Extrovert musings...

So, you might not have noticed, because it's not obvious and I don't mention it much, but I'm a bit of an extrovert...

Ha! I am, in fact, quite literally 'off the scale.' (Seriously, I did some sort of test once and somehow my score was beyond the 100% line...)

When I first discovered, years ago now, the real difference between extroverts and introverts, I was fascinated - it all suddenly made sense! Before that, I think I'd just fallen into the trap (that you used to see perpetuated a lot, although less so now), of thinking that extrovert = outgoing and confident, and introvert = shy and withdrawn. That's not really the case at all, it's actually far more interesting and complex than that.

I learned then a method that I still use now if I'm explaining this to people who aren't sure which they are. 2 questions:

1) If you've been working all day and are tired, how would you most like to relax and wind down? a) by going out and meeting up with lots of friends; or b) by curling up on your own with a book.

2) If you have a big decision to make, or a problem to work through, what's the best way for you to do that? a) by chatting it through with other people; or b) by some time on your own to mull it over.

As = extrovert, Bs = introvert.

Obviously it's all a bit more nuanced than that in reality, and some people find themselves somewhere in the middle, or one side sometimes and the other side other times. 

For me though, I'm extrovert all day long! It sounds a bit mad to those people who aren't the same way, but those who are will totally understand:

• I don't know what I think about something until I've said it out loud. Sometimes I hear myself speak and am quite surprised to find out what I think! This can be disconcerting for other people in meetings, especially ones I'm chairing - I have to make sure there's a disclaimer at the beginning about 'thinking out loud.'
• I can't make a decision without talking about it. Often I don't even need the other person to say anything, but the process of saying it out loud helps me to decide. 
• I can't process or work through any stuff unless I have someone to talk it through with. That's a bit of an issue in a year which has been packed full of All Of The Stuff. (Spare a thought for my Bubble Of Joy who are faced with an extreme amount of splurging every time I visit).
• I don't really know how I'm doing unless I say it out loud. People will ask 'how are you?' and I invariably think 'hmm, how am I?' I then start to reply, and discover the answer at about the same time as they do.
• I get my energy from other people. It took me really quite a long time into this whole pandemic thing to realise that was one of the reasons why I was so exhausted (I mean there are lots of other reasons too, who isn't exhausted?!). But I simply was not getting enough energy from other people to keep me going. (A good (introvert) friend of mine observed early on that Zoom is too much people for the introverts and not enough people for the extroverts!).
• I prefer to do about 12 different things at the same time, because it genuinely helps me to concentrate better on each of them.

Writing can help a bit, as a sort of substitute for talking if that isn't possible. Talking to myself can also sometimes help, but not always (though I still do it. A lot). 

I've known all this about myself for some time, and I find it helpful to know, because it means that I'm better able to understand who I am and how I tick and what I need. I imagine it's helpful for my friends to know too - and I always know that a friend really 'gets' me when they say something like 'so shall we arrange a chat so that you can work out what you think?'

The thing that has been interesting lately is pondering what all this means during lockdown (and particularly as a single person who lives alone during lockdown). I guess I could have predicted all of the big stuff that I'd find hard - the process of making big decisions about worship in church, the working through my feelings and emotions about it all, the isolation of spending SO MUCH time on my own.

But what I don't think I would have expected or realised until it happened, was how much I've also missed every other small, everyday interaction that I probably barely noticed. That quick hello in the supermarket. That chat with the neighbour while walking down the street. That moment of bumping into someone by the shops. That car park chat at the end of a meeting. That conversation over coffee during the break in the meeting. 

Those things take only a few moments, but all of them give me energy and help my brain work better - and all of them have all but disappeared. When every meeting is on Zoom, we have 'Zoom fatigue' and eye strain, and understandably as soon as there's a coffee break we get up and walk away from our screen, and only come back when the meeting restarts. But then how am I supposed to find out what I think about how the meeting is going?! (That's the main reason why I'm always the person using the Zoom chat function nonstop - so sorry to those whom it distracts!). Without all of these things, I have lacked energy and focus and drive. Everything has taken longer and felt harder.

I realise that not all extroverts will recognise themselves in what I'm saying (and equally that not all introverts will find themselves at the opposite pole - in fact quite a few of my introvert friends have said "this was great to start with but even I am over it now").

I'm actually a little bit apprehensive, I've realised, about what happens as we come out of this weird year - as we follow the 'roadmap' that leads ahead. 'How long will it be before I can hug my friends?' is a question I've been asking for a long time, but now I realise I'm also wondering things like 'will I still be the same sort of extrovert as I was before?' and 'will the ways in which we interact with each other have changed forever and will that be ok?' and 'can my friends really handle the explosion of extroversion they're going to be faced with over the next few months?!'

I do realise that there's not really all that much that I can do about any of this. As you might expect, I'm mostly just writing this to help myself to work it out! But certainly it's helped me to get to know myself a bit better - and hopefully to understand others a bit better too ("some of my best friends are introverts...!")

Self-partnering and the interrogation of the single

I didn't think my last blog post was controversial enough (!) so I thought I'd try harder this time...

So... you can't have missed the whole 'self-partnered' hoohah that kicked off recently?! Emma Watson is approaching her 30th birthday. In an interview with British Vogue she said that she felt "stressed and anxious" about it, because of pressures that she felt about her personal life. "I realise it's because there's this bloody influx of subliminal messaging around. If you have not built a home, if you do not have a husband, if you do not have a baby, and you are turning 30, and you are not in some incredibly secure, stable place in your career, or you're still figuring things out... there's this incredible amount of anxiety."

She goes on to talk about how she feels about being single. "I never believed the whole 'I'm happy single' spiel. I was like 'this is totally spiel.' It took me a long time, but I'm very happy [being single]. I call it being self-partnered."

I mean, even the very fact that Emma feels the need to say that she isn't considered to have "built a home." Whatever age you are, and whatever your marital status, if you have a place in which you live, then you have built a home.

On Nov 7 there was a story about Phoebe Waller-Bridge in the Daily Mail (I know, and I am SO SORRY, but someone shared the article on Twitter. I'm not going to link to it here for reasons I hope are obvious). I think PWB is brilliant, and Fleabag is a work of actual genius. But the DM didn't want to discuss her talent, or her award winning TV shows, obvs (it takes until paragraph 12 before Killing Eve anmd James Bond are even mentioned). No, they wanted to report the shocking news that Phoebe "'thinks' she wants to have children" but hasn't yet made up her mind. It's the headline that really gets me though (I know, I know, clickbait, but honestly...). It says this "Fleabag star Phoebe Waller-Bridge, 34, admits she is debating having children... yet insists she's a 'see-what-life-throws-at-you kind of person.' Admits. ADMITS. And 'yet'. Those are the 2 words that really riled me. 'Admits' isn't a neutral word. It's loaded with expectation. You don't 'admit' something that you're proud of, or even something sort of middling. You only 'admit' something that is associated with shame, disappointment, unease. And then that sneaky 'yet,' as if the 'admits' part can't really be true, and they're determined to catch her out.

Why does this article need to exist? (I mean, why does the Daily Mail need to exist, but that's a far bigger question than I have the energy for right now). Why is this brilliant, funny, intelligent, articulate, independent woman being forced to 'admit' that she isn't sure whether or not she wants children? She's only 34 for goodness sake! And - I can't believe this even needs to be said, but we're in strange times - this has got LITERALLY NOTHING AT ALL to do with anyone else.

And I'm sure you don't need me to point out that there are approximately zero interviews taking place with men in their thirties asking them about when they plan to settle down and have kids.

I find the interviews and the reporting around all this stuff really disappointing, and I wish women weren't still being defined by who we are or aren't married to, and by whether we have or haven't given birth.

I find it depressing that it's still so hard for so many people to believe that somebody could feel happy and fulfilled while also single and childless. (Tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my beLOVED ceremony, about which you can read more here: http://katewharton.blogspot.com/2017/10/beloved.html)

(Don't get me wrong, I know that there are many people who don't want to be single and childless, and they wrestle with that, and that's ok too. It is what it is).

So here's the thing. I wonder if maybe there could be some thinking about what we consider the norms to be, relationally speaking, and how we ask people about themselves. I've blogged in the past about 10 things single people wish married people wouldn't say (http://katewharton.blogspot.com/2014/02/10-things-single-people-wish-married.html) and 10 things not to say to me when I'm holding a baby (http://katewharton.blogspot.com/2017/11/when-im-holding-baby.html). I really don't want to make people paranoid about what is and isn't ok to say, and I really don't want to be offendable. But sometimes the questions, and the expectations, and the raised eyebrows are just really hard.

I totally get Emma Watson's comments about her singleness. I also had a bit of a crisis as I approached 30. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't my life going to plan? I might not choose to use her phrase 'self-partnered' but I'll blooming well defend her right to use it. I've been a bit sad at some of the criticisms I've read about it from other Christians. (A friend of mine summed it up well - "she's just a millennial, speaking millennial"!) I don't think it necessarily means she's selfish, or self-obsessed. I don't think it necessarily means this needs to become a new category of relationship. I think she's just a young woman, trying to navigate life in the midst of a level of fame that we cannot begin to imagine. She's asking big questions, and trying to do the best she can - just like we all are.

So maybe let's be a bit kinder. Let's be careful what questions we ask. Let's strive for more empathy. Let's give one another the benefit of the doubt.

Here's a photo from my beLOVED ceremony. I'm not self partnered, but I have embraced a calling and a choice to stay single, and I'm doing it blessedly surrounded by some awesome people. (Photo credit: Mark Miller)

Happy ending?

I've been pondering something for a while (that's usually a bad sign tbh...) It's something quite subtle, which you almost might not notice. The problem is, I have noticed, and now I can't stop. Writing this blog runs the risk of you, who may never have noticed before, now also noticing. I'm sorry. Read on at your own risk...!

Here it is. I've noticed a tendency in certain Christian testimonies, for the 'and then they lived happily ever after' part to include "and now they're married with 18 beautiful children" or similar.

Here's an example that I read today, in a magazine I really enjoy, which prompted me to finally write something (even though I've been thinking about doing so for ages). I'm not having a go here at the magazine, or the author, and it was a good article. It just happened to provide an example of this thing.

So in the article there's a story about a guy named Pedro (I would change his name, but the chances are they already changed it when they did the article, so there's no need to make things even more complicated!) Pedro was homeless and an alcoholic, until he found love and care and support and a Christian community which helped him to heal (that bits all great by the way, obvs!).

Here's the thing though. This is how the 'after' part of Pedro's story is described: "Pedro... found a community to support his journey towards sobriety and ultimately a faith of his own. Now, eight years sober, he helps at AA sessions, has married, and regularly cooks for his church's Alpha course."

It happens so often. Not long ago at a women's event I heard something similar: "Lucy (I am making that name up, I can't for the life of me remember what they called her!) has had her life turned around. She was in trouble because of X, Y and Z and her life was awful. And then she met Person A from Charity B and they helped her to sort her life out. Now she's doing this, this and this amazing thing, and she's married with a baby."

I've read it in books, and on social media. I've heard it in talks. OK, maybe I notice this stuff more than someone married would do, but nonetheless it is still actually happening!

Now, don't misunderstand me, I'm not just being a grump (I really hope I'm not anyway!) Obviously, if this person has happened to get married in this period of their life when things are going well, then that's part of their story, and of course it's right for them to tell that if they want to.

The issue for me is when we see the 'marriage and kids' thing as part of the happy ending. This person's life is better now BECAUSE they are married, BECAUSE they have children.

I'm all for celebrating the good stuff. I love to hear testimonies of God at work in people's lives, how their circumstances and their situation have been totally transformed. It's brilliant. But I think there's something about what 'we' (society? church?) see as typical traits of the 'before' and 'after' parts of the story.

BEFORE (BAD STUFF): homelessness, drugs, alcohol, addiction, crime...
AFTER (GOOD STUFF): marriage, kids (and what? 3 bedroom semi? volvo?)

I'm being facetious, of course, but actually the only thing that's got any business being in the AFTER column is: AND NOW THEY KNOW JESUS. (Yes, I know, no longer being addicted to stuff and having a roof over your head are pretty good too, but you get my point).

If I'm being hyper-sensitive about this, no doubt you'll all tell me. If I've made you aware of something that's now going to annoy you when it didn't before, I'm sorry. But if this is a Thing, and if you're single or don't have kids or whatever, and you've noticed it as a Thing too, let me know.

I guess what I'm saying is it feels weird when my life (which I'm happy with, and really quite like, at least the vast majority of the time) is seen as not good enough to feature in the AFTER column. Like when my life is some sort of pre-Good-Morning-makeover-style-reveal.

We must be careful about saying, or thinking, or even implying, that marriage and kids should be part of the 'happy ending' story (although they're great and brilliant when they happen well) - because if they're part of the 'happy ending' story, then where does that leave those of us who don't have them, and possibly never will?

My life is full of Jesus and friends and laughter and kids and chocolate and all sorts of good things. But it doesn't and never will involve marriage, or children of my own. And I'm ok with my own version of the happy ending.

Here's a picture of a sunset, just because they're one of my favourite things, and a pretty good 'ending' for each day, I'd say.

Party of One - Book Review

I don't read all that many books on singleness, to be honest. I've always been pretty picky about them. I had to read a lot prior to writing one, for research, and there weren't many I loved. It's one of the main reasons why I wrote Single Minded, because there wasn't a book which said exactly what I wanted to read.

Party of One also doesn't say *exactly* what I wanted to read (but it's ok because I've already written a book that does!!). It is, however, really rather good.

Party of One is written by Joy Beth Smith, who's an American journalist. You can tell that, to be honest, because it's a really well written book, which keeps you turning the pages, and often has you laughing out loud. I also highlighted and underlined loads of it too, which is a sure sign of a book that I've really enjoyed (with apologies to all book purists - but if anyone did that to my book, I'd take it as a real compliment!)

Joy begins by describing how, for 15 years, she wrote a monthly letter to her future husband. (This is one of quite a number of points in the book where as a British reader there's a fairly major culture clash. I don't know anyone in the UK who's done this, and it's a reminder of how different both the church and the singleness scenes are in the UK and the US.) Anyway, one day she realises this is not a helpful strategy, and burns all of the letters. She says that she realised that "God has promised me many, many things: joy, intimacy with him, comfort, the presence of the Holy Spirit, and eternal life, to name just a few. But I'll never find the promise of a husband, of a beautiful, fulfilling marriage, tucked away in the back of James or even alluded to in Psalms."

This was the first paragraph in the book that I highlighted, and I was already hooked. It's so easy to believe marriage is somehow our 'right', something that we are owed, or deserve, but this is not the case.

Joy is brilliant at describing some of the difficulties that arise when 'helpful' friends try to intervene (and she oh-so-accurately points out how quickly people forget, having got married, what it's like to be single). She describes how people's constant attempts to 'pair off' all single people can lead to us feeling as if we're an embarrassment to have around - that instead of cheering us on in our singleness they just want to help us out of this unfortunate season.

One of the highlights of the book is the many in-depth conversations she has had with a great many single women. She travelled for these conversations, arranging round-table chats which led to a great deal of rich material, and she quotes the other women generously and at length. There is much wisdom shared from those chats.

There's just an awful lot of really helpful, clear truth in this book. She says that "God giving you a husband does not prove his goodness - marriage isn't even inherently good. But God is good, always. He is good in your singleness."

I cheered along as Joy lamented the waste which can so easily occur when single people live their life on hold, or treat their singleness like a waiting room - she uses the analogy of "an elevator ride" and declares this to be "a waste." "The problem with viewing singleness as a season is that we relegate our time here to something to be endured, not celebrated." YES!

Joy challenges the church's expectation of marriage in a way which is clear and timely without being grumpy (one might even suggest that the church is 'marriage obsessed' - that would make a good title for a chapter...) She challenges the common viewpoint that for single people life hasn't quite started yet, and says, with great perception, that "we've limited ourselves in what we choose to hono(u)r in the church."

She isn't afraid to tackle the big issues and the tough questions. She talks about loneliness, she talks about masturbation, she talks about childlessness, she talks about identity and self worth. I love her language of sexuality as something to be "stewarded" (rather than suppressed or avoided). I love how she tackles the 'gift' question.

There is a chapter called 'Don't spend your singleness preparing for marriage' (and I died a little inside at the 'spatula story') but nonetheless for me the book still felt like it was hoping for and heading for marriage. Perhaps it simply reflects where I am on my own journey (and perhaps this very thing would make it more appealing to some people) but I felt it might be of more interest to those still very much hoping and longing for marriage than for those who have embraced singleness for life. In the same vein I think it would be more for those who are 'never married but hoping to be' than for those who, for whatever reason, are 'single again'.

Overall I really would recommend this book (and believe me when I say that hardly ever happens with singleness books!) If you're reading it in the UK be prepared to do a bit of cross-cultural translation, and if you're not a young-ish 'single and hoping to be married' woman (I'm not sure how helpful guys would find it) be aware that it won't all resonate with you.

The thing I liked most (apart from how often it made me laugh out loud) was how much the whole book pointed to Jesus, and to living a holy live within and throughout our singleness. You can't ask for more than that.

Spoken word - 'beloved'

I've blogged a bit lately about my beLOVED ceremony on 18th November, including the vow that I made, and the order of service. One of the really special bits of the ceremony was when the uber talented Miriam Swaffield performed an incredible spoken word piece that she had written especially for the day. It was amazing! Lots of people have asked me for a copy of it, so with Miriam's permission, here it is:

He speaks. 

He speaks so powerfully life itself is created in a breath. 

He sighs, 

And like chemistry, stars are breathed into being as he gathers dust in the palm of his hands, 

And before you were anyone's good idea or twinkle in the eye, 

You were alive in Him. 

You were named, known, crafted, your soul was designed, 

And you were shaped to be loved, to live pruned back and set free 

From day one you were doted upon into eternity, 

The whisper of his Spirit to you, the whisper on the breeze speaks, "You are beloved, be loved." 

 

We are full. So full of his promise and presence and power 

It's like we are clay jars, a simple vessel, 

But like a vase full of flowers we stand tall, 

We blossom in our fruitfulness, 

So grateful in the Son's light for his unwavering faithfulness, 

Satisfied like fresh water to a thirsty soul, 

Nourished by your word, your truth, you'll never let us go, 

And so we grow, through harsh seasons and new mornings, 

Through late night tears and laughters dawning, 

In the look-me-in-the-eye passion that our Father made us for, 

Like an anchor in our souls, holding firm and secure, 

That allows us to walk brave and free, vulnerable and bold, 

Whilst all the while the whisper echoes from those days of old "You are beloved, be loved." 

 

Kissed by fire, The heavens break open and his presence descends 

And we breathe, for glory and in grace we are drenched, renewed, changed 

He is mercy and justice, he is fierceness and kindness, 

He instills in us a bigger heart, a wider stretch for welcome arms, 

And in him we are home and make home, finding peace where we are, 

Yet we call in one more to find hope in the dark, 

Giving away the gift of belonging, 

Knowing family is an open invite to the upside-down kingdom 

And we won't quit, we won't build walls, we won't close down or grip tight, 

We pray keep this heart soft and strong, help me shine out your light 

So like neon signs in clouded skies the call of God will shine "You are beloved, be loved." 

"You are beloved, be loved."

 

 

beLOVED ceremony pt 2

Last Saturday was my wonderful 'beLOVED ceremony' at Liverpool Cathedral. I've already blogged a bit of an explanation about it, and shared the opening words that I said on the day to set the scene. Now I want to share a bit more of how the service actually worked.

Basically this is just a service that I created myself (with advice from the rather wonderful Bishops of Liverpool and Sheffield). It seemed to fit me, and who I am, and what I was wanting to do. Obviously it wouldn't suit everyone!

This is how it looked:

• Welcome and opening prayer (Bishop Paul)
• Songs of worship (led by the uber talented Martin)
• Ten Thousand Reasons
• This I believe
• What a beautiful name
• My opening words (the ones I blogged the other day) 
• Confession
• Bible readings
• Song of Songs 6:1-3
• Philippians 4:4-9
• Luke 18:28-30
• Sermon (Bishop Pete) - this was all kinds of brilliant. Pete explored all the different occasions in the NT in which the word 'beloved' is used. Fab, fab, fab. He also used possibly my favourite phrase of the whole day, when he told me that I am 'chronically beloved'.
• Reflection - we listened to Wesley's 'Lead me Lord'
• Spoken word (written and performed by the entirely wonderful Miriam)
• Songs of worship
• Cornerstone
• Nothing but grace
• My vow of commitment (see below) 
• A response from my friends to the vow (basically a liturgical thing where the Bishop asked if they'd support me and they said WE WILL!)
• Prayers - firstly my 3 gorgeous Godchildren each read a prayer that they'd written for me, and then a number of my friends gathered round to lay hands on me and pray for me. It was really special.
• Sharing the Peace
• Holy Communion
• Song - How Great Thou Art
• Blessing (Bishop Paul)

It was SUCH a special service! My friend Phil said he cried "more than I did in Paddington 2"!! In fact someone asked me why I hadn't cried and I said it was because I'd outsourced it to everyone else! I did feel emotional but there was such an amazing sense of rightness to it all that was just lovely. Each of the different parts were so special, and it was amazing to be surrounded and supported by so many wonderful friends. That was probably the part that felt most overwhelming actually - the moments just before the service started, when I looked around and saw all those wonderful friends, and my mind boggled at the realisation that they were there just to support me, in my thing. Wow!

And so the vow. This was the hardest part of the whole service to write - that's probably not surprising. I wrote it myself, without reference to anything else, so it's certainly from the heart - but it was still hard to do. In fact I didn't write it until the Tuesday before the service, when I went away on a retreat day. There was so much that I wanted to say to God in that moment - here's what I went for:

Loving God, today I come before you in response to a calling on your part, and a choice on my part. I'm so grateful to you for the journey that you have brought me on.

Today I vow to live a life of dedicated singleness.

Today I give myself completely to you - wholeheartedly, unreservedly, single mindedly.

Today I know myself to be called and chosen and beloved.

Today I choose to walk into the path that you have laid out for me, wherever it may lead, embracing your best plan for me.

I vow to live a life of chastity and celibacy, to remain single, and without children, to dedicate myself fully to this life, and to embrace its sorrows and its joys, to seek to live always in a way which is generous and open and loving and kind and gracious.

I choose to set aside my desires for a husband and children, for sex and marriage. Instead I choose to embrace a life of wholeness - of joyful, beloved intimacy with Jesus.

I seek to live well within my friendships and relationships in a way that honours you and other people.

I trust my future completely to you. It isn't the future that I thought I would have. It isn't the future that I would once have hoped for. It is the future that I now joyfully choose and embrace.

I trust you, loving Lord, for all that lies ahead, both good and bad. I trust you for your love, your friendship, your forgiveness, your mercy, your comfort, your grace.

I trust you because you know me better than I know myself. I trust you with my pain and grief and sadness as well as with my expectation and excitement and joy.

Today, as your daughter, precious and loved, called and chosen, I vow to live always and only for you.

I thank you for calling me beloved.

So there it is - the words that I vowed to the Lord. Even writing them out again feels special and precious! I have framed a copy of them, signed by me and the Bishop.

After Bishop Paul received my vow, I received a ring (it's completely beautiful - it was my great grandma's engagement ring), and he anointed it with oil and blessed me. I started to wear a ring on my left hand ring finger 2 years ago when I began this process, so I'm wearing this new ring on the ring finger of my right hand - and still getting used to it.

5 days in, and it still all feels rather wonderful!

beLOVED ceremony pt 1

A little while ago now I blogged about my 'beLOVED ceremony'. Well, it happened! Yesterday, in the Lady Chapel at Liverpool Cathedral, around 100 very dear people gathered together for a really beautiful ceremony. It was exactly as I had hoped it would be! Such a joyful and special day. If you read the other blog you'll know what it was all about, but some people have been asking to know more about what happened, so I thought I'd share some of it here.

Below, then, I've copied the words that I said on the day near the beginning of the service, to explain what it's all about. It's therefore similar-ish to my last-but-one post but I thought it would give a flavour of what happened yesterday. More info will follow if you're interested, as I'll blog more about it in the days to come. This isn't the vow, this is just some background and explanation to it all.

So this is what I said:

Well, this is fun isn't it? I've been planning today for such a long time and I couldn't quite imagine what it would look like in reality, but here it is, and here you are, and it's wonderful.

The past few years have been quite a journey as I've thought and learnt and written and taught and prayed about singleness. It's Ian's fault, actually, for starting it all off... He's the one who asked me - what, probably almost 10 years ago now - whether I'd do a seminar at New Wine on singleness. I said no, obviously! The thing was I'd just never heard a talk on singleness that didn't leave everyone feeling considerably worse at the end than they had done at the beginning. I couldn't even envisage what a positive and helpful talk on singleness would look like.

But then I had a dream, and this really hardly ever happens to me, where I woke up, and I absolutely knew that God has spoken to me, and I ended up telling Ian I wanted to do not one but two seminars. And I began to explore what it looked like to live a God obsessed life in a marriage obsessed church and in a sex obsessed world.

I did those New Wine seminars, and then some more, and before I knew it I was being invited all over the country, and indeed all over the world, to speak about singleness. It's certainly an interesting and unexpected thing to have accidentally become a world expert in!

And while I definitely didn't see it coming, I am actually extremely grateful for it, and it's been an amazing privilege. It didn't take long for this subject to become a major passion of mine. I saw just how important it was. I saw how many people were really wrestling with this issue, trying to figure it out, trying to live well in the midst of it. I saw how, very sadly, church had often become a really hard place to be for single people.

It has been a joy to spend the best part of 10 years now journeying with this topic - academically, theologically, spiritually and personally. You simply wouldn't believe some of the conversations I've had with people, as they've dared to share with me their innermost struggles. I hope it's been, and continues, to be, a bit of a wake-up call for the church.

And of course in the midst of all that, I wrote a book. If Ian is to blame for the seminars, Kate is to blame for the book - why not, she said...?! And Graham, too, who helped me to find a publisher and didn't just laugh in my face.

I think though (naively, I now realise) that I thought I could keep all of this, to a degree, at arms' length. I mean obviously it was personal, and one of the things I decided right from the start was that I'd always try to be completely honest. There didn't seem to be any point in doing this and not being, and people seemed to value that. There may at times, of course, have been too much honesty - I don't think I have a fully functioning 'TMI' filter...

But I think I thought nonetheless that this was something which was 'out there'. I assumed that my own personal journey would be separate from the speaking and the writing.

But God, of course, had a different plan. He began, bit by bit, to show me what that was going to look like.

It came firstly as a sudden, unexpected, surprising but definite certainty that I wouldn't get married. I won't tell you the whole story again - I'm assuming you've read the book! If you haven't, I'll be more than willing to flog you a copy before you leave.

To be honest I still struggle to find exactly the right words to describe what happened. Was it a calling, or a choice, or just an understanding of the circumstances? I think it was sort of all three, in a way. Certainly I feel that this is God's best for me, the path he wants me to follow. And certainly I feel too that I did have a choice. I could have rejected it, and chosen a different path. But I wanted in this area, as I want in all areas of my life, to do what he wants me to do. To live his best for me.

So, for a while, I lived in that reality. I tried to find ways to articulate it when people asked me whether I still hoped to get married. I tried to blog about it in a funny way, and sometimes got accused of being bitter when people didn't get my sense of humour. I tried to figure out what it would mean for my future, and to seek to live well in the present.

And then, gradually this time, I became aware of a growing sense that God was asking me to 'go public' with this. I've got to tell you, it's a good job that he took a while to work up to this because if I'd known from that start that this is where it was going, I'd have run. Fast and far.

As I look back now it's amazing this even happened at all because I didn't even know this was a thing. I'd certainly never known anyone who'd done anything like it. And I'm incredibly grateful to those of you who were there from the start as I first began to imagine what it might look like. Thanks for helping me to work this all out.

And so 2 and a bit years ago I gathered with my closest friends and I made a bit of a vow and we all prayed together, and laughed and cried a bit. And I've spent the 2 years since then sort of sitting with it and seeing where it went. And this - this is where it went. This just feels so completely right.

If I'm honest, I still don't really understand why. Why me, why this, why now? I don't know. But I don't think it matters, really, because I'm certain that God does. He knows me better than I know myself, and if this is his best for me, as I think it is, then I'm all in, Maybe it'll just be this one off event between me and him. Maybe it'll be the start of a worldwide movement, as people do their own 'beLOVED' thing. Who knows?

Certainly I don't think this is right for all single people. But for some, for me, it is. And I'm really grateful for the clarity and the freedom of that.

If you're wondering about the name, I did wrestle for a long time over it. For quite some time I just referred to all this as The Thing. But then I was drawn again and again to Song of Songs, and I remembered a phrase I'd heard someone say in a talk - that "God calls you beloved, and he says Be Loved." So there it is.

Someone once said to me "it must be great to know you're called to singleness, so that it isn't painful any more." Ah. No. Sorry about that, but that isn't how it's gone down for me. The only wobbles over the past 2 years have been when I've been wrestling with this, and struggling, and thinking, "should it really be this hard?" But then I've remembered what it always looks like to follow the Jesus Way - the joy and the pain and the hope and the hardship and the grace all mixed up together. And I think that's ok. I think that's how it's meant to be, and how it always will be. I think I can be utterly certain that this is the way I'm meant to live, and still sometimes burst into tears at random moments because it flipping well hurts and I'm lonely and sad.

So anyway, thanks for being here today. Thanks for being on my team. Thanks for not thinking I'm bonkers for doing this - or if you do think that, for hiding it really well. I guess I'm going to need your help in the future to keep on this path, so please stick around. You're all lovely.

beLOVED

Hmm. Where to start with this post?! Well, I guess the beginning is as good a place as any, so grab a drink and settle in. This could be a long one...

Those of you who have followed this blog for a while, or read my blog, or heard me speak on singleness, will know some of this story - so bear with...

8 years ago I first spoke about singleness, at the New Wine North summer event in Newark. Since then God has taken me on an incredible journey in this whole area, and I've been privileged to travel all over the UK and the world speaking on singleness, and also to have my book Single Minded published: https://wordery.com/single-minded-kate-wharton-9780857214300?cTrk=NjY5NjkzMTJ8NTllYTYxMDc3ZThiZToxOjI6NTllYTYwZmYzNTgxMzkuODU4MzUwMzg6MGM3MWY4NTE%3D

It has been a huge learning curve. It has been my privilege to meet many single people, and to hear their stories, and to share together with them some of the ups and downs of this journey. It has also been great to be invited to share with a number of churches and colleges, and to help them to think about how they can be places of genuine welcome and community.

Inevitably, and wonderfully, over that time God has also been speaking to me about my own life and walk with him. I have learnt SO MUCH about myself and about God! Some of that journey is explored in Chapter 7 of the book (incidentally, I always know whether or not someone is telling the truth about having read my book, since I share so personally in Chapter 7 - so if they don't know that part of my story, they haven't really read it!)

In that chapter I shared my belief that God was calling me to remain single, and that I had decided to make a choice to embrace that calling and live that way.

But since then, there's more...!

A couple of years ago I began to sense that God was calling me to do something to publicly mark that calling and decision. I had no idea how to do that, or if it was even a thing! I began to explore a bit, and discovered that there was a fact a way to do this, a community to join as someone who had chosen to remain single for life. The problem was that while that particular community may be a great choice for many people, it simply wasn't the right one for me. It didn't seem to reflect my personality, my story, my churchmanship, my journey.

After a bit of time spent praying and wondering and pondering, I went to talk to my Bishop, who fortunately is all sorts of wise. He said that if the existing way to do this wasn't right for me, then I should just make up my own way! So I did, with his help, and the help of my closest friends.

So it was that in Sept 2015 12 of us gathered together in the Bishop's chapel as I made what if I was becoming a nun (which I REALLY am not!) I might have called 'novitiate vows'. I made a vow, they prayed for me, we sang, we shared communion. It was wonderful.

And then I spent the next 2 years seeking God for what this might look like going forward. Had I really heard him right? Was this a bonkers idea born out of too much cheese one night - or was it really a calling from the Lord, a chance to serve him with my whole heart and soul in a new way, to explore a vcry particular vocation?

Well, 2 years has passed, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the cheese. I've actually never wavered from my conviction that this calling is from the Lord. There have been times when I've felt awed by the hugeness of it all, and what it represents. And I suspect I will always get a bit teary from time to time around babies. I will always need my people - my closest friends, who are family to me, who 'get' me and are there for me through it all.

I'm incredibly grateful to God for this adventure we're on together. I have no idea where this will lead or what it will look like in 2 more years, or 5, or 10. But I do know that this is what I need to do, now, before God.

So it is that at the end of November I will gather in Liverpool Cathedral, with some friends and family, to make the equivalent of 'life vows'. I am writing the service myself, to express who I am, and what this journey has looked like for me. 

Some of you know this, as you have walked the journey with me. I am more grateful to you than I can express, most especially those of you who were there in Sept 2015. Some of you will be there to celebrate with me in November (I can't wait!). Some of you can't be there, and I will miss you.

It's a source of huge sadness to me that I can't invite all of you wonderful people out there. I am blessed with so many amazing friends, and I thank God for you all - but for you all to be there I'd need the whole Cathedral, not just the Lady Chapel! (Not to mention that I'd have to re-mortgage the vicarage to pay for the lunch).

So, if I haven't invited you, I'm sorry - I hope you will still pray for me as I step out into this new thing with God.

I hope that what I've written makes sense. Lots of people, when I've told them, have done a goldfish impression for a while and then said "gosh - I've never heard of that before!" Well no, neither had I!

I hope Alan Scott will forgive me for quoting a sentence that I heard him say at New Wine this summer - "Who knows what Jesus will do next? He's desperately kind and wonderfully good." Oh yes! I'm so excited for what lies ahead...

Oh, and in case you're wondering about the title of this post, well, it's the name I have decided to give to this whole 'thing' that I'm doing. (Good job, too - its working title among my friends was 'The Thing' for months!). It comes from a phrase I heard Anne Maclaurin say years ago - "God calls you beloved and he says be loved."

So my 'Thing' in November is called the beLOVED ceremony (with thanks to Laura Ferguson for her design skills).

Just one...?

I've just got back from a short break in Dublin. I'd never been, and it turns out Dublin is a beautiful, fabulous city. You may have already known that! But if you didn't, I'm telling you - you need to go! I visited St. Patrick's and Christ Church Cathedrals, Dublinia, the GPO and the Witness History, Dublin Castle, did a walking tour, the Literary Pub Crawl, the 1916 'Beyond the Barricades' bus experience, went to Once at the theatre, did a tasting tour at the Irish Whiskey Museum, saw the Book of Kells at Trinity College and travelled all over the place on the open top tourist bus. I also ate a lot of food and drank a lot of beer! All in all, it was a very splendid holiday. I could have lived with the sun shining a bit more, but that's my only real complaint...!

It was a fairly last minute decision to go to Dublin. I went to Ljubljana for a week in May with a friend (also a gorgeous and wonderful city!), and am lucky enough to have a sabbatical from mid-October, some of which I'll be spending in the US. With all that going on, I hadn't really planned in much other time away - but it turns out that almost a whole year with only 1 week of actual holiday isn't really enough! So, to stop myself from losing the plot entirely I squeezed in this almost-a-week away.

I have a lovely friend with whom I go on holiday fairly often - generally once a year for the past several years. We like pretty much the same things, holiday-wise, so it works well, and we've got a good system going now! I also occasionally go away with my best friend's family, or I go to stay with friends around the country. That's all good.

There are times, however, when I want to go away, but either there's no one available to go away with, or we don't want to go to the same place, or we're not free at the same time, or whatever. It's the single person's holiday curse! In the not-at-all scientific survey I did of some single friends while I was writing my book, I asked them to rate various 'issues' faced by single people. 'Lack of touch' came out at the top of the list of things people struggled with, and 'holidays' came in second.

Whenever I share this list with groups of people when I'm speaking about singleness, married people are generally surprised by holidays being on the list, and certainly it isn't usually something they would guess. (The single people, of course, TOTALLY get it!).

It's a dilemma, especially for me as an extrovert. When I told some people that I was going away on my own, they sort of went quiet, and looked at me in that certain special way and asked "er, are you going to be... ok?" I tended to grin and cheerfully announce "well, there's only one way to find out...!"

I have been away on my own before, for a couple of days to London, and for a few days to Morpeth. However this time was my first holiday "abroad" (I know, it's Dublin not the Far East - but still!). It was only for 5 days and 4 nights, but that's a long time to not know whether I'd have any sort of meaningful conversation with another human person!

Anyway, the good news is that it was fabulous, almost all of the time. It helped that the Olympics was on, so when I got back to my hotel room each evening I could catch up on the day's events. It helped that the hotel had wifi so that I could spend time on social media when I was there - in fact that and a central location were my only 2 real requirements hotel-wise.

Often when I speak about singleness I have conversations with people who are too scared to go on holiday on their own. Sometimes they're too scared to go out for a meal or to the cinema or theatre on their own. I get that, I really do. But the thing is this - how much are you willing to miss out on? All those places you won't have visited, all those restaurants you won't have eaten in, all those films and plays and shows you won't have seen. So be brave! If I can do it, you can (and actually if you're more of an introvert than me, you might jump at the chance!).

So below (in no particular order) I offer you a few plus points of holidaying alone, a few suggestions of things which might help, as well as a few light-hearted grumbles and warnings...

• The first and most obvious positive is that you get to make all the decisions! Where to go, what to do, what time to eat, what time to sleep, etc etc. You can entirely please yourself, and it's marvellous!
• There is, though, a direct flipside to this, which is - you have to make all the decisions! Sometimes it would be nice to just have someone else make a suggestion, or a decision.
• Do take a book with you everywhere you go. It is a million times easier to sit in a cafe, restaurant, pub or bar while reading, than simply doing nothing. I tend to take my tablet and then I can read the newspaper or my kindle app or whatever. Without that I would get bored more quickly and also feel more awkward.
• Vary the things you do each day between things where you're on your own, or things where you'll be mixing with other people. I make a bit of a plan each evening about what I might do the next day.
• Sign up for some trips, or tours, where you'll mix with other people. All the tours I've ever done on holidays have included some people travelling alone. It's great, as you get to spend a bit of time within a group, and to share the experience with others. The walking tours and literary tours I did in Dublin were great for this, and on the literary pub crawl in particular I got chatting to some other girls travelling alone or in pairs.
• One annoying thing is there's no one else with you, so they can't go and reserve a table while you order or pay. The number of times I've missed out on a cafe table because someone behind me in the queue has had a friend to go and bagsy a table for them...!
• If you're going to the theatre and there's an interval, my suggestion is to buy a programme. I know they're ridiculously overpriced and are 80% adverts, but it really helps in the interval to have something to do! I never quite feel I can get out my book, but flicking through a programme helps me to feel less of a spare part!
• The last night was tricky. It was a Friday and I simply hadn't bargained for how busy everywhere would be. I wanted to find a pub with traditional music but everywhere was rammed. I wandered around for ages getting more and more hungry (hangry, if I'm totally honest!). I ended up in one pub where there were no tables, but you could sit at the bar and order snacks. I did so, and for 15 minutes was ignored by the bar and waiting staff. RUDE! I left...
• Do be brave - do the things you feel like doing, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks! I know it's a cliche to say you'll never have to see these people again - but it's a cliche because it's true! This was especially true for me on the last night. After my slightly trying evening, when I eventually did find a pub to eat in, I wanted a last-night treat. I ordered the special - lobster salad. The waiter genuinely paused, looked me up and down, and said "for one?" I thought "how many do you flipping well think it's for?" It's not as if it was a sharing platter - it was a single meal, for one, and I was on my own. So what if it was a fancy meal - I fancied it! I love lobster, I was near the coast, the seafood was amazing. Out loud, I said "yes, please." In my head, I said "DO AS I ASK AND BRING ME A LOBSTER AT ONCE, MY MAN." 
• In a similar vein, eat ice cream, or chips, or order Prosecco, or whatever the heck you feel like doing, regardless of whether you're on your own. Why shouldn't you?!
• The one thing that did drive me a bit mad while I was in Dublin, and prompted me to start mulling over this blog post, and was the inspiration for the title, was the number of times I went in somewhere and was asked "just one...?" Restaurants, cafes, bars, even, bizarrely, a bus... I have reached the point where I have no shame about this. Yes, I am only one, and I may well occupy a table that could take 2 or even 4. So what? I will spend money that is as good as theirs - and if you'd seen me eat, you'd realise I may even spend as much as they would! If people are rude about this, I leave. Whatevs. If they're friendly and accommodating, it scores them many points - I will return. I'm not deliberately difficult - if I start off at a big table and a smaller one becomes available I'll happily move, but I have as much right as anyone else to a table in the first place!
• I was on the open-topped bus one time and someone on their own got up to get off. The driver (who fancied himself as a bit of a "comedian" started to chat (into the mic which the whole bus could hear) - "where's the rest of your gang then? What - you're on your own? Billy-no-mates are you?" How flipping cheeky is that? When I got off I raced down the aisle and straight off, because if he'd said something like that to me then I can't guarantee I'd have been polite!
• I wonder what's in people's heads, sometimes, with this "just one...?" business. Is it that they could never conceive of going out, or away, on their own? Is it that they think you must have temporarily mislaid your partner or friend, and they're pointing it out in case you go "oh flip, I knew I'd forgotten something!" I mean, I realise it could just be a request for information - "what is the size of your party so that I know what facilities you require?" - but 9 times out of 10 it doesn't feel like that. And the question "table for one?" is perfectly reasonable, and generally I say it myself as I walk in. But it's the "*just...*?" that gets me - the unspoken feeling of "good gracious what on earth is wrong with you?" But maybe I'm just over sensitive...

Anyway, what about you? I'd love to hear. Do you agree, or disagree? Have you holidayed alone? How did it go? Or would you like to but have never quite had the nerve? Do share your thoughts and stories.

And to end, the final downside of holidaying alone - you end up with lots of photos of where you've been, but hardly any of you! (I know, I know, selfies, but I feel so daft!). And so here is the only photographic evidence I have that I was actually in Dublin at all - from the Irish Whiskey Museum, no less!

Being single - the tough bits

Last week I finally got round to blogging after a ridiculously long gap. I talked about one of the things from the last chapter of the book, where I'd asked a big group of my single friends what some of the good and bad bits were about being single. In that last post I looked at the great things, so this time I'm going to look at the not-so-great things.

Like last time, there's a bit of a caveat at the start - this is in no way a conclusive study, just the random thoughts of a random group of my random friends! Some of the things only apply to those who don't have children, or to those who live alone - and obviously not all single people fall into those categories.

That said, it's a pretty interesting list. I agree with some (although not all) of the things on the list, and I'd love to know what you think too.

So here goes...

• Becoming selfish and set in your ways
• Becoming too independent (as opposed to interdependent, which is a positive thing)
• Coming home to an empty house
• Feeling lonely
• Not necessarily being as devoted to God as I could be - spending as much time wrestling with being single as my married friends spend with their families!
• No one to care for you if you're ill
• No one with whom to share dreams and decision making
• Eating and drinking alone
• Lack of physical contact and hugs
• No one with whom to have a laugh
• No one to point out and help you to work on your bad habits
• Struggling with practical jobs
• Other people viewing you in a certain way (feeling a 'social failure')
• No one to make you take time off
• Not feeling loved and cherished by anyone
• Cost of living is more
• Having to do all the chores
• Worrying about the future and facing old age alone
• No one with whom to celebrate significant life events (who makes you a birthday cake?!)
• Difficulty arranging holidays
• Not having the viewpoint of someone of the other sex
• For men - society may be wary of them especially around children
• For women - safety issues in the house
• People assume you have lots of free time
• An integrity issue - trying to be the same in public and in private
• Worries about the future - planning for retirement
• Going to places on your own
• Seeing others get married
• Not having children (if that's the case for you)

It's a long list! What do you think?

Some things can feel negative one day and positive another, depending on all sorts of other factors. Some things can be a negative and a positive at almost exactly the same time.

My favourite example of this is from 2012 when I had tickets to the Paralympics in London. On the Thursday, I went together with my lovely friend Nikki. On the Friday, she had to work, but as we'd only seen team sports I decided I'd like to see some athletics so bought myself a ticket and headed off.

The brilliant thing about it was that I could please myself! I made the decision to go, booked the ticket, travelled to the park, and had a great day out. I ate what I wanted to and came and went as I pleased, without having to worry about anyone else. The difficult thing about it was that I had to spend the day all by myself, with no one to share in the experience with me.

I'm really glad that I decided to go. I had a fantastic day and saw some brilliant sport (including one of my heroes, Hannah Cockroft, winning gold!). As an added bonus I even bumped into some friends and got to spend some time with them. I went for it, and I'm glad.

The really funny PS to all that is that sometimes we're ok with our singleness, but others aren't. When I arrived at the stadium, I asked one of the gamesmakers to take my photo. He was utterly horrified that I was there on my own, and insisted on being in the photo with me! I'll post the photo below - he was lovely, but it still makes me chuckle how concerned he was that I was there on my own!

The single issues(s)

(With apologies to Al Hsu for the corruption of his book title!). But actually I really recommend the book (alongside my own of course!) - The Single Issue, by Al Hsu, published by Monarch.

So, what are some of the issues which face single people? When I was writing the book I came up with a list of things. It's in no way a scientific or even a representative list - I just sat and pondered for a bit and came up with these 7 things. They may more accurately reflect me and my issues than they do anyone else's! But certainly whenever I've spoken on this topic there have been enough heads nodding to make to me think I'm not completely off in my own world on this.

One of the fun things about writing the book was that I asked lots of my single friends to fill in questionnaires, and many generously did so. Their stories appear throughout the book. They also gave some useful data and information.

So I thought I'd unpack below the 7 issues I identified, and why I think they are (or can be) issues for single people.

The one which came out top of the list, as being a significant issue for 54% of people, was 'lack of touch'. This is interesting because it wouldn't be the top of my list, and it's hardly ever what people guess as top of the list when I ask them. But it clearly is something which some people struggle with - perhaps particularly if 'physical touch' is one of their Love Languages (see http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ if you don't know what they are!).

I can see why this is an issue for so many single people. If you live alone, as many single people do (or even if you don't), then you may really miss having someone around to 'touch'. This isn't particularly even about sexual or romantic touch - but simply the lack of a hug, a touch on the shoulder, a pat on the arm - those normal human interactions which remind us that we're alive, and not alone in the world. Depending on how we spend our time, we might go several days without any touch from another person, and this can't be good for our wellbeing. Clearly some people value touch much more than others, but for all of us there are times when we just long for another person to show us they care, and they are there, in some physical way.

I think the church has a huge opportunity here to help when people are struggling with this. We can be in the ministry of hugs! (Go easy though - some people would run screaming from the building, never to return, if greeted in church with a barrage of hugs!). But let's be aware of one another's needs, and get touchy - in a good way!

Second on the list, and an issue for 44% of people, was holidays. This is an interesting one. It's perhaps the one that's hardest for married people to understand. And maybe, if you're part of a big family which holidays together, or you have a strong group of friends that always go away together, this won't be an issue for you as a single person either. But for lots of single people this is a biggie! I know it is for me.

I've had some great holidays with some great friends, but it's always a big source of stress. Holidays are massively important to me, I love to travel and I love to do exciting things on holiday. But planning and organising holidays by myself is hard. I have to decide whether to go alone, or with some sort of group, or with friends. If on my own, I have to bite the bullet and be very brave, If with a group I have to take a risk that it'll work out (btw I can recommend Imaginative Traveller - independent group holiday firm; I've had some great trips with them). If with friends I have to pluck up the courage to ask, we have to sync dates, decide on a destination we both want to go to, and hope we'll still be friends by the end!

There are places that I haven't been to, and holidays I haven't been on, because I don't want to do them on my own (although there are also places I have been on my own and had an amazing time!). [I'm deliberately setting out some of the negative issues here - I realise as someone without children I also have a huge amount of flexibility regarding holidays, which I'm very grateful for].

The third issue, which 39% of people identified with, is not having someone around to talk to and share with. [Again the caveat here - we're not wearing rose tinted glasses. We understand that there are issues in marriages too and there isn't always lovely harmonious conversation at the end of each day! But we're simply describing something we 'miss'].

This is a big one for me, being such an extrovert. I find it really hard to process things, make decisions, plan, reflect etc without having someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I think about something until I've talked about it! It's hard to get in after a long or difficult meeting and not be able to offload; or to have a talk to prepare and no one to go over it with; or a big decision to make and no one to weigh up the pros and cons with, or an amazing thing that's happened and no one to share it with. I have fabulous (patient, long suffering...) friends who allow me to download my brain for hours on the phone or in person, and that's great, but it's rarely 'in the moment', so I often have to store things up till I see them (or risk inappropriate sharing with the next random stranger I see...).

My need to share/talk/process is why I love social media so much (and, lately, blogging). It enables me to share something as it's happening and get feedback and comments. I know some people think it's inane to post about the mundane stuff of life but it really helps me to feel less isolated. So yay to all my Facebook friends and Twitter followers!

The fourth issue, which came in at 32% was loneliness. This is usually the one which people I'm speaking to guess will have been top! I don't know why it wasn't as almost all single people do identify it as an issue for them at least some of the time. I've blogged about it elsewhere so won't say much more - but just that I think this is another area where the church can massively help out. We really need to do better at the whole community thing - being there for people at significant life moments, helping out with household stuff, chilling out with people without any big agenda - basically just doing life together. In some places this is happening so beautifully. I really think it could be hugely significant to us reaching the 18-30s generation as it's a big issue for so many of them. So come on church - step up!

The fifth issue was sex (that is, not having it!) with 24%. I'm going to post more about this another time (you may or may not be pleased to know!!). Perhaps inevitably this is the issue that most people find it the hardest to talk about so it's hard to know exactly people's thoughts/difficulties. I wonder whether it's harder for those who have been in sexual relationships in the past and now are not? But maybe not? It's definitely a tricky one...! But we need to be better at speaking out about it, because being all coy on the matter doesn't help anyone! Look out for a future blog... (you have been warned!).

Sixth was childlessness (17%), and I think the reason this and the next came lower down the list is that they're not necessarily issues for everyone - clearly some single people do have children. (Clearly also, some don't, but don't want to). However, for those who don't have children but wish they did, this can be an incredibly painful thing. I blogged about my own perspective on this just after Mothering Sunday so I won't say much more...

And finally, seventh was living alone, with just 10% of people identifying this is a big issue (as I say, this may in part be because it didn't apply to everyone). I have to say I really quite like living alone, in spite of the issues it sometimes raises of loneliness, and not having someone to talk to. I like pleasing myself as to what I eat and when, what I watch on TV, when I go to bed and get up, how I decorate, etc. (Although I do sometimes wish there was someone else there to make a cup of tea or unload the dishwasher!). I also realise I have no one else to blame when the place is an absolute hovel, which is 90% of the time...

So there we are. A very random meander through some issues which are relevant to some single people. They appear in more detail in Chapter 1 'Wholly Single'. I'd love to know what you think...

And here's a recent 'holiday with a great friend' photo - definitely more fun to go cava-tasting with someone else...!

Probably my least favourite phrase in the whole world is...

... "I know exactly how you feel." (I wonder what you thought it was going to be when you read that title?!)

It's a phrase that I really don't like, because it simply can't ever be true, and yet people say it all the time. Sometimes they say it without thinking, just as a throwaway comment, a phrase which fills a gap in a conversation. Sometimes they say it because they want to jump into whatever it is that they're saying and make it about them instead (because, ultimately, most of us human beings are fairly self centred!). Sometimes they say it because they are genuinely sorry for you and don't know quite what the right thing is to say.

Often they say it for all the right reasons - because they care; because they're sympathetic; because they're sorry you're going through whatever it is; because words are never really enough, and because they want to say something that somehow conveys all of that.

I get all that - I understand that very often the words "I know exactly how you feel" are meant in a good way. And yet I still wish people wouldn't say them! Maybe it's just me. Maybe I need to forget the actual words, and the fact that (whatever the person intends) they're simply not ever true, and instead hear behind them the love which the person is trying to convey. And of course, most of the time, that's what I do. It's not as if every time someone says that sentence in my presence I immediately inform them that they do not, in actual fact, have the first idea (although, I have to be honest, I do *sometimes* do that!!).

Maybe when someone says that phrase to you, you're able to hear it how they may well have meant it - "I understand. You're not alone. I've been there." If so, great. The problem, though, is that that's not how I generally hear it - and I wonder whether others feel the same? (If not, this has just been a big diary splurge of a blog post. Feel free to ignore it and carry on with what you were doing before I interrupted...)

The problem, I think, is that this phrase, often intended to convey the sentiment of "I understand," in fact can convey quite the opposite. Because when someone says "I know exactly how you feel" what can be heard is something like this - "I've been there and I'm fine now so what are you moaning about?" or "It really wasn't as bad as all that. Stop making such a fuss." or "My experience was worse than yours. Let me tell you about it..."

Maybe that's a bit extreme. But you know what I mean. I think the phrase conveys an undermining of the feelings of the person who's speaking - which is a shame, because I'm sure that usually quite the opposite is what's meant.

And of course, the major problem with  "I know exactly how you feel" is that it isn't true. It can't be true. For instance - I've written a book on singleness. I'm a 35 year old female vicar who has always been single. But even if I were to come across another 35 year old female vicar who has always been single, I wouldn't know exactly how she felt. My life is different from her life. The way I experience the things that happen to me are different from the way she experiences the things that happen to her. Her hopes and dreams and fears and anxieties and insecurities are different from mine.

I might hope that saying "I know exactly how you feel" will make her see that I understand and empathise (and again, maybe it would for some people - but it doesn't for me, and I've heard enough people express frustration at hearing this phrase that I don't think I'm totally alone!).

I wonder, then, whether we might try a couple of other phrases out instead? Often I think we say things like this (or any of the other daft, well-meaning things we're all prone to say) because, in the face of someone else's pain or difficulty or upset, we don't know how to respond. We want to help, and to say the right thing, but we don't know what that is. How about "I'm so sorry, that's awful." or "That sounds really hard." or "I'm here for you whatever happens." Those all seem to me to work pretty well - and they have one major advantage over "I know exactly how you feel" - they can actually be true!

Chapter 2 - Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage obsessed church

So, hot on the heels of last Thursday's blog about Chapter 1, I bring you... Chapter 2! When I was first asked to speak on the subject of singleness, I said no - I'd never heard a good or helpful talk on singleness (well, I'd hardly heard any, really!), and I wasn't too sure what there was to say about it! I was asked again, and I still wasn't convinced - and then one morning I work up with two titles in my head - "Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage-obsessed church" and "Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world." I thought they were really rather good! Since they clearly hadn't come from my brain, I felt that they must be from God, and so I replied to my friend saying that I would do the singleness talk - and not just one, but two!

The response is interesting when I mention these titles to people. Single people often nod enthusiastically as they agree that yes, the church can often feel like a place which is obsessed by, and revolves around, marriage. Married people either look outraged as if to say "how very dare you?" or they raise their eyebrows and smile nervously as if to indicate that they're sorry, and they didn't mean it to be this way, but actually, probably, that is a fair point.

Don't get me wrong. I think marriage is fabulous. It's vitally important and I'm all in favour of it. I've blogged before about weddings. My point is not that marriage is bad, but that we must be careful that we don't venerate it to the point where we make single people feel like second class citizens. Being married isn't "better" than being single (even though I have had people tell me that it is!). It is simply different.

In this chapter of the book I give an outline of what the church says about marriage - its history, and why it sees it as important. Then I go on to talk about some real experiences which real single people have had in real churches. And some of them are really not good!

I talk about the issue of single people being seen as having more time than married people, and so being asked to do all sorts of jobs, as if they have nothing to do outside of church. Now in some ways of course perhaps single people (those without children at least) do have more flexibility with their time. However, there are plenty of other things that they have to do with that time - not least the shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc...!

Next there's the issue of loneliness - a massive area, and one which lots of single people (at least those who live alone) identify as being a real problem for them. It's worthy of a post all of its own, so at some point in the future maybe I'll write some more about it. But for now I'll say that there's so much churches can do in order to 'be family' for single people, and to help out those who are feeling lonely. And as single people (without children), we have a massive opportunity to turn our loneliness into solitude and to seek times of peace and quiet with the Lord (something which our friends with small children can only dream of!).

I then discuss the issue of whether married people really understand singleness and what it feels like. Again, this is a big area and it's discussed in more detail in Chapter 6. Maybe sometimes the issue is that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people, and sometimes the issue is that single people *think* that married people don't understand the issues faced by single people! It is possible for us as single people to get a chip on our shoulders about this...! Having said that, though, there are times when married people say some genuinely, astonishingly crass and insensitive things to single people! In the book I have given a few examples. If any of my married friends or colleagues read the book and recognise themselves and their comments, I apologise! I love you, and I don't mean to offend you or make you feel bad. But really, some of these comments need naming and shaming!

The next issue I cover is the issue for single people of where they 'fit in' to the church - sometimes they feel they're not quite treated as grown ups, and if they don't have children they may feel excluded from family events - or even if they do, sometimes as single parents they feel left out.

My argument through the whole of this chapter is that the church should be better at this stuff than it is! I don't say that to put the blame 'out there' - any of us who would consider ourselves part of the church have to accept some of the responsibility for this! But surely, as church, we should the place people - ALL people - feel most loved, most welcomed, most accepted, most included, most valued, most at home. I really think that's what Jesus meant the church to be like!

So, I've written a book!

Yes, apparently it's true. Apparently I really have written a book. I find this fairly astonishing. I actually have very little idea as to how it happened. In fact I wouldn't believe it all if it wasn't for the fact that I have a shiny book jacket with my name on sitting on my desk, and a quick online search reveals that something claiming to have been written by me is now available for pre-order. (But don't order online - order direct from me!!).

So many people have asked me how I went about it - how long did it take? when did I find the time? how did I get a publisher? how did I decide what to write about? had I always wanted to write a book?

The answers to most of those questions are boringly mundane really! I hadn't ever really thought very much about writing a book - it wasn't so much that I did or didn't want to, as that I couldn't ever conceive of doing it. I might as well have thought about unicycling around the British Isles! I knew people who had written books, certainly, and they were intelligent, academic, articulate people. I didn't feel as though I was any of those things, and I certainly didn't think I was 'clever enough' to write a book.

Even if I had got as far as thinking I might like to write a book, I wouldn't have had much of a clue as to what I might write about. I love reading books, but one of the consequences of reading a lot is that it can seem as though pretty much every book you could think of has already been written. I couldn't have really imagined what I might have to say that would add anything to what had already been said.

I'd read a few books on singleness, but not many - mainly because there didn't seem to be many around. I'd read a few from the US, which were interesting, but coming from a very different social and cultural background from ours here in the UK. I also hadn't really heard many talks on the subject. That was ok - it didn't seem to be a huge lack in my life. I was aware, however, and especially as I got older, that there were occasionally times when there was something of a miscommunication between me and my married friends, or when the language which was used in church suddenly felt a bit jarring.

[Throughout this time God was speaking to me about my own singleness and what that might look like for the future - but that's another story... (you'll have to read the book to find out more!)]

One day I was asked if I would speak at one of the New Wine summer conferences about singleness. I said no, because to be perfectly honest, having not read or heard much on the subject, I just wasn't quite sure what there was to say. Was this an area that really needed teaching on? And if it did, was I the person to do it? I wasn't at all sure. It seemed that God had different ideas though, because suddenly one morning I woke up with 2 seminar titles in my mind, and I was completely certain that I had to speak on those 2 subjects (that sort of thing doesn't happen to me often!). I did do those 2 talks, and have since done them in other places too, and those 2 titles became 2 chapter titles in the book - 'Living a God-obsessed life in a sex-obsessed world' and 'Living a God-obsessed life in a marriage-obsessed church'. (I knew the titles came from God and not from me because they were actually rather good!).

As I did those first 2 talks, and then subsequently as I did others in the months which followed, something began to stir in me. I found myself getting more and more passionate about the topic. I loved speaking about singleness! I loved reading about it and thinking about it and talking about it. I enjoyed meeting other single people and hearing their stories and learning from them and encouraging them.

Then one day, my friend said, "you know all these talks you're doing - you've got a few chapter headings for a book there." And I thought "ha ha, that's really funny." But the thought didn't go away. I kept wondering about it, and thinking of ways in which it actually might work. The problem was that I had no idea how to actually go about writing a book, and I was worried that no one would be interested in it anyway. I spoke to another friend, who had written a number of books themselves (one of the intelligent ones I mentioned!). He very kindly introduced me to Monarch, who had published some of his books, and they agreed to read some draft chapters. I thought there wouldn't be any harm in sending them a couple to see what they said.

From there, the whole thing just snowballed. I look back on it now and I can't remember quite how it all happened. I don't even recall the precise moment at which I thought "yes, let's do this." I just know that I started to write, and I found that I had things to say, and I really, really enjoyed it. Of course it was hard work fitting it in around everything else I was doing, but let's face it, we always find times for the things we enjoy doing, and we should always find times for the things we're called to do - and this was both of those!

As the deadline approached (terrifyingly quickly) there were a few crazed evenings where I finished 'work' at 10pm and then started on the book, sometimes not finishing till 2am. That wasn't a huge amount of fun. But the sense of achievement on getting to the end was amazing. I am SO excited about this thing that I have produced! I really hope other people like it too, and find it useful, but whatever happens, it's been an amazing experience. I'm pretty sure that if I can do it, you can do it, so if this has always been your dream, then why not give it a go!

Over the next few weeks I'll blog a bit about each of the chapters, to whet your appetite a bit, ahead of the release of the book in June. It is SO exciting and SO terrifying!