40 Year Old Virgin

I admit I am a tad nervous about this post! I really believe in what I'm about to say, obviously, but it's just not the sort of thing you talk about, is it?! The thing is though, maybe it should be, and so, well, here goes...

If you've ever heard me do a talk on singleness, or read my book (and if you haven't, do buy it here... https://www.eden.co.uk/shop/single-minded-4066886.html!!), then you'll have probably heard me say this, but there's something a bit different about actually writing it down.

Anyway, you may recall that in 2005 a Steve Carell film came out called The 40 Year Old Virgin. I've never seen it, and I don't intend to, but it doesn't take a genius to work out what it's about. The main character, Andy, played by Carell, is a virgin. His friends, his work colleagues, the girlfriend he eventually finds - none of them can believe it. It must be a joke, surely?

A review in Entertainment Weekly said that Carell "plays him [Andy] in the funniest and most surprising way possible: as a credible human being." Wow. It's surprising that a 40 year old virgin could be a credible human being. Really, wow.

This is literally my life, and apparently it's a joke. I mean, it all seems to be going pretty well to me, but evidently it's so impossible and hilarious and ridiculous that people make comedy films about it. How is that supposed to make me feel? Well I don't suppose the people who made the film thought about it, because they probably didn't imagine there were any actual normally functioning adults in that category. I remember years ago a GP literally refusing to believe I was a virgin - and I was only about 22 at the time!

I've become much more aware lately of how often the word 'virgin' is used as a joke. Still. Twice in the past few weeks it's been a punchline to a joke on Mock The Week - it's always something around dinosaurs and comic books and cartoons (for men) and cats and bags and patterned jumpers (for women) and yada yada yada nerds and frumps don't have sex. It's such a ridiculously lazy and stereotyped attempt at humour. It's like being in some kind of adult school playground equivalent where the worst insult/punishment you can think of is not having sex. I mean, I love MTW but seriously, 1989 wants its jokes back.

For several years now I've joked when I've done singleness talks that when I turned 40 I was going to get a tshirt made saying 40 Year Old Virgin. Well, in April this year I celebrated my 40th birthday and I just thought - what the heck! So it was that at the 3 singleness seminars I did this year at New Wine events, I wore the tshirt you can see in the photo below.

What was fascinating about it was the reaction it provoked, in others as well as in me. I didn't wear it all day, partly out of embarrassment, but mainly because I didn't want to be the cause of lots of little kids turning to their parents and asking at full volume, "Muuuuuuum, what's a VIRGIN?" So I only put it on for the seminar, in fact there was a 'reveal' moment in the middle. It got a lot of laughs, and to my surprise hasn't yet ended up online! But I was aware that, even though I had chosen to do this, and was fully on board with the point I wanted to make, there was still a bit of me that felt awkward and embarrassed, like there was something odd or wrong about this. Cultural expectations really can get in our heads, can't they?

And the reactions from friends I told about it was interesting too. Most laughed uproariously and cheered me on (and dared me with other places I should wear it!). Lots said I was "brave." Some looked genuinely a bit horrified, and obviously didn't know what to say.

A month or so on and I'm still pondering. I guess I can legitimately still wear the tshirt until my next birthday eve. To be honest I doubt it will get another 'outdoor' wear. I'm glad I did it though.

Because,here's the thing. I AM A VIRGIN AND MY LIFE IS GREAT. There. I said it. Now, I realise there will be some people reading this who are virgins and whose life is not great. It's not as if the two things automatically coexist. And my life isn't *always* great, obviously - whose is? Sometimes people write to me to tell me how horrified they are about my singleness/celibacy commitment because they simply don't think it's possible to live a happy or fulfilled life that way. Well, here I am, giving it my best shot.

Would my life be different if I'd had sex, if I'd got married, if I'd had kids? Well obviously. Would it be better? There is literally no way of knowing that. Would I change it if I could suddenly have those things? Do you know, I wouldn't - it's taken me a while to get to the point where I can honestly say that, but I can. (I mean don't quote me on it a week on Thursday, because you just never know...).

This is my calling, and so I know some people think it's 'easier' for me to live this way (like it's always so 'easy' to live out the stuff God calls us to, right?!). But it's my belief that for anyone who isn't married, sex isn't an option, we're called then to celibacy. It's such a misused, misheard, misunderstood word. We've made sex such an idol, such a symbol of our supposed freedom and choice. And sex within a loving marriage may well be a wonderful thing (although it isn't always). But I don't believe sex is necessary for a contented life, I truly don't. It is sometimes REALLY hard to live without it (!) but actually there can be real joy and freedom in that.

And I want younger people to look at what lies ahead for them and to know that they have options. I want them to know that things can be ok even if your life doesn't look much like the plan you had in mind for it. I want them to know that you can be whole and complete even without marriage, sex and kids. I want them to know that living God's plan for you is the best life, whatever that looks like. I want them to know that there are incredible and unexpected blessings literally hidden in amongst the pain and the sorrow.

And I really, really want them to know that there's no shame in being a 40 Year Old Virgin.

What would Jesus post - Book review

This was a really interesting book to read and review. There are so many conflicting thoughts and opinions around about social media and the whole online world. Some people think it's the best thing since sliced bread, a fabulous gospel opportunity, a way to reach out and spread the good news and connect with people you wouldn't otherwise meet. Some people think it's the work of the devil, all about spreading lies and hate and evil, bringing out the worst in people and distracting us from the real work of the kingdom. The truth, inevitably, probably lies somewhere in between those two extremes. Like many things, social media and the internet can be used for good or for evil, and there are plenty of people and organisations doing both of those things.

It would be easy to assume that the Bible has nothing to say about the online world - after all computers and electricity couldn't even have been dreamed of during the time the Bible was written, let alone the internet. But it's vital as Christians that we consider what God thinks about all aspects of life, and that we weigh up what we do and say and think in the light of what we know to be true. This is what theology does - it enables us to look at an aspect of life in our world and to consider it within the gaze of God, asking ourselves what he wishes to say to us about it.

This is what David Robertson has sought to do in this new book: What Would Jesus Post? - A Biblical Approach to Online Interaction. Personally I'm a big fan of social media, as you'll know if you follow me, and have been assailed by multiple posts on anything from chocolate to church to squirrels to fencing to gin to Jesus... and much more! So I was fascinated to read what David Robertson had to say, and to see what he thought Jesus would have made of the world of social media.

My own view is that Jesus would have been all over social media - he was never one to shy away from a chance to interact with people, after all. He was always where the people were - even when that meant being in a place that the 'good', righteous, religious people felt that he shouldn't have been. Of course Jesus would have used his social media accounts without sinning, as he did everything - unfortunately that's something I can't claim to have always managed, and I doubt whether any of us have. But in 2018 I simply don't think that we can declare the whole online world to be morally bankrupt and declare that we want nothing to do with it. The internet isn't going anywhere, and I believe that we need to understand it and engage with it - in a way that's shaped around and formed by what we know to be true of God's kingdom rule. So what might that look like?

I really liked how practical the book was, and that it's structured in such a clear and readable way. It constantly refers back to the truths and wisdom of the Bible, and it is also totally up to date and relevant to 21st century life and culture. There are helpful tips about how we can all make better use of social media in our kingdom ministry, and there are also important challenges as to just how we come across, how we engage, how we  interact. We're reminded to "pray before posting" and to think about the responsibilities as well as the opportunities that come with having a "personal digital pulpit."

The overall advice from this book is that it's important for Christians as individuals, and for churches as organisations, to engage on social media, and to make the most of all that is offered by it. But crucially we're also encouraged to be wise, discerning, humble, hospitable and generous as we do so. There's also a really important and interesting challenge about our overuse of/reliance on all things online, and an encouragement to consider an occasional "digital sabbath." Ultimately, we're reminded that we are "stewards of a digital footprint."

Overall I think this is an important and timely book for Christians. I haven't come across anything quite like it before and it definitely gave me a lot of food for thought. I'm very much pro all things internet (well, most things...!) but this has given me some important new ideas, and questions to ask, for which I'm grateful.