40 Year Old Virgin

I admit I am a tad nervous about this post! I really believe in what I'm about to say, obviously, but it's just not the sort of thing you talk about, is it?! The thing is though, maybe it should be, and so, well, here goes...

If you've ever heard me do a talk on singleness, or read my book (and if you haven't, do buy it here... https://www.eden.co.uk/shop/single-minded-4066886.html!!), then you'll have probably heard me say this, but there's something a bit different about actually writing it down.

Anyway, you may recall that in 2005 a Steve Carell film came out called The 40 Year Old Virgin. I've never seen it, and I don't intend to, but it doesn't take a genius to work out what it's about. The main character, Andy, played by Carell, is a virgin. His friends, his work colleagues, the girlfriend he eventually finds - none of them can believe it. It must be a joke, surely?

A review in Entertainment Weekly said that Carell "plays him [Andy] in the funniest and most surprising way possible: as a credible human being." Wow. It's surprising that a 40 year old virgin could be a credible human being. Really, wow.

This is literally my life, and apparently it's a joke. I mean, it all seems to be going pretty well to me, but evidently it's so impossible and hilarious and ridiculous that people make comedy films about it. How is that supposed to make me feel? Well I don't suppose the people who made the film thought about it, because they probably didn't imagine there were any actual normally functioning adults in that category. I remember years ago a GP literally refusing to believe I was a virgin - and I was only about 22 at the time!

I've become much more aware lately of how often the word 'virgin' is used as a joke. Still. Twice in the past few weeks it's been a punchline to a joke on Mock The Week - it's always something around dinosaurs and comic books and cartoons (for men) and cats and bags and patterned jumpers (for women) and yada yada yada nerds and frumps don't have sex. It's such a ridiculously lazy and stereotyped attempt at humour. It's like being in some kind of adult school playground equivalent where the worst insult/punishment you can think of is not having sex. I mean, I love MTW but seriously, 1989 wants its jokes back.

For several years now I've joked when I've done singleness talks that when I turned 40 I was going to get a tshirt made saying 40 Year Old Virgin. Well, in April this year I celebrated my 40th birthday and I just thought - what the heck! So it was that at the 3 singleness seminars I did this year at New Wine events, I wore the tshirt you can see in the photo below.

What was fascinating about it was the reaction it provoked, in others as well as in me. I didn't wear it all day, partly out of embarrassment, but mainly because I didn't want to be the cause of lots of little kids turning to their parents and asking at full volume, "Muuuuuuum, what's a VIRGIN?" So I only put it on for the seminar, in fact there was a 'reveal' moment in the middle. It got a lot of laughs, and to my surprise hasn't yet ended up online! But I was aware that, even though I had chosen to do this, and was fully on board with the point I wanted to make, there was still a bit of me that felt awkward and embarrassed, like there was something odd or wrong about this. Cultural expectations really can get in our heads, can't they?

And the reactions from friends I told about it was interesting too. Most laughed uproariously and cheered me on (and dared me with other places I should wear it!). Lots said I was "brave." Some looked genuinely a bit horrified, and obviously didn't know what to say.

A month or so on and I'm still pondering. I guess I can legitimately still wear the tshirt until my next birthday eve. To be honest I doubt it will get another 'outdoor' wear. I'm glad I did it though.

Because,here's the thing. I AM A VIRGIN AND MY LIFE IS GREAT. There. I said it. Now, I realise there will be some people reading this who are virgins and whose life is not great. It's not as if the two things automatically coexist. And my life isn't *always* great, obviously - whose is? Sometimes people write to me to tell me how horrified they are about my singleness/celibacy commitment because they simply don't think it's possible to live a happy or fulfilled life that way. Well, here I am, giving it my best shot.

Would my life be different if I'd had sex, if I'd got married, if I'd had kids? Well obviously. Would it be better? There is literally no way of knowing that. Would I change it if I could suddenly have those things? Do you know, I wouldn't - it's taken me a while to get to the point where I can honestly say that, but I can. (I mean don't quote me on it a week on Thursday, because you just never know...).

This is my calling, and so I know some people think it's 'easier' for me to live this way (like it's always so 'easy' to live out the stuff God calls us to, right?!). But it's my belief that for anyone who isn't married, sex isn't an option, we're called then to celibacy. It's such a misused, misheard, misunderstood word. We've made sex such an idol, such a symbol of our supposed freedom and choice. And sex within a loving marriage may well be a wonderful thing (although it isn't always). But I don't believe sex is necessary for a contented life, I truly don't. It is sometimes REALLY hard to live without it (!) but actually there can be real joy and freedom in that.

And I want younger people to look at what lies ahead for them and to know that they have options. I want them to know that things can be ok even if your life doesn't look much like the plan you had in mind for it. I want them to know that you can be whole and complete even without marriage, sex and kids. I want them to know that living God's plan for you is the best life, whatever that looks like. I want them to know that there are incredible and unexpected blessings literally hidden in amongst the pain and the sorrow.

And I really, really want them to know that there's no shame in being a 40 Year Old Virgin.

What would Jesus post - Book review

This was a really interesting book to read and review. There are so many conflicting thoughts and opinions around about social media and the whole online world. Some people think it's the best thing since sliced bread, a fabulous gospel opportunity, a way to reach out and spread the good news and connect with people you wouldn't otherwise meet. Some people think it's the work of the devil, all about spreading lies and hate and evil, bringing out the worst in people and distracting us from the real work of the kingdom. The truth, inevitably, probably lies somewhere in between those two extremes. Like many things, social media and the internet can be used for good or for evil, and there are plenty of people and organisations doing both of those things.

It would be easy to assume that the Bible has nothing to say about the online world - after all computers and electricity couldn't even have been dreamed of during the time the Bible was written, let alone the internet. But it's vital as Christians that we consider what God thinks about all aspects of life, and that we weigh up what we do and say and think in the light of what we know to be true. This is what theology does - it enables us to look at an aspect of life in our world and to consider it within the gaze of God, asking ourselves what he wishes to say to us about it.

This is what David Robertson has sought to do in this new book: What Would Jesus Post? - A Biblical Approach to Online Interaction. Personally I'm a big fan of social media, as you'll know if you follow me, and have been assailed by multiple posts on anything from chocolate to church to squirrels to fencing to gin to Jesus... and much more! So I was fascinated to read what David Robertson had to say, and to see what he thought Jesus would have made of the world of social media.

My own view is that Jesus would have been all over social media - he was never one to shy away from a chance to interact with people, after all. He was always where the people were - even when that meant being in a place that the 'good', righteous, religious people felt that he shouldn't have been. Of course Jesus would have used his social media accounts without sinning, as he did everything - unfortunately that's something I can't claim to have always managed, and I doubt whether any of us have. But in 2018 I simply don't think that we can declare the whole online world to be morally bankrupt and declare that we want nothing to do with it. The internet isn't going anywhere, and I believe that we need to understand it and engage with it - in a way that's shaped around and formed by what we know to be true of God's kingdom rule. So what might that look like?

I really liked how practical the book was, and that it's structured in such a clear and readable way. It constantly refers back to the truths and wisdom of the Bible, and it is also totally up to date and relevant to 21st century life and culture. There are helpful tips about how we can all make better use of social media in our kingdom ministry, and there are also important challenges as to just how we come across, how we engage, how we  interact. We're reminded to "pray before posting" and to think about the responsibilities as well as the opportunities that come with having a "personal digital pulpit."

The overall advice from this book is that it's important for Christians as individuals, and for churches as organisations, to engage on social media, and to make the most of all that is offered by it. But crucially we're also encouraged to be wise, discerning, humble, hospitable and generous as we do so. There's also a really important and interesting challenge about our overuse of/reliance on all things online, and an encouragement to consider an occasional "digital sabbath." Ultimately, we're reminded that we are "stewards of a digital footprint."

Overall I think this is an important and timely book for Christians. I haven't come across anything quite like it before and it definitely gave me a lot of food for thought. I'm very much pro all things internet (well, most things...!) but this has given me some important new ideas, and questions to ask, for which I'm grateful.

Party of One - Book Review

I don't read all that many books on singleness, to be honest. I've always been pretty picky about them. I had to read a lot prior to writing one, for research, and there weren't many I loved. It's one of the main reasons why I wrote Single Minded, because there wasn't a book which said exactly what I wanted to read.

Party of One also doesn't say *exactly* what I wanted to read (but it's ok because I've already written a book that does!!). It is, however, really rather good.

Party of One is written by Joy Beth Smith, who's an American journalist. You can tell that, to be honest, because it's a really well written book, which keeps you turning the pages, and often has you laughing out loud. I also highlighted and underlined loads of it too, which is a sure sign of a book that I've really enjoyed (with apologies to all book purists - but if anyone did that to my book, I'd take it as a real compliment!)

Joy begins by describing how, for 15 years, she wrote a monthly letter to her future husband. (This is one of quite a number of points in the book where as a British reader there's a fairly major culture clash. I don't know anyone in the UK who's done this, and it's a reminder of how different both the church and the singleness scenes are in the UK and the US.) Anyway, one day she realises this is not a helpful strategy, and burns all of the letters. She says that she realised that "God has promised me many, many things: joy, intimacy with him, comfort, the presence of the Holy Spirit, and eternal life, to name just a few. But I'll never find the promise of a husband, of a beautiful, fulfilling marriage, tucked away in the back of James or even alluded to in Psalms."

This was the first paragraph in the book that I highlighted, and I was already hooked. It's so easy to believe marriage is somehow our 'right', something that we are owed, or deserve, but this is not the case.

Joy is brilliant at describing some of the difficulties that arise when 'helpful' friends try to intervene (and she oh-so-accurately points out how quickly people forget, having got married, what it's like to be single). She describes how people's constant attempts to 'pair off' all single people can lead to us feeling as if we're an embarrassment to have around - that instead of cheering us on in our singleness they just want to help us out of this unfortunate season.

One of the highlights of the book is the many in-depth conversations she has had with a great many single women. She travelled for these conversations, arranging round-table chats which led to a great deal of rich material, and she quotes the other women generously and at length. There is much wisdom shared from those chats.

There's just an awful lot of really helpful, clear truth in this book. She says that "God giving you a husband does not prove his goodness - marriage isn't even inherently good. But God is good, always. He is good in your singleness."

I cheered along as Joy lamented the waste which can so easily occur when single people live their life on hold, or treat their singleness like a waiting room - she uses the analogy of "an elevator ride" and declares this to be "a waste." "The problem with viewing singleness as a season is that we relegate our time here to something to be endured, not celebrated." YES!

Joy challenges the church's expectation of marriage in a way which is clear and timely without being grumpy (one might even suggest that the church is 'marriage obsessed' - that would make a good title for a chapter...) She challenges the common viewpoint that for single people life hasn't quite started yet, and says, with great perception, that "we've limited ourselves in what we choose to hono(u)r in the church."

She isn't afraid to tackle the big issues and the tough questions. She talks about loneliness, she talks about masturbation, she talks about childlessness, she talks about identity and self worth. I love her language of sexuality as something to be "stewarded" (rather than suppressed or avoided). I love how she tackles the 'gift' question.

There is a chapter called 'Don't spend your singleness preparing for marriage' (and I died a little inside at the 'spatula story') but nonetheless for me the book still felt like it was hoping for and heading for marriage. Perhaps it simply reflects where I am on my own journey (and perhaps this very thing would make it more appealing to some people) but I felt it might be of more interest to those still very much hoping and longing for marriage than for those who have embraced singleness for life. In the same vein I think it would be more for those who are 'never married but hoping to be' than for those who, for whatever reason, are 'single again'.

Overall I really would recommend this book (and believe me when I say that hardly ever happens with singleness books!) If you're reading it in the UK be prepared to do a bit of cross-cultural translation, and if you're not a young-ish 'single and hoping to be married' woman (I'm not sure how helpful guys would find it) be aware that it won't all resonate with you.

The thing I liked most (apart from how often it made me laugh out loud) was how much the whole book pointed to Jesus, and to living a holy live within and throughout our singleness. You can't ask for more than that.

Squelchy muddy walks and the God who laughs

On Monday I went on a quiet day. I am possibly the world's most extroverted extrovert, but I do love a quiet day! I have got into a pattern lately of visiting the wonderful St. Beuno's, in North Wales, about an hour away. I first went there during my sabbatical, for a 4 day silent retreat (stop laughing!), and it was so wonderful that I resolved to visit regularly. Usually on a quiet day I begin with a meeting with my spiritual director, Tim, who is all kinds of wise and holy. We chat for a while and then off I wander, to spend the rest of the day in quiet with God. There are lots of beautiful chapels and corners of the house to explore, and when the weather is good there are also lots of beautiful parts to the gardens, and further afield.

On Monday, we had been talking about life, and work, and busyness, and the need sometimes to simply stop and breathe. I had been relaying that struggle, so well known to all clergy and church workers, that it seemed as though I was spending all of my time praying and reading the Bible 'for work', and precious little time praying and reading the Bible 'for me'. I said that I was so looking forward to spending the day 'alone' with God - just the two of us. Tim asked me to imagine what I thought that might look like, and the image that came to mind was of me and God, arm in arm, wandering through the fields, chatting. It was positively idyllic, a scene of joyful peace and harmony.

Shall I tell you what actually happened?

I set off on my walk, full of the joys. Ah! Here at last was peace and harmony and tranquility. I followed my carefully printed instructions. I turned off the road into a field, and began my walk. It was at this moment that I realised it was very significantly more muddy than I had appreciated. I was wearing walking boots, thank goodness, but nonetheless the mud was fierce and soon my boots and my jeans were quite a sight. But no matter. I was walking with the Lord and all was well.

Then I soon realised that it was actually quite warm. I had dressed that morning for a baltic Liverpool vicarage barely free from the snowbound winter. I found myself in a glorious Welsh springtime. I was wearing *far* too many clothes. I couldn't complain though, because I have spent literally the past 6 months moaning about being cold, and I pride myself on never, ever uttering the words "it's too hot." I stripped off a layer or two and continued on my merry way.

Then I realised I was carrying far too much baggage. I had set off with a packed lunch, but also my Bible, 2 books to read, a notebook, my purse, my phone... Why was I carrying all this stuff? I was out for a walk with God, all I actually needed to do was walk, talk and listen (although ideally not in that order), but here I was, weighed down.

But never mind. I was here, I was walking, it was sunny. All good. And it was at this point that I realised I had not idea where I was going! The stile confidently predicted in my instructions did not materialise as expected. A few laps of the field, a few moments of concern, a partially hidden stile located - and I was off once more.

I approached the promised footbridge to discover a raging torrent of water, that if I had stepped in would have submerged my feet almost entirely. I gamely clambered onto the wooden gate at the side, which, it turned out, was only secured at one side, and half swung, half climbed, half leaped across (I know that's three halves). Phew. I'd made it, I hadn't got wet feet (or wet anything else), and I hadn't dropped anything in the water. Go me.

By this point I had a few choice comments to make about the 'easy walk' instruction sheet, but I was still doing ok. Here was I, here was God. Together, walking, talking.

At this point the instructions cheerfully assured me that there was "a gap in the fence just wide enough to squeeze through." I know I have hit the Easter eggs hard lately but I can absolutely assure you that there was no gap for squeezing. Instead I had to climb over a gate,

You might be wondering at this point whether I hadn't in fact gone completely the wrong way. Believe me, I wondered the same thing. But no, there were enough markers and landmarks for me to know that my Girl Guide skills had not failed me completely.

The edge of the next field was confusing. There was a gate, but no waymarker. By this point I was carefully following little yellow arrows. But there wasn't one. As I tried to convince myself that this must be the right gate in spite of the absence of said arrow, as there simply wasn't another way, and it was almost certainly not going to take me into a field containing a rampaging bull, I saw abandoned in a ditch further along, the wooden post, complete with yellow arrow. I strode on.

I then got to a crossing point that was so utterly mud soaked it might as well have been quicksand. There was no way over or around. As the old song goes, I just had to go through. Squelch, squelch, squelch. At this point I confess I became a tad irritated. My shoes would surely be ruined, if indeed I didn't lose them altogether. This was ridiculous. I had anticipated a lovely walk, this was more like an endurance test.

And it was at that point, I swear to you, I realised God was laughing. He wasn't just smiling politely or grinning to himself. He was slapping his thighs and gasping for air. I was thinking "it would be so rubbish if I slipped in this mud." God was thinking "it would be totally hilarious if you slipped in this mud." I began to laugh. It's really a good job no one was around. I just felt like God was saying "so you wanted to spend the day with me, with no distractions, and for us to enjoy each other's company, and for it to be fun and easy - tick!" It would have been a hilarious day to have spent with a friend - God reminded me that's exactly what it had been. I'm sure you can draw the dots on all the other spiritual lessons God managed to teach me during the day.

In the last part of the walk I went through a field of sheep. Sheep are daft, friendly, fluffy, cuddly little things, right? Right? I swear one of them was giving me the full on evils, staring me down, baaing in a decidedly unfriendly manner. It was at this point that I told God very firmly that, ok, it had in fact been a very nice day, and a fun walk after all - but I DID NOT need a sermon illustration ending of a sheep chasing me down a field. Fortunately all was well. I got back to St. Beuno's, collapsed on a bench, chuckled a lot, and wrote up some of the above nonsense in my journal.

It was a very good day. God and I enjoyed it together.

(And I absolutely swear that none of the above is made up! Slightly exaggerated for comedic effect, perhaps, but not made up...)

Here are some photos to prove it...