love? Of empathising with a parent who has lost a child? Of caring when a child is harmed? Of being angry with those who do the harm?

(And, while we're at it, let's not pretend that the simple act of being a parent necessarily means that someone does have love, empathy, or any other positive quality. Newsflash: some people are parents, and also not very nice).

Let's be clear, we are horrified by the conditions of children in Syrian refugee camps because we are human. Because we are decent people.

There are some things I will never know about because I haven't carried or given birth to a child, obviously. You don't need me to list them! There are quite a number that I can happily live without! But let's not suggest that love is among those things that I haven't experienced. That suggestions diminishes me. It diminishes us all.

To end: a daft photo of a rather lovely teddy-rabbit, belonging to one of my Godchildren, that she left in my room recently when I went to stay, so that I would have some company.😍

Who am I when I'm not busy?

Somehow I find myself over halfway through my 4 month sabbatical. Gosh. Not sure how that happened. I honestly do appreciate how lucky I am to be able to take a sabbatical, and that lots of people in lots of jobs aren't able to do so. Lots of things about it have been truly wonderful. I've never had so much sleep, for one thing! I've read squillions of books. There's a lot to reflect on, and several more blogs to come, I'm sure.

But the thing that I've been thinking about over this past week in particular is this - Who am I when I'm not busy?

Busyness is such a feature of modern life, isn't it? There probably aren't many people around who would say "no, I'm not busy, I haven't got much to do really." And I wonder whether in fact the people who might say that would wish it were not true - for example, is not-busyness generally as a result of being unemployed, or lonely, or in some sort of situation that we would hope not to be in?

For most of us, though, busyness seems to simply be a feature of modern life. Reading through friends' social media posts I see again and again phrases like "I don't have enough time," "I have too much to do," "I'm never going to get everything done." People are rushing between this and that, always in a hurry, never stopping. Adverts assume that we're all busy, and talk about how certain gadgets or devices can save us time and make our lives easier.

Sometimes our busyness becomes a badge of honour, something to boast about - "I'm busier than you!" It's like it's a competition!

Christmas is probably the worst time of year for this. "THERE'S JUST SO MUCH TO DO!" we frantically exclaim. We meet ourselves running around in circles as we try to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, buying, planning.

It's easy to get seriously passive aggressive when in a conversation about busyness - "oh, you've decorated your tree and bought all your presents and sent 200 cards and made 3 home made Christmas cakes? Well, good for you. Personally I just haven't had time to do all that. I've been far too busy." (The thing that has kept me mysteriously too busy is left unstated - it is enough for you to know that I am much busier, and by implication much more important, than you are.)

Vicars are terrible for it, let me tell you! Clergy meetings in the run up to Christmas can just become one big opportunity to show off about how many carol services and home communions you've taken and to look down on anyone who hasn't done as many, and secretly wonder why they aren't working hard enough!

It's not just clergy though, and it's not just Christmas. For all of us, at least in today's Western society, busyness feels like some sort of disease. It's a cliché, but it really is a bit like a treadmill or a hamster wheel - and once you're on it, it's impossible to get off.

Now if you've been reading this far and hoping that at some point I'm going to give you The Answer and explain how you can stop being busy and live a calm and peaceful life forever more then I'm afraid you're about to be disappointed! This is just something I'm wondering about and reflecting on myself. Why is it that our society seems so much to value busyness? Why is it that we so often feel guilty if we're not working "hard enough," or when we take some time off to do nothing? Why is it that were so bound by to-do lists?

As a Christian, for me the principle of Sabbath is important. I believe in having a day of rest each week.  For fairly obvious reasons, for me that isn't Sunday! (Any comments about that being the only day I work will be deleted!!) Friday is my day off. I try not to spend all of it doing chores! I try to do something fun, relaxing, life giving, joy bringing. My favourite thing is to spend time with friends on my day off, going for a walk, having a meal, laughing and enjoying each other's company.

But simply taking each Friday off isn't enough. That doesn't mean that from Saturday morning until Thursday evening I should work flat out to cram everything in, never stopping, never pausing, never doing anything 'not work' (although I'm ashamed to say there have been a few weeks that have looked and felt like that!)

And then, suddenly, here is this sabbatical this extended 'sabbath' of four whole months! In Liverpool Diocese, this is meant to be three months of 'study leave' and a month of holiday. So what should that actually look like? The holiday part is fine - I'm good at that! There's been a week in Wales, some sightseeing in New York and Washington DC, and next week a road trip is planned! But what about the 'work' time - what should that look like? I mentioned something about work the other day on Facebook and a friend commented "you're on sabbatical - you shouldn't be working!" Instantly I thought "but I can't just do nothing!"

'Work' over these months look very different for me. I'm hoping to write a book (well, half a book at least, along with a friend). I've done lots of reading, and reflecting. The pace has been very considerably slower than normal! Bedtime has been much earlier. I've watched more films. I've gone for more walks. I've gone to the gym more (in that I've gone to the gym!!)

It's has felt so strange not to be doing umpteen church services, being in and out of our church school, going to Christmas meals, visiting people at home. And it's not just the 'work' things' - I've hardly bought any Christmas presents (although I did do some before I left), and for the first time ever I haven't done Christmas cards! There's no food to buy, no parties to host, no meals to cook.

And yet I've wrestled with feeling guilty. I have often felt that I "should be doing more." I've wondered what people are thinking as they read my social media posts - "It's alright for her, lazing about for four months while I have to go to work." I've self-imposed a structure on my days of working in the church office 9-5 on week days,but then if someone has invited me out during that time I've felt like I shouldn't go. That's mad! (It's OK, I had a word with myself!)

What I'm realising is that so much of my identity is tied up with my busyness. I am Kate, I am the Vicar, I am Busy. But not always in that order. One of the themes of this sabbatical for me seems to be about rediscovering who I am. I want my identity to be entirely found in Jesus - in who I am in him, and not in what I do. He doesn't love me because I'm a Vicar. He doesn't love me because I'm Busy. He loves me because I'm me, and because he made me, and because he is Love.

I really hope that my sabbatical gives me the time to really learn these lessons, and to actually embed them into my life. I hope that regularly going to the gym now will mean that when I get back to work I still make time for it (don't get me wrong, I passionately dislike the gym, but you've got to do something!). I hope that going to I'll continue to go to bed at a sensible time (a friend of mine says "I do prefer going to bed on the same day that I woke up"!). I hope that I'll still take time for reading and watching films and having fun and sometimes doing nothing - all without feeling guilty!

I'm a realist - I know this stuff isn't easy to unlearn, and relearn. I know that my first month back at work will be a challenge, as phone calls and conversations and emails fly at me from all sides. I expect I will be busy again pretty soon. And maybe that's OK. I guess I just want to remember through it all who I really am, and what's really important. I think I'm going to be OK with sometimes being busy, as long as I remember I'm not Busy.

To end: a profound Christmas thought...

The importance of words

I wrote last week about 'the power of positive touch' - looking at one of the '5 Love Languages' which Gary Chapman describes in his book. This week I thought I'd write about the one which is my primary love language - what Chapman calls 'words of affirmation'.

When I first read the book and did the little quiz at the back to find out the order in which the 5 Love Languages apply to me, I'd never given this issue any thought at all. It had never occurred to me that the different ways in which love could be expressed or received would have any particularly different impact on people. My score came out as showing Words of Affirmation to be my love language - a long way ahead of any of the others!

It was years ago that I first read the book and since then I've come to realise that it really does make a lot of sense - and knowing this about myself really helps!

Words matter hugely to me. I've always loved words. I love writing, and reading. I also love preaching and teaching. I try to use words carefully. I sometimes speak off the cuff, but more often I carefully prepare what I'm going to say, spending time crafting each phrase and sentence. I remember words - things I've heard in sermons or during conversations; song words; snippets from films or novels.

When I wrote my book a couple of years ago I weighed each word very carefully. Words have great power - they can bless or hurt; criticise or encourage; thank or reject; teach or stifle.

I've known for a very long time that the saying "sticks and bones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was utter nonsense. If I didn't know it before, I learnt it the hard way at school, when a few people used a few words, for quite a long time, to hurt me a very great deal. Because if course, if you're someone who remembers the good words, then you're also going to remember the bad ones. Words that people have used to hurt me or criticise me never leave me. They continue going round and round my head for a long time after they've been spoken - and going round and round my heart for longer still.

Unfortunately, and perhaps inevitably, I'm much better at remembering the negative words than the positive ones - maybe we all are.

Because Words of Affirmation are my primary love language, I'm only really able to feel loved and appreciated when positive words are used. For instance, you might buy me a lovely present, but no card. I'm afraid though I'll feel more loved by the person who writes me a beautiful message in a card but doesn't give me a present at all! (It may be a mistake to admit this publicly. Maybe I'll never be bought a present again. I do like presents too, honest...). It's true though - I just love cards and letters and emails and texts with kind, encouraging, appreciative words. I have a habit of keeping cards and letters which have meant a lot to me - I have boxes full of them. and although I hardly ever look at them, each one means a huge amount to me. I would move quickly to save them if my house was burning down!

I write a lot of cards to people myself. It's one of the quirks of the Love Languages that we often show love in the way we like to receive it - so I have a habit of using lots of Words of Affirmation with others, even though I'm well aware that if it isn't also their Love Language, they won't be that interested in it!

I've been reflecting lately on what it looks like to be a single person, who lives alone, whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation. Obviously people around me give me words of affirmation - friends, colleagues, people at church - and that's great. But I wonder whether for me, especially as an extrovert, one of the losses is immediately after an event or a meeting or a service or whatever, when I really just need someone to tell me I did well. Or even just on a day to day basis, needing someone to tell me they value me and what I've done.

I guess because of that I massively appreciate it when it does happen - so huge thanks to the colleague this week who emailed me not 5 minutes after a difficult meeting had ended, to tell me I'd done a great job.

I'm aware in this area there's the potential for sin (as in all of life!) - I don't want to become so reliant on Words of Affirmation that I become vain or proud or needy. But nevertheless there's a right awareness I think, of who we are, and how we are made, and a recognition of what we need. And of course it's a godly and appropriate thing to thank and encourage one another. 

Perhaps we all need to consider how we use our words towards others (and towards ourselves). If you're a fellow WoA person like me - may you be blessed by words far more than you are hurt by them. You're doing great!

10 things single people wish married people wouldn't say... (Part 2)

I hope you caught Part 1 of this post on Sunday. It generated a huge amount of interest! So, hot on the heels of the first 5 things, come number 6-10. Please remember again to take them in the spirit in which they're intended...! Let me know if any really resonate with you - or what numbers 11-20 should be, for the next list!

6. Do you think maybe you’re being too picky?

Ah yes, that’ll be it. When I looked out at that queue of 17 men beating each other off with sticks to get to me first, and then rejected each of them in turn, it was my pickiness that was the problem.

7. Have you thought about speed dating/internet dating/blind dating?

Dating? You mean I could be looking for men to date? Wow – I had no idea, thank goodness you told me. It’s not like I’ve been wrestling for months over whether or not this is a road to go down, and how and why and when and where it might all happen, and what I’ll do if it doesn’t work out. I’ll get onto that straight away.

8. You’re so lucky to be footloose and fancy free.

Yes, you’re right, I am. I’m really lucky to have freedom in where I go and what I do and how I spend my time and my money. It’s great to be able to be independent and to make my own decisions. But you’re really lucky to have someone to hug when you get home at night and someone to share the household chores with and someone to talk through your day with and someone to go to parties with. And if in the context of our friendship we can talk about the things that are great for me and the things that are great for you, and share them together, along with the things that are hard for us both, then that’s brilliant. But if you throw the above sentence at me when I’m feeling lonely and alone then I will find it hard to be gracious.

9. My husband/wife/children are driving me mad. It’s so hard being married/having children – if I were you I wouldn’t bother.

So would you like to swap places? No, I thought not. Please don’t insult me and your family with this one. You’re allowed to have a bad day, week or month, we all are, and if there’s one thing I don’t envy parents it’s sleepless nights. But please, don’t say things you don’t mean.

10. I think God has given me a word for you – you’ll be married by the age of X/be pregnant by next Christmas/have 6 children...

I really hardly know what to say about this one. I wholeheartedly believe in prayer and prophecy and I love to give and be given words from God – it’s a joy and a privilege. But please, please, please – DON’T give people words about marriage and children, no matter how positively sure you are that God has spoken. If need be, write the word down and seal it in an envelope and hide it away and if it comes true, take it out and give it to the person and it will be a wonderful confirmation from God. But refrain from saying it to them. I guarantee that it will not be helpful. Ever.

So there you have it - my Top 10! Said in love, and with good grace and humour, but with seriousness to. Wouldn't it be great if we could all make a bit more effort with what we say, and how we say it, so that we communicate love and acceptance and understanding rather than judgement and criticism...? I promise I'll try...