A couple of weeks ago I was invited to be on 'Woman to Woman' on Premier Christian Radio, being interviewed by Maria Rodrigues along with Daphne Clifton. We were talking about what it's like being single (well, specifically being a single woman - apologies guys!) at Christmas. I've been meaning to blog about it ever since but being Advent (& having been ill for most of it!), I've not got round to it till now.
If you want to listen to the whole interview, you can do so here - http://www.premierchristianradio.com/Shows/Weekday/Woman-to-Woman/Episodes/Woman-to-Woman134?utm_medium=email&utm_source=Premier+Christian+Media&utm_campaign=5115194_IGNITE%3A+9%2F12%2F14&utm_content=w2w-single&dm_i=16DQ%2C31MWQ%2C9KKG1C%2CAXYXO%2C1
Interestingly a recent BBC report states that 7% of people expect to spend Christmas Day alone this year (that number rises to 10% among the over 65s). http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-30432939
That's totally fine if those people *want* to be on their own, as of course many do. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-30512529?ocid=socialflow_twitter
The point is, though, that an awful lot of those people don't want to spend Christmas Day alone, and will find it a very difficult and painful day. This is a tragedy. I really think that no one should have to spend Christmas Day alone if they don't want to.
I love this story that I heard today, of a woman who didn't want to spend Christmas alone, and didn't want others to have to either, so paid for 40 people to have Christmas dinner in a pub. (Admittedly it was today, not on Christmas Day, so some of them might still be alone then). http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-30586667
In the church where I was curate we used to do lunch in the church hall on Christmas Day. We'd get around 35 people each year - some families, some elderly couples, some people who lived alone. There was always great food and a great atmosphere. We've thought about doing it at my current church but unfortunately we don't have a church hall. Maybe one year we'll manage it in a different venue. I do know though that some people invite in others who might otherwise be on their own - and I'm very glad they do.
My very lovely best friend and her family have invited me every year since we all moved to Liverpool to have breakfast with them on Christmas Day. This is such a lovely, thoughtful thing to do, and it makes such a difference to the day for me. Even if I have people I'm going to see later, being on my own in the morning before church isn't much fun. But now I get to wake up early, drive to their house, eat a yummy breakfast, watch their 3 gorgeous little people open their presents, and have my very own stocking, all before coming back in time for church. What an absolute joy!
I have spent most Christmases of my life with my parents, but twice in the last few years I've spent the day with good friends and their families. That's also been a joy, to be welcomed in to someone else's family and home.
It isn't just Christmas Day itself that can be hard though, is it? There are lots of social events at Christmas that can be tough if you're single. Going to parties alone can be hard (and for extroverts, like me, going home afterwards can be even harder, with no one to debrief to!).
Church can actually be quite a hard place to be for single people at Christmas too (well, I know that sadly church can often be a hard place for single people...!). But Christmas particularly is often seen as a real 'family' occasion. There are lots of services and events for families and for children, and single people can feel left out of this. (Of course, this is also true for anyone for whom 'family' is difficult for whatever reason).
I've said this before, but for those of us connected in any way with church, surely we should be doing something about this? Surely as church, as community, as family, we should be able to make sure that no one is lonely, especially at Christmas, that no one is on their own if they don't want to be.
I realise it can be hard sometimes to accept these invitations even if they come - we don't want to impose, we think people are only inviting us out of politeness, we think we'd be in the way of a family time. I really get that! But honestly, if you're fortunate enough to have been invited by someone (and if you want to go!), then do say yes. Don't miss out on what could be a wonderful day for fear of imposing on others - chances are they wouldn't have invited you if they didn't actually want you to go!
As single people we can also make the decision to be proactive. We don't need to just sit and wait and hope for invitations or whatever. As a single vicar I can't really invite people round on Christmas Day as I don't think I could quite manage the service as well as the cooking! But I can invite people round at other times. For 10 years now I've had a tradition of inviting round a group of friends on the Friday before Christmas. There's anything from around 12 to 25 of us, all ages, and we eat a gigantic amount of cake, play games, and have lots of fun. I absolutely love it! I love being able to be the one who does the cooking and the hosting (it is absolutely not allowed for anyone to bring anything!).
So yes, Christmas can be tough if you're single. Is it harder than every other day of the year? I guess different ones of us will answer that question differently, and of course it depends on our own personal circumstances. But let's all (whether married or single) look out for one another, especially at this time of year. Let's love one another, bear with one another, empathise with one another. Let's extend an extra invitation to someone. Let's do our best to make sure church is really family.
Happy Christmas!
Tuesday, 23 December 2014
Thursday, 4 December 2014
200th anniversary - the joy of celebration
At. St. George's we've recently celebrated a very special anniversary. October 26th marked exactly 200 years since the service to consecrate the church. I arrived here 5 1/2 years ago and so knew from the start that this was looming, although it's come around much more quickly than I thought it would! We've spent quite a long time planning how we would celebrate, because we wanted to get it just right!
Throughout the year, we had a series of different events, some just for fun, some enhanced versions of things we do anyway, some extra special. Leading up to the big day, we invited back each of our 4 most recent vicars to preach at our 11am service. We loved having them, and I think they enjoyed coming back too. It must be strange going back to somewhere you used to be so much a part of, but now have left behind - seeing many familiar things, some just the same, but lots new too.
We planned a big celebration for the weekend itself. On the Saturday we had an Open Day. Ken Rogers, the journalist, author and historian, who is a great friend to us at St. George's, kindly came along, spent the day with us, and did a talk. Bob Harrington, our wonderful retired Reader and leader of our History Group, did his 'hats' sketch, where simply by changing his hat he becomes James Cragg, Thomas Rickman and Robert Buddicomb! Anyone was welcome to come, but we especially invited back anyone who was baptised or married here, or who had ever been in the choir or Sunday School. Michael Bennett played the organ and Mark Loudon took the photos and we had a great celebration! People shared their memories and brought along their photos. The long-service award went to Reg, baptised here in 1923! It was a really great day.
On the Sunday we had a service in the morning just for our current congregation. We played pass the parcel, made a new communion table cloth using our painted handprints, and prayed and worshipped together as we do week by week. We enjoyed a lovely cake. It was a lovely time of being together. There was then a few hours of frantic activity and preparation before the Big Event!
At 3pm we had our main celebration service. Church was absolutely packed, with close to 200 adults, plus under 4s at the back. The 4-11s were next door in the Beacon School enjoying a puppet show! The service was wonderful, with great music, a fantastic sermon from Pete, the Dean of Liverpool, and lots of special guests and friends. We watched a video made by Ashley, the curate, who'd filmed people from church, the school and the community, describing St. George's in one word. It makes me cry every time I watch it! I love how often the words 'home', 'family' and 'community' come up. We also read out some of the memories we'd collected from people filling in memory cards over the previous weeks. Afterwards we all went over to the school for lots more cake.
Apart from my ordinations & licensings, this was my very favourite church service ever! It was so joyful, full of fun and life and celebration. It was also one of the most exhausting things I've ever done!
Planning for this occasion over so many years, and then enjoying each of the events as they happened, and especially experiencing the weekend itself, really made me reflect on how important it is to celebrate big life events together as a community. St. George's 200th anniversary really mattered. It mattered to those of us who are currently part of the church, of course. But more than that, it mattered to anyone who ever had been part of it, and who still thought of it fondly. It mattered to anyone who lived in the community and saw it as 'their' church. It mattered to anyone who had ever attended a special service there, whether one of joy or sorrow. It mattered to people of faith and to people of none.
I think, and I hope, that we did St. George's proud as we celebrated. It's exciting to think of what events and occasions might be celebrated there in the future. We looked around at our little ones and wondered whether any of them will be there when the 250th anniversary comes around in 2064.
It's incredible to stand in this stunning church and think about all that's happened here over the years. How many couples married, how many people baptised, how many loved ones bid farewell, how many people finding faith, how many relationships restored, how many prayers prayed, how many sicknesses healed, how many dreams dreamed.
I think this was one of those moments when it was ok to feel a bit proud! :)
Throughout the year, we had a series of different events, some just for fun, some enhanced versions of things we do anyway, some extra special. Leading up to the big day, we invited back each of our 4 most recent vicars to preach at our 11am service. We loved having them, and I think they enjoyed coming back too. It must be strange going back to somewhere you used to be so much a part of, but now have left behind - seeing many familiar things, some just the same, but lots new too.
We planned a big celebration for the weekend itself. On the Saturday we had an Open Day. Ken Rogers, the journalist, author and historian, who is a great friend to us at St. George's, kindly came along, spent the day with us, and did a talk. Bob Harrington, our wonderful retired Reader and leader of our History Group, did his 'hats' sketch, where simply by changing his hat he becomes James Cragg, Thomas Rickman and Robert Buddicomb! Anyone was welcome to come, but we especially invited back anyone who was baptised or married here, or who had ever been in the choir or Sunday School. Michael Bennett played the organ and Mark Loudon took the photos and we had a great celebration! People shared their memories and brought along their photos. The long-service award went to Reg, baptised here in 1923! It was a really great day.
On the Sunday we had a service in the morning just for our current congregation. We played pass the parcel, made a new communion table cloth using our painted handprints, and prayed and worshipped together as we do week by week. We enjoyed a lovely cake. It was a lovely time of being together. There was then a few hours of frantic activity and preparation before the Big Event!
At 3pm we had our main celebration service. Church was absolutely packed, with close to 200 adults, plus under 4s at the back. The 4-11s were next door in the Beacon School enjoying a puppet show! The service was wonderful, with great music, a fantastic sermon from Pete, the Dean of Liverpool, and lots of special guests and friends. We watched a video made by Ashley, the curate, who'd filmed people from church, the school and the community, describing St. George's in one word. It makes me cry every time I watch it! I love how often the words 'home', 'family' and 'community' come up. We also read out some of the memories we'd collected from people filling in memory cards over the previous weeks. Afterwards we all went over to the school for lots more cake.
Apart from my ordinations & licensings, this was my very favourite church service ever! It was so joyful, full of fun and life and celebration. It was also one of the most exhausting things I've ever done!
Planning for this occasion over so many years, and then enjoying each of the events as they happened, and especially experiencing the weekend itself, really made me reflect on how important it is to celebrate big life events together as a community. St. George's 200th anniversary really mattered. It mattered to those of us who are currently part of the church, of course. But more than that, it mattered to anyone who ever had been part of it, and who still thought of it fondly. It mattered to anyone who lived in the community and saw it as 'their' church. It mattered to anyone who had ever attended a special service there, whether one of joy or sorrow. It mattered to people of faith and to people of none.
I think, and I hope, that we did St. George's proud as we celebrated. It's exciting to think of what events and occasions might be celebrated there in the future. We looked around at our little ones and wondered whether any of them will be there when the 250th anniversary comes around in 2064.
It's incredible to stand in this stunning church and think about all that's happened here over the years. How many couples married, how many people baptised, how many loved ones bid farewell, how many people finding faith, how many relationships restored, how many prayers prayed, how many sicknesses healed, how many dreams dreamed.
I think this was one of those moments when it was ok to feel a bit proud! :)
Tuesday, 16 September 2014
Being single - the tough bits
Last week I finally got round to blogging after a ridiculously long gap. I talked about one of the things from the last chapter of the book, where I'd asked a big group of my single friends what some of the good and bad bits were about being single. In that last post I looked at the great things, so this time I'm going to look at the not-so-great things.
Like last time, there's a bit of a caveat at the start - this is in no way a conclusive study, just the random thoughts of a random group of my random friends! Some of the things only apply to those who don't have children, or to those who live alone - and obviously not all single people fall into those categories.
That said, it's a pretty interesting list. I agree with some (although not all) of the things on the list, and I'd love to know what you think too.
So here goes...
Some things can feel negative one day and positive another, depending on all sorts of other factors. Some things can be a negative and a positive at almost exactly the same time.
My favourite example of this is from 2012 when I had tickets to the Paralympics in London. On the Thursday, I went together with my lovely friend Nikki. On the Friday, she had to work, but as we'd only seen team sports I decided I'd like to see some athletics so bought myself a ticket and headed off.
The brilliant thing about it was that I could please myself! I made the decision to go, booked the ticket, travelled to the park, and had a great day out. I ate what I wanted to and came and went as I pleased, without having to worry about anyone else. The difficult thing about it was that I had to spend the day all by myself, with no one to share in the experience with me.
I'm really glad that I decided to go. I had a fantastic day and saw some brilliant sport (including one of my heroes, Hannah Cockroft, winning gold!). As an added bonus I even bumped into some friends and got to spend some time with them. I went for it, and I'm glad.
The really funny PS to all that is that sometimes we're ok with our singleness, but others aren't. When I arrived at the stadium, I asked one of the gamesmakers to take my photo. He was utterly horrified that I was there on my own, and insisted on being in the photo with me! I'll post the photo below - he was lovely, but it still makes me chuckle how concerned he was that I was there on my own!
Like last time, there's a bit of a caveat at the start - this is in no way a conclusive study, just the random thoughts of a random group of my random friends! Some of the things only apply to those who don't have children, or to those who live alone - and obviously not all single people fall into those categories.
That said, it's a pretty interesting list. I agree with some (although not all) of the things on the list, and I'd love to know what you think too.
So here goes...
- Becoming selfish and set in your ways
- Becoming too independent (as opposed to interdependent, which is a positive thing)
- Coming home to an empty house
- Feeling lonely
- Not necessarily being as devoted to God as I could be - spending as much time wrestling with being single as my married friends spend with their families!
- No one to care for you if you're ill
- No one with whom to share dreams and decision making
- Eating and drinking alone
- Lack of physical contact and hugs
- No one with whom to have a laugh
- No one to point out and help you to work on your bad habits
- Struggling with practical jobs
- Other people viewing you in a certain way (feeling a 'social failure')
- No one to make you take time off
- Not feeling loved and cherished by anyone
- Cost of living is more
- Having to do all the chores
- Worrying about the future and facing old age alone
- No one with whom to celebrate significant life events (who makes you a birthday cake?!)
- Difficulty arranging holidays
- Not having the viewpoint of someone of the other sex
- For men - society may be wary of them especially around children
- For women - safety issues in the house
- People assume you have lots of free time
- An integrity issue - trying to be the same in public and in private
- Worries about the future - planning for retirement
- Going to places on your own
- Seeing others get married
- Not having children (if that's the case for you)
Some things can feel negative one day and positive another, depending on all sorts of other factors. Some things can be a negative and a positive at almost exactly the same time.
My favourite example of this is from 2012 when I had tickets to the Paralympics in London. On the Thursday, I went together with my lovely friend Nikki. On the Friday, she had to work, but as we'd only seen team sports I decided I'd like to see some athletics so bought myself a ticket and headed off.
The brilliant thing about it was that I could please myself! I made the decision to go, booked the ticket, travelled to the park, and had a great day out. I ate what I wanted to and came and went as I pleased, without having to worry about anyone else. The difficult thing about it was that I had to spend the day all by myself, with no one to share in the experience with me.
I'm really glad that I decided to go. I had a fantastic day and saw some brilliant sport (including one of my heroes, Hannah Cockroft, winning gold!). As an added bonus I even bumped into some friends and got to spend some time with them. I went for it, and I'm glad.
The really funny PS to all that is that sometimes we're ok with our singleness, but others aren't. When I arrived at the stadium, I asked one of the gamesmakers to take my photo. He was utterly horrified that I was there on my own, and insisted on being in the photo with me! I'll post the photo below - he was lovely, but it still makes me chuckle how concerned he was that I was there on my own!
Saturday, 13 September 2014
Being single - the fantastic bits!
Gosh it's been a really long time since I blogged - sorry about that! There was our church Open Day, and then New Wine, and then a week camping with friends, and then church holiday club, and then the back to school thing... it's been a busy summer!
Anyway, I'm blogging again, and I thought I'd do another couple of posts with some snippets from the book. I'd love to know what you think (whether or not you've read it!).
Chapter 7 in the book is entitled 'Happily Ever After'. In large part it's my story - what I believe God is saying to me as I live out this single life. However in it I also explore some of the best and worst bits about being single. I include a list of both, based on the responses I got from my single friends who filled in the questionnaires I sent out.
So, here is a list (in no particular order, as they say) of the things my random group of friends felt were great about being single -
Obviously not all of the things on that list will apply to some people (perhaps especially those who are single but have children) - but I still think it's a great list! It's so important that those of us who are single recognise and acknowledge the great things that we have the opportunity to do that we perhaps wouldn't be able to do if we were married.
Anyway, let me know what you think about the list above - do you agree or disagree? Are there things you'd add to that list? I'll do the slightly more negative list soon...
Anyway, I'm blogging again, and I thought I'd do another couple of posts with some snippets from the book. I'd love to know what you think (whether or not you've read it!).
Chapter 7 in the book is entitled 'Happily Ever After'. In large part it's my story - what I believe God is saying to me as I live out this single life. However in it I also explore some of the best and worst bits about being single. I include a list of both, based on the responses I got from my single friends who filled in the questionnaires I sent out.
So, here is a list (in no particular order, as they say) of the things my random group of friends felt were great about being single -
- Being able to decide on and do things spontaneously
- Having to face up to my own character issues and deal with them
- Having to totally rely on God
- Learning how to do practical jobs
- Having freedom to spend lots of time with God
- Pleasing myself about what I eat and drink!
- Freedom to make my own plans and decisions
- Being able to take on new roles and responsibilities as I choose
- Flexibility about how I use my time
- No one to shout at you if you bump the car!
- Developing self confidence, e.g. being able to go into parties and pubs alone
- Choosing your own style of house and garden decor
- Being able to be generous with money
- Being able to serve and give out more - no one will need you later at home so you can just come in and rest
- Building intimate friendships
- Being able to choose times of solitude
- Lower cost of living
- Being able to be hospitable and keep an open house
- Taking holidays in school time
Obviously not all of the things on that list will apply to some people (perhaps especially those who are single but have children) - but I still think it's a great list! It's so important that those of us who are single recognise and acknowledge the great things that we have the opportunity to do that we perhaps wouldn't be able to do if we were married.
Anyway, let me know what you think about the list above - do you agree or disagree? Are there things you'd add to that list? I'll do the slightly more negative list soon...
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
Sponsored sleep out!
On Sunday evening I slept out on our church tower. As you do. It's not for the faint hearted - 29 m and 108 steps up to the top, a seriously steep and narrow climb. And at the top, a flagpole which turns out to be very noisy all night long, and a series of ridged bits of stone to try to sleep on. What fun. The enthusiastic new curate (who'd been here all of 2 weeks) cheerfully did it with me. She showed her worth by the snacks she brought (cheese and onion crisps and Haribo; she'll go far), but she blotted her copybook somewhat by falling soundly asleep between midnight and 7am, while I was mostly wide awake. My friend kindly suggested it gets harder to sleep as you get older...
We gamely slept on groundsheets and in sleeping bags, but without tents or any covering. It was stunningly beautiful. We saw the sun set over the beautiful city of Liverpool, and then we (or at least I!) saw it rise again the next morning, just before 5am. I took some incredible photos.
Why did we do all this, you ask? Surely not just for the views. Well, no, although they made it all the more amazing. We did it to raise money, and many kind people have sponsored us. To be honest I feel a bit of a fraud. Most people run marathons or climb mountains for sponsorship - all we did was go to sleep for a night (or not), admittedly in a slightly less comfortable place than normal.
The eccentricity of it seems to have captured people's imaginations, though, as I'd hoped that it would - "Vicars sleep on roof to raise money to repair roof" etc. We were featured in the Liverpool Echo and on Radio Merseyside in the days leading up to it. We tweeted all evening and much of the night with the hashtag #RooftopRevs, and gained many new followers.
Overall it was a really fun experience, albeit not one I want to necessarily recreate next week! I was VERY relieved by how kind the weather was to us - the night before the night before there had been significant thunderstorms, and the day before our annual church open day had to be held indoors because of torrential rain. But on the night we slept out it was calm and clear, a bit breezy of course (this is the highest point in Liverpool after all) but pleasant and mild all night, and with the most amazing views of the city that you could possibly hope for.
But I still haven't explained why we actually did it. Well, I'm vicar of St. George's Church in Everton, which has the distinction of being the first church in the world to be built entirely of cast iron. It's absolutely stunning. I spend so long in there that I sometimes forget just how beautiful it is, and the 'wow' factor which is inevitable the first time you walk inside. It's a Grade 1 listed building, and rightly so. This year we're delighted to be celebrating our 200th anniversary.
And yet unfortunately the roof is absolutely stuffed. I believe that to be the technical term... We own A LOT of buckets. On very wet days there's almost as much rain inside the building as outside... (I did at one point suggest to the PCC that instead of embarking upon lengthy and expensive roof repairs we should simply buy everyone in the congregation an umbrella...).
We've finally bitten the bullet and accepted that the roof simply must be fixed. This required a huge intake of breath and a massive amount of faith. In many ways I'd rather not be the vicar who embarked upon this. I don't want it to distract me from the mission of God in Everton. And yet I recognise that in very many ways our building is key to the mission of God in Everton. So this simply must be done, and done now.
We're fortunate that English Heritage have awarded us an 80% grant, for which we're very grateful. We've also been successful in a couple of funding bids. And, as a Listed Place of Worship, we'll be able to reclaim some of the VAT we pay. And yet, even so, as a small congregation in one of the most deprived areas of the country, this is a huge undertaking. We do it in faith, certain that it's right, but we do it with trepidation nonetheless.
And so it came to pass that Ashley and I slept on the roof. We had far more fun than I feel like you're meant to have when trying to raise serious sponsor money. We are incredibly,. profoundly grateful to everyone who has sponsored us so far, and we hope and pray that even more will do so. With website and cash donations, and including Gift Aid, we've just tipped over the £3000 mark. That's awesome! You can sponsor us at www.justgiving.com/stgeorgeseverton. We would appreciate it so very much.
Below is a photo from the night. You can see more if you look up our hashtag. May the beautiful St. George's Everton be a beacon of faith and hope for Everton and beyond for many more years to come...
We gamely slept on groundsheets and in sleeping bags, but without tents or any covering. It was stunningly beautiful. We saw the sun set over the beautiful city of Liverpool, and then we (or at least I!) saw it rise again the next morning, just before 5am. I took some incredible photos.
Why did we do all this, you ask? Surely not just for the views. Well, no, although they made it all the more amazing. We did it to raise money, and many kind people have sponsored us. To be honest I feel a bit of a fraud. Most people run marathons or climb mountains for sponsorship - all we did was go to sleep for a night (or not), admittedly in a slightly less comfortable place than normal.
The eccentricity of it seems to have captured people's imaginations, though, as I'd hoped that it would - "Vicars sleep on roof to raise money to repair roof" etc. We were featured in the Liverpool Echo and on Radio Merseyside in the days leading up to it. We tweeted all evening and much of the night with the hashtag #RooftopRevs, and gained many new followers.
Overall it was a really fun experience, albeit not one I want to necessarily recreate next week! I was VERY relieved by how kind the weather was to us - the night before the night before there had been significant thunderstorms, and the day before our annual church open day had to be held indoors because of torrential rain. But on the night we slept out it was calm and clear, a bit breezy of course (this is the highest point in Liverpool after all) but pleasant and mild all night, and with the most amazing views of the city that you could possibly hope for.
But I still haven't explained why we actually did it. Well, I'm vicar of St. George's Church in Everton, which has the distinction of being the first church in the world to be built entirely of cast iron. It's absolutely stunning. I spend so long in there that I sometimes forget just how beautiful it is, and the 'wow' factor which is inevitable the first time you walk inside. It's a Grade 1 listed building, and rightly so. This year we're delighted to be celebrating our 200th anniversary.
And yet unfortunately the roof is absolutely stuffed. I believe that to be the technical term... We own A LOT of buckets. On very wet days there's almost as much rain inside the building as outside... (I did at one point suggest to the PCC that instead of embarking upon lengthy and expensive roof repairs we should simply buy everyone in the congregation an umbrella...).
We've finally bitten the bullet and accepted that the roof simply must be fixed. This required a huge intake of breath and a massive amount of faith. In many ways I'd rather not be the vicar who embarked upon this. I don't want it to distract me from the mission of God in Everton. And yet I recognise that in very many ways our building is key to the mission of God in Everton. So this simply must be done, and done now.
We're fortunate that English Heritage have awarded us an 80% grant, for which we're very grateful. We've also been successful in a couple of funding bids. And, as a Listed Place of Worship, we'll be able to reclaim some of the VAT we pay. And yet, even so, as a small congregation in one of the most deprived areas of the country, this is a huge undertaking. We do it in faith, certain that it's right, but we do it with trepidation nonetheless.
And so it came to pass that Ashley and I slept on the roof. We had far more fun than I feel like you're meant to have when trying to raise serious sponsor money. We are incredibly,. profoundly grateful to everyone who has sponsored us so far, and we hope and pray that even more will do so. With website and cash donations, and including Gift Aid, we've just tipped over the £3000 mark. That's awesome! You can sponsor us at www.justgiving.com/stgeorgeseverton. We would appreciate it so very much.
Below is a photo from the night. You can see more if you look up our hashtag. May the beautiful St. George's Everton be a beacon of faith and hope for Everton and beyond for many more years to come...
Friday, 18 July 2014
Book Review - Acts and Omissions by Catherine Fox
I guess I need to say right at the start of this blog that I absolutely LOVE this book! This isn't going to be one of those cryptic book reviews where you don't know until the last sentence whether the reviewer loved or hated the book. I think this is a fantastic book - not to everyone's tastes, I imagine, but then what book is?
I also probably need to say, in the interests of transparency, that Catherine Fox is a friend. Given how funny and witty and naughty she is in real life, it's no surprise that her books are all of those things too. However, wonderful, loyal friend as I of course am, I'm not so nice that I would write a glowing review of a book I didn't like. (And anyway, I've been a fan of her writing for longer than I've been her friend!).
I think as a reader that one of the things you most want from a novel is characters who you really care about. Acts and Omissions delivers many such characters. They're a joy, every one of them, with their eccentricities and egos, their humour and humanity, their foibles and frailties. Matt, Freddie, Wendy, Jane, Paul, Bob, Susanna, Martin, Dominic... these people have become totally real to me! I'm not sure I can think of many other novels I've read where I have genuinely cared this much about what happens to the characters!
The way in which the book was first written probably helped to create this level of character-empathy. Catherine blogged a chapter a week for a whole year, meaning the reader was often left with a dramatic cliffhanger, and there was nothing to be done except wait a week to see what would happen next.
For me the genius of this book (and all of Catherine's writing) is the way she brings up big, important issues in an easy, light-hearted way, that means you suddenly move from chuckling about something daft that one of the characters has said or done, to finding yourself thwacked between the eyes by something incredibly moving and profound.
I have spent the whole of my life worshipping within the Church of England, and the past 9 years working within it. I have a massive amount of affection for it, but am also very well aware of its peculiarities! I love that this book pokes gentle fun at the CofE, challenges it where it deserves to be challenged, but does so at all times with genuine warmth and fondness, and never with negativity and criticism.
This book is also far from afraid to tackle the Big Issues. It does so cleverly, because first of all it has made you genuinely love and care about the people involved. This means that you can't just dismiss the things you don't like - which is what, in real life, it's all too easy to do.
There are lots of moments in this book where I've wished that one of the characters hadn't done the thing they've just done. There were times on a Sunday night as I read the blog when I yelled "noooooooo" at the computer. I disagree, morally and theologically, with some of the things which happen in the book. It would be pretty surprising if I didn't, really - that's novels, and indeed human life, for you. There were lots of moments when I wished that a different choice had been made, or a different outcome reached. That doesn't mean, however, that I can't enjoy and appreciate the book for what it is.
The brilliant thing that it does is that it forces you to consider these issues as they affect 'real people' (please don't tell me they aren't real!!) who you've grown to love and care for. In church life it's all too easy to retreat behind our theological labels, and to stay within groups of people who think the same way as we do, and to assume that we know what 'we' and what 'they' think and believe. This book doesn't allow us to do that - it challenges us in ways which can only be helpful. Not all angles and beliefs are equally represented, however, and there's a definite liberal bias in the theology of most of the main characters that is different from my own theology, and therefore presented me with a not-always-comfortable challenge. I might also have liked one or two more 'single, whole and content' characters (trust me to say that!), but then they probably don't make for such interesting stories...
In many ways the book is 'about' the homosexuality/equal marriage debate which is so topical in the CofE at the moment, but it's also about more than that. It's about how huge institutions care for (or don't!) the people who work for them. It's about love and relationships and how frail and fragile they are, but how worth fighting for. It's about the Christian journey, and the ups and downs of an ordinary bunch of people trying to walk it. It's about grace and forgiveness and joy and life and laughter. It is not, however, for the faint-hearted or the easily offended...!
Even though I'd read the book faithfully each week as it was blogged, I still couldn't wait to read it again when it was published. I read much of it in one go on the train home from London and I laughed and cried for most of the journey!
This is a fabulous book, incredibly well written and achingly funny. Read it quickly (it's just out, published by SPCK), and then go to www.unseenthingsabove.blogspot.co.uk to start reading the sequel, also being blogged a chapter a week.
I also probably need to say, in the interests of transparency, that Catherine Fox is a friend. Given how funny and witty and naughty she is in real life, it's no surprise that her books are all of those things too. However, wonderful, loyal friend as I of course am, I'm not so nice that I would write a glowing review of a book I didn't like. (And anyway, I've been a fan of her writing for longer than I've been her friend!).
I think as a reader that one of the things you most want from a novel is characters who you really care about. Acts and Omissions delivers many such characters. They're a joy, every one of them, with their eccentricities and egos, their humour and humanity, their foibles and frailties. Matt, Freddie, Wendy, Jane, Paul, Bob, Susanna, Martin, Dominic... these people have become totally real to me! I'm not sure I can think of many other novels I've read where I have genuinely cared this much about what happens to the characters!
The way in which the book was first written probably helped to create this level of character-empathy. Catherine blogged a chapter a week for a whole year, meaning the reader was often left with a dramatic cliffhanger, and there was nothing to be done except wait a week to see what would happen next.
For me the genius of this book (and all of Catherine's writing) is the way she brings up big, important issues in an easy, light-hearted way, that means you suddenly move from chuckling about something daft that one of the characters has said or done, to finding yourself thwacked between the eyes by something incredibly moving and profound.
I have spent the whole of my life worshipping within the Church of England, and the past 9 years working within it. I have a massive amount of affection for it, but am also very well aware of its peculiarities! I love that this book pokes gentle fun at the CofE, challenges it where it deserves to be challenged, but does so at all times with genuine warmth and fondness, and never with negativity and criticism.
This book is also far from afraid to tackle the Big Issues. It does so cleverly, because first of all it has made you genuinely love and care about the people involved. This means that you can't just dismiss the things you don't like - which is what, in real life, it's all too easy to do.
There are lots of moments in this book where I've wished that one of the characters hadn't done the thing they've just done. There were times on a Sunday night as I read the blog when I yelled "noooooooo" at the computer. I disagree, morally and theologically, with some of the things which happen in the book. It would be pretty surprising if I didn't, really - that's novels, and indeed human life, for you. There were lots of moments when I wished that a different choice had been made, or a different outcome reached. That doesn't mean, however, that I can't enjoy and appreciate the book for what it is.
The brilliant thing that it does is that it forces you to consider these issues as they affect 'real people' (please don't tell me they aren't real!!) who you've grown to love and care for. In church life it's all too easy to retreat behind our theological labels, and to stay within groups of people who think the same way as we do, and to assume that we know what 'we' and what 'they' think and believe. This book doesn't allow us to do that - it challenges us in ways which can only be helpful. Not all angles and beliefs are equally represented, however, and there's a definite liberal bias in the theology of most of the main characters that is different from my own theology, and therefore presented me with a not-always-comfortable challenge. I might also have liked one or two more 'single, whole and content' characters (trust me to say that!), but then they probably don't make for such interesting stories...
In many ways the book is 'about' the homosexuality/equal marriage debate which is so topical in the CofE at the moment, but it's also about more than that. It's about how huge institutions care for (or don't!) the people who work for them. It's about love and relationships and how frail and fragile they are, but how worth fighting for. It's about the Christian journey, and the ups and downs of an ordinary bunch of people trying to walk it. It's about grace and forgiveness and joy and life and laughter. It is not, however, for the faint-hearted or the easily offended...!
Even though I'd read the book faithfully each week as it was blogged, I still couldn't wait to read it again when it was published. I read much of it in one go on the train home from London and I laughed and cried for most of the journey!
This is a fabulous book, incredibly well written and achingly funny. Read it quickly (it's just out, published by SPCK), and then go to www.unseenthingsabove.blogspot.co.uk to start reading the sequel, also being blogged a chapter a week.
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
The single issues(s)
(With apologies to Al Hsu for the corruption of his book title!). But actually I really recommend the book (alongside my own of course!) - The Single Issue, by Al Hsu, published by Monarch.
So, what are some of the issues which face single people? When I was writing the book I came up with a list of things. It's in no way a scientific or even a representative list - I just sat and pondered for a bit and came up with these 7 things. They may more accurately reflect me and my issues than they do anyone else's! But certainly whenever I've spoken on this topic there have been enough heads nodding to make to me think I'm not completely off in my own world on this.
One of the fun things about writing the book was that I asked lots of my single friends to fill in questionnaires, and many generously did so. Their stories appear throughout the book. They also gave some useful data and information.
So I thought I'd unpack below the 7 issues I identified, and why I think they are (or can be) issues for single people.
The one which came out top of the list, as being a significant issue for 54% of people, was 'lack of touch'. This is interesting because it wouldn't be the top of my list, and it's hardly ever what people guess as top of the list when I ask them. But it clearly is something which some people struggle with - perhaps particularly if 'physical touch' is one of their Love Languages (see http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ if you don't know what they are!).
I can see why this is an issue for so many single people. If you live alone, as many single people do (or even if you don't), then you may really miss having someone around to 'touch'. This isn't particularly even about sexual or romantic touch - but simply the lack of a hug, a touch on the shoulder, a pat on the arm - those normal human interactions which remind us that we're alive, and not alone in the world. Depending on how we spend our time, we might go several days without any touch from another person, and this can't be good for our wellbeing. Clearly some people value touch much more than others, but for all of us there are times when we just long for another person to show us they care, and they are there, in some physical way.
I think the church has a huge opportunity here to help when people are struggling with this. We can be in the ministry of hugs! (Go easy though - some people would run screaming from the building, never to return, if greeted in church with a barrage of hugs!). But let's be aware of one another's needs, and get touchy - in a good way!
Second on the list, and an issue for 44% of people, was holidays. This is an interesting one. It's perhaps the one that's hardest for married people to understand. And maybe, if you're part of a big family which holidays together, or you have a strong group of friends that always go away together, this won't be an issue for you as a single person either. But for lots of single people this is a biggie! I know it is for me.
I've had some great holidays with some great friends, but it's always a big source of stress. Holidays are massively important to me, I love to travel and I love to do exciting things on holiday. But planning and organising holidays by myself is hard. I have to decide whether to go alone, or with some sort of group, or with friends. If on my own, I have to bite the bullet and be very brave, If with a group I have to take a risk that it'll work out (btw I can recommend Imaginative Traveller - independent group holiday firm; I've had some great trips with them). If with friends I have to pluck up the courage to ask, we have to sync dates, decide on a destination we both want to go to, and hope we'll still be friends by the end!
There are places that I haven't been to, and holidays I haven't been on, because I don't want to do them on my own (although there are also places I have been on my own and had an amazing time!). [I'm deliberately setting out some of the negative issues here - I realise as someone without children I also have a huge amount of flexibility regarding holidays, which I'm very grateful for].
The third issue, which 39% of people identified with, is not having someone around to talk to and share with. [Again the caveat here - we're not wearing rose tinted glasses. We understand that there are issues in marriages too and there isn't always lovely harmonious conversation at the end of each day! But we're simply describing something we 'miss'].
This is a big one for me, being such an extrovert. I find it really hard to process things, make decisions, plan, reflect etc without having someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I think about something until I've talked about it! It's hard to get in after a long or difficult meeting and not be able to offload; or to have a talk to prepare and no one to go over it with; or a big decision to make and no one to weigh up the pros and cons with, or an amazing thing that's happened and no one to share it with. I have fabulous (patient, long suffering...) friends who allow me to download my brain for hours on the phone or in person, and that's great, but it's rarely 'in the moment', so I often have to store things up till I see them (or risk inappropriate sharing with the next random stranger I see...).
My need to share/talk/process is why I love social media so much (and, lately, blogging). It enables me to share something as it's happening and get feedback and comments. I know some people think it's inane to post about the mundane stuff of life but it really helps me to feel less isolated. So yay to all my Facebook friends and Twitter followers!
The fourth issue, which came in at 32% was loneliness. This is usually the one which people I'm speaking to guess will have been top! I don't know why it wasn't as almost all single people do identify it as an issue for them at least some of the time. I've blogged about it elsewhere so won't say much more - but just that I think this is another area where the church can massively help out. We really need to do better at the whole community thing - being there for people at significant life moments, helping out with household stuff, chilling out with people without any big agenda - basically just doing life together. In some places this is happening so beautifully. I really think it could be hugely significant to us reaching the 18-30s generation as it's a big issue for so many of them. So come on church - step up!
The fifth issue was sex (that is, not having it!) with 24%. I'm going to post more about this another time (you may or may not be pleased to know!!). Perhaps inevitably this is the issue that most people find it the hardest to talk about so it's hard to know exactly people's thoughts/difficulties. I wonder whether it's harder for those who have been in sexual relationships in the past and now are not? But maybe not? It's definitely a tricky one...! But we need to be better at speaking out about it, because being all coy on the matter doesn't help anyone! Look out for a future blog... (you have been warned!).
Sixth was childlessness (17%), and I think the reason this and the next came lower down the list is that they're not necessarily issues for everyone - clearly some single people do have children. (Clearly also, some don't, but don't want to). However, for those who don't have children but wish they did, this can be an incredibly painful thing. I blogged about my own perspective on this just after Mothering Sunday so I won't say much more...
And finally, seventh was living alone, with just 10% of people identifying this is a big issue (as I say, this may in part be because it didn't apply to everyone). I have to say I really quite like living alone, in spite of the issues it sometimes raises of loneliness, and not having someone to talk to. I like pleasing myself as to what I eat and when, what I watch on TV, when I go to bed and get up, how I decorate, etc. (Although I do sometimes wish there was someone else there to make a cup of tea or unload the dishwasher!). I also realise I have no one else to blame when the place is an absolute hovel, which is 90% of the time...
So there we are. A very random meander through some issues which are relevant to some single people. They appear in more detail in Chapter 1 'Wholly Single'. I'd love to know what you think...
And here's a recent 'holiday with a great friend' photo - definitely more fun to go cava-tasting with someone else...!
So, what are some of the issues which face single people? When I was writing the book I came up with a list of things. It's in no way a scientific or even a representative list - I just sat and pondered for a bit and came up with these 7 things. They may more accurately reflect me and my issues than they do anyone else's! But certainly whenever I've spoken on this topic there have been enough heads nodding to make to me think I'm not completely off in my own world on this.
One of the fun things about writing the book was that I asked lots of my single friends to fill in questionnaires, and many generously did so. Their stories appear throughout the book. They also gave some useful data and information.
So I thought I'd unpack below the 7 issues I identified, and why I think they are (or can be) issues for single people.
The one which came out top of the list, as being a significant issue for 54% of people, was 'lack of touch'. This is interesting because it wouldn't be the top of my list, and it's hardly ever what people guess as top of the list when I ask them. But it clearly is something which some people struggle with - perhaps particularly if 'physical touch' is one of their Love Languages (see http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ if you don't know what they are!).
I can see why this is an issue for so many single people. If you live alone, as many single people do (or even if you don't), then you may really miss having someone around to 'touch'. This isn't particularly even about sexual or romantic touch - but simply the lack of a hug, a touch on the shoulder, a pat on the arm - those normal human interactions which remind us that we're alive, and not alone in the world. Depending on how we spend our time, we might go several days without any touch from another person, and this can't be good for our wellbeing. Clearly some people value touch much more than others, but for all of us there are times when we just long for another person to show us they care, and they are there, in some physical way.
I think the church has a huge opportunity here to help when people are struggling with this. We can be in the ministry of hugs! (Go easy though - some people would run screaming from the building, never to return, if greeted in church with a barrage of hugs!). But let's be aware of one another's needs, and get touchy - in a good way!
Second on the list, and an issue for 44% of people, was holidays. This is an interesting one. It's perhaps the one that's hardest for married people to understand. And maybe, if you're part of a big family which holidays together, or you have a strong group of friends that always go away together, this won't be an issue for you as a single person either. But for lots of single people this is a biggie! I know it is for me.
I've had some great holidays with some great friends, but it's always a big source of stress. Holidays are massively important to me, I love to travel and I love to do exciting things on holiday. But planning and organising holidays by myself is hard. I have to decide whether to go alone, or with some sort of group, or with friends. If on my own, I have to bite the bullet and be very brave, If with a group I have to take a risk that it'll work out (btw I can recommend Imaginative Traveller - independent group holiday firm; I've had some great trips with them). If with friends I have to pluck up the courage to ask, we have to sync dates, decide on a destination we both want to go to, and hope we'll still be friends by the end!
There are places that I haven't been to, and holidays I haven't been on, because I don't want to do them on my own (although there are also places I have been on my own and had an amazing time!). [I'm deliberately setting out some of the negative issues here - I realise as someone without children I also have a huge amount of flexibility regarding holidays, which I'm very grateful for].
The third issue, which 39% of people identified with, is not having someone around to talk to and share with. [Again the caveat here - we're not wearing rose tinted glasses. We understand that there are issues in marriages too and there isn't always lovely harmonious conversation at the end of each day! But we're simply describing something we 'miss'].
This is a big one for me, being such an extrovert. I find it really hard to process things, make decisions, plan, reflect etc without having someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I think about something until I've talked about it! It's hard to get in after a long or difficult meeting and not be able to offload; or to have a talk to prepare and no one to go over it with; or a big decision to make and no one to weigh up the pros and cons with, or an amazing thing that's happened and no one to share it with. I have fabulous (patient, long suffering...) friends who allow me to download my brain for hours on the phone or in person, and that's great, but it's rarely 'in the moment', so I often have to store things up till I see them (or risk inappropriate sharing with the next random stranger I see...).
My need to share/talk/process is why I love social media so much (and, lately, blogging). It enables me to share something as it's happening and get feedback and comments. I know some people think it's inane to post about the mundane stuff of life but it really helps me to feel less isolated. So yay to all my Facebook friends and Twitter followers!
The fourth issue, which came in at 32% was loneliness. This is usually the one which people I'm speaking to guess will have been top! I don't know why it wasn't as almost all single people do identify it as an issue for them at least some of the time. I've blogged about it elsewhere so won't say much more - but just that I think this is another area where the church can massively help out. We really need to do better at the whole community thing - being there for people at significant life moments, helping out with household stuff, chilling out with people without any big agenda - basically just doing life together. In some places this is happening so beautifully. I really think it could be hugely significant to us reaching the 18-30s generation as it's a big issue for so many of them. So come on church - step up!
The fifth issue was sex (that is, not having it!) with 24%. I'm going to post more about this another time (you may or may not be pleased to know!!). Perhaps inevitably this is the issue that most people find it the hardest to talk about so it's hard to know exactly people's thoughts/difficulties. I wonder whether it's harder for those who have been in sexual relationships in the past and now are not? But maybe not? It's definitely a tricky one...! But we need to be better at speaking out about it, because being all coy on the matter doesn't help anyone! Look out for a future blog... (you have been warned!).
Sixth was childlessness (17%), and I think the reason this and the next came lower down the list is that they're not necessarily issues for everyone - clearly some single people do have children. (Clearly also, some don't, but don't want to). However, for those who don't have children but wish they did, this can be an incredibly painful thing. I blogged about my own perspective on this just after Mothering Sunday so I won't say much more...
And finally, seventh was living alone, with just 10% of people identifying this is a big issue (as I say, this may in part be because it didn't apply to everyone). I have to say I really quite like living alone, in spite of the issues it sometimes raises of loneliness, and not having someone to talk to. I like pleasing myself as to what I eat and when, what I watch on TV, when I go to bed and get up, how I decorate, etc. (Although I do sometimes wish there was someone else there to make a cup of tea or unload the dishwasher!). I also realise I have no one else to blame when the place is an absolute hovel, which is 90% of the time...
So there we are. A very random meander through some issues which are relevant to some single people. They appear in more detail in Chapter 1 'Wholly Single'. I'd love to know what you think...
And here's a recent 'holiday with a great friend' photo - definitely more fun to go cava-tasting with someone else...!
Tuesday, 1 April 2014
Some thoughts about mothering... and daffodils...
Hmm. Even as I begin this post it's with some trepidation. Is it a good idea to explore the area of mothering, two days after Mothering Sunday (which is of course what has prompted these reflections?) Will I offend or upset someone? Will I get myself in a tizz? Well, I hope not, but there are so many thoughts flying around my head that I really need to just get them out there!
Before the serious stuff begins though, I have to confess that the reason I've used the word 'mothering' in the title and in the first paragraph is because I'm still not 100% sure where the apostrophe is meant to go in 'Mothers Day'. The pedant in me (which is really just all of me) wants to put it after the 's' of course - surely it's a day for all mothers, not just one? But many websites inform me that it should be before the 's' as the idea is that, for each individual, it really is a day just for their own mother. But is that just in America? I have no idea. I shall stick with Mothering Sunday!
And before I really let rip with my musings, a caveat is required. I've blogged before (http://katewharton.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/probably-my-least-favourite-phrase-in.html) about how I can't stand the phrase "I know exactly how you feel" and yet there's a risk in what I'm writing today that some people will think I'm saying just that. I assure you that I'm not. I'm simply sharing how this issue feels for me, at this moment. I'm about to turn 36, I'm single, and likely to stay that way, and I don't have kids. I'm going to say a bit about how that feels for me. I obviously have no idea how it feels for any other single person.
I also very clearly have no idea how this issue feels for people who are married but for whatever reason can't or don't have children. I have some good friends in that position and I weep for some of the terrible things that 'well meaning' people have said to them. I have no idea what it must feel like to be them.
So, all scenes set and all caveats laid out, here goes...
When I was a little girl, I was quite certain that when I grew up I would get married and have children. It was just obvious - why wouldn't I? I had no concept that for some people this just wasn't the way life worked out. I was an only child and I'd always longed for a sister - I pestered my poor parents to death about it! I was very clear that I wanted to have 3 daughters, and at any given point I could have told you what their names would be (though they often changed!).
Anyway, time passed, and I didn't get married, and I didn't have children. And now I'm nearly 36. Which, while not yet 'too late', is nevertheless close enough to focus the mind somewhat. And anyway over the last few years a lot of things have changed for me in terms of how I think about my own singleness, and some of the choices I've made for the future (you can read more about that in Chapter 7 of Single Minded). Suffice it to say though, that in as much as I can be sure of anything, I don't think I will get married, and I don't think I will have children.
When I tell people that (actually it's generally when I tell other single people) they say something along the lines of "oh aren't you lucky that God has taken away your desire to get married and have children". Now I have to tell you that he hasn't done anything of the sort! For all sorts of reasons, that I won't go into in this post, I think that's where I currently am. But it doesn't mean that I don't sometimes wish things might have been different, and wonder what my life might have been like if it had worked out the way I expected it to when I was a little girl.
I love children - I mean I really am completely daft about them. I love cooing over tiny babies, and munching and scrunching their chubby little cheeks. I love playing silly games and doing silly dances with toddlers. I love the wonderful conversations you can have with little kids - one minute totally serious, the next fabulously daft, the next utterly surreal. I love the way kids look at the world, full of wonder and joy and exuberance. I love how much things matter to them. I love how independent and feisty and funny and playful and boisterous they can be. Not everyone does love kids. Even some people who have kids only love their own, not other people's!
I'm good with kids, too, really good. I get them, I can talk to them, I can play with them, and they like me. Not everyone's good with kids, and certainly not all vicars - that much was obvious at college! I love toddler groups and school assemblies and kids' church. I love messy crafts and sing songs and story time.
I love my friends' kids. I have 3 Godchildren and being part of their lives (and their siblings') is one of the greatest joys and privileges of my life. I love watching them grow up. I love spending time with them. I love putting them to bed and reading stories and playing games and doing the school pick up and wiping away tears and changing nappies and having hugs. I love being given hand made cards and pictures and letters.
I also love spending time with other friends' kids who are older, and who (hopefully!) see me as a friendly-and-wise-but-non-parental adult they can talk to.
Sometimes, spending so much time around kids, and knowing I won't have my own, really, really hurts. And it's getting harder. (It's probably hormones - goodness knows what will happen when I turn 40!). Sometimes it seems as though it actually, physically hurts. I can be reduced to tears by something cute a child says, or by a hug. "I love you Aunty Kate" gets me every time, obviously! The other day I burst into tears in the supermarket watching a wide eyed little boy choose a toy with his pocket money. It was the sense of excitement mixed with concentration, the choice of that toy being the most important thing in the world to him at that moment...
So I'm an emotional wreck sometimes (if you know me well you're now saying "tell us something we don't know"!), but there are good moments too. What joy I have knowing so many amazing small people, and being part of their lives. What a privilege to know that I will always be a part of their lives. (I don't have siblings, so no nieces and nephews - so I tell my Godchildren they'll have to care for me in my dotage as well as their parents!).
Don't worry though, I'm not always an emotional wreck - sometimes it's just lots of fun, and then I go home and leave their parents to do the messy, boring stuff. I'm not stupid!!
It might be less painful if I engaged less with kids. Maybe that's what some people choose to do. If I didn't babysit, or join family teatimes and bathtimes, or help with the toddler group. Maybe then I'd be reminded less often of what I don't have. But I don't want to do that, because then I'd miss out on so much. I think maybe the kids would miss out too.
Mothering Sunday can be a tough day for lots of people for lots of reasons, I know that. I'm well aware that what I'm describing here is only one of those reasons. In my church we don't give out daffodils to mums on Mothering Sunday. Instead we do 'something' else - maybe we give everyone chocolates, or we all make something, or there are flowers, but they're for everyone to take if they want them. We try to affirm mums but to be sensitive to anyone who's finding it tough. I know lots of places do the daffodil thing really well but I've never quite got over one year (in a different church) when all the kids had given daffodils to their mums, and sat back down. One mum looked over at me, poked her daughter, and said in a stage whisper "get some for Kate, she hasn't got anyone to give her any." I could have wept, though of course I accepted them with thanks.
Maybe you think I was being unreasonable or over sensitive. Actually I don't mind at all if all the mums get given daffodils, or if all the women get daffodils. And I do love getting flowers! But I don't want pity daffodils, "oh dear she's all sad and alone we'd better give her some" daffodils. I'm sure lots of people feel differently, but there we are.
So that's what I've been reflecting on this Mothering Sunday. I'm so, so glad I get to 'mother' in a small way, as a Godmother. I pray for myself, that I'll stay soft-hearted around kids (even if it means I cry a lot!). I pray for others for whom this is tough. I thank God for the joy of small people. I thank Jesus that he understands. I might go and buy myself some daffodils...
Here's a picture one of my lovely Goddaughters drew of me. What's not to love?!
Before the serious stuff begins though, I have to confess that the reason I've used the word 'mothering' in the title and in the first paragraph is because I'm still not 100% sure where the apostrophe is meant to go in 'Mothers Day'. The pedant in me (which is really just all of me) wants to put it after the 's' of course - surely it's a day for all mothers, not just one? But many websites inform me that it should be before the 's' as the idea is that, for each individual, it really is a day just for their own mother. But is that just in America? I have no idea. I shall stick with Mothering Sunday!
And before I really let rip with my musings, a caveat is required. I've blogged before (http://katewharton.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/probably-my-least-favourite-phrase-in.html) about how I can't stand the phrase "I know exactly how you feel" and yet there's a risk in what I'm writing today that some people will think I'm saying just that. I assure you that I'm not. I'm simply sharing how this issue feels for me, at this moment. I'm about to turn 36, I'm single, and likely to stay that way, and I don't have kids. I'm going to say a bit about how that feels for me. I obviously have no idea how it feels for any other single person.
I also very clearly have no idea how this issue feels for people who are married but for whatever reason can't or don't have children. I have some good friends in that position and I weep for some of the terrible things that 'well meaning' people have said to them. I have no idea what it must feel like to be them.
So, all scenes set and all caveats laid out, here goes...
When I was a little girl, I was quite certain that when I grew up I would get married and have children. It was just obvious - why wouldn't I? I had no concept that for some people this just wasn't the way life worked out. I was an only child and I'd always longed for a sister - I pestered my poor parents to death about it! I was very clear that I wanted to have 3 daughters, and at any given point I could have told you what their names would be (though they often changed!).
Anyway, time passed, and I didn't get married, and I didn't have children. And now I'm nearly 36. Which, while not yet 'too late', is nevertheless close enough to focus the mind somewhat. And anyway over the last few years a lot of things have changed for me in terms of how I think about my own singleness, and some of the choices I've made for the future (you can read more about that in Chapter 7 of Single Minded). Suffice it to say though, that in as much as I can be sure of anything, I don't think I will get married, and I don't think I will have children.
When I tell people that (actually it's generally when I tell other single people) they say something along the lines of "oh aren't you lucky that God has taken away your desire to get married and have children". Now I have to tell you that he hasn't done anything of the sort! For all sorts of reasons, that I won't go into in this post, I think that's where I currently am. But it doesn't mean that I don't sometimes wish things might have been different, and wonder what my life might have been like if it had worked out the way I expected it to when I was a little girl.
I love children - I mean I really am completely daft about them. I love cooing over tiny babies, and munching and scrunching their chubby little cheeks. I love playing silly games and doing silly dances with toddlers. I love the wonderful conversations you can have with little kids - one minute totally serious, the next fabulously daft, the next utterly surreal. I love the way kids look at the world, full of wonder and joy and exuberance. I love how much things matter to them. I love how independent and feisty and funny and playful and boisterous they can be. Not everyone does love kids. Even some people who have kids only love their own, not other people's!
I'm good with kids, too, really good. I get them, I can talk to them, I can play with them, and they like me. Not everyone's good with kids, and certainly not all vicars - that much was obvious at college! I love toddler groups and school assemblies and kids' church. I love messy crafts and sing songs and story time.
I love my friends' kids. I have 3 Godchildren and being part of their lives (and their siblings') is one of the greatest joys and privileges of my life. I love watching them grow up. I love spending time with them. I love putting them to bed and reading stories and playing games and doing the school pick up and wiping away tears and changing nappies and having hugs. I love being given hand made cards and pictures and letters.
I also love spending time with other friends' kids who are older, and who (hopefully!) see me as a friendly-and-wise-but-non-parental adult they can talk to.
Sometimes, spending so much time around kids, and knowing I won't have my own, really, really hurts. And it's getting harder. (It's probably hormones - goodness knows what will happen when I turn 40!). Sometimes it seems as though it actually, physically hurts. I can be reduced to tears by something cute a child says, or by a hug. "I love you Aunty Kate" gets me every time, obviously! The other day I burst into tears in the supermarket watching a wide eyed little boy choose a toy with his pocket money. It was the sense of excitement mixed with concentration, the choice of that toy being the most important thing in the world to him at that moment...
So I'm an emotional wreck sometimes (if you know me well you're now saying "tell us something we don't know"!), but there are good moments too. What joy I have knowing so many amazing small people, and being part of their lives. What a privilege to know that I will always be a part of their lives. (I don't have siblings, so no nieces and nephews - so I tell my Godchildren they'll have to care for me in my dotage as well as their parents!).
Don't worry though, I'm not always an emotional wreck - sometimes it's just lots of fun, and then I go home and leave their parents to do the messy, boring stuff. I'm not stupid!!
It might be less painful if I engaged less with kids. Maybe that's what some people choose to do. If I didn't babysit, or join family teatimes and bathtimes, or help with the toddler group. Maybe then I'd be reminded less often of what I don't have. But I don't want to do that, because then I'd miss out on so much. I think maybe the kids would miss out too.
Mothering Sunday can be a tough day for lots of people for lots of reasons, I know that. I'm well aware that what I'm describing here is only one of those reasons. In my church we don't give out daffodils to mums on Mothering Sunday. Instead we do 'something' else - maybe we give everyone chocolates, or we all make something, or there are flowers, but they're for everyone to take if they want them. We try to affirm mums but to be sensitive to anyone who's finding it tough. I know lots of places do the daffodil thing really well but I've never quite got over one year (in a different church) when all the kids had given daffodils to their mums, and sat back down. One mum looked over at me, poked her daughter, and said in a stage whisper "get some for Kate, she hasn't got anyone to give her any." I could have wept, though of course I accepted them with thanks.
Maybe you think I was being unreasonable or over sensitive. Actually I don't mind at all if all the mums get given daffodils, or if all the women get daffodils. And I do love getting flowers! But I don't want pity daffodils, "oh dear she's all sad and alone we'd better give her some" daffodils. I'm sure lots of people feel differently, but there we are.
So that's what I've been reflecting on this Mothering Sunday. I'm so, so glad I get to 'mother' in a small way, as a Godmother. I pray for myself, that I'll stay soft-hearted around kids (even if it means I cry a lot!). I pray for others for whom this is tough. I thank God for the joy of small people. I thank Jesus that he understands. I might go and buy myself some daffodils...
Here's a picture one of my lovely Goddaughters drew of me. What's not to love?!
Thursday, 27 March 2014
... and when they don't work quite so well...
Earlier in the week I blogged a little excerpt from my book 'Single Minded' about the ways in which friendships between single and married people can work really well, and bless all parties involved. The list was based on questionnaire responses from all the single people that were kind enough to share their thoughts with me as I wrote the book.
Today I want to share the flip side of that list - some of their thoughts as to when things don't work so well, and some of the things which their lovely married friends might (entirely unwittingly I'm sure!) do or say which might be less well received... The lists don't claim to speak for all people, of course - that would be impossible. If you're single there will be some things that you'll instantly recognise and empathise with and others that you'll totally disagree with - feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.
I hope the lists are helpful. They're not meant to be rude or arrogant or complaining, but simply observations and sharing some thoughts. Hopefully we can all learn a bit more about how to get on with each other, and love and support one another, as a result.
Don't feel too got at if you're married - the next blog post will be your thoughts (or at least the thoughts of those of you I asked to share with me as I was writing!).
So, here goes -
Today I want to share the flip side of that list - some of their thoughts as to when things don't work so well, and some of the things which their lovely married friends might (entirely unwittingly I'm sure!) do or say which might be less well received... The lists don't claim to speak for all people, of course - that would be impossible. If you're single there will be some things that you'll instantly recognise and empathise with and others that you'll totally disagree with - feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.
I hope the lists are helpful. They're not meant to be rude or arrogant or complaining, but simply observations and sharing some thoughts. Hopefully we can all learn a bit more about how to get on with each other, and love and support one another, as a result.
Don't feel too got at if you're married - the next blog post will be your thoughts (or at least the thoughts of those of you I asked to share with me as I was writing!).
So, here goes -
- When they try to matchmake me without my permission.
- When they act as a couple in ways which feel excluding and uncomfortable (this may be overt shows of affection, or it may be having big arguments).
- When they don't really understand what my life is like.
- When I have to always fit in round them, and whenever we meet it has to be on their terms.
- When they use me as a babysitting service.
- When they only invite me round at certain times but save the 'special times' like Saturday nights for their married friends.
- When they talk non-stop about their children.
- When they moan about their children without realising that I would love to have what they have.
- When friends who have been very close while they were single disappear when they get married and don't keep in touch.
- When they assume that because I don't have children I don't want to be included in their family events.
- When they assume that I am self-sufficient and capable all of the time and don't need any help or support.
- When they ditch me during times of stress in their lives because they turn instead to their family (understandably), and I feel shut out.
- When they don't ever invite me to join them for holidays.
Sunday, 23 March 2014
Single/married friendships - when they work well...
Recently I blogged some of my 'Things single people wish married people wouldn't say' - there were lots of comments! I think some of the feedback provided me with at least another 10 (maybe for the next book...!). In 'Single Minded' I also included a few other lists, and I thought I'd also share those here. The first is a compilation of the things single people said in my questionnaire, about the ways in which their married friends are fabulous - some of the things which have really worked well in those relationships.
So here's the list, with a huge shout of thanks to all you wonderful married people who are lovely friends -
I am SO grateful to have great friendships with some amazingly wonderful married friends who just 'get it' (and if they don't, say so, and say sorry, when necessary!). Some are my age, some are older; some have kids, some don't. In every case I think (I hope!) every party involved benefits from the friendship.
I hope if you're single you can identify some of these statements above in your friendships with married people (and maybe add some more to the list?). I hope if you're married you've done some of the stuff above - if not, why not pick one and go for it?!
Next time we might go for the negative list, but I thought we'd start on the plus side...!
And by way of evidence, here's a photo of one of my most favourite groups of people in the whole wide world, spoiling me on my birthday last year :-)
So here's the list, with a huge shout of thanks to all you wonderful married people who are lovely friends -
- When they invite me to be part of their family, including me in everyday events as well as special occasions, making me feel welcome in their homes, allowing me access to their children's lives.
- When they offer me practical help with things that are difficult to do by myself, e.g. house, garden, and car maintenance.
- When they treat me as an equal friend, rather than as someone in a lesser state than them to be pitied and looked after.
- When they look out for me to make sure that I'm safe and can get home late at night.
- When they don't treat my singleness as an unmentionable issue, but ask me how I feel about it and if I'm ok with it (but at the same time don't make it the only thing we ever talk about!).
- When they invite me round on my own, rather than feeling that they also need someone else there to make up the numbers so we're all couples.
- When they make me feel welcome and at ease in their home and not like I'm in the way or intruding.
- When they make sure I'm not alone at significant times like birthdays, Christmas, Easter and New Year's Eve.
- When they're willing to listen and act as a sounding board when I've got big decisions to make.
- When they invite me to eat with them, both on special occasions and also on ordinary days.
- When I'm able to sometimes spend time with just one of them on their own rather than always being part of a three.
- When they're open and honest and talk about their marriage in a balanced way.
- When they avoid being overly physically intimate when I'm there so that I don't feel awkward.
- When they pray for me and with me, and ask what I'd like them to pray for rather than assuming they know.
- When they invite me to go on holidays with them.
- When they give me hugs (and allow their children to do the same!).
I am SO grateful to have great friendships with some amazingly wonderful married friends who just 'get it' (and if they don't, say so, and say sorry, when necessary!). Some are my age, some are older; some have kids, some don't. In every case I think (I hope!) every party involved benefits from the friendship.
I hope if you're single you can identify some of these statements above in your friendships with married people (and maybe add some more to the list?). I hope if you're married you've done some of the stuff above - if not, why not pick one and go for it?!
Next time we might go for the negative list, but I thought we'd start on the plus side...!
And by way of evidence, here's a photo of one of my most favourite groups of people in the whole wide world, spoiling me on my birthday last year :-)
·
·
·
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
10 things single people wish married people wouldn't say... (Part 2)
I hope you caught Part 1 of this post on Sunday. It generated a huge amount of interest! So, hot on the heels of the first 5 things, come number 6-10. Please remember again to take them in the spirit in which they're intended...! Let me know if any really resonate with you - or what numbers 11-20 should be, for the next list!
6. Do you think maybe you’re being too picky?
6. Do you think maybe you’re being too picky?
Ah yes, that’ll be it. When I looked out at that queue of 17 men
beating each other off with sticks to get to me first, and then rejected each
of them in turn, it was my pickiness that was the problem.
7. Have you thought about speed dating/internet dating/blind dating?
Dating? You mean I could be looking for men to date? Wow – I had no
idea, thank goodness you told me. It’s not like I’ve been wrestling for months
over whether or not this is a road to go down, and how and why and when and
where it might all happen, and what I’ll do if it doesn’t work out. I’ll get
onto that straight away.
8. You’re so lucky to be footloose and fancy free.
Yes, you’re right, I am. I’m really lucky to have freedom in where I
go and what I do and how I spend my time and my money. It’s great to be able to
be independent and to make my own decisions. But you’re really lucky to have
someone to hug when you get home at night and someone to share the household
chores with and someone to talk through your day with and someone to go to
parties with. And if in the context of our friendship we can talk about the
things that are great for me and the things that are great for you, and share
them together, along with the things that are hard for us both, then that’s
brilliant. But if you throw the above sentence at me when I’m feeling lonely
and alone then I will find it hard to be gracious.
9. My husband/wife/children are driving me mad. It’s so hard being married/having
children – if I were you I wouldn’t bother.
So would you like to swap places? No, I thought not. Please don’t
insult me and your family with this one. You’re allowed to have a bad day, week
or month, we all are, and if there’s one thing I don’t envy parents it’s
sleepless nights. But please, don’t say things you don’t mean.
10. I think God has given me a word for you – you’ll be married by the age
of X/be pregnant by next Christmas/have 6 children...
I really hardly know what to say about this one. I wholeheartedly
believe in prayer and prophecy and I love to give and be given words from God –
it’s a joy and a privilege. But please, please, please – DON’T give people words
about marriage and children, no matter how positively sure you are that God has
spoken. If need be, write the word down and seal it in an envelope and hide it
away and if it comes true, take it out and give it to the person and it will be
a wonderful confirmation from God. But refrain from saying it to them. I
guarantee that it will not be helpful. Ever.
So there you have it - my Top 10! Said in love, and with good grace and humour, but with seriousness to. Wouldn't it be great if we could all make a bit more effort with what we say, and how we say it, so that we communicate love and acceptance and understanding rather than judgement and criticism...? I promise I'll try...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)