... and when they don't work quite so well...

Earlier in the week I blogged a little excerpt from my book 'Single Minded' about the ways in which friendships between single and married people can work really well, and bless all parties involved. The list was based on questionnaire responses from all the single people that were kind enough to share their thoughts with me as I wrote the book.

Today I want to share the flip side of that list - some of their thoughts as to when things don't work so well, and some of the things which their lovely married friends might (entirely unwittingly I'm sure!) do or say which might be less well received... The lists don't claim to speak for all people, of course - that would be impossible. If you're single there will be some things that you'll instantly recognise and empathise with and others that you'll totally disagree with - feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

I hope the lists are helpful. They're not meant to be rude or arrogant or complaining, but simply observations and sharing some thoughts. Hopefully we can all learn a bit more about how to get on with each other, and love and support one another, as a result.

Don't feel too got at if you're married - the next blog post will be your thoughts (or at least the thoughts of those of you I asked to share with me as I was writing!).

So, here goes -

• When they try to matchmake me without my permission.
• When they act as a couple in ways which feel excluding and uncomfortable (this may be overt shows of affection, or it may be having big arguments).
• When they don't really understand what my life is like.
• When I have to always fit in round them, and whenever we meet it has to be on their terms.
• When they use me as a babysitting service.
• When they only invite me round at certain times but save the 'special times' like Saturday nights for their married friends.
• When they talk non-stop about their children.
• When they moan about their children without realising that I would love to have what they have.
• When friends who have been very close while they were single disappear when they get married and don't keep in touch.
• When they assume that because I don't have children I don't want to be included in their family events.
• When they assume that I am self-sufficient and capable all of the time and don't need any help or support.
• When they ditch me during times of stress in their lives because they turn instead to their family (understandably), and I feel shut out.
• When they don't ever invite me to join them for holidays.

I couldn't very well use a 'negative example' photo here, so instead here's another great example of friendship at its best - vegging on the sofa after a lovely Christmas Day with friends.

Single/married friendships - when they work well...

Recently I blogged some of my 'Things single people wish married people wouldn't say' - there were lots of comments! I think some of the feedback provided me with at least another 10 (maybe for the next book...!). In 'Single Minded' I also included a few other lists, and I thought I'd also share those here. The first is a compilation of the things single people said in my questionnaire, about the ways in which their married friends are fabulous - some of the things which have really worked well in those relationships.

So here's the list, with a huge shout of thanks to all you wonderful married people who are lovely friends -

• When they invite me to be part of their family, including me in everyday events as well as special occasions, making me feel welcome in their homes, allowing me access to their children's lives.
• When they offer me practical help with things that are difficult to do by myself, e.g. house, garden, and car maintenance.
• When they treat me as an equal friend, rather than as someone in a lesser state than them to be pitied and looked after.
• When they look out for me to make sure that I'm safe and can get home late at night.
•  When they don't treat my singleness as an unmentionable issue, but ask me how I feel about it and if I'm ok with it (but at the same time don't make it the only thing we ever talk about!).
• When they invite me round on my own, rather than feeling that they also need someone else there to make up the numbers so we're all couples.
• When they make me feel welcome and at ease in their home and not like I'm in the way or intruding.
• When they make sure I'm not alone at significant times like birthdays, Christmas, Easter and New Year's Eve.
• When they're willing to listen and act as a sounding board when I've got big decisions to make.
• When they invite me to eat with them, both on special occasions and also on ordinary days.
• When I'm able to sometimes spend time with just one of them on their own rather than always being part of a three.
• When they're open and honest and talk about their marriage in a balanced way.
• When they avoid being overly physically intimate when I'm there so that I don't feel awkward.
• When they pray for me and with me, and ask what I'd like them to pray for rather than assuming they know.
• When they invite me to go on holidays with them.
• When they give me hugs (and allow their children to do the same!).

I love these! What a great picture of community, of family in the best sense of the word. What great exampled of flourishing, life-giving relationships where everyone involved benefits.

I am SO grateful to have great friendships with some amazingly wonderful married friends who just 'get it' (and if they don't, say so, and say sorry, when necessary!). Some are my age, some are older; some have kids, some don't. In every case I think (I hope!) every party involved benefits from the friendship.

I hope if you're single you can identify some of these statements above in your friendships with married people (and maybe add some more to the list?). I hope if you're married you've done some of the stuff above - if not, why not pick one and go for it?!

Next time we might go for the negative list, but I thought we'd start on the plus side...!

And by way of evidence, here's a photo of one of my most favourite groups of people in the whole wide world, spoiling me on my birthday last year :-)

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