When I'm holding a baby...

When I wrote 'Single Minded' there was a bit in it called '10 things single people wish married people wouldn't say.' In my head it was funny. Heck I still think it's funny. I mean, they're true too, every one of them, and they've all been said to me multiple times and I wish they hadn't - but you have to laugh, don't you?! Even if it's just so you don't cry. Anyway the problem is sometimes when people have read that list they've failed to engage their sense of humour sensors, and accused me of being angry and bitter and mean. I start this post by saying that because all of the same caveats apply. This is a post about '10 things not to say to a childless person who's holding a baby.' Again, I've had them all, and I wish I hadn't, and they hurt. I hope after reading the list people might think again before saying them. But at the same time please recognise this post as an attempt at gentle humour (well, that mixed with rabid sarcasm) rather than angry bitterness...

So, here (in no particular order) is my list:

1. Where did you get that from?
Just found it lying around outside. You're allowed to just keep them when that happens, right?

2. You should have said!
I just thought it would be more fun to have a baby in secret and produce it one day with no warning. Thanks for the implicit suggestion that I look like I could have just given birth though.

3. That was quick.
Yeah, in the 3 days since I last saw you I've found a husband, got pregnant, and given birth. What can I say, I'm an over-achiever.

4. Nice to see you getting in some practice.
Yes, it's about time I learnt not to dangle babies upside down from their feet. [Incidentally when I was a little girl I had a favourite baby doll. I was once walking along with my dad and he was carrying the doll by her foot. An elderly lady stopped to tell him off because he wasn't taking proper care of his baby!]

5. That'll be you one day.
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY YOU CAN KNOW THAT TO BE TRUE SO PLEASE PLEASE STOP TALKING OR I MAY BE FORCED TO SCREAM AND SOB IN A HYSTERICAL AND HORMONAL MANNER.

6. You should have your own before it's too late.
Yep, cheers for that, I'll stick it on the to-do list.

7. Is that yours? [from someone who knew me well!]
Yes, I've been keeping her in the garage till now but I thought it was about time I let her have some daylight.

8. Does the Bishop know about that? [I promise someone once asked me this!]
Sssshhhhh - I have a secret miracle baby that I keep in the attic. Please don't give my secret away.

9. I bet you're glad you can give him back.
When there's poo, snot or sick involved - too right. Then I'm laughing. But when he giggles, or grins, or snuggles up or falls asleep on my shoulder - well, then my heart breaks a little bit.

And my personal favourite. I should have £1 for every time it's been said:
10. Ooh, that suits you.
Yep, I know. I've always hoped I'd make a freaking brilliant mum. I absolutely love babies. This moment is simultaneously beautifully sweet and completely heartbreaking. Thanks for reminding me.

So there we go. That's my list. And I know I said I was aiming for humour but it turns out some of them aren't all that funny.

The thing is, please don't hear me wrong. I don't want to make people scared to ever open their mouths around me, or others in my situation. And I'm definitely not suggesting it's not ok to talk to me about this subject. I'm very happy to talk about my life - the fact that I'm single, the fact that I adore children, and would love to have them, but that it hasn't happened - and now won't happen. It's not that I can't or won't talk about it.

I guess what I struggle with is the crass and unthinking comments which can be so hurtful. It sometimes seems as if people haven't even considered for a moment that I'm a 39 year old childless woman, and that when I'm holding a baby, there might be a few different emotions going on. I know my situation is unique to me, and I don't claim to speak for anyone else. I can't imagine what it feels like to try for a baby and be unable to conceive, or to lose a child. I know lots of people don't want kids of their own. And maybe some people would hear the comments above and not mind.

And fortunately I do generally manage a reasonably gracious response when they come. Mostly. Sometimes. You know, now and then...

The thing is, there's been a choice to make. There always is, isn't there, and it's never easy. The choice is how I'll live, how I'll respond. I want to always make the Jesus-y choice. I want to choose the way of love and grace and hope and joy. Often that choice will be painful. Sometimes it would be less painful to make a different choice.

But, because I love children, and because I love my friends, and because I believe it's what Jesus would do, I choose to engage with little ones whenever I can - at church, with friends, randomly on the bus. I choose to volunteer with Safe Families for Children because they're flipping awesome and they are seeking every day to make life better and safer for little ones.

I know, of course, that none of the sentences I've mentioned above were ever deliberately meant to be hurtful. If you've said them to me - I forgive you! And obviously there will have been times when I will have said stupid and crass things, in a whole range of different areas. I'm sorry for all those times I've caused pain. Maybe we can all just aim for a bit more empathy?

Here's a (careful and anonymous!) photo of the tiny person I'm currently looking after from time to time with Safe Families. She's a precious, wonderful joy.

A yellow giraffe t-shirt

I've sort of been 'brewing' this blog post for a while now, but even as I type, I'm nervous about how it will be received... will it be a bit too much like just letting you all read my journal? Well, maybe. But then maybe that's just what blogging is anyway. And if you've ever read this blog before, or if you know me in actual real life, then you'll know that I'm a majorly over-sharing extrovert, so hey, whatcha gonna do?!

I've blogged on a similar-ish theme before, just after Mothers' Day last year - http://katewharton.blogspot.co.uk/2014_04_01_archive.html. 

This time it was being at the New Wine England Summer Gathering that made me start to ponder this whole issue of childlessness. (And before I go any further, if you don't know what New Wine is, check it out here - http://www.new-wine.org/home)

 So. I want to write about not having children, and what that feels like for me. I want to do that, although it may make me cry, because I find the writing cathartic, as a way of processing it all. And I want to do it too because it may just help someone else along the way, to think or reflect or face up to this issue for themselves.

I want to be really careful about the language I use, and I hope you'll bear with me. I don't want to offend or upset anyone. I can only share my thoughts and my experiences - yours will be different. And I can (obviously) only talk about not having children from the perspective of someone who is single. The issue of childlessness is a whole different thing for married people who are unable to have children, and/or have lost children. I have a number of friends in that category, and I grieve for them. I can't imagine what that feels like. I've found this blog to be a beautiful and honest exploration of some of those issues - http://saltwaterandhoney.org/

I recognise too that for many single people, the 'children thing' isn't a thing at all. It is at best a peripheral issue, something that inevitably goes alongside being single, but isn't too much of an issue in and of itself - certainly not the main event. It's not something that people necessarily think of when they think of singleness. Single people don't have a spouse. Married people can be childless, not single people. And yet for some (although of course not all) single people, it can be one of the biggest areas of pain.

I would love to have children. I've wanted to have children for as long as I can remember, and I don't think that's just because in a way it's sort of assumed that women will. It was just something within me - I wanted to be a mum.

I love children, and I'm pretty good with them. I can, generally, talk to them, and play with them, and have fun with them and enjoy their company. Whether they're teeny-tiny, or toddlery, or tantrumy, or tweenagey, we can usually manage to get along well.

Obviously I love my friends' kids a huge amount. I have 3 fabulous Godchildren, and those 3 families contain my most favourite 7 children ever. But lots of other friends have kids too, and they're all special.

I really love spending time with children. It's such an awesome privilege to be allowed to be part of a little person's life - that they'll talk to you about the stuff that matters to them, and give you a big slobbery kiss because they've missed you, and slip their hand into yours as you walk down the road.

I spend quite a bit of time around kids at the moment. Partly that's a life-stage thing. Lots of my friends either have small kids (or much bigger kids!), or are pregnant. We do lots of things for kids at church. Just this last week we had 43 kids and their parents/carers in church for a fun day, and then we took them all on a trip to a theme park. It was great - sharing life with them, talking to them about Jesus, seeing their excitement as they went on the rides, hearing their laughter.

And at New Wine too, it was great. We had a fair few kids on our camp site (including all 3 of my gorgeous Godchildren - what a treat!), and it was really fun to have them around and to hang out with them in a really relaxed way.

And yet. You see, there was a bit of a meltdown. That's what started off this whole train of thought. One evening, I just completely lost it. I didn't see it coming at all, but all of a sudden there it was. i was in the main evening session, and a guy from my church walked past on his way to the cafe to get a drink, so I offered to hold his baby while he did. She's 7 months old and she's just so darned cute! We had a bit of a cuddle and a dance, then he came back with his drink and took her back. A few minutes later a dad and a toddler from another local church went past. In fact the toddler raced past with a look of determination on her face and the dad frantically ran after her to try to stop her from causing mayhem. She was wearing a yellow t-shirt with a giraffe on it. That's what did it, I think. The yellow giraffe t-shirt.

I basically sobbed for the whole of the rest of the evening. It wasn't pretty. There was a lot of snot. I don't even know why I was crying. Well, you know what I mean. I was crying because there are beautiful, gorgeous, adorable small people in the world and I won't ever have one of my own. But still, I don't know *why* I was crying, at that moment and in that place.

I talked to God a lot about it, that evening and in the days that followed. I wondered, to myself and to God, what it was all about. I wondered whether it would always be this painful, whether yellow giraffe t-shirts would always make me cry. Perhaps they will. Perhaps that's ok.

Later I bumped into some lovely friends, who saw past the snot, and prayed for me, and understood. That's another incredible blessing right there.

I'm so grateful to God, and to my friends, for the little people in my life, and for the joy they bring. I pray that I'll always enjoy being with them, even though it might sometimes be hard too. I pray that they'll always want to spend time with me. I pray that I'll never become bitter over the things I don't have. I pray that I'll always stay thankful for the things that I do have. I pray that I'll continue to try to become like a little child myself, as Jesus said I should (see Matt 18:1-3).

I pray for every little person today wearing a yellow giraffe t-shirt, for every grown up person given the awesome job of caring for them, and for everyone for whom tied up in that whole business there's pain, or grief, or sorrow.

I saw this video today. It's unbelievably precious, and a reminder of the total miracle of new life. Don't watch it if you don't want to cry a bit! (And I recommend you don't read the comments after it - people get crazy on the internet...). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fhe44oPdp1U

The single issues(s)

(With apologies to Al Hsu for the corruption of his book title!). But actually I really recommend the book (alongside my own of course!) - The Single Issue, by Al Hsu, published by Monarch.

So, what are some of the issues which face single people? When I was writing the book I came up with a list of things. It's in no way a scientific or even a representative list - I just sat and pondered for a bit and came up with these 7 things. They may more accurately reflect me and my issues than they do anyone else's! But certainly whenever I've spoken on this topic there have been enough heads nodding to make to me think I'm not completely off in my own world on this.

One of the fun things about writing the book was that I asked lots of my single friends to fill in questionnaires, and many generously did so. Their stories appear throughout the book. They also gave some useful data and information.

So I thought I'd unpack below the 7 issues I identified, and why I think they are (or can be) issues for single people.

The one which came out top of the list, as being a significant issue for 54% of people, was 'lack of touch'. This is interesting because it wouldn't be the top of my list, and it's hardly ever what people guess as top of the list when I ask them. But it clearly is something which some people struggle with - perhaps particularly if 'physical touch' is one of their Love Languages (see http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ if you don't know what they are!).

I can see why this is an issue for so many single people. If you live alone, as many single people do (or even if you don't), then you may really miss having someone around to 'touch'. This isn't particularly even about sexual or romantic touch - but simply the lack of a hug, a touch on the shoulder, a pat on the arm - those normal human interactions which remind us that we're alive, and not alone in the world. Depending on how we spend our time, we might go several days without any touch from another person, and this can't be good for our wellbeing. Clearly some people value touch much more than others, but for all of us there are times when we just long for another person to show us they care, and they are there, in some physical way.

I think the church has a huge opportunity here to help when people are struggling with this. We can be in the ministry of hugs! (Go easy though - some people would run screaming from the building, never to return, if greeted in church with a barrage of hugs!). But let's be aware of one another's needs, and get touchy - in a good way!

Second on the list, and an issue for 44% of people, was holidays. This is an interesting one. It's perhaps the one that's hardest for married people to understand. And maybe, if you're part of a big family which holidays together, or you have a strong group of friends that always go away together, this won't be an issue for you as a single person either. But for lots of single people this is a biggie! I know it is for me.

I've had some great holidays with some great friends, but it's always a big source of stress. Holidays are massively important to me, I love to travel and I love to do exciting things on holiday. But planning and organising holidays by myself is hard. I have to decide whether to go alone, or with some sort of group, or with friends. If on my own, I have to bite the bullet and be very brave, If with a group I have to take a risk that it'll work out (btw I can recommend Imaginative Traveller - independent group holiday firm; I've had some great trips with them). If with friends I have to pluck up the courage to ask, we have to sync dates, decide on a destination we both want to go to, and hope we'll still be friends by the end!

There are places that I haven't been to, and holidays I haven't been on, because I don't want to do them on my own (although there are also places I have been on my own and had an amazing time!). [I'm deliberately setting out some of the negative issues here - I realise as someone without children I also have a huge amount of flexibility regarding holidays, which I'm very grateful for].

The third issue, which 39% of people identified with, is not having someone around to talk to and share with. [Again the caveat here - we're not wearing rose tinted glasses. We understand that there are issues in marriages too and there isn't always lovely harmonious conversation at the end of each day! But we're simply describing something we 'miss'].

This is a big one for me, being such an extrovert. I find it really hard to process things, make decisions, plan, reflect etc without having someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I think about something until I've talked about it! It's hard to get in after a long or difficult meeting and not be able to offload; or to have a talk to prepare and no one to go over it with; or a big decision to make and no one to weigh up the pros and cons with, or an amazing thing that's happened and no one to share it with. I have fabulous (patient, long suffering...) friends who allow me to download my brain for hours on the phone or in person, and that's great, but it's rarely 'in the moment', so I often have to store things up till I see them (or risk inappropriate sharing with the next random stranger I see...).

My need to share/talk/process is why I love social media so much (and, lately, blogging). It enables me to share something as it's happening and get feedback and comments. I know some people think it's inane to post about the mundane stuff of life but it really helps me to feel less isolated. So yay to all my Facebook friends and Twitter followers!

The fourth issue, which came in at 32% was loneliness. This is usually the one which people I'm speaking to guess will have been top! I don't know why it wasn't as almost all single people do identify it as an issue for them at least some of the time. I've blogged about it elsewhere so won't say much more - but just that I think this is another area where the church can massively help out. We really need to do better at the whole community thing - being there for people at significant life moments, helping out with household stuff, chilling out with people without any big agenda - basically just doing life together. In some places this is happening so beautifully. I really think it could be hugely significant to us reaching the 18-30s generation as it's a big issue for so many of them. So come on church - step up!

The fifth issue was sex (that is, not having it!) with 24%. I'm going to post more about this another time (you may or may not be pleased to know!!). Perhaps inevitably this is the issue that most people find it the hardest to talk about so it's hard to know exactly people's thoughts/difficulties. I wonder whether it's harder for those who have been in sexual relationships in the past and now are not? But maybe not? It's definitely a tricky one...! But we need to be better at speaking out about it, because being all coy on the matter doesn't help anyone! Look out for a future blog... (you have been warned!).

Sixth was childlessness (17%), and I think the reason this and the next came lower down the list is that they're not necessarily issues for everyone - clearly some single people do have children. (Clearly also, some don't, but don't want to). However, for those who don't have children but wish they did, this can be an incredibly painful thing. I blogged about my own perspective on this just after Mothering Sunday so I won't say much more...

And finally, seventh was living alone, with just 10% of people identifying this is a big issue (as I say, this may in part be because it didn't apply to everyone). I have to say I really quite like living alone, in spite of the issues it sometimes raises of loneliness, and not having someone to talk to. I like pleasing myself as to what I eat and when, what I watch on TV, when I go to bed and get up, how I decorate, etc. (Although I do sometimes wish there was someone else there to make a cup of tea or unload the dishwasher!). I also realise I have no one else to blame when the place is an absolute hovel, which is 90% of the time...

So there we are. A very random meander through some issues which are relevant to some single people. They appear in more detail in Chapter 1 'Wholly Single'. I'd love to know what you think...

And here's a recent 'holiday with a great friend' photo - definitely more fun to go cava-tasting with someone else...!